Washington, D.C. is going to be smoke free. You won’t be able to smoke anywhere in D.C. The one exception is federal buildings. You know how this happened? Force of habit. All part of, "Do as we say, not as we do.”
The House Ethics Committee has found that Mark Foley didn’t do anything illegal. They said it was willful ignorance, but he broke no law. What law? The Cardinal Bernard Law? Who was the head of this committee? Michael Jackson?
Today the Christmas tree at the White House blew over. It was leaning too far to the right.
Have you put up Christmas lights? People here in Beverly Hills get a little crazy. This one house has a live nativity scene out on the front lawn. Baby Jesus is being played by Gary Coleman.
The Seminole Nation is going to purchase the Hard Rock Café chain. It’s now going to be called the "Hard Like Rock Café”.
CBS has a new reality show coming out called "Armed and Famous”. Celebrities are going to train to be in law enforcement. Celebrities with guns – nothing can go wrong there! I think this is the break Robert Blake has been looking for. They tried to book Wesley Snipes for the show tonight but he was already booked.
Taco Bell has had to close several restaurants because of an outbreak of E. Coli that has made more than 50 customers sick. As a result, Taco Bell is changing its slogan from "Think outside the bun" to "Puke inside the store."
Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad has warned Western leaders to "follow the path of God or vanish from the face of the earth." Experts say it's the most bone-chilling threat ever delivered by a 4-foot-tall man in a Members Only jacket.
"The Iraq Study Group Report" was released as a book yesterday - and today it's No. 2 on Amazon's bestseller list. Publishing insiders are already calling it the "Tuesdays with Morrie" of bipartisan commission findings.
Today is December 7th, the 65th anniversary of Pearl Harbor. Or as President Bush refers to it, "A day that will live in the infirmary."
A woman in India claims that she has lived to be 120 years old by drinking wine and smoking pot every day. No one had the heart to tell the stoned woman that she's only 35.
Britney Spears is claiming that the reason she went out without any underwear on is that it had been two years since the last time she went out. Britney says she can't be expected to keep up with every single fad that comes along - like "wearing something that covers your vagina."
It was a funny year....a year with apologies as well. Mel Gibson of course apologized for his drunken anti-Semitic tirade in Malibu. Well, he didn’t really apologize, what he said was he apologized on behalf of the tequila that made him do it. The Jose Cuervo. So basically he blamed the Mexican people for making him blame the Jewish people. Tom Cruise apologized to Brooke Shields for saying she shouldn’t take the anti-depressants. They actually became such good friends, Brooke went to his wedding. And she had a great time. Of course she had a great time: she’s on anti-depressants. You know who owes me an apology...Britney Spears...throughout the whole K-Fed I was on her side. And then, there was the picture on the internet of her showing her undercarriage. I don’t know if you saw it – it was not a good look…It put me off the ladies, turned me gay for 5 days.
Last night, the Billboard Music Awards aired without co-hosts Paris Hilton and Britney Spears -- who backed out at the last minute. Luckily, the banter that had been written for Paris and Britney sound just as good coming from a lamp and a stapler! Paris Hilton has backed out of hosting the Billboard Music Awards because she says jokes that were written for her were insulting to her peers. Paris' exact quote was 'I'm standing up for skanks everywhere!'
Yesterday, NASA announced plans to build a space station on the moon. When asked where on the moon they would put the space station, a spokesperson for NASA said, 'Between the two Starbucks.'
According to a new study, children figure out the truth about Santa Claus between the ages of three and six. Although, the study says that the age is much later for some U.S. Presidents.
According to a new study that just came out, smoking pot regularly does not lead to harder drugs. In fact the study shows that smoking pot regularly does not lead to doing much of anything....usually carpentry: "This box would make a great bong!"....."This guys's head would make a great bong!"
Scientists say they have discovered a cure for erectile dysfunction that involves only one needle injection into the penis. A spokesperson for men said, 'Get back to us when it requires zero injections in the penis.'
It’s that time of the year. Everyone loves being home for the holidays. Well maybe not USC.
Did you hear about that Russian agent who died of poisoning in his egg nog? mwahahahahaha!!!
It’s amazing every year how some toys that were popular the year before just disappear. Like today at the store I saw an Elmo doll in the corner tickling himself.
"The Nativity Story” opened up in theaters last week. Did you know that Joseph, Mary and Jesus only stayed at the manager for one night? Apparently the Bethlehem city officials came by and told them had to move because it was against city code to have up a nativity scene.
Three schools are currently in the running for the George W. Bush library. I understand that the loser will get the library.
Earlier today, President Bush met with the head of one of Iraq's Shiite political parties. There was an awkward moment when Bush asked him 'Are you the Shiite Head?'
This year White House Christmas decorations include several 10-foot-tall nutcrackers. Apparently, this was the biggest nutcracker at the White House since Hillary Clinton was first lady.
Several months after taking over the CBS Evening News, CBS says that Katie Couric has decided to make some adjustments to improve ratings. I think she's getting desperate because the first thing Katie wants to do is hire Matt Lauer and Al Roker.
This week, customs officials inspecting a flight from Jamaica to Miami seized two tons of marijuana. As a result, the flight arrived in Miami with only four tons of marijuana.
It's been reported that Lindsay Lohan recently attended an Alcoholics Anonymous meeting. Lohan wasn't planning on attending th meeting - but when she woke up, that's where she'd parked.
Today the government released a list of toys that could be harmful to children. They could make you choke – just like USC. In what is being called the upset of the season, UCLA beat USC on Saturday 13 to 9. Afterwards Michael Richards apologized for the defeat. You know what this means? O.J. is no longer the most embarrassing thing about USC football.
ABC last week aired "Charlie Brown Christmas”. This week CBS is playing their Victoria Secret special, called a "Charlie Sheen Christmas”.
Madonna is going to have a special. It’s called "What Child Is This…and How Much Does it Go For?"
I found a great gag gift. Oakland Raiders tickets! Mwahahahaha!!! Oakland is doing so bad that Raider fans are now wearing eye patches over both eyes.
For the first time in 20 years the U.S. citizenship exam is getting a makeover. A new test. For Mexicans there will be two parts. A written exam and an obstacle course, swimming and jumping.
The movie piracy comes from being a big business in Asia. You can buy new movies on any street corner, just like that, for pennies. And you can get the knockoffs of American toys ... A lot gets lost in translation though. I saw the Tickle Me Elmo called "Touch Me on Red Parts to Make me Happy” doll.
Britney Spears turned 25 this weekend. I hope she got something useful for her birthday. Underwear perhaps.
Christmas is SO different in Beverly Hills. Out there, the old man who visits once a year to bring gifts is the kid's real dad! I was Christmas shopping over the weekend and I saw a Barbra Streisand CD called "CHRISTMAS MEMORIES"....wait...last time I checked, she's Jewish! How many memories does SHE have? Isn't that like buying William Hung's "Hanukah Sing-A-Longs"?
Did you hear the news? Vice President Dick Cheney's gay daughter, Mary Cheney, is now pregnant. Why do I think that this is going to be a shotgun wedding? She's pregnant now. It all began during a romantic evening at home watching a DVD of Xena: Warrior Princess, and then one thing led to another....I don't think President Bush understands these things. When they told Bush about Dick Cheney's gay daughter being pregnant, he said, "IT'S A CHRISTMAS MIRACLE!"
A man from Tacoma, Washington is in big trouble now after faking being mentally retarded for 20 years to collect disability benefits. He was drawing a paycheck from the taxpayers by pretending to be retarded.....Hey, it worked for Congress!!
British Airways has come under fire after first-class passengers were forced to st next to a dead guy for six hours on a flight to the US. The man suffered a heart attack in coach and was carried into first-class, where he was propped up and they laid him out on a bed. Geez....even dead British Airways passengers get treated better than live passengers on Southwest!
