Saudi Arabia is going to sue global tobacco companies over health reasons. Who the hell do you root for in that? Saudi Arabia or tobacco companies?
A man in Croatia survived a 700 foot crash over a cliff in a canyon in his car. He was able to call on his cell phone for help. Which is also the reason why he was in the accident in the first place.
I tell you what....nothing brings me a bigger smile during the holidays than sticking electrical lights on dry timber.
Have you seen the pictures of Britney Spears going around on the internet? I can't show it to you, but I can tell you it did help her get a big endorsement deal for Starbucks' new bottomless cup of coffee. Britney is known as "The panty-less Menace.” Why are reporters even covering this? Aren’t there things going on in the world? "Yes, today in Iraq, the fighting intensified ... hold on. Breaking news. Britney Spears. Britney Spears’ cat spotted getting out of limo ... Oh, it’s not a cat."
Pope Benedict has returned from Turkey. He was there for the past four days. It was his first trip to a Muslim country since he made some remarks about Islam back in September that angered Muslims around the world. So far the trip is a success...why? He's still alive!
The Federal Government has a new citizenship test. They said the old test for immigrants is just too outdated. Apparently it was in English!
Some problems for presidential candidate Mitt Romney - A main part of his campaign is attacking illegal immigrants, but it turns out that his lawn is taken care of and landscaped by illegal immigrants. Not only is he in trouble politically, Wal-Mart is accusing him of stealing employees.
Barack Obama reminds me of Bill Clinton...in the sense that he also doesn't tell Hillary what his plans are.
Famed physicist Stephen Hawking said that to ensure the survival of our species, we're going to have to leave the planet. He says that mankind will have to abandon Earth and find another planet to live on. Though he said with the current technology, traveling to the next livable planet will take 50,000 years. Imagine being stuck on Southwest Airlines for 50,000 years. How many connecting flights would THAT be? A lot of people say that's a ridiculous idea because a manned space program like that would bankrupt our country......but I say "WHO CARES?!"....just write a check then skip out!
In Connectict, a man driving a stolen car stopped to smoke crack during a police chase............he pulled over......to smoke crack.....now THAT'S when you know you have a damn drug problem!! The fucking cops are chasing your ass and you have to pull over to smoke crack. In fact, the cops said they would've caught him sooner, but....lucky for him they went on a donut break.
Let's see what's going on with Shamu.....the attempeted killer whale. I understand that Shamu has agreed to anger management classes. Wildlife experts said whales like Shamu will turn on their trainers when they are hungry or in mating season. This guy's lucky that Shamu was just hungry......
The L.A. Auto Show started today. This year the hybrid cars all the rage. I don’t really know what a hybrid car is. Part car, part robot. The car companies don’t really understand what hybrids are supposed to be either. They don’t know they are supposed to be eco-friendly. "This Hybrid runs on gasoline and baby seals. It’s for the new millennium.” Do you know why I like going to auto shows? For the concept cars. The mockup cars of the future. It’s a big shiny car you’ll never get to drive cause they’ll never make it. It’s kinda like going to a strip club: "It’s a really hot woman you’ll never get to have sex with.”
Kramer is still in the news this week. When this all started, I would have laid money down that he’d be in rehab by now ... If celebrities stop blaming alcohol, start taking personal responsibility for their craziness, the rehabs will go out of business. The popular toy this Christmas is the new doll – the Heckle Me Kramer.
LA is starting to get pretty cold. It managed to hit 32! If it gets any colder, Britney Spears is gonna have to start wearing underwear! It was so cold that penguins were following Morgan Freeman when he talked......colder than President Bush on Jeopardy! It was cold today! It was so cold Al Gore asked to turn up the heat. It was so cold it was like Hillary Clinton looking at Barak Obama’s poll numbers.
The Iranian President sent a five page letter to the United States. A five page letter? That’s like those family Christmas cards you get. I don’t read those. Who’s going to read five pages? I barely get through those! "Billy got accepted at Devry! Susie is rocking at tennis!" SHUT UP!!!
President Bush met with Iraqi Prime Minister Maliki. Afterwards, Bush said "Maliki is the right man for the job."......just to remind people, Bush also said that FEMA’S Michael Brown was the right man for the job, Donald Rumsfeld was the right man for the job, and Tom Delay was the right man for the job....which would be fine is Bush himself was the right man for the job!
Here's a joke for ya! Hey, what’s the difference between the Philadelphia Eagles and Billy Joel? Billy Joel will be playing at the Super Bowl.
A big celebrity birthday today. Dick Clark! He’s been on air for a long time. I believe his first show was "Colonial Bandstand”.
More going on with Britney Spears and Kevin Federline. They’re both wanting custody of the trailer.
This year people all around the world were able to watch the Rockefeller Center tree lighting ceremony over the Internet. This was people could get into the Christmas spirit just before downloading porn. This year's Rockefeller Center Christmas tree is a Norway spruce. Experts ay it's just one more example of Norwegian trees taking jobs away from American trees. Of course the lighting of the tree was broadcast on NBC, big TV show, and this year's show featured Lionel Richie. Afterwards, NBC apologized and said, "Sorry, we accidentally reran the show from 1982."
The White House announced today that it was banning the sale of iPods to North Korea. President Bush said, "If North Korea is going to make nuclear weapons then we won't let them listen to Coldplay, damnit!" The US is aiming to ban the sale of many luxury items to North Korea, and solely in an attempt to annoy "MINI ME” Kim Jong Il. Forget luxury items! If they really want to annoy him, BAN THE SALE OF PLATFORM SHOES!! It could be part of President Bush's "NO TOYS FOR THIS TOT” program
40% of American business owners say they're going to give their employees holiday bonuses instead of having a holiday party. Which means thousands of office workers will have to get drunk and go to Kinkos to Xerox their ass.
Paris Hilton, Lindsay Logan and Britney Spears have been going out together every night to party. Actually it's even worse than it sounds because Lindsay Lohan is their designated driver.
Iowa governor Tom Vilsack officially announced that he is running for president. He said his number one priority for America—to get people to stop giggling about the last name "VILSACK.”.....isn't that something that Wilford Brimely has? "If you are suffering from an enlarged Vilsack...”
Odd court case.....in Illinois, a mental patient went on trial for threatening to castrate President Bush. He was sentenced to seven months in prison, but a federal judge let him go because you can't lock up people for threatening to castrate the president. If you could, Hillary would be in Leavenworth 15 years ago.
Former Vice President Al Gore was on Jay Leno to talk about global warming. That's a big issue with a lot of celebrities…GLOBAL WARMING. In fact, this is the only town in America where actors talk about energy conservation while looking in a mirror that has 28 light bulbs around it.....
Here's some bad news. Wal-Mart has reported that its pre-Christmas sales were down in November. Well, thank God that doesn't affect anything that's made in America! They are reporting that Wal-Mart is having its worst holiday slump in years. Economists say that the cheap crap business isn't what it used to be. In fact, things are so bad that China may have to lay off 10,000 prisoner workers. EWWW….PROTECT THOSE $29 VCRS!!
President Bush spent Thanksgiving weekend at Camp David with a small group of friends and family. He would have spent it with a large group but there are no Republicans left in Washington.
It takes five hours to serve turkey in Beverly Hills. Everyone has five dads, so each needs to carve the turkey. There’s the real dad, the step dad, the donor dad…
Have you heard about the tur-duck-en? Very popular. A chicken inside a duck inside a turkey. They now have Tum-alka-pepto after you eat a tur-duc-ken. It’s a Tums stuck to an Alka-Seltzer covered in Pepto Bismal.
A popular item this year is gift cards. There’s nothing like saying, "I don’t care, I don’t know what you want, but have this and you’ll find something you like at this store”.
Some people are saying that soon we’ll have universal gift cards. Cards that can be used at any store......wait, we have that already.....it's called MONEY!!!
The Hollywood Christmas Parade was this weekend. This years theme was "Why wait until December?”
Texas A&M University is doing research on making cotton edible. Making food from cotton......well gee!! If it goes over well they should put it on a stick and start selling it at county fairs across the country.
I saw a photo of the Bush Twins! Not the president's daughters......Britney Spears and Paris Hilton
President Bush is in Europe. Today he visited the country of Estonia. He thanked them for sending troops to Iraq. His exact words were, "Those two guys are doing a good job.”
The upcoming "Nativity Story” movie has its world premiere at the Vatican. There was an awkward moment when some guy in the back said to the Pope, "Hey pal, take off that big hat so we can see.”
I was reading a periodical and medical researchers say that a number of people have a condition where they have sex in their sleep. Isn’t that crazy? That reminds me of a condition called marriage.
Did you hear about this? Pamela Anderson and Kid Rock are getting a divorce. Boy, I didn't see that coming. I'm telling you, if these kids can't make a go of it, what chance do any of us have?" Here's the record: Pamela got rid of Tommy Lee and Kid Rock. Unfortunately, she still has two other boobs." Yeah, it's gonna get ugly folks - they both want custody of the trailor!
You know what I like about this time of year? It's all of the holiday specials on TV. It's very – I love it…As a matter of fact, tomorrow night on CBS, they have a holiday special: it's called 'Apology on 34th Street,' starring Michael Richards." But Michael Richards now is trying to build a bridge to the black community, and earlier today, he bought a George Foreman grill."
Here's kind of an odd item in the news: there's a guy in Russia, and he's pulled over by the police. And when he's pulled over, here's what he does: he takes the keys out of the ignition and he swallows them and then he bites the cop......sounds like something i'd do extremely drunk! mwahahahaha!!
Here's kind of a fascinating change of ideology. NBC has announced that they will now refer to the Iraqi war as a civil war. They're calling the conflict in Iraq a civil war. That's NBC News. And President Bush responded, he said, 'No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. It's not a Civil War until it becomes a series of Time-Life books."
Here's great news for the holidays: the Christmas tree was delivered to the White House yesterday. That's nice, and just what we need at the White House – more dead wood."
This week, President Bush is planning to attend a 2-day NATO summit to discuss strategies for the war in Afghanistan. President Bush will be giving a speech called: 'Strategies: Whose got one?
There's a rumor right now that Nicole Ritchie recently got breast implants. They thought they were breast implants, actually, it turns out they're just 2 grapes stuck in her windpipe.
Michael Jackson is planning to follow in the footsteps of Madonna and Angelina Jolie, and do charity work in Africa. Jackson says he wants to get to Africa soon- before all the good kids are taken.
This weekend, Kevin Federline held a Party in a Las Vegas nightclub to celebrate his rap album. Now more than ever people are hoping that what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas.....and his album stays out of CD players....
The soap opera 'All My Children' has announced that it will be introducing a new transgender character. As a result, the show will be changing its name to 'All My Children and That Chick With An Adams Apple.'
The Pentagon is asking Germany to send more troops to Iraq. This marks the first time Germany has been asked to send more troops anywhere.
President Bush’s Presidential Library is going to cost $500 million. That’s $100 million per book.
President Bush has decided to no longer use the "n word” anymore. Apparently he was at a comedy club in Washington.
Atlanta Falcons quarterback Michael Vick is in trouble after giving the finger to fans after Sunday’s game. The Browns quarterback tried doing the same thing but no one was in the stands. New York Giants Eli Manning tried giving the finger too but it was intercepted.
Elton John had to go backstage for five minutes and throw up during a concert the other night. He then came back and finished the concert. You know what this means? Elton is pregnant.
Hey, listen to this: I don't know if this happens in your town, but a couple of days ago out in Brooklyn, the police, the New York City police captured an alligator in Brooklyn. The guy had it in his apartment and the alligator was living on a steady diet of Domino's delivery guys." But I was reading more about it, and it turned out it was a two-foot alligator. A two-foot alligator living in Brooklyn, and my friend told me, 'Oh, heck, we've got rats bigger than that.'"
Arby's, the roast beef people, they're going to remove the trans fat from all their products. You go to Arby's now, you can't get any sandwich with a trans fat. So here's what I do: I always take along my own little bottle of trans fat."
Do you know the difference between Snoop Dogg and K-Fed? Snoop is a rapper that can actually get arrested. Last night Snoop was a guest on a late night show. After he left he was pulled over and arrested. He had cocaine and marijuana on him. He’ll be prosecuted under California’s new 10,000 strikes and you’re out law.
Have you heard about this Russian spy that was poisoned? He ingested something radioactive – or visited New Jersey.
A new study found that some of our most important nuclear secrets can be found in our public libraries. We won’t have to worry about anyone in L.A. getting a hold of it then.
"We’ve got a lot of folks visiting New York City, and you couldn’t have been here at a better time. You know what they’re doing? They’re giving the subways a makeover…And I was down in the subway earlier today and I was looking around and, to myself, I said, ‘My gosh, how can you improve on this?’" But here is the challenge – they want to modernize the subways without losing the ambiance of a terrifying hell hole.” But they – the subway upgrade began earlier today. All of the rats are getting clipped and groomed.”
Speaking of rats, how about this? Down in Florida, the Center for Disease Control has been rounding up 35-pound rats. Yeah, yeah, 35-pound rats – they’re three feet long, they weigh 35 pounds, and in New York City, you catch a rat that big, you throw it back."
Now here’s a New York story: there’s a guy whose job is a window washer, and when they do this, they cling to the side of the building and they get in these cages and they go up like 20, 30, 40, 50, 60 stories, and it’s scary stuff. And they’re hanging there – they’ve got like a harness hooked up to the building. A guy washing windows up there, way, way up in the sky, falls asleep. Falls asleep, and I was thinking about this, I haven’t fallen asleep at work – well, I guess since I heard Paris Hilton's album.
The TV Land Network has a show where they will reveal The 100 Greatest TV Quotes Of All Time. Quotes like Jimmy Walker's "DYNOMITE!", "Book 'em Dano!" from Hawaii Five-0 and Walter Cronkite's "And that's the way it is." Here's some quotes you've never heard celebrities say. You've never heard Geraldo say, "Enough about me....let's talk about you!"....You've never heard Regis Philbin say, "No, I can't fit that into my schedule!.....You've never heard Martha Stewart say, "Now squeeze the Cheeze Whiz on the Slim Jim and marinate in Budweiser overnight"....You've never heard Ryan Seacrest go, "WOW! CHECK OUT THAT CHICK OVER THERE!".....You've never heard David Hasslehoff say "Why yes, I DID take acting lessons."
