stuff Blog by BONZ
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BONZ's blog: "stuff"

created on 10/15/2006  |  http://fubar.com/stuff/b14182
I was depressed last night so I called Lifeline. Got a call center in Pakistan . I told them I was suicidal. They got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck.
At the end of the tax year the IRS office sent an inspector to audit > the books of a Synagogue. While he was checking the books he > turned to the Rabbi and said, "I notice you buy a lot of candles. What do > you do with the candle drippings?" > > "Good question," noted the Rabbi. "We save them up and send them > back to the candle makers, and every now and then they send us a free > box of candles." > > "Oh," replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual > question had a practical answer. But on he went, in his obnoxious > way: "What about all these bread wafer purchases? What do you do > with the crumbs?" > > "Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi, realizing that the inspector was > trying to trap him with an unanswerable question. "We collect them and > send them back to the manufacturer, and every now and then they send us a > free box of bread-wafers. " > > "I see," replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could > fluster the know-it-all Rabbi. "Well, Rabbi," he went on, "What do > you do with all the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?" > > "Here, too, we do not waste," answered the Rabbi. " What we do is > save all the foreskins and send them to the tax office, and about > once a year they send us a complete dick." > >
The inventor of the Harley-Davidson motorcycle, Arthur Davidson, > > Died and went to heaven. At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur. > > "Since you've been such a good man and your motorcycles have > > Changed the world, your reward is, you can hang out with anyone > > You want to in heaven." > > > > Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said, "I want to > > Hang out with God." > > St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room, and introduced him > > To God. > > God recognized Arthur and commented, "Okay, so you were the > > One who invented the Harley-Davidson motorcycle?" > > Arthur said, "Yeah, that's me...." > > God commented: "Well, what's the big deal in inventing something > > that's pretty unstable, makes noise and pollution, and can't run > > Without a road?" > > Arthur was apparently embarrassed, but finally spoke, "Excuse me, > > But aren't you the inventor of woman?" > > > > God said, "Ah, yes." > > "Well", said Arthur, "professional to professional, you have some > > Major design flaws in your invention": > > > > 1. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end > > protrusion > > 2. It chatters constantly at high speeds > > 3. Most rear ends are too soft and wobble too much > > 4. The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust 5. The maintenance > > costs are outrageous!!!! > > > > "Hmmmmm, you may have some good points there," > > Replied God, "hold on." > > > > God went to his Celestial supercomputer, typed in a few words and > > Waited for the results. The computer printed out a slip of paper > > And God read it. > > > > "Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed", God said to > > Arthur, "but, according to these numbers, more men are riding my > > Invention than yours." >
Now I lay me down to sleep > I pray the Lord my shape to keep. > Please no wrinkles, Please no bags > And please lift my butt before it sags. > Please no age spots, Please no gray > And as for my belly, Please take it away. > Please keep me healthy, Please keep me young, > And thank you Dear Lord, For all that you've done. > > Five tips for a woman.... > 1. It is important that a man helps you around the house and has a job. > 2. It is important that a man makes you laugh. > 3. It is important to find a man you can count on and doesn't lie to > You. > 4. It is important that a man loves you and spoils you. > 5. It is important that these four men don't know each other. > > Foot Note: > One saggy boob said to the other saggy boob: > "If we don't get some support soon, people will think we're nuts."
How Budweiser handled those who laughed at those who died on the 11th of September, 2001 ...Thought you might like to know what happened in a little town north of Bakersfield , California . After you finish reading this, please forward this story on to others so that our nation and people around the world will know about those who laughed when they found out about the tragic events in New York , Pennsylvania , and the Pentagon. On September 11th, a Budweiser employee was making a delivery to a convenience store in a California town named McFarland. He knew of the tragedy that had occurred in New York when he entered the business to find the two Arabs, who owned the business, whooping and hollering to show their approval and support of this treacherous attack. The Budweiser employee went to his truck, called his boss and told him of the very upsetting event! He didn't feel he could be in that store with those horrible people. His boss asked him, "Do you think you could go in there long enough to pull every Budweiser product and item our beverage company sells there? We'll never deliver to them again." The employee walked in, proceeded to pull every single product his beverage company provided and left with an incredible grin on his face. He told them never to bother to call for a delivery again. Budweiser happens to be the beer of choice for that community. Just letting you know how Kern County handled this situation. And Now The Rest Of The Story: It seems that the Bud driver and the Pepsi man are neighbors. Bud called Pepsi and told him. Pepsi called his boss who told him to pull all Pepsi products as well!!! That would include Frito Lay, etc. Furthermore, word spread and all vendors followed suit! At last report, the store was closed indefinitely. Good old American Passive-Aggressive A$$ Whoopin! Pass this along, America needs to know that we're all working together! If you can read this. Thank a teacher... If you are reading it in English.... THANK A SOLDIER!!! God Bless America !!
to u that read this, ty....this is the Captain speaking...that is all...diiisssssmissed to the ones i know well...its jus ssdd..to others..rsvp....Gary
Bubba went to a psychiatrist. "I've got problems. Every time I go to bed, I think there's somebody under it. I'm scared. I think I'm going crazy." "Put yourself in my hands for one year," said the shrink. "Come talk to me three times a week, and we should be able to get rid of those fears." "How much do you charge?" "Eighty dollars per visit," replied the psychiatrist. "I'll sleep on it," said Bubba. Six months later the psychiatrist met Bubba on the street. "Why didn't you ever come to see me about those fears you were having?" asked the psychiatrist. "Well, eighty bucks a visit three times a week for a year is an awful lot of money! A bartender cured me for $10. I was so happy to have saved all that money I went and bought me a new pickup!" "Is that so! And how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?" "He told me to cut the legs off the bed! Ain't nobody under there now." Who says rednecks are stupid?
I don't know your name, or names - we may never know who you are - so I can't address you personally. You killed several thousands of our friends...perhaps not people who we knew personally, but people like us. People who worked hard to make a living, who loved someone, who were loved by someone, who worried about making a better life for their children and grandchildren, who believed in God and the American Dream, who criticized this country for its insufficiencies and cared enough to try and change things and ensure a better future, not just for us, but for the world. People who leave behind scores of loved ones, friends, pets, neighbors, coworkers, and members of their faiths. Perhaps even people who derived from your own country and who sought refuge here. Your act was a slaughter of the innocents. You are like an insidious cancer that strikes without warning, ravages bodies, tears families apart, and in the end can never destroy the soul. You are the ultimate coward. You may topple our buildings, collapse our communication systems, disrupt our government, crash our markets, and leave behind the carnage of bodies, but you will never destroy the soul of America. We made this country from the bits and pieces of the rest of the world; we took the best, the worst of every culture and nationality, race and creed, and made an alloy that may be dented, but not even a trial by fire can melt. I don't know what God you believe in, or what hateful rhetoric you espouse, or what your misguided political beliefs might be that allows you to do what you did today without a fear of eternal damnation. I only know that you may win a battle or two, but you will never win this war! We have the entire history of the world on our side, and no dictator, despot, or madman has survived as long as America has thrived and prospered. If you accomplished anything at all today, it was to give America a wake-up call, and we will now rise up stronger than before. You are defeated before you've even begun, there in your private hell and later in your eternal one. Someday your people may even need our help, and because we are America, we would respond. May God bless the friends we lost, their families, friends, neighbors and coworkers. We will help them rebuild from the ashes. May God continue to bless America, help her to protect us all, and may she continue to shine as a beacon of democracy and hope to the rest of the world. Poem by: Jim Willis 2001(c)
I knew it, I knew it !!! > I knew they would finally release the ingredients in Viagra: > > > 3% Vitamin E > 2% Aspirin > 2% Ibuprofen > 1% Vitamin C > 5% Spray Starch > 87% Fix-A-Flat
1. You accidentally enter your password on the microwave. 2. You haven't played Solitaire with real cards in years. 3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 4. 4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you. 5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don't have e-mail addresses. 6. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries. 7. Every commercial on television has a web site at the bottom of the screen. 8. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't have the first 20 or 30 (or 50) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go and get it. 10. You get up in the morning and go on line before getting your coffee. 11. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. : ) 12 You're reading this and nodding and laughing. 13. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this message. 14. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list. 15. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't#9 on this list AND NOW YOU ARE LAUGHING at yourself. Go on, forward this to your friends. You know you want to!!
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