Sorry about the wait, bitches but i've had shit to do so finally.....here's 2 weeks of news to make it up! Happy 2007!!
New Years Eve in L.A. is a little lame. In New York you get to see the ball drop. In L.A. you get to see Britney Spears pass out on a bar stool. Afterwards, Britney said, 'I'm so embarrassed, I can never show my vagina in here again.' Britney Spears's manager is denying reports that Britney passed out on New Years Eve and instead says she was exhausted and fell asleep after leading the New Years Eve countdown. When asked why she was so tired, Britney said: "Countin' is hard!"
You know you’ve had too much to drink on New Years Eve when Lindsay Lohan offers to drive. I’m the designated driver on New Years Eve. I still have fun. Here’s what I do. I like to drop off all my drunken friends at homes of strangers.
It is tradition on New Years to watch the ball drop. Who also watched Saddam drop? Saddam Hussein was executed in Iraq by hanging over the weekend. Which in Iraq is known as death by natural causes. I don’t know who choked more over the weekend. Michigan in the Rose Bowl or Saddam Hussein? The Iraqi government has ordered an investigation into the abusive behavior toward Saddam Hussein at his execution. The crowd was apparently taunting Hussein. Some people just don’t know how to behave at a hanging! "We’re trying to hang a guy, here!” As you know Saddam Hussein was hung. The good news is, he’s in a far worse place.
In Washington, funeral services were held for former president Gerald Ford and all the living Presidents were there. President Carter called Ford 'a wonderful man;' President Clinton called him a 'true American;' and President Bush called Ford 'the man who invented the automobile.'
California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger was released from the hospital after breaking his leg. Doctors say Arnold's leg will be broken for two months and his English will be broken forever.
A cell phone video has surfaced of Saddam Hussein's hanging and officials are trying to figure out who shot the video. People who were at the hanging say it was probably the guy who kept yelling: 'Hey keep it down, I'm on the phone here!'
In Spain, a 67 year-old woman gave birth to twins, making her the world's oldest new mother. The 67-year-old said, she'd like to breast feed but her arms aren't long enough.' Reportedly the mother and baby are doing fine but the doctor is still nauseated.
This weekend in college bowl game action, there was a major upset when the University of Oklahoma was defeated by Boise State. Apparently Oklahoma and Boise State were playing in the 'Two Places Nobody Wants To Live' Bowl.
This is true....Justin Timberlake is broken up with his girlfriend Cameron Diaz. The Hollywood buzz apparently is she was too old for him…This has caused a lot of excitement in Hollywood. This breakup has made Demi Moore very nervous. She’s doubled Ashton’s allowance so you know it is serious.
We are going to be sending more troops to Iraq. President Bush is calling this a surge and not an escalation. Well duh! Sure that’s what he’s going to say.....a one syllable word versus a four syllable word. President Bush is expected to announce that he is now sending more troops to Iraq. Despite the fact that his general, his military analysts, members of congress, and most of the American people are against the idea. The reason he is doing it? To give Iraq a government that responds to the will of the people.
Starting January 23rd Canadians will need a passport to get into the United States. This is to discern non U.S. citizens from U.S. citizens. Look, all we need to do is look at the people with big bags of cheap prescription drugs to know which ones are Americans!
Hillary Clinton is running fourth in Iowa in the presidential polls. Things are so bad her new Secret Service code name is NBC
Pat Robertson says that God told him personally that a major terrorist attack will happen in the United States in 2007. God says that’s not true and whenever Pat calls he lets the answering machine get it.
Airline employees at Chicago’s O’Hare Airport say they saw a UFO. You know what this means – they’ve been drinking again!
California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger is being criticized after he announced that he's going to have a two-day inauguration ceremony. Apparently, the ceremony is two days long because it takes Arnold two days to say the word "inauguration."
At the White House, President Bush welcomed new members of Congress with a "bicameral, bipartisan reception." Or, as Bush calls it, "a bye-bye."
The first Muslim member of Congress is planning to be sworn in on a copy of the Koran that was once owned by Thomas Jefferson. The Congressman says he found Thomas Jefferson's Koran on the shelf next to George Washington's torah.
Toyota is developing a car with a new device that will automatically stop the car if the driver has had too much to drink. The device is called "oncoming traffic."
A toy company has come out with new dolls based on the characters from "Desperate Housewives." The company says the "Desperate Housewives" doll are perfect for the little girl who's on her third marriage.
Nancy Pelosi became the first female speaker of the house. This is the furthest anyone wearing a dress has gotten in Washington since J. Edgar Hoover. For all you young girls out there who’ve been following Paris Hilton and Britney Spears, Nancy Pelosi is what you call a "role model.” Nancy Pelosi said today "we’ve waited 200 years for this.” 200 years? How many face lifts has this woman had? She looks great. I had no idea. She promised to take the country in a new direction, and since she's a woman, Pelosi says the first thing she'll do is pull over and ask for directions. Experts say Pelosi is now the country's most powerful non-Oprah woman.
In an interview with the Wall Street Journal, the prime minister of Iraq says not only will he not accept a second term in office, he wishes he could quit early. He says he has other interests he’d like to pursue – like trying to stay alive. That’s got to make our troops feel good – the prime minister of Iraq wants to quit. Not even the French gave up that quickly.
There’s a little scandal in a community outside of Dallas after cheerleaders at a local high school appeared in photos on myspace.com drinking, smoking, and flashing their underwear and at a "Condoms To Go” store. But the good news, today Donald Trump said he would give them a second chance. That’s the name of the store, "Condoms To Go.” I don’t get the name. "Condoms To Go.” Did they have a big problem with people coming in and buying them and then using them right there. Could we put "to go” on there? We are having a problem with people hanging around the store.....we don't need em testing them there!
In Michigan, a homeless man who fell a sleep while looking for empty cans in a dumpster, woke up to find himself trapped inside a garage truck. He had to use his cell phone to call police to rescue him before he was crushed. Folks, that makes it official, now everyone in America has a cell phone. If a homeless man has a cell phone, where do they send the bills? The man in the dumpster said this was the worst thing to happen to him since his wife Britney Spears kicked him out of the house.
Scientists now say that house cats can get Alzheimer's disease. Here's my question, how can you tell? My cat sleeps twenty-three and a half hours a day, has no idea who I am when I walk in, and he stares at a ball of yarn. Isn’t that Alzheimer’s? I don’t’ know.
The fourth "Indiana Jones” movie begins shooting this year. It stars 64-year-old Harrison Ford. It is called "Raiders of the Lost Can of Gold Bond Medicated Powder.” The big fight scene is unbelievable. It’s when Indiana Jones battles Larry King for the last tablet of Garlique!
President Bush is claiming that a new postal law gives him the authority to read anyone's letters without a warrant. If you're upset about the law, you can let Bush know by writing to your sister. How crazy is that? President Bush finally decides he wants to read something and it’s our mail? How about those memos on the desk, why don’t you check those out? Open mail? I’d just be happy if the government could just deliver mail. Try that first, then open mail. Isn’t that kind of frightening? He has the right to open anybody’s mail at anytime. In fact, today in a huge coincidence, President Bush announced he is the winner of the $10 million Publisher’s Clearing House’s sweepstakes!
This week, authorities in Pakistan lifted their ban in flying kites. Next week, the Pakistani officials are expected to end their jihad on see-saws and swing-sets.
Stockholders of Home Depot are upset because after the board of directors fired Home Depot's CEO they have decided to give him a $200 million retirement package. Even worse, they gave the Home Depot CEO his $200 million in the form of a gift certificate to Ace Hardware.
According to statistics just released by the Census Bureau, six percent of men say they have had a homosexual experience. The experiences range from sex with another man to owning more than one Clay Aiken album.
Last week, Donald Trump forced Miss USA to go to rehab, but this week she was offered the chance to appear in Playboy. The nude photos won't be as sexy as you think, because, like Donald Trump, she also has a comb-over.
Seventy MPH winds here in Los Angeles last night. We never get that. This morning 5000 people without power. Now they know how the House Republicans feel.
Well folks, for the first time in 12 years, the Democrats now control both houses of congress. You know what that means, now that the Democrats are in control? Now the female pages have to watch out. I guess the little boys are safe for awhile.
Today Democrats celebrated what they call an "open house for the people’s house.” Where Democrats honor the common man. Of course, it’s invitation only. You had to know somebody.
Presidential experts say that Hillary Clinton will soon form a presidential exploratory committee. Actually, that’s not new. She's formed presidential exploratory committees before, every time she tried to find her husband. "I know he’s in here. Look over there.”
There’s some talk in Democrat circles that with Barack Obama becoming so popular that Hillary is considering him for her vice presidential running mate. Give you an idea how popular Obama is, he’s considering Hillary as his vice presidential running mate.
The price of oil has now dropped to under $59 a barrel and you know the effect this is going to have on the price of gasoline? Nothing. In just one week, oil corporation profits have fallen from ‘obscene’ to just ‘indecent’.
A Japanese government report concluded that Japan could make a nuclear weapon in 3 to 5 years. The report also concluded that the Japanese nuclear weapon would be similar to an American nuclear weapon but be smaller and more fuel efficient.
In a court ordered auction, Whitney Houston is selling off a warehouse of her personal possessions including some odd ones, like a fork lift. Whitney Houston owns a forklift. That's when you know you have a drug problem.
According to diet experts in "Allure” magazine the average woman can burn up to 500 calories during an hour of love making. You know what this means? Nicole Richie is two orgasms away from totally disappearing.
This was in the British papers today, Britney spears has commissioned a nude portrait of herself... She won’t have to pose for it – the artist will just paint it using photos from the internet…getting out of the limo. Brittney’s manager has announced publicly that she knows she has an image problem and she is trying to change it. In fact this weekend she is going to be working with some abandoned children – her own. I think that’s a good move.
Did you hear what Saddam’s last words were? I saw it today. He said, "The Giants made the playoffs?” The NFL Playoffs are here. The Jets made it. Everyone in New York has Jets fever. Even Hillary put on her green and white pant suit today.
The U.S. Army is lowering standards for education requirements to get in. They are also lowering DUI standards. It’s the same way they recruit for Commander In Chief.
Dick Cheney got a pay raise. So now I’m not the only screw up that is overpaid.
The new season of Donald Trump’s "The Apprentice” is about to start. The first two were in New York City. This one is going to be in L.A. Which is all good but a brush fire swept through Donald’s hair today.
Robert Byrd was sworn in for his 9th term in the senate. He’s 90 years old. When he was sworn in he said, "Praise Jesus.” Jesus said, "See you in 20 minutes.”
Today there was a bad smell all throughout New York City. Subways were evacuated. Shows you how strong the odor was, when you can smell a bad odor over the odor of stale urine in the subway. Turned out to be a gas leak. Authorities say this was the worst gas leak since the taco bell e-coli thing a few weeks ago. You know what you call New York with a bad smell? New Jersey.
Have you heard about this? The Glidden paint company is now selling a line of paints called "team colors” – you can now paint your house the colors of your favorite football team. This is a smart move for guys. This way your wife won’t want the house in the divorce.
Just one week after they were back to work congress took the day off to watch the BCS football game tonight. Remember the Democrats promised, last week, a five day work week. It didn’t even last a week. That’s why they want to raise the minimum wage — they get a wage and give us the minimum. The game’s at 8:30. Do they have to take the whole day off?
President Bush has moved out national intelligence director John Negroponte and appointed Mike McConnell. Negroponte didn’t see the move coming. Which might explain why he's no longer the head of intelligence.
An Iraqi judge officially dropped all remaining charges against Saddam Hussein. Well, that’s nice. You don’t want to leave a guy hanging. The prime minister of Iraq said that he would like to step down. I guess it didn’t turn out to be the dream job that he thought it was going to be. They have a special ceremony in Iraq when one of their leaders leaves office. It’s called a funeral.
A department of motor vehicles worker up in Connecticut has been charged with persuading a young woman to take off her clothes in exchange for passing her driver’s test. Seems this young women failed her driving test a bunch of times, and this guy said if she took off her clothes he would pass her. Imagine that? Women are getting naked during their driving tests? How long are the lines at the DMV going to be now?
Gas prices dropped 10% while the price of a gallon of gas rose 2%. How does that work? See, it’s all supply and demand — the oil companies have the supply and they demand all our money. No mercy applause. Oil industry analysts predict that gas could be back up to $3 a gallon by February 14th. So one way or another, it looks like we’re going to get screwed on Valentine’s Day.
U.S. officials have now approved the first anti-obesity drug for dogs. I’m no a veterinarian or nothing, but if your dog is over eating, try putting a little less food in the bowl! Do we really need to give him a pill? Is the dog taking your car keys and driving to McDonalds? How stupid is that? It turns out that this diet pills for dogs is made by Pfizer. These are the same people that make Viagra. You don’t want to get those pills mixed up. Instead of a fat dog you will have a pointer.
In show business news, there’s a rumor now that the band The Police is reuniting for the first time since 1986 for a benefit concert for the poor. The poor of course being Sting’s two other band members from The Police.
NBC, always on the forefront of new ideas, is bringing back the series "The Bionic Woman.” Do you think that will be a hit? I don’t know, these days a women walking around L.A. with a lot of fake body parts.....is that a big deal anymore?
Mike Tyson was arrested last week by Arizona police on cocaine charges. He’s now out on $25,000 bail. You know who paid his bail? The guy who was going to be his cellmate.
I guess Britney and Kevin Federline have agreed to a temporary child custody arrangement. Turns out Britney’s nanny gets the kids during the week, and Kevin’s ex-girlfriend gets them on the weekends. Britney spears said her New Year’s resolution was to stop biting her nails. Thank goodness, because when I saw that photo of her getting out of the limo on the internet, I couldn’t believe how bad her nails looked. I was shocked to see how chewed up…
Did you hear about this? The Giants – the running back, Tiki Barber, is retiring. He’s only 31. He’s retiring at 31. And I think Regis, Regis is still going strong at 100!
Ladies and gentlemen, happy birthday to Elvis Presley. Elvis Presley – Elvis would have been 72 years old today – celebrated quietly with family and friends......and you, of course, remember Elvis. He was extremely wealthy, unbelievably wealthy; he was kind of puffy toward the end, got a little puffy; had big, big hair – no, wait a minute, that’s Donald Trump.
California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger announced a new plan that would give everyone in California health insurance. Not surprisingly, it will be paid for by Blue Cross of Mexico.
It's been reported that Rudolph Giuliani has trademarked the name "Rudolph Giuliani" so other candidates don't use his name in negative campaign ads. For similar reasons, Hillary Clinton has trademarked the words "Ball-Buster," "Castrator" and "Nut-Cruncher."
Caesar's Palace has announced that after five years, they've decided to end their exclusive concert engagement with Celine Dion. To maintain continuity, Caesar's will replace Dion with a shrieking baby and a car alarm.
She's fine, but the other day in England, an 80-year-old woman was out for a walk in the country when she was attacked by three wild pigs. Experts say this is odd because usually British food attacks you after you eat it.
Last night, the new season of Donald Trump's reality show "The Apprentice" aired. This time around, Trump has changed his catch phrase from "You're fired" to "Rosie's fat."
This weekend, Paris Hilton forgot to fill up her tank and ran out of gas in the middle of Beverly Hills. Fortunately, Paris is a natural when it comes to siphoning gas through a hose.
Oh my God, anybody here from California? Do we have anybody here? Well, fortunately, they got it under control, but there was a big fire in Malibu. It did a lot of damage. As a matter of fact, they say it wrecked more homes than Angelina Jolie. You probably saw this on the news, huge fires in Malibu. Five homes burned to the ground. Today Mel Gibson blamed it on Hanukah candles. Terrible fires in Malibu. Luckily nobody was injured. People had to evacuate. In fact, Britney spears ran out of the house without any underwear on. But that was two hours before the fire started. In fact, this was the first time homes in Malibu have been threatened by something other than divorce lawyers. They’re calling this fire the worst disaster to hit Malibu since president bush’s re-election.
Last night Ohio State was beat by Florida in the NCAA football championship game. Troy Smith the Heisman winner and quarterback for Ohio State only threw four complete passes. It was the most embarrassing performance by a Heisman winner since O.J. They were down by twenty at halftime. But that wasn’t the worst part of it.....did you see the bands at halftime? Did you hear what the Ohio State band played? They played the theme from "Titanic”! Is that the song you want to play there? And congress took the day off because of the game. The whole day off! The game didn’t start until the evening. Good to see the Democrats have their priorities straight. It’s good to see things aren’t business as usual.
Tomorrow night President Bush is going to outline his new plan for Iraq in a speech to the country. This means he has 18 hours to come up with something. The new plan is called "new way forward” which beats the old plan which was called "wing it”.
Dick Cheney went duck hunting. He hunts and everyone ducks. That’s how that works.
The horrible odor that covered New York City turned out to be a rotting swamp in New Jersey. The name of the swamp is – New Jersey.
President Bush tonight announced that he is creating 20,000 new jobs. They are all in Iraq. As you know, president bush said that he’s ordering a surge in troops in Iraq. You know, the last time a president had a surge, he got impeached. No, I’m sorry, that was an urge. I get confused. I guess President Bush wants to send in 20,000 more troops to Iraq because he believes it will stop the fighting. How can we stop the fighting in Iraq, we can’t even stop the fighting between Rosie O’donnell and Donald Trump? Actually, let's just send those two out there and let em loose!
Speaking of them, what’s going on with those two? I don’t know why these two huge celebrities can’t act phony and pretend to like each other like all the other celebrities do. Barbara Walters and Rosie O’donnell are having a feud. This is the angriest that Barbara Walters has been at someone since she got in that shoving match with Mary Todd Lincoln. Remember that a while back? On "the view” the other day Barbara Walters said she wished they could rise above all of this. Then they showed her how good the ratings were and said, "never mind.”
Did you hear about this? A U.S. submarine, the Newport News, collided with a Japanese oil tanker in the straits of Hormuz. When he heard about it, President Bush immediately called to make sure the oil was okay. Luckily nobody was injured.
Speaking of that, oil prices continue to fall. It’s now dropped below 54 dollars a barrel. So if oil is less than 54 dollars a barrel why does it cost like $62 to fill up a car? I know they're not using the whole barrel!
The Washington Post reports that John Kerry is hiring staff and preparing another run for the White House. He is telling people he will not make the same mistakes again. This time, all new mistakes.
Governor Schwarzenegger has called for universal health care coverage for all Californians. He came up with this idea while breaking his leg falling down the ski slopes in Idaho. There’s nothing like a week of dealing with your HMO to convince you we need universal health coverage.
This week, at the big consumer electronics show, in Las Vegas, apple unveiled their first combination ipod and cell phone. They say their goal is to create the most annoying person ever to sit behind you in a movie theater. Have you heard about this thing? It’s an ipod, cell phone, and also a camera. It allows you to surf the internet too. They expect it to completely dominate the electronic industry…for at least a week. How about a cell phone you can actually talk to people on…and hear them?!! Why don’t we try that first? Would you watch movies on a cell phone? How blind would you be then? As if people don’t have enough car accidents. "I can’t take this call, I’m watching a movie.”
Taser international has begun selling a new stylish cell phone size stun gun for regular use by ordinary people. Normally you have to have a license. This is a stun gun that anyone can buy. It’s $350, and sends 50,000 volts for 30 seconds and can be used 50 times before re-charging. Look, if you live in a neighborhood where you have to stun attackers 50 times before you get home, you might want to move to a better neighborhood. The new taser gun is available at any store - in the "Accident Waiting To Happen" aisle.
Mark McGwire is not getting into the Hall of Fame. Turns out his head is too big. Can’t get through....actaully it's because of the allegations he used steroids. On the upside though, he was voted into the Shriveled Testicles Hall of Fame.
According to researchers at the university of Texas, women who suffer from bad PMS have better memories. You know what they remember? Every stupid thing you ever did.
President Bush will address the nation and his speech will pre-empt "Deal or no Deal." To appease fans of the show, the President will hide his Iraq strategy in one of 26 suitcases.
President Bush addressed the nation about his new Iraq plan in a live speech broadcast from the White House library. Or, as President Bush calls it, "My Books on Tape Room." President Bush also said that every Iraqi will be ensured to get a piece of the oil revenue. Then Dick Cheney had a heart attack......and people who watched the speech said that President Bush looked uncomfortable, and I was thinking, 'Looked uncomfortable? Of course, he's in a library surrounded by books.' In his speech, President Bush took responsibility for mistakes that have been made in Iraq. Donald Rumsfeld is thinking, "Hey why did I get fired?”
Al Sharpton was asked about running for President and he said, "I'm not hearing a lot of meat. When the meat hits the fire, we'll find out if there's some real meat there." Personally, I think it's a shame President Bush can't run again, because that would be one hell of a debate.
In a new interview, Paris Hilton says she is determined to show everyone that she's a serious actress. To prove her point, Paris had a threesome with Sir Ben Kingsley and Sir Anthony Hopkins.
President Bush spoke to President Daniel Ortega of Nicaragua to congratulate him on his election. The phone call got off to an awkward start when Bush told Ortega that he loves his taco shells.
Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger gave a speech yesterday where he said that he wanted to spend billions of dollars rebuilding California's infrastructure. Apparently, everyone thought it was a great speech, except for that 45-minute part where Arnold tried to say "infrastructure."
Britain announced today that they're working on plans to send the first British person to the moon. British officials say they've already chosen an astronaut - now they just need to figure out how to dehydrate meat pudding.
Hey, a program note: earlier tonight on CBS, the premiere of a show called ‘Armed and Dangerous.’ Anybody see it? Erik Estrada and LaToya Jackson become police officers. Erik Estrada and LaToya Jackson become police officers, so now you can get arrested by two people who can’t get arrested! But, it’s a celebrity reality show with Erik Estrada and LaToya Jackson, so don’t miss the next week’s episode when they add the celebrities!
2006 has been officially named the hottest year on record. When he heard this Al Gore said, "Yes! Oh wait…that’s terrible I mean.”
NBA star Jason Kidd is filing for divorce because he says his wife beats him up. He says she thinks he’s selfish, he’s cheating on her and she throws things at him. The Clintons just call that......Wednesday.
Man....California's been getting COLD!! It reached a record low in temperature....31 degrees! So cold, Barry Bonds tested positive for soup. It was colder than Kevin Federline’s recording career! It was so cold today I was shaking like Donald Trump watching "The View”! It was so cold Tony Romo fumbled a snowball! It was so cold out that even celebrities stopped talking about global warming! It was so cold here in L.A. that we actually had ice on the ground. Ice! People were slipping more than George Bush poll numbers.
David Beckham is coming to L.A. He is going to play for the Galaxy Soccer Team. Which is huge news! I think I speak for everyone when I say, "L.A. has a soccer team?” For the past several years, he’s been playing in Madrid, Spain. But he wants to come to L.A. to play in a larger Spanish-speaking city. I’m not sure about soccer in America. Americans didn’t give rat’s ass about World Cup. Maybe if it was held more often. Cause you know, if you do something once every four years people lose interest. It’s like a presidential election. Or sex after marriage. David Beckham was I think the first described as "metrosexual.” First time I heard that word metrosexual, I thought it meant guys who have sex in subway.
Hillary Clinton is getting ready to go to Iraq. While she’s on her way to Iraq Bill is hitting on a girl with a rack.
President Bush said he didn’t feel well. Something didn’t agree with him. Yeah, like the entire country.
Chris Dodd says he is running for president. He says he has been having conversations in the mirror about running. The mirror first said, "Who are you again?”
Maybe you heard about this: Randy Johnson, used to play for the Diamondbacks, came to play for the New York Yankees – well, he's been traded back to the Diamondbacks. It's crazy. So, now this season, the oldest, most over-priced thing at Yankee Stadium will be the hot dogs.
If it really snows in L.A., they’ll have to cancel the Golden Globes. 'Cause the red carpet would be get all slushy and covered in white. Now, there usually is white powder at Hollywood events, but not outdoors. In the bathroom.
