The Grim Reefer's blog: "My Somber Yet Buoyant Realm of Blissful Bloody Murder"

HEAVY METAL The protagonist arrives on a Harley, kills the dragon, drinks a few beers, and bones the princess. POWER METAL The protagonist arrives riding a white unicorn, escapes from the dragon, saves the princess and makes love to her in an enchanted forest. THRASH METAL The protagonist arrives, fights the dragon, saves the princess and fucks her. FOLK METAL The protagonist arrives with some friends playing accordions, violins, flutes and many more weird instruments. The dragon falls asleep (because of all the dancing). Then they all leave...without the princess. VIKING METAL The protagonist arrives in a ship, kills the dragon with his mighty axe, skins the dragon and eats it, rapes the princess to death, steals her belongings, and burns the castle before leaving. DEATH METAL The protagonist arrives, kills the dragon, fucks the princess and kills her, then leaves. BLACK METAL The protagonist arrives at midnight, kills the dragon and impales it in front of the castle. Then he sodomizes the princess, drinks her blood in a ritual before killing her. Then he impales the princess next to the dragon. GORE METAL The protagonist arrives, kills the dragon and spreads his guts in front of the castle, fucks the princess and kills her. Then he fucks the dead body, slashes her belly, and eats her guts. Then he fucks the carcass again, burns the corpse, and fucks it for the last time. GRIND METAL The protagonist arrives, screams something completely indecipherable for about 30 seconds, and then leaves. DOOM METAL The protagonist arrives, sees the size of the dragon, and thinks he could never beat him. He gets depressed and commits suicide. The dragons eats his body and the princess as dessert. That's the end of the sad story. GOTHIC METAL The princess in a velvet costume starts singing soprano. The protagonist completes the duet by adding the beast part, while the dragon plays the flute. Suddenly the dragon swallows the flute and accidently scorches the beauty and the beast and suffocates to death. All their souls are damned in hell for all eternity. PROGRESSIVE METAL The protagonist arrives with a guitar and plays a solo of 26 minutes. The dragon kills himself out of boredom. The protagonist arrives at the princess' bedroom, plays another solo with all the techniques and tunes he learned in the last year of the conservatory. The princess escapes looking for the HEAVY METAL protagonist. INDUSTRIAL METAL The protagonist arrives wearing a greasy overcoat, makes an obscene gesture towards the dragon, and gets escorted out of fairy tale land by security guards. SPEED METAL Suddenly there, short solo, dragon is confused, someone's screaming weird stuff, princess realizes she's been deflowered, dragon and princess are still looking for the one who did this. CHRISTIAN METAL The protagonist rides in on his way home from church and sings a mushy power ballad to the dragon about how much Jesus loves him and that the dragon should turn to Him. The Dragon is immediately converted, and when the princess wants to "thank" the protagonist he replies, "sorry, but I don't believe in having sex before marriage". GLAM METAL The protagonist arrives, the dragon laughs at the guy's appearance and lets him enter. He steals the princess' make-up and tries to paint the castle in a beautiful pink color. BATTLE METAL The protagonist arrives with a legion of a hundred brave footmen, war chariots, and a dozen elite warriors, and as a master tactician, flanks the dragon in a bloody siege that lasts six hours. The princess gets bored. NU METAL The protagonist arrives in a run down Honda Civic and attempts to fight the dragon but he burns to death when his moronic baggy clothes catch fire. EMO The protagonist sees the dragon and moans about how hard it will be to get the princess to fall in love with him. He gets eaten. The princess is very happy, because he was a whiny fag anyway.

So I was sitting in the student's union today, chewing upon the crummy chicken sandwich I'd bought myself when I suddenly came to one hell of a conclusion..... Boy do I rule. JUST THINK ABOUT IT!! I am the perfect candidate to be the president of everything that you own. I'm guessing you're not convinced, so I present to you six splendid reasons why I should be your ruler: 1.) I'd rename "blackboards" and "chalkboards." Everyone knows that calling a blackboard a blackboard is wrong, despite the fact that a blackboard is a board that is black. Yeah yeah, I know: It's science, but since when did scientific fact have regard for skin color anyway? Shame on you for questioning me: its goddamn wrong and immoral because everyone knows that the word "black" used in conjunction with any other word is a subtle hateful and racist remark towards people of African descent or creed. Wrong I tell you! Likewise, same principle with the word "chalkboard." "Chalkboard", is clearly an equally disgusting racist jibe made towards the whitey Chalk Leprachauns of south-east Borneo, and thus it is outrageous and unacceptable. Instead I will rename them "rectal bricks" because it kinda sticks in the head and any reference to any other colour or material would be clearly offensive and racist. Although the Rectum People of East Latvia might think I'm calling them all blackboards and take offense, so I'll have them all murdered instead. Actually maybe not: I don't think its a good idea to have people constantly thinking about blackboards- oops I mean chalkboards... I mean, ehh damn. I guess I really must be a filthy racist Sorry, overly-politically correct society. 2.) I'd create a new multi-national TV Show called "Big Dumbass." This policy is perfect for removing all the stupid in the world, yet keeping everyone happy. I'd build a giant Big Dumbass house (the size of Belgium) and put all the stupid people in the world inside it. The stupid people are happy because they're on a shitty television show where they think everyone's watching them lick each other's legs or something dumb like that. Meanwhile, intelligent people are also happy because they can just switch the dumbasses off if they want to ignore them and instead focus on more important things like the development of the human race and invading Mars. Not only that, but when smart people get bored they can just switch on the television again and laugh at the idiots being idiots. I really am a goddamn genius. 3.) Puzz 3D models would be utilized to fight poverty. Three-dimensional jigzaw puzzles are put to waste every year, being left to rot on someone's mantlepiece after some bored guy with nothing better to do has constructed it. This policy keeps all bored people occupied whilst providing sanctity and a secure home for the homeless and poverty-striken. My new lifesize 3D jigsaws will kick severe ass and will be completely puddleproof. Don't get too many leaves on them though, its not my damn fault the trees like to get nekkid. 4.) Anyone called Gary would be shot on sight. The name Gary just bugs me. Killing all Garys is therefore justified. 5.) Anyone who listens to "The X-ecutioners" would be game in a new sport. I call the new sport "Chode hunt." Basically, if you see a moron who listens to The X-ecutioners (wow, they left out the 'E.' That is so cool, I can relate to it because I'm part of 'Generation-X;' its so rad and trendy to spell stuff incorrectly on purpose), you set your army of rottweiler dogs on them. The best part of the game is when you smirk with glee as you watch your dogs rip the jackass to pieces with their huge jaws and pointy teeth. 6.) Everyone would be killed, and be replaced with a clone of me. I really am a genius. This is the best idea I could come up with. Imagine how honoured you would be if you were culled, and spawned in your place a clone of me? If this happened then everyone would kick ass. How cool would that be? All the other Daves would make me their leader because I'm the original. I'd rename the world Dave. This site would be dead because the world would be perfect and there'd be no nastiness to gain comic inspiration from, but its a small price to pay to ensure the continuation of the human race. Don't you think? I'm so clever I want to shit my pants. Vote me. You wouldn't suck so much if you were me. Damn, wish I hadn't shit my pants now. Brb.

Wow......I'm two years clean yesterday.....clean from a horror known as methanphetamine. Yeah and i'm definitely proud of myself because it's such a battle. People don't know what i have to deal with daily and weekly. For those of you who don't know me as well, here's the deal: I used to be a meth junkie. I just smoked the stuff and snorted it all the time (never ever got the nerve to shoot it up, thank god), but I was REALLY BAD on this stuff. I originally started doing it for work purposes to stay alert (and this was when I was 11 years old). after that job was over, I stopped for a bit then went back on it. I slowly became more and more and more addicted and soon....I was spending all of my money on it. I stole for it. That shit had me on a fucking leash! I would do whatever for it (almost whatever hahaha). For the uneducated, meth eats away your muscles and fat. I shrank down a lot. I used to be very thick and chunky, and then meth solved that problem....and adding a new one: addiction. Ever hear of the term "Once an addict, always an addict"?.........it's true. I'm still addicted to this day and STILL get tempted, but I won't. It sucks having that addiction stay with you. It's like a itch you can't scratch. It's like a hunger that won't go away no matter how much you eat. I've cried because i've felt like shit and it sucks. Two years ago, I shrunk down to 86 pounds. I was living outside in San Diego and I looked.....HORRIBLE. I wanted to die. I layed in an alley wishing someone would shoot me or run me over. After feeling like that, I decided that was it. It was soooooo tough to do it and it still is. Now.....I'm 178 pounds, nice and healthy, eating right and being steady. I hope to keep this streak going until i'm dead in the ground. I'm not touching that shit anymore. Meth is a killer and a bitch. Thank my lucky stars it's over........

Take the banner! Hang it upside down! This country's in distress From the schools to the factories On the dead edge of town This dream's a fucking mess! This dream is fucked! Our sisters' and mothers' rights to choose And powers determined to fake the news This poison undertow The bigot's power grows Chorus: When we put our will to sleep In the radiation of rioting pictures We let them jail and murder our sisters Break out! Up on the hill where the road is red If you look close enough Down in the valley, we're the living dead While our hands are cracked and rough For every deception that the papers print To fortify the lie Our creativity always wins From now until the day we die....DAY WE DIE!!! I see the young revolutionaries changing clothes Living in condition while the third world grows Weary of supporting all the costume changes All right Anthems for New World Disorder Hammers to the bricks and mortar Consciousness in crisis It’s up to you So what are you gonna do? (Chorus) TAKE THE BANNER!! HANG IT UPSIDE DOWN!!! This country's in distress.............

Lord below, your abysmal horrors we call forth Awaken - Rise up and cleanse this earth with fire The taste of victory awaits our wicked tongues As you sleep beyond the light your blessed idol acts agent to your will Chorus: For vast aeons has slept, lurking 'neath the haunted deep Sea soaked perversion.....Arise Named of the foulest tongue, his will ebbs within me Beckoning - what was shall once more be In the house of the dead you lie and wait Oh lords of black earth Controlling the minds of the meek Staining this planet with visions of murder and hate (Chorus) We pray for the earth to open Free you of your ageless tomb Our knees bent in your worship Oh great gold one, I scream for your return Madness unhallowed Ascending moon of darkness never to wane Lurking without end Behind life in time and space An evil so vast Beyond man's power to bear An essence insane Dethrone the sovereign - and with your might reclaim I serve allegiance to your will I scream the incantations Lord unholy, your horrors i invoke Come forth, my lord In praise we sing of your return

I think the life cycle is all backwards You should start out dead and get it out of the way. Then, you wake up in an old age home feeling better every day. You get kicked out for being too healthy; go collect your pension, then when you start work, you get a gold watch on your first day. You work 40 years until you're young enough to enjoy your retirement. You drink alcohol, you party, you're generally promiscuous and you get ready for high school. You go to primary school, you become a kid, you play, you have no responsibilities, you become a baby, and then... You spend your last 9 months floating peacefully in luxury, in spa-like conditions; central heating, room service on tap, larger quarters every day, and then, you finish off as an orgasm.

where is the sun?.....nowhere to be found.... where is my shade?.....to cover me whole.... where is the water?.....to quench me..... it can't be found.....in this reality abound.... where is the earth?.......that i lay my head on.... where are the souls?.....that occupy it with me.... what happened to everything?....my existence... it's gone within a trace.....in front of my face chorus: don't know...where i am now... can't see....the way.... don't want.....this isolation.... give me.....a sign today...... where is the light.....to guide me through.... where is the taste.....that i used to savor.... where is myself......i can't find it..... i'm stuck with nothing.....looking for something... what's happening here......can anyone see it.... what's going on.......does anyone know.... what the fuck......happened to my world... this apocalypse is haunting.....it's got me wanting.... (chorus x 2) what happened to love......i can't feel it.... what happened to hate......it's gone from me.... all i see now.......is this darkness and black... please give it back......i don't want this black.... (chorus x 2)

as i look in this mirror i see dirt on my skin, can't wash this sin this soul of mine get clearer you cannot see, this darkness in me my skeletons beat me all the time the souls i release scream in my mind i'm a killer, a murderer, a demon inside the blood on this knife is where i confide chorus: this taste...is sensational this feeling...unexplainable a rush and a high, all at the same time as i slowly watch you die can't keep me from killing...it's part of me as i pull this trigger, my high becomes bigger i'm addicted....to this habit of mine my heart's beating faster, this weapon's my master look deep into my eyes.... my instincts control me, it's hard to break hold of me these screams are theirs and my own... annihilate....exterminate....can't control this hate... (chorus x2) my acts of decimation.... fulfill my temptation.... pleasures me like fornication... brings me to a personal salvation.... this murder! this murder! (bloodstains on the wall!) this murder! this murder! (watch my victims crawl!) the agony! the agony! (they scream for their death!) the pain! the pain! (i release........their final breath....) (chorus x 2)

Well......here we are.......the world known as my blog!! and I am the king it's good to be king.... i don't know what the fuck to write so I'll do a little dance! *dances my ass off with precise cheeseness* oh yeah! expect better stuff soon..........or else! mwahahahahaha