D A M N I T O L
Take 2 and the rest of the world can go to hell for up to 8 full hours.
_____
E M P T Y N E S T R O G E N
Suppository that eliminates melancholy and loneliness by reminding you
of
how awful they were as teenagers and how you couldn't wait till they
moved
out.
_____
ST. M O M M A'S W O R T
Plant extract that treats mom's depression by rendering preschoolers
unconscious for up to two days.
_____
P E P T O B I M B O
Liquid silicone drink for single women. Two full cups swallowed before
an
evening out increases breast size, decreases intelligence, and prevents
conception.
_____
D U M B E R O L
When taken with Peptobimbo, can cause dangerously low IQ, resulting in
enjoyment of country music and pickup trucks.
_____
F L I P I T O R
Increases life expectancy of commuters by controlling road rage and the
urge
to flip off other drivers.
_____
M E N I C I L L I N
Potent anti-boy-otic for older women. Increases resistance to such
lethal
lines as, "You make me want to be a better person."
_____
BUYAGRA
Injectable stimulant taken prior to shopping Increases potency,
duration,
and credit limit of spending spree.
_____
J A C K A S S P I R I N
Relieves headache caused by a man who can't remember your birthday,
anniversary, phone number, or to lift the toilet seat.
_____
A N T I-T A L K S I D E N T
A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be used on anyone too eager to
share
their life stories with total strangers in elevators.
_____
N A G A M E N T
When administered to a boyfriend or husband, provides the same
irritation
level as nagging him.
