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Written June 2009, it's take the p*ss out of me time. Hope y'all get a good laugh at this one
Do you know what I did when I was a kid?
It was easy for me to play hide and seek
I'd turn to the side and be lost for a week
Now that I'm older, I'm still kinda lean
Weigh much the same as I did at sixteen
You claim I'm lucky but I think you are
'Cos I need a winch, to move just an inch
Else I've no chance when pushing the car **
I go to concerts, but it's not good for me
'Cos when the crowds push and there is a crush
I bear the brunt, being stood at the front
And come out of it in 2-D
People will say get some meat on your bones
Why don't you eat and put on a few stones?
After years of troughing I've thoroughly learned
That the action of quoffing sees calories burned
A portion of chips and a big piece of fish
Won't sit on my hips, whatever I wish
Powdered supplements, I've had them all
Mixed with ice cream and strawberry fool
At 3000+ calories a shot
And did I gain weight? Nah, not a jot
Where does it all go? I really don't know
My ma says I have hollow legs
Bacon, salami, to feed a small army
Will accompany my scrambled eggs
"Don't exercise and your muscles turn fat!"
Well here's no surprise, I ain't got much of that
The only mussels found inside of me
Are the ones that we fished out from under the sea
My wife serves up a massive dinner
Comments that I'm getting thinner
What's my secret? Can't second guess
I think I'll put it down to stress!
When I was young I wanted to box
But I was stung by all the barbed knocks
Some of which never relented
They said, "Try as you might
"Lad, you won't find a fight
Because nano-weight's not been invented"
So when you next begin on a diet
With just one biscuit causing disquiet
And you wish you had a slimmer figure
It's not any fun being that much leaner
I tell you, this grass is not any greener
Us thin ones all wish we were bigger!
(** artistic licence - it's not quite THAT bad really hehe)
