Just Me's blog: "Life"

So those who know, know I am going through the VA Disability P&C Process as part of the IDES system which is part of the PEB and the MEB.  

Month ago, had a audiological eval, it came out good, very minor hearing loss.  Granted she was the cutest girl I ever had do a hearing exam on me (think the only girl too).  Knew I should've worn earplugs more.

Couple weeks ago, had the physical eval.  Doc who did the eval, when she got me from the waiting area said:  You're a hot mess.  (I asked for clarification, and she said she is allotted two to three hours for the exam and usually a third of it is for reviewing the records before she gets the patient.  She wasn't half way done with mine and had spent an hour and a half.)  

Today I had the mental health eval.  He was asking question, and I was answering fully, honestly, not holding back.  He stopped writing but was still asking questions.  Didn't say what the diagnosis/recommendation was, but I got this feeling like I am either going to be picked up by the folks in the white coats and put in a straight jacket or I am sane.  Either way, I am scared or you should be.  And to top it off, my weekly counseling session, was cancelled for tomorrow.  

February 21, 2012:  I woke up dizzy, and went to PT against the wishes of my then girlfriend to go to the doctor.  I took a knee a few times during Ultimate Frisbee but managed get through.  And I am not talking just a little dizzy, I am talking staggering/stumbling dizzy.  I went to 0900 formation, and luckily, there was a HMMWV parked right next to where I stood in front of my platoon for me to "lean on" and keep anyone from noticing my inability to stand still.  

After formation went to my office, and one of the NCOs who worked for me asked me some questions, and he needed some paperwork.  I had it in my truck, and we started walking and he asked me if I had been drinking.  I said no, he said that I was slurring my words and staggering like I had been drinking.  He said I needed to go to the ER, and I said I would be fine.  He said he needed to the use restroom and I told him I would be right back while he was doing that and get the stuff from my truck (plus put the frisbee up.)  When I got back to my office, my commander was there as well, and he ordered me to go to the ER.  I said I would go to the clinic and do a walk-in, be faster.  He said ok. 

Doctor there said I had a double ear infection, but never looked in my ears.  Sent me home with an anti-dizziness drug.  I went home, called the girlfriend, let her know I was on quarters, and she said she would pick me up after she got off work.  (couldn't drive on the meds.)  She got me, and that night, I was REALLY dizzy and slurring, and started to get some major chills.  Could not get warm!  Even with her in the bed next to me, skin to skin, and several blankets, I was freezing!!!! She tried to make me go to the ER that night.

Next morning, Saturday, I woke up with a headache like I have never had before.  Couldn't move, couldn't look, couldn't think, took me 5 tries to get words out, freezing, dizzy, stumbling, and was worser off.  She made me get dressed and took me to the ER.  Went in and checked in, the place was packed!!!!  I figured an all day thing just to be seen.  I had no more than found a seat for me and her when they called me to get triaged.  I went in, she asked me my name, DOB, and all that, and I had trouble thinking of it.  She asked me to read an eye chart, and I Read it just beautifully with my left eye, AS ALWAYS!  Right eye, think it was about 4 lines down I could see.  

The nurse had me sit down, and said she would be right back.  She came back in, and said the doctor was going to speak to me.  He came in, and said he was sending me to get a CT scan.  That was when I started to get concerned.  They had not taken my blood pressure, temp, pulse, pulse ox, nothing yet.  

I got out of CT, got a room, and sent a message to my girlfriend on my phone.  She couldn't come back without us being married.  So I sent a nurse to get her.  She got back there, and she asked what was going on.  I said I didn't know.  The nurse wasn't answering my questions, well mainly cause I wasn't being coherent in my statements.  Heather (the girlfriend) started doing my speaking for me, Thankfully!  

They said a word I never wanted to hear.  They were treating me for symptons of a stroke!!!!!  Nuerologist was called in, and he ran some more tests, to include spinal tap,  MRI, MRV, X-rays, bloodwork, all kinds of good stuff, and then transferred me to the civilian hospital where they had a better stroke center.  I spent four days being used as a human pin cushion, undergoing every test I knew of and a lot I had never heard of.  

I was discharged with a diagnosis of complex migraines.  Followed up with the migraine specialist, and it is Chronic Daily Persistent Headaches, and neurology says Disabling Hemiplegic Migraine Syndrome.  

Since February, I have had 8 MRIs, 5 CAT Scans, given more blood than a blood donor does in a lifetime (figuratively), and gone through so many things to try and figure out what caused it and to fix it.  I have gone two days without a migraine since I left the hospital.  One of those, I was drinking from about 8:00 AM and the other I was given a series of infusions the two days prior.

I have also been transferred from my unit, an Expeditionary Signal Battalion, to the Warrior Transition Unit where I am pending the findings of my medical evaulation board and discharge from the US Army after over 13 years of service.  

Well for those who didn't know, I am deploying.  I got a date today, and well, it is about when I thought it was going to be, but had 2 weeks of training thrown in on top of it, and just don't see me getting to enjoy my last few weeks of life stateside before I have to leave.  It looks like training, pack out, take a few days of leave, and then....well.....leave. 

It's been fun, won't be around a whole lot, got quite a bit of crap that needs to be done around here.  See ya when I get the chance.

 

For those that want it, let me know and I'll hit ya with an address of where I am scheduled to go.

Well, I am officially on a new page, and it is quickly starting to be filled in. In the past month, I have done a lot. I flew back stateside, drank too much, ate too much, and tried to have fun. I found that my Ex-Spousal Unit To Be and I can have a conversation, but also that we are going to end our marriage after 8 years. I drove across country, spent time with mom, and then my dad. Now I am sitting in a Motel 6 in Killeen, TX and just waiting on my paycheck to hit so I can go spend FAR too much money to get a place to live. Then I'll probably drive back up to Oklahoma, get some furniture from my house in Arkansas, from my mom, and some from my dad. I did find a nice place to live, and under my BAH. I paid my application fee to get the house, and then stopped and grabbed me a Sonic cheeseburger, tater tots, and then a new gas cap for my truck. (check engine light had been on for a year and the gas cap took care of it.) While I was eating and driving, my cell phone rang. I couldn't chew and swallow fast enough, but called back, and I was told I was approved already. I went and put down $100 so I could get the paperwork to start to get the Electricity and other utilities turned on. Now I gotta do some more driving, and get stuff to live on. I'll probably start to work next week.

Last night was fun. Lots of fun. I finally got all of my crap repacked (minus one set of ACUs, and a stuffed puppy) and we got headed towards the airport. It was Troy, Jenn, and I. Everything was going good, we were having fun laughing and joking while Troy drove, and then we realized he missed the exit. About the same time, a pretty serious dust storm blew in. (I was worried about my flight but could not let on.) Troy found a spot, turned around, and I continued to reassure Jenn that I was leaving. (part of me thinks she wishes I wasn't able to get out.) Well, as we were driving, we all continued talking, and then realized that Troy had again missed the exit. We again turned around and got the exit right this time, after some backing up and all of that. It was kind of funny, my last trip on the roads in Kuwait was a typical trip in Kuwait. Got to the airport, and the dust storm was pretty danged bad. My duffel bag still has quite a bit of sand on it as does my suitcase. We got my crap offloaded, and I got checked in. Jenn bought me dinner at Fuddruckers. Dang, even in Kuwait I like a Fuddruckers burger. Well, we sat and talked, and Marty kept asking me when we were going to the gate. Marty and I arrived on the same day, were leaving on the same day, had our household goods picked up on the same day, and cleared housing on the same day. She sat 3 rows ahead of me, but when I went up to talk to her, she was OUTTTT! Course, I was out for about 7 hours of that flight myself. At about 1715 EST, I had a nice alcoholic beverage. I had a Jim Beam and a coke. Granted, I forgot Jim was some nasty stuff. I enjoyed it though. I wanted a Bud Light really really really really badly. Unfortunately, they did not have Bud..They had Miller. I settled for a Miller Light later one, but had a danged good nap, watched parts of a couple of movies, and just thought about what it was going to be like to be home. It's kind of like having a lemon and a spoonful of sugar. Nice, but still a bit on the sour side. Hence, bittersweet. Well, at about 6:15 AM EST this morning, I landed at Dulles just outside of DC. I got off the plane and cleared customs, got my bags etc...etc...etc...I walked out of customs, and it was actually a long walk to get past the partitions/dividers to get to the waiting area. As I passed the dividers, well, I heard this little voice say "THERE'S DADDY!!!!!" I picked up my pace a bit, and got around the divider area, and got towards the area where it was open, there were my three boys. They all three ran up to me and about knocked me flat. They hugged my neck, and I just held them close for what seemed liked about a nanosecond. I then gave Steph a hug, but something didn't feel right. There was emotion, but it was off. I dont' know what it was. Got to the house about 8:10, and while the boys were getting ready for school, I ran to the Class 6. I got a 24 pack of Bud Light, a Diet Mountain Dew, and came back to the house. She took the boys to school while I drank a nice, ice cold Bud Light long neck, and then we went to Sam's Club and to the car dealership to get her tags. I had a nice juicy Sirloin Steak for lunch. Oh man, was it good. It was so juicy, so tasty. It was cooked, and then ate within 10 minutes of cooking. Granted, if I was back in the Desert, it would be Surf and Turf night, and I would eat shrimp or scallops, but this steak was OUTSTANDING on the grille. Had a few neighbors come by, shake the hand, laugh about me drinking a beer (a few before noon EST), and just welcome me back for a few days. I don't know how much I'm going to get accomplished over the next two weeks before I leave, but I plan to keep myself busy. Thinking too much SUCKS, and I am good at it. Plus, better life through chemistry. Well, being in the states, I do not think it has set in just yet. I am enjoying the boys, and am enjoying certain aspects, but there are things I miss about Kuwait already. If everything goes well, there will be a gathering of people in the front yard of Stephanie's house tonight. If not, oh well..Who needs other when you got my three boys? Just thought I would let eveyone know I am stateside, I am alive, Stephanie has not shot me, and I am anebriated.

Well, even though I know that this will be analyzed, and picked a part, I guess it is time for me to make one of my last posts to this blog from Kuwait. I have spent 358 days in theater. Yeah...Just shy of a year, but within the amount for me to get credit for a one year tour. Oh darn, I am leaving a week early. (leap year, 366 days.) In the past year, I have learned a lot. A lot about myself, a lot about other people, and a lot about life in general. I learned that I am pretty darned resilient. I am adept at overcoming obstacles. I am funny when I want to be. I can be determined, and get things accomplished, or be bullheaded and not get things accomplished. I learned that even those things in life that we think will never happen, happens. I learned that dogs are like some people, and they leave our life too soon. I learned that kids are better at handling some things better than we give credit to them for, and that they understand them better than we thought they would. I learned that a 4 year old can make any day seem better, and a 7 year old can crush a day in a heart beat. (nothing like being asked when you were leaving again before you even get to see him, and I don't know how to take that.) I learned that a horrible duty assignment can turn into a blessing. I learned that a couple of bad emails can lead to a pretty bad assignment. I learned that self fulfilling prophecies are only self fulfilling if we allow them to be, and we don't even realize we are allowing it half the time. I learned that alarm clocks are worth what you pay for them. I learned that music is an important part of life and dealing with some of the bull in it. Even though I don't show it much, but I learned that there is more to life than money, even though it is nice. I learned that communication can mean a world of difference. I learned that a good friend with a kind word, and an open ear can make even the darkest days seem good. I learned that a wife without a kind word or open ear can make the brightest day seem dark. I learned that without attention, relationships that you thought would never end will end. I learned that out of ashes comes new life. From the ashes of one relationship, another will form. Newton's Law applied to life and relationships.....who knew? Granted, one was a marriage, the other a good friendship, but hey....beggars can't be choosers. I learned that sometimes what we have suspicions of, is sometimes best left as suspicions. (shut up Toby Keith.) I learned humor can turn things around in the best possible way. I learned that sexual harassment affects more than just the victim. (no, it was not me.) I learned that a victim focused system sucks, and we have to change it. I learned that even me, a racist and a sexist, can put those things to the side when it matters. (somewhere in the neighborhood of almost everyone is sexist and/or racist so put your chins back up.) I learned that John Deere Gator beats a Nativa anyday because it doesn't have a speedometer, and there are more places in the other zones to park a Gator. It's also a lot easier to get a Gator when it's 115+ outside than it is to get the Nativa. Besides the breeze don't feel bad and I looked pretty good with my yellow hard hat, ACUs, and sunglasses on. I learned that I look in brown. I also look good in blue. I learned that Under Armour is a lifesaver in the same 115+ heat. Water is the nectar of life, and you can never have too many cases of the good stuff in your room, because they always run out of the good stuff. I learned that even an old broke man can be competitive in a Soldier board. I learned that even those you don't like, make an impact in your life, even after they are gone. I learned that a friend online who listens, and who will answer the phone, is a gift from heaven. I learned that same friend in real life is a glowing example of what the human race can be. I learned that a secret can be devastating. I learned that trust is an important aspect, and without it no relationship can stand, no matter how platonic or romantic. Romance is hard. Romance while 8,000 miles away is almost impossible. I learned that the answer to every problem 8,000 miles away is not, I am in the desert and 8,000 miles away, what do you want me to do about it? I learned that sometimes you can hit a cop car with it's lights on and it be a no-fault accident. I learned that even though you are separated, that if the insurance is in your name, you still have to do the paperwork. I learned that those entertainers--no matter how much you don't like them--move up your list of favorite entertainers if they bear the sandstorms and put on a concert or just do a meet and greet. I learned that a coin is far more valuable than an award, and can be a much more treasured possession. I learned that a good NCO is worth their weight in gold, and is a very powerful tool to have on your side. (not an ally because an ally is only used when convenient, whereas a tool is used when needed.) The right tool at the wrong time, still makes it wrong and makes it damn hard to get things changed. I learned a lot, and have grown a lot as a person, a man, a human being, a father, and as a husband. (probably to be used in any future marriage.) I also learned that just because your spouse is in the military, it does not mean that your spouse understands the military or what you are going through in the desert. I learned that a care package has to be shared. It exponentially increases the joy of the care package and reminds you of why we are in this world. I also learned that there is no such thing as too many home made cookies when you leave them on your desk at night and the LTC likes to snack about 2200 before he calls his wife and kids. I learned that a Chaplain is a good listener, has some ideas, and may not always agree with you, but he does know a lot. I also learned that going to one for help for the first time after 8 years in the military is too late. I learned that life can be better through pharmaceuticals. I also learned that even I, the heaviest sleeper in Basic Training, can have trouble sleeping. I learned that friendship is powerful, and can mean a world of difference. Well, I am off to finish cleaning/pack. I will probably post when I get stateside, and those who had my cell phone number back last year, and in March, well, I still have that number and have two cell phones charged and ready to go. Use it. To those who have supported me over the past 12 months, thank you. I have not, and will not forget you. To my family, thank you for being there. To my kids, I love you guys and miss you. To my wife, well.................... To my friends, you rock. To my great friends, thank you, you so totally completely rock. To my best friend, thank you so damned much, and don't forget about lunch one day.

Well, I’m down to 30 days. 30 days and I leave this place. 31 days I get boots on ground on American soil. I’m keeping busy, a whole lot busier than I wanted to be, but what can you expect? My replacement is working hard to keep up, and he has taken up some slack, but when he has questions, I can’t turn my back. I have to be there with him and I have to pretty much hold his hand. I did sign up for the Swim the English Channel Fitness Challenge. I didn’t swim for the first 2 days because I was still peeling from my sunburn a couple weeks ago. I finally got that taken care of, and well, started out. On Friday during PT, I swam 20 laps. Not much, but it was over half a mile. That left me with 20.5 miles or so to go. 736 laps to be exact. Well….I went yesterday since I got off of work early, and stayed at the pool for almost 4 hours. I realized, because a lifeguard pointed it out, that my kick is broken. So she tried to help me, and well…..it’s still broken. So she had me try some swim fins. OMG! That is almost cheating. I swam 72 laps. I swam 2 miles yesterday. Granted, I am feeling it a bit today, but I am going to go out and do some more today. Yes, I am putting lots of sunblock on now. I am getting kind of excited though. At 6:47 AM EST on 10 September, I should be on ground at Dulles. American SOIL! An American boy returns home! I can take my ID off of my arm and leave it off for a few days. (we have to wear our ID exposed in civilians in PTs.)

Well, for those who have not noticed, I have not been around a whole lot. What can I say? It's life. It's my life, not a lot of a life, but it's mine. I have been doing a lot more MWR stuff. MWR is the services that are provided by the Military for Morale, Welfare, and Recreation. I have been going to the gym. I'm back down in the 180s. I have been playing a new Xbox 360 game, NASCAR 09. I even bought a wheel for my Xbox. I have also been going to the pool. More so to work on my tan than to swim. I looked at myself compared to some, and I am kind of pale. I would do more swimming, but I am embarrassed with my lack of swimming skills. I start swimming lessons on Wednesday evening though. I have asked a few times and they kept saying come back on this day and ask. We don't have an instructor. Well, I asked yesterday, and they had two new lifeguards that were there, and they said, we offer classes from 0500 to 0700 Monday through Friday, and also on Wednesdays. Well, because I have to do PT, I can't do the Monday through Fridays. I have been doing some traveling off base. I have eaten at a couple of REALLY outstanding restaurants. Been to the airport enough that I know what restaurants are there, and where to shop. Oh yeah, and I am still counting the days down. 57 days.

Well, it's Monday, 16 June. Unfortunately, yesterday was the first father's day since 2000 that I did not have kids around me. It was kind of a weird feeling. I mean, Father's Day, let's just take a moment and look at that. It's a day where your kids are supposed to be around, and time for you to spend a little extra time with them. They may make you breakfast, or it may be simple as just a few more minutes. I called my to be ex, and spoke to all 3 of my boys, but really took the time to talk to Wesley. Yesterday was also his 6th birthday. It seems weird to me to think that I have a 7 year old and a 6 year old, not to mention a 4 year old. It's funny, over the past year, I have really started to realize how much they, and everyone means to me. I mean, I am not the best at emailing, or calling, but when I talk to those who mean a lot to me, I make sure that I try to tell them how much they mean to me. Everytime I speak to my dad, my mom, my boys, some of my friends, I express to them that I do love them. I mean, it may sound morbid to some, but if something should happen to me, will they know? I know I did not do everything right, but will they know what they meant to me? Maybe I should write one of THE "letters". I don't know. It seems to me like asking for it, but part of me wants those who matter the most to know some things. Nothing that I would confess to make my soul get into heaven, but just some stuff that I do not talk about. Maybe I am just getting old and sentimental. Maybe it is the fact that the last month has been kind of a turning point in my life. Maybe I just need to keep driving on and realize that I am not going to let her yank me around anymore. Maybe, maybe I just don't know anything anymore.

It's funny how much music has touched on my life so much in the past month. I have always felt like Country Music described my life, but lately, it's dead on. I mean one song in particular this morning did it for me. Granted, it's a song that would apply to both sides of my relationship with my Spousal Unit (SU) of late. The SU wants to move on in life without me to try and find happiness. She said she doesn't want to be married to me anymore. I am coming to grips with this, but when I heard the song on my Home Entertainment System (the laptop, with my MP3s, plugged into my DVD player which has surround sound) coming through so clear, I realized it wasn't just me the Clay Walker was singing about. Then What, by Clay Walker Well I got a good friend who's got a good life He's got two pretty children and a real nice wife But he never seems quite satisfied I said I know what's on your mind But you better think about it before you cross that line The grass ain't always greener on the other side Then what, what you gonna do When the new wears off and the old shines through And it ain't really love and it ain't really lust You ain't anybody anyone's gonna trust Then what, where you gonna turn When you cant turn back for the bridges you burn And fate can't wait to kick you in the butt Then what Well I ain't saying that looking's a crime Well I've done my share from time to time It don't mean that you gotta take that leap When you're standin' on the brink Before you jump you gotta step back and think There's price for ever promise you don't keep Then what, what you gonna do When the new wears off and the old shines through And it ain't really love and it aint really lust You ain't anybody anybody is gonna trust Then what, where you gonna turn When you cant turn back for the bridges you burn And fate can't wait to kick you in the butt Then what Do want you want, do want you wish It's your life but remember this There's bound to be some consequences Sneaking under other fences Then what, what you gonna do When the new wears off and the old shines through And it ain't really love and it aint really lust You ain't anybody anybody's gonna trust Then what, where you gonna turn When you cant turn back for the bridges you burn And fate can't wait to kick you in the butt Then what Now granted, this song can apply to a whole bunch of people's lives, but I think it is really applicable to hers right now. I mean, The grass is not always greener. Especially when you are changing games mid-season.