I've complained a bit in my blog about men on the internet and how they talk to women. I thought I would share a few of the experiences I've chronicled. The majority of these are from my first couple months as an active IM'er last year. After that, I honestly got blase about it, and stopped chronicling the idiocy.
Names have been changed to protect the idiotic. My comments are in italics. And these are all direct cut and pastes. I didn't edit, modify, embellish, or do anything other than cut and paste them.
By the way, for more examples, see:
Note: Some of these are R-rated. Cover the eyes of your children and all that.
Disclaimer
I don't hate men, and I certainly do not judge men based on these prizes. I'm obviously not adverse to talking to people online, since I'm here. I have made some very good friends online, and most of my friends are guys in real life. It's just that they wouldn't talk to women the way these winners do. Period.
Opening Lines
Believes In the Classic: what u wearing tonight
Stuck in the Past: what a doll
Me: Chuckie?
Stuck in the Past: ummm, no
Yawn: hello ... your pic is HOT
(Note: do guys think this actually appeals them to us? If you didn't think I was hot, you'd probably not bother talking to me, you shallow jerk.)
If You Don't Succeed: ever think about giving or getting a spanking?
Try Try Again (next day): id love you to spank me
Punctuation Deficient: hello great picture pretty face are you bi
Didn't Learn His Netiquette: NICE PIC YOU LOOK HOT
Me: Um... thanks.
Didn't Learn His Netiquette: YW
Preoccupied: WANNA WRESTLE LOL
TMI: mmmmmmmm....WOW.......sure would love to see more of you...on cam or inperson......my cam is up...so am I...thanks to YOU! Wanna join me on cam?
Stating the Obvious: wow you're so white
Guys Who Devolved
Here's some guys that started off well, with a nice "Hello, I'm blah blah, nice to meet you," but then devolved into Guy From Another Planet.
Are You Serious: am in west africa right now and am suck down here i need ur help to help em get my money cash and send it back to me true western union
Another Wrestling Fetish: i went mud wrestling lol
AWF: at a party
Me: Wow. Your parties are different than my parties!
AWF: have you ever mud wrestled lol
Me: We do sedate things like drink a lot. Maybe swim. Eat lots of unhealthy food.
AWF: would you try pudding wrestling
Me: I think that there are better things to do with pudding than wrestle in it
ObviousFetish: i like legs in hose
Me: Hmm... Well, I don't wear them all that often, since I don't have to dress up for work.
ObviousFetish: wear them when we meet
ObviousFetish: so i can feel
Me: Hmm... wow, you're forward.
ObviousFetish: ya
ObviousFetish: i like shorts and hose
ObviousFetish: wear that
ObviousFetish: i like legs in silky shiny tan hose
Me: I like jeans. :D
ObviousFetish: nooo
ObviousFetish: hose
ObviousFetish: gotta have shiny hose
ObviousFetish: like the Hooters girls
ObviousFetish: ok ?
Me: OK, first of all -- tan hose with shorts? Dude, that is TACKY, even for a Hooters girl. Second, a HOOTERS GIRL? I think you're lookin' in the wrong place here. Try a corner somewhere downtown.
Black, You THINK: hi. do you date black guys?
Me: I date people I have things in common with, regardless of race.
But Apparently Not: im white...i just think white women look really good with darker guys
BAN: i accidentally saw one of my exs with a black guy and ive been interested since
Me: I see. So, are you just taking a poll?
BAN: somewhat...moreso try to find open minded women that might be ok with me watching that
Not My Type: on my boat no one near us i kiss you ..i undo your top do you smile to please me or cover up?
(Note: Do I smile to PLEASE HIM? How 'bout I smile 'cuz I damn well feel like it?!)
Still Not My Type: in my car i asked you to open your top and leave your chest exposed as we talk 5-36 minutes would you?
Still Not My Type: from 5-35 minutes
(Gotta love how he clarified that he meant 35 minutes rather than 36. That made a critical difference. As if I would expose myself to him for 35 minutes, but that extra minute put it past my comfort zone!)
Bad Poetry Guy: Good Morning Last night I fell asleep feeling amazingly safe in your arms.Your warm body so close to me like a shield from all harm.You pulled me closer into you,until I felt us become one, though two your smell, your touch unexplainable arousing, the feeling I cannot unfold, if I could speak it in words the equivalent to one thousand. I have never felt like this before, just when I think I have it all you give me more...At times I am afraid to close my eyes, afraid that I will find you are not real. but, you always seem to know how I feel. I open my eyes to find you are still here, yielding yourself to the depth of my yearning. I look up at your smile and softly whisper... Good Morning.
Another One: I shot an arrow into the air, It fell to earth, I knew not where; For, so swiftly it flew, the sight Could not follow it in its flight. I breathed a song into the air, It fell to earth, I knew not where; For who has sight so keen and strong, That it can follow the flight of song? Long, long afterward, in an oak I found the arrow, still unbroke; And the song, from beginning to end, I found again in the heart of a friend- henry W longfellow
(Note: Doubt he even knew what this poem meant.)
Can't Even Title, They're So Bad
Then there are the guys that are downright disgusting. I mean, would you say this stuff to a total stranger in real life? Why do they think a woman would want to hear this stuff from a guy she's barely said "hi" to?
(The first two are opening lines)
To the Point: how long has it been since you came?
Fishing: like my ass?
Inquisitive: do you like too uses all three holes
Inquisitive: i bet your a great 69
Inquisitive: do the hair match on both ends
OverShares: or yo can watch me be bad lol
Me: Are you being bad at anything in particular?
OverShares: just watching porn and well...lol
OverShares: a redhead and a hung black guy lol
Me: And you're online, too? Wow, you can multi-task.
OverShares: god this woman is hot lol
OverShares: anmd you don;t wanna see what it did to me lol
Me: Oh, SO don't wanna see.
Scumbags
Challenged: so are u married?
Me: Nope. Divorced. You?
Challenged: yes....but very unhappy
Me: Uh... I'm sorry you're unhappy. Why are you unhappy?
Challenged: don't be sorry
Challenged: can i be honest with ya..
Me: Sure.
Challenged: well the marriage is great....but when you get "it" about once every two months...it makes u crazy and makes me want to find it somewhere else...
Challenged: don't think i am a scum ball please
Challenged: i am not looking to leave her but i would like a "friend" with benefits
Me: No, that doesn't make me think you're a scum ball at all. (
Scum BALL?)
Jerk: very very nice
Me: Thank you! I do generally consider myself a nice person. *beam*
Jerk: No, ur body. i luv ur body.
Me: Glad to have a fan.
Jerk: we were built for each other
Me: We are, huh. Well, it's too bad you're hiding out in an unspecified location, then.
(His profile had no location on it.)
Jerk: i think so. im in chicago you?
Me: Did you read my profile at all, or just ogle my pics?
Jerk: im staring at your pic
(Well, at least he's honest)
Me: Well, so sorry that I took the time to provide extensive information about myself that you'll miss out on *comfort*
Jerk: what size on top?
Me: Ohh... like the blog where I tell you NEVER EVER to ask about my bra size.
Jerk: i know but im special
Me: Oh, and why is that?
Jerk: i think you will like my body too
Me: Sweet cheeks, I'm incredibly smart and much more attracted to brains than bodies.
...crickets...
And the Winner Is...
This next guy was RIPE. I mean, I could plumb the log of my conversations with him all day... I kept talking to him purely for my own amusement. Here's some of my top picks:
Loser: am really sad sweetie am alone sweetie
Loser: am looking for the right lady that i will be with her till the rest of my life sweetie
Loser: that why i wanna know u well sweetie
Loser: am loooking for the honesty and care love and god fearing sweetie
Loser: u can still give a birth right?
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Loser: sweetie u sound like i have found the lady i need in my life
Loser: but i will like to know who u r sweetie
Loser: bcs i dont want an haert breaker
Loser: sweetie u so sweet tanya
Loser: i will like to go deep in u sweet
(I don't even think he meant that to be dirty)
(This one took place while I wasn't even online. Because, helloooooo -- when am I online at 6:10 a.m.?)
Loser: hello sweetie [Offline Message (Sun Aug 21 06:10:32 2005)]
Loser: am hear waithing for u to get online' [Offline Message (Sun Aug 21 06:10:44 2005)]
Loser: i wanna talk to u sweetie [Offline Message (Sun Aug 21 06:10:56 2005)]
Loser: i do miss ur conversation with me [Offline Message (Sun Aug 21 06:11:08 2005)]
Loser: lo [Offline Message (Sun Aug 21 06:11:09 2005)]
Loser: pls come online [Offline Message (Sun Aug 21 06:11:13 2005)]
Loser: [Offline Message (Sun Aug 21 06:11:16 2005)]
Loser: gu there? [Offline Message (Sun Aug 21 06:11:21 2005)]
Loser: am really glad i meet with u swetie
Loser: and now i dont know how u feel
Loser: bcs i really need a kind of sweetie romantic sencetive and princess like u in my life
Loser: and i think u will give me a chance
Loser: i will like to tell u all the felling i have for u sweetie
Loser: y not get to see you as often as I like. I may not get to hold you in my arms all through the night. But deep in my heart I truly know, you're the one that I love, and I can't let you go."
