Are you like me and yesterday you really didn’t give thanks until the relatives went home? I did something new this year. We adopted a gay turkey with a substance abuse problem.
Most people had a day off yesterday – including the Detroit Lions.
The pilgrims had this figured out. They had the perfect outfit for Thanksgiving. Everything they wore had buckles, including their hats.
One of President Bush’s daughters had her purse stolen while she was in Argentina. The big problem was his plan for Iraq was in the purse. Looks like we have to start all over.
John Kerry might run for president in 2008. He doesn’t think his botched joke will hurt him. His botched personality might.
As you know O.J. Simpson’s book was cancelled. He’s starting a new one called "The Five People You Meet In Hell”. O.J. is saying that the title of the show and book was not his idea. "If I Did It This Is How It Happened” was not his idea. His idea was "When I Did It”. Instead they will now air "If We Did Air It, This Is What It Would Look Like”. O.J. was very upset. You have to hate people in entertainment, it’s just like somebody to turn around and stab you in the back. Canceling the show wasn’t the hard part. The hard part was deciding which executive was going to tell O.J. about it. Now O.J. will have more time to look for the real killer.
I got something off eBay today. Two tickets to see Michael Richards at The Apollo. Richards has called Jesse Jackson and Al Sharpton over the situation. Here’s my question. Who do you call if you offend white people? Who’s the head white guy? Is that Ron Howard? Do you call Opie?
Do you get drowsy on Thanksgiving? It’s the chemical in the turkey. Here’s what my mom does. She has a little secret. Before she puts the turkey in the oven she puts a nicotine patch on it.....or sometimes she'll marinate it in Red Bull.
The national turkey was pardoned this week by President Bush. It was later adopted by Madonna. There was also a second turkey that got a pardon this year – Donald Rumsfeld. President Bush pardoned two turkeys at the White House. The turkeys end up a petting zoon in Virginia. It’s the same thing they did with Mark Foley.
Today is the busiest shopping day of the year. I went out today. It was aggressive. I got pushed, I got shoved, I got groped. Fuckin a, I’m going back tomorrow!
Henry Kissinger says that winning is impossible. Not in Iraq, but for the Raiders.
You can tell it’s Thanksgiving. The price of gravy was up to $70 a barrel today.
The weather wasn’t very good for the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade. Sorry kids, no Kramer balloon this year! It was so bad that Michael Richards was screaming at Al Roker.A horrible thing happened during the parade. The Garfield balloon got loose and it killed a rat. Did you see the Ronald McDonald balloon? I didn’t think it was as much fun this year without the transfats.
We had Thanksgiving at my house. My mom lost her cell phone. We turned the place upsides down looking for it. Then later in the afternoon the turkey started to vibrate.
Dick Cheney was in Iraq visiting the troops. Because nothing says warm holiday cheer like a Dick Cheney sneer.
In Washington, D.C. a confused George W. Bush lit a menorah.
Today is the busiest travel day of the year. Over 38 million people will be traveling – and that’s just the people coming over from Mexico. For those of you flying, you can only carry three ounces of gravy with you. Thanksgiving is a day we spend with relatives. Or as Donald Rumsfeld calls it, acceptable torture. I went down to the animal shelter and adopted a stray turkey. They taste just as good as the other ones. Have you heard of the turducken? It’s very popular for Thanksgiving. It’s a chicken stuffed inside a duck, stuffed inside a turkey. In Asia they call it the bird flu trifecta. McDonald’s is coming out with a sandwich version of the turducken. It’s called the McTurd.
In the December issue of "GQ” magazine Al Gore revels that Bill Clinton does not drink. I wouldn’t have guessed that. He doesn’t drink. Can you believe that? When he was hitting on Paula Jones he was sober!
Everyone is discussing Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes wedding. Some big news from the reception. Tom serenaded Katie with "You Lost That Loving Feeling”. Katie sang back to him with, "I’ve Lost My Dignity and Will To Live”.
A new poll says 60% of Americans believe President Bush is doing a worse job than his father. He was cheered up though when someone told him he was the second best president with the name George Bush.
Paris Hilton was singing at a show in Las Vegas and was so drunk she got sick on stage. Vegas has changed its slogan to "What happens in Vegas first goes into Paris, comes out of Paris and stays in Vegas”.
The CIA has given up on trying to find Osama bin Laden. They now have a new task of trying to find a Playstation 3. That’s crazy. People are waiting in lines for the Playstation 3. There’s been riots and even a shooting. So now we have proof that video games kill brain cells. People have been camping outside of stores in wait to get a PS3. The sad thing is camping outside of a Circuit City to get a PS3 will be the only time some of these people ever camp.
President Bush was in Vietnam. I don’t think he gets it. For example today he called John McCain and said, "I stayed at that Hanoi Hilton you’re always talking about and it wasn’t that bad.”
