She sat on the wooden chair, her body leaning over the kitchen table, pen in
hand, scrawling furiously inside the notepad.
April had a fountain of words, and the words were spilling out, drenching the
page until it was sloppy with immoderate phrases and passionate emotions. She
began her writing ninety minutes previously... and she barely stopped to catch
a breath, as she wrote her fictional counterpart to the life she had led during
the last few days. She began on the front page and wrote from there, never creating
an outline, or writing in sections to be edited and pieced together later. Her
work was a true stream of consciousness effort.
The story was her amateur attempt at therapy; a task of self-help. She had dealt
with Freds treatment of her, and also dealt with Annas bizarre behavior.
She felt that her anguish was enough to fuel this plot. Any thoughts of literary
discipline and preparation were less than vague in her mind. She was afraid
that shed lose the energy and passion that boiled inside her soul if she
tempered her writing with genuine care.
She was so immersed in her writing that she never noticed that Anna had already
arrived home. Anna had walked into the kitchen, and began watching this unusual
performance on top the kitchen table; the battle of the English language, with
only a cheap black-ink pen as a weapon.
Is there a time limit on that test?, Anna asked mockingly.
Aprils head moved up in surprise, dropping her current idea. Oh
my...., swallowing. I never noticed you......
Oh, thats all right., looking far more sober than in previous
evenings.
So...... how was your night? , April asked. Maybe this time, the
two would have a real conversation. It would be the final time that theyd
ever have one......
Ah, it was okay.... , sitting on the chair next to Aprils.
I actually went out with Adam tonight...... but I dont think I was
a thrill, though.... Im still pretty tired, Im thinking I need to
take a break.....
April mentally agreed with that assessment.
I should ask for a couple of weeks off, Ive never took a day off
in..... eight months? God, Im so burnt out., Anna said, sloppily
running her hand across her forehead. Maybe I can settle down... relax.
And stop having those nightmares....., she sighed.
April looked straight at Annas face for the first time during this conversation.
Anna dared to reveal this horrific secret to her.....
Youve probably heard me, moaning and tossing and turning...,
Anna smiled, sorrowfully.
April nodded. yea, I did. I ... ummm, went by your room one night; I noticed.
It looked as if you were struggling. Or if you were having some sort of .....
attack.
Attack!, she scoffed, while looking down at her lap, as if from
shame. Yea, that might describe them quite well. Theyre really...
quite frightening to experience. Although youd probably laugh if I were
to tell them to you.
Whatever you think. Ill listen to you....., April said.
Anna laughed, feeling pressured to spill confidential secrets.
Well, its nothing really amazing. Its hard to explain something
accurately, and powerfully, unless the listener has an understanding of it.
Its... ah, I still remember some of the images. I was ..... ahh, tied
up, I guess. I couldnt move.... I felt a loss of control. I was watching
all this stuff going on around me, this stuff that I couldnt understand,
this stuff that was troublesome, disturbing, just awful, awful, awful. I couldnt
move to stop this..... for some reason it scared me even more, because I felt
paralyzed. It was horrible.
She looked at April, who had a tiny smile sketched on her lips. Ah, I
knew youd find it funny., she said, not unkindly.
Well, I think when a lot of us have dreams were not exactly with
full use of our faculties.
Anna looked at her more warmly than recently. I dont know... I felt
trapped, though. I felt like I wasnt allowed to be myself. Everyone was
controlling me, or denying me. It was so unpleasant. I hated it!
Yea, thats such a shame., April said. Not being allowed
to be yourself is entirely unpleasant. Not like Id know about that or
anything!
April looked at April, realizing that she angered her unnecessarily. Im
so sorry. I couldnt help myself... Im scared of myself. I really
am... I hope you can understand that. Its not a reflection of you at all.....
April averted her glance, returning it to her notepad. Oh, by the way,
I'm moving.
Anna was unsure of the sounds that clung to her ears. What was that?
Most of my stuff is packed. I managed to find a place.. bit of a dump,
cracks in the walls, and such ... but itll do for now.
April....?
Well, youll not have me around to give you nightmares anymore. I
suppose all that weird exotic food did it to you., April said, bitterly.
Anna responded with a sarcastic face, apparently unwilling to believe that her
actions could genuinely alienate April so much.
April... dont .. dont act like this...... Its okay.
I can change! I wont be such an as-hole like I was before. Really....!
Its too late, Anna. Its too late. I hope you can understand
that. Its certainly not a reflection upon you!, she imitated. Well,
not fully, at least. Theres a bit more to it than just you. But just think....
you can do your drinking on your own time, without anyone debating your choices.
You can eat what you want, without having your routine broken. Maybe you and
Adam can spend some time together here, for once. Dont you like that?
Anna felt offended, just as with earlier, but this time she was too shocked
to be genuinely angry. She realized that, whatever she did, she caused more
than enough damage.............
Two days later, April was fully packed. She had a place to move in to. She was
about to leave behind the bizarre emotional chaos of the previous few days.
As she sat on the sofa, attempting to comprehend the fact of her leaving, the
fact of her willingness, her need to change, she heard the ringing of the telephone.
The sound was menacing, reminding April that she had not quite left this apartment,
or the drama that accompanied it.
Hello....?, she spoke.
April?, claimed a male voice. Fred. How dare he try to phone her?
What do you want?, she snapped, out of surprise more than anger.
Although as the seconds wore on, the feeling of anger began to increase.
I just wanted to call you.....
Well, make it good. Im moving out, and am about to leave in the
next couple of hours, once I get all my sh-t together. Sh-t. A good analysis
of the previous few days, she thought.
Really?, he asked, before pausing, as if in reflection upon this
fact.
Guess what?, Fred resumed, twisting his voice into a boasting manner.
Im sitting at a table, by myself, at Myrons, letting my eyes
hunt for someone who can fill my time. Somebody wholl attract me, and
make me forget about you.
April clenched her teeth. She felt if she were being blamed for this pathetic
telephone call. She almost bought his saddening attempts at forcing guilt, until
rationality set in.
Well, good for you!, she introduced sarcastically. So... someone
with the same body? Someone with the same self-doubt? Someone with the same
neurosis of standing in front of a mirror, thinking that shes not thin
enough, not attractive enough, not good enough for the eyes of less imperfect
people? Who are you? Some sort of superhero for fat chicks??? Are you trying
to rescue them from themselves or what?
Rescue them? Well, I suppose they ought to feel good that I pay attention
to them?
That must be why you picked me up at Myrons all those months ago,
to make me feel good about myself. You saw this poor, dejected, lonely fat girl...
and proceeded to shower her with praise, make love to her in such a wonderful
way, to tell her that nobody is more beautiful than her.
She felt her eyes water, but she didnt want to reveal her pain, only her
anger.
Well... maybe I might have felt poor, lonely, dejected. But I dont
think Im that pathetic. I never starved myself. I never puked my guts
out at the stroke of noon and six oclock every evening. I think you judged
me a little too prematurely. If you really want to rescue anyone, you ought
to go to those anorexic counseling sessions and wait by the door. They need
a lot more emotional support.. even if its of the shallow kind. But, dont
worry about me.. I can take care of myself.
Her blood surged throughout her body as she spoke so critically, so bluntly.
I know that soon, someday, somewhere, there will be somebody, anybody,
who will love me for me. That person is out there. I know it. It may take five,
ten.... even twenty years, but someday, Ill find that person. You on the
other hand..... God, you gave all that up long ago. Youre just so wrapped
up in your neat little kink that youve forgotten what its like to
actually associate with another live human being. I think the only one who needs
rescuing is you!
There was silence on the other end. April considered that she possibly tore
at his ego. Perhaps not a kind, or wise choice.
April......, Fred grumbled. ....youre not much better
off than I am. I wouldnt puff myself up if I were you. Were all
poor, lonely and dejected........ and we have to cure that feeling, somehow.
Ive gotten used to the fact that the perfect relationship will never be....
I might as well just indulge in my likes and avoid all my dislikes. Maybe someday
youll realize this yourself.... and get out of that fantasy land. Thats
the only difference between you and me.........
April felt even more anger brewing inside her stomach. Didnt she already
get this kind of onslaught from Anna..........?
Well..... Fred, I know youre wondering how Im going to respond
to this. And.. I dont think its a good idea for us to be together.
Its not a good idea for you to know where Im moving to. We have
to just end this... here and now. I dont know if thats really why
you called.. in hopes that I would run down to the bar and cry for forgiveness.
But, its not going to happen. I really dont think if we did what
we did before, that it would be just as before..... Ill... Ill always
feel that you are undermining me. That you arent looking at me as a friend.....
as someone you actually care about.....
Oh well......, Fred grunted. His pauses suggested that his feelings
maybe werent as obvious as he made them sound, but his words never suggested
so. It was fun while it lasted......
Yes.... yes it was., April sighed. She would have loved to add that
it was fun during the times when she was blinded to the truth about him, but
she no longer felt like fighting with him any further.
Well...... see you around., Fred said, emotionless, before hanging
up.
The phone connection was broken. No longer were these two people, so close,
intimate, in speaking terms. Perhaps some day they would cross paths, but it
was very unlikely that the results would be as warmly accepted as previously.
He wore the mask of a wonderful man, a nice person to be with. But when he removed that mask, he revealed a shallow soul, no better than those teenagers who gang
up to whistle and sneer at any cute dame that walked by.
.........April wasnt allowed to be herself when associating with another
person. Another person would try to be something other than oneself when around
April, but the attempt failed, to the detriment of everyone...........
April finished her packing by gathering some smaller, trivial items. Her pens.
Her rings and bracelets. Her combs. Her compact disks. Her notepad. The notepad
she wrote in last night, in an insane passion of creativity. She paused in her
work, and scanned through the ink-smeared pages.
This story, her story...... it was garbage. Utter tripe. Within the phrases,
she whined about the unfairness of love. But as she looked at it again, in a
more sober frame of mind, she was stunned at its complete absurdity. April didnt
like any of the overheated phrases. They sounded, as she read them to herself,
like mindless blubbering.
The aching pain of ones heart over the betrayal of love.
Tears of sorrow dropping upon the table.
Soulmates are so difficult to find.....
--- all sorts of rubbish. Why would she write stuff like that? Its not
like romance and love really played a big role in the event which allegedly
inspired her to write.
Fred only loved her for her body. She only wanted a boyfriend, someone to fill
the void of those boring nights. Their outings consisted of verbal banter and
physical vernacular.
April was never too confident -- or is it reckless -- to insist on a Mr. Right,
no matter what she might have said to him on the phone. She was never confident
in herself. She never thought she could hold out for the best. Why hold out
for the best if it might never come? Maybe Fred was right. Maybe it was better
to indulge in ones own petty desires. Less likelihood of disappointment.
In any case, she was to move to a different apartment, with different people,
different lifestyles. And shed never have to worry about Fred... or Anna...
anymore. If she had to indulge in her own petty desires, she might as well begin
with a clean slate............
So.... who are you moving in with?, Anna asked.
Just myself....., flatly, as she stood next to her luggage.
No Fred?, Anna asked, hiding her surprise.
No..... no Fred. Hes probably at the bar right now looking to score
with some lonely, emotionally-damaged chick, with a few pounds in all the wrong
places., she grinned resentfully.
Anna gasped quietly at Aprils statement. Seeing anger from a distance
was a new thing for her -- usually, Anna was the one boiling in a vicious pot.
But thats all right...., Aprils tone of defiance continuing.
I can live with myself. I could before.... I just wanted someone to have
fun with, nothing special. But he belittled me, and I dont need to be
treated like that. Her stare dug heavily into Annas pupils, which
quickly began to hurt, like a fatal gouging of the eye.
Ah, well.... thats... life....., she muttered, no longer able
to look at April directly.
April began to turn towards the door. Well... um, it was nice while it
lasted... living here, I mean. The food was so-so, the company had its share
of moments, and the general accommodations were endurable, but I think next
time, Ill hold out for more a satisfying locale.
Anna wanted to show her that there were better things than April was led to
believe. But it was too late. April already had her mind made up, as she stepped
out to the other side of the doorway.
See you around., April said coldly, as she halfheartedly turned
her head in Annas general direction.
April shut the door behind her. She was gone, never to reside at this address
again. perhaps the two women would see each other again, perhaps not. Charlottetown
was a small place, but even in a town of 40,000, two people can get lost in
the shuffle.
Anna was still standing at the same point on the map. She had nowhere to go....
she was still on Queen Street, and wouldnt be leaving it any time soon.
Then Anna had a thought, a thought that perhaps would clear her head of the
emotional distress that accompanied change. She could stay here, and settle
down for once. Feel the tension rise from her body, the stress evaporate from
her heart......
The apartment was silent. The feeling was otherworldly, terrifying.
Anna stood in the middle of the room. She was alone. Nobody else was here. Nobody
else lived here. She was the only inhabitant, on her own makeshift desert island.
She had all her creature comforts.
She exhaled a sound, just to interject sound into the sudden, unexpected errieness.
She then walked over to the couch, sitting next to the television remote control,
which she soon held in her hand......
For what seemed like hours, if not days, she flipped channel after channel.
Occasionally, she would hold her attention on one particular flickering image
-- but soon her focus wavered, and so she moved on.
During these hours, shed instinctively look to her right, or to the kitchen
table in the next room. Once in a while, she would find herself removed from
the sofa, nervous tension surging through her body, treading around the bedrooms,
the kitchen, even the bathroom, all without aim, without purpose.
She sat back down on the couch, to reprise her helpless staring toward the television
screen. She felt herself being drawn from her own consciousness. Her body was
gripped with a painful seizure, a seizure that tried its hardest to render her
immobile. Gradually, the feeling grew ever so worse. She was in bondage. The
rooms were becoming oppressive, as if the walls were actively trapping her.
The television became a conveyor of damning, shallow taunts. The sky outside
grew darker; the approaching night --- but also an approaching menace.
Arrgh...., Anna growled, holding her head. She felt scalding tears
within her eyes, trapped by her closed eyelids. It wasnt sorrow, but agony.
She was having her nightmares again. Yet this time she was alert, in a waking
state. Surely, she was still awake. Surely, not one of the days of these last
few weeks was part of a deceptive, cunning dreamscape..........
What were the nightmares trying to convey? The obvious seemed to be.... work-related
stress, the need to get away from it all. The need to be alone. Away from the
world......
But the emotions of the night ravaged her, at this very instant, with even more
violence.
She gripped the remote in her hand, tightening her hold until her knuckles were
crimson, until the skin over them felt about to split. She wanted to wail. Like
an immature grunt from the call center who complains about all, about anything
that could get him away from all that strenuous work. Godd-mn........
She wanted to wake up. She wanted to wake up. She wanted to wake up. She wanted
to..............
