Just Me's blog: "Life in Texas"

Have an overnight test on Thursday at Lackland AFB, should be cleared to depart the states within a week or so afterwards.  Then once I finish up some training, I'll be "Leaving, on a Jet Plane". 

Been busy on my end.  Really busy.

Well, my first day back at work, and what do you know?  It's a short day?

I went in, checked in with everyone, let them know I was alive and back.  Spoke with my Battalion XO, and what do ya know?  I could be gone in under 30 days.  Heading to have fun in the sun and mountains As Soon As I can get everything done to get on a bird.  Granted, I have a lot to get done to get there, but I am working my butt off, and going to get it accomplished in a quick military manner.  I am ready to get there. 

It's kind of boring here without my buddies.  They left the week I left for Georgia, and I need to be with them.  I am out of place here.  Besides, no point in me trying to find my Juliet when I am getting on a bird for who knows how long?

Oh yeah, and my cell phone is about to DIE!  Die hard!  So I ordered a new one, and what is the point of paying for 2 day business when it is going to take 6 business days to get here?

I just don't understand life sometimes. I mean one day life is good, the next day I want to explode. Some days I want to do nothing but go home and get a beer, others I want to do anything but go home. There are those days where I love what I am doing, and others where I don't know why I do what I do. There are days where I love the Army, and days where I blame the Army for everything rotten that has happened to me over the past almost 10 years. Now don't get me wrong, I love life. I love what I do in the Army. I just don't understand anymore how I am supposed to have a normal life. I have no say in my life anymore. How am I supposed to have a normal life in the Army? Let me explain where I am coming from on this a bit. Let's take two weekends ago for an example. I was supposed to have Friday, Saturday, Sunday and Monday off. I put in my mileage pass to go to my dad's house for the weekend. I was getting up and around, the phone rang. I had to go into work for a meeting on Friday morning. I stated: I am on pass. They told me they could revoke my pass. So I went in, and it was basically me and two other NCOs, and it was a 2 hour bitch session. Then there is this past week. I am in a class. Hazardous Materials Certifiers course. Basically learn to fill out the paperwork to ship HAZMAT. My duties are for me to go to class, and pass the class. Nothing more. I don't do PT. I show up for formation, and that is it. I go to class, go home, study and then go back the next day. I got a phone call, which I could not accept and called back. I had to go into work after class. No big deal, except for me to get what they wanted, I needed someone who was in the field to come out and get the paperwork for me to get what they wanted (A list of parts on hand, what we have used, and what the Battalion needs as spares for the new equipment.) Well, the person in the field couldn't come out because the leadership would not approve his movement request, so over the course of about 15 phone calls, I dug out what was needed, but didn't get home until almost 7 PM. Oh yeah, and I got my butt chewed for being at work after 5:00 PM when a high ranking Command Sergeant Major who outranks my CSM came through and saw the lights on. Then there is something that I have come to realize over the last few days. I have no real life. Yeah, I have some acquaintances, and I have a few people I talk to, but I have no one to really talk to. I don't have any real friends. I got close to a couple, but hell they have already moved. I have some stuff I need to talk to someone about, but there never seems to be anyone around that I trust. For the first time in Texas, I am feeling alone. I am feeling like I have no one to turn to. Yeah there are the guys at work, but I can't turn to them because of an antiquated rank system. I can't turn to those who outrank me, and the only people in my company with the same rank as me I wouldn't trust with a phone number let alone the stuff I need to talk to someone about. It just seems like everything is adding up on me. I miss my kids. I miss my friends. I miss having someone there who I can talk to. I actually miss being in Kuwait because with few exceptions, there was always someone there. The divorce is adding to it. I just don't know much anymore. Oh and to add to it, my mom won't answer my phone calls. I am feeling old, cold, and isolated. I just don't understand things anymore. If I was deployed, it would be easy to understand things. I can blow most of it off to being deployed. I could blow it off to being in the desert, I could say it will be better when I get back. I could feel like what I was doing had meaning. Here, I feel like my life has no meaning. I feel like I am occupying space, marking time. Maybe I just need to get a good night's sleep. Maybe I just need to get drunk. Maybe I need to get away from everything for a weekend, get drunk, get loud, and just shut the entire fricking world out. See if I can find myself. Maybe I need to go and buy a gun, go find a place to kill some beer cans. I just don't know anything anymore. Maybe I need to find someone to fill the cold and lonely nights where the walls seem to be closing in on me. Maybe I just need someone I can talk to. Really talk to without any reservations.

Dang life is confuzzing and difficult. I have worked my butt off trying to get my profile changed so I can deploy. I have a non-deployable medical profile, and most people would kill to get one. I am willing to kill to get it lifted. I finally got a letter stating I was deployable. I was happy. I was going to be leaving with my Soldiers this summer. Now the deployment got moved up, and I will have too little time stateside to deploy. That is actually killing me. The thought of my Soldiers going without me. I am the one training them. I am the one responsible for them. They are MY Soldiers. They cannot leave without me. As for what have I been up to? The field. Been in the field lots. Recovering, prepping to go back, going back, recovering, prepping to go back, and now this is the fun one. I am going to the field for a week, coming out for a weekend, and going back for another week. Tell me that is not stupid. Oh yeah, and we have to jump sites twice so we can be considered "Mission Ready". I lost some of my Soldiers on Friday. Actually a lot of them. I lost 9 of my Soldiers when my shop was deconsolidated and they were sent back to their units. Everything is being aligned so we can deploy, but without me. I am not the only one being affected by this dwell time policy, but I am the only one being vocal about it. I have talked to the Sergeant Major, the Battalion XO, and the Battalion Commander already. They just don't want to "fall on the sword" for this issue. I don't understand how if a Soldier is qualified, well qualified, and willing to waive his dwell time, why not let the Soldier go? Just one of those things. I have relearned that I enjoy playing pool, even though I suck. I have relearned that bowling is fun, but again, I suck. I have relearned that I hate shooting my M4 rifle with Body Armor on. Well, I am off to bed, gotta try to recover from another wild weekend of having too much week and not enough weekend. Maybe I'll find more time to be on soon. I hope.

CIVILIAN FRIENDS: Tell you not to do something stupid when drunk Military FRIENDS: Will post 360 security so you dont get caught CIVILIAN FRIENDS: Call your parents Mr. and Mrs Military FRIENDS: Call your parents Drunk as hell and tell them about the fat chick you tried to pick up CIVILIAN FRIENDS: Bail you out of jail and tell you what you did was wrong. Military FRIENDS: Will be sitting next to you saying, Damn...we fucked up...but hey, that shit was fun as fuck!" CIVILIAN FRIENDS: Cry with you. Military FRIENDS: laugh at you and tell you to put some vagasil on your pussy. CIVILIAN FRIENDS: Borrow your stuff for a few days then give it back. Military FRIENDS: Keep your stuff untill they PCS. CIVILIAN FRIENDS: know a few things about you. Military FRIENDS: Could write a book with direct quotes from you. CIVILIAN FRIENDS: Will leave you behind if that's what the crowd is doing. Military FRIENDS: Will kick the whole crowds ass that left you. CIVILIAN FRIENDS: Would knock on your door. Military FRIENDS: Walk right in and say, "I'm home!" CIVILIAN FRIENDS: Will take your drink away when they think you've had enough. Military FRIENDS: Will look at you stumbling all over the place and say, "Bitch, you better drink the rest of that shit, you know we don't waste.. That's alcohol abuse!!!" CIVILIAN FRIENDS: Will say "I can't handle Tequila anymore". Military FRIENDS: Will say "okay just one more" 2 minutes later "okay just one more". CIVILIAN FRIENDS: Will talk shit to the person who talks shit about you. Military FRIENDS: Will knock them the fuck out!! CIVILIAN FRIENDS: Will tell you "They'd take a bullet for you. Military FRIENDS: Will actually take a bullet for you. CIVILIAN FRIENDS: Will ignore this Military FRIENDS: Will repost this

It's the 26th of January already. I have been staying busy, almost too busy. In the past 5 weeks, I have either been getting ready for the field, in the field, recovering from the field, or getting ready for the field again. I am also getting ready to take over my hand receipt of supplies and equipment assigned to my shop (about 45 million dollars worth), and have had my hands full with a couple of my Soldiers. I now regret all of the hard times I gave my NCOs as I was coming up in the Army. Now does this mean I am all work and no play? HELL NO! It just means I haven't had as much play as I was accustomed to, but it does also mean that I have less time till I am leaving this lovely place for some fun in Georgia, and then some more time on the beach (the one without water). My Ex-Spousal Unit To Be and I had agreed to do a family vacation together, but that has been shot to hell and back. We were going to do a Disney Vacation with the boys. Well, she is planning on going the day I have to be in Georgia for the start of 2 months of Advanced Leadership Course. Gotta love the ESUTB. The divorce should be rolling forward a whole lot faster soon. Just waiting on the taxes. Now if we can't agree to get it going together, I'll take the initiative and do it all myself. Part of me is so danged ready, and part of me continues to want to hold on even with no hope. Well, I'm heading off to take a shower, and go relearn how to provide first aid. I love Combat LifeSaver class. Where else do they give me the tools to fight a hangover? Yeah, I learn to give IVs, and all of that good stuff.

Well, it's time for the year end blog. You know, the reflection one. So here it is. 2008 in the rearview mirror. Things I learned in 2008: 140 is really HOT! Sand sucks! The breaststroke, freestyle, backstroke, and the sidestroke. 21 miles of swimming is not that easy to do. Women suck! Good friends can come out of the strangest places. Best friends can be people you don't know for that long. A SSG does not live in the barracks at Fort Hood. 12 months seems to be a lot shorter than it used to be (I do have a theory on that.) There's nothing like walking out of customs to kids running to give you a hug yelling DADDY! Home is where you make and what you make it. Beer is a great invention. I can be secure without a gun leaning next to me, and without asking permission of 3 different officers on the same form. A 3 bedroom duplex is a nice place to have to call home, especially when you live alone. You can actually put a vehicle in a one car garage. Sometimes what you see as a low point can be blessing. Divorce sucks, but sometimes is worth it. The internet is a great friend and an evil invention. Attitude is everything. A smile can do wonders when attitude is not right. Some friends ain't worth the effort (read not really friends.) Some friends online are more trouble and stress IRL than they are worth. Some friends online are really your best friend IRL. (thanks for everything this year Babz!) The place you have been avoiding for 8 years may not be that bad. Being closer to home does not mean you make it more often, it just means that if the stars align properly and the bank account stays positive you have the potential. Just because you can have your guns with you does not mean you can afford to shoot them. Getting the tires rotated does a lot for the ride of my truck. Just because she says she doesn't mind if you do it, doesn't mean she won't give you hell later. (thanks to the ESUTB). If the ESUTB calls, the day just got worse. Leaving for another woman does not make it easier, it actually makes it a littler harder. Communicators suck at communicating. 35 is COLD. Seeing the kids means a lot, even if we just watch a movie together. Seeing my kids open Christmas Presents does a lot for me. Getting a hug from my kids makes the flight worth it. (Even the really long one from the Mideast back to the states.) Unplugging the computer and turning the phone off can do wonders for one's outlook on the world. The internet is a great place to kill time. The internet sucks. The internet rocks. I've grown a lot, especially since May. There is more. More I have learned, but some of that is kind of personal. FYI, ESUTB is Ex Spousal Unit To Be.

Well, here it is, 27 November and I am sitting here watching Jeff Dunham's Very Merry Christmas Special. I am sitting there letting my belly settle, and am thinking of popping open a can of beer or maybe pouring a glass of Wild Turkey. I had a good Thanksgiving Day. But that is not why I am here typing at 8:45 at night. I am trying to let a few of the people who care know what is going on with me, not to me, but with me. I have been good. I get a little frazzled at work due to so much going on at once, and my knowing so little. Luckily, I have a great group of Soldiers working for me. (I keep trying to say guys, but I am the Equal Opportunity Leader.) I do have a couple of problem children, but am working on them and think one for sure is coming around. I am enjoying life here. I even went out with some friends last weekend and had a fricking BLAST! Had a friend call me up, and ask if I wanted to come over for a couple of drinks and maybe go out. I tried to get out of it, and even used the excuse I got no money and all of that, but was overruled and went. Went to Gaylynn's apartment and met her fiance, although if all goes well, they will be engaged this week. Haven't heard yet, but he was supposed to buy her a ring, told her he couldn't find one, even though he bought one, A REALLY NICE FRICKING BIG RING! Anyways, he's on R and R, a good guy, and we went out to Wild Country. I really needed the fun I had. I had been working 2 weeks straight, 12 to 15 hour days, and was at my wit's end. I was driving home, taking the uniform off and crawling into bed. At the bar/club/dance hall, I didn't dance a whole lot, but what I did, felt good to be back into what I used to enjoy doing a LONG time ago. I did ride the mechanical bull a couple of times, and still got a big black bruise on my thigh. Never seen a mechanical bull with that sharp of an edge. I spent Sunday recovering and grilled some hamburgers for Gaylynn and David before they left for Austin to get closer to the airport. I cooked up some sloppy joe burgers, and well just enjoyed a chance to relax, kick back, and work to rehydrate myself with some friends. It was exactly what I needed. Now if I can make it through our Field Exercise without freezing my butt off, and without losing too much more weight. Nothing like field rations and MREs to make a person lose weight. Dinner tonight was OUTSTANDING!

Well, it's been almost a week since I signed into the replacement detachment, and been over a week since I moved into my place. I met a young Soldier who is a single parent, and engaged to a guy in Okinawa. She was having a pretty rough go of it when she first got here, and being the high speed wannabe that I am, and a guy with a big heart for kids, I extended a helping hand. She had her debit card stolen on her way here, and she was without much. I helped her get an account on base, let her use my address to have a new debit card Fedexed from the same bank I use, and also invited her over for dinner. I cooked some ham steak that my mom had sent me, some french fries, and she ate like she had not eaten in a week. She also seemed like she just needed someone to listen to her. We have NOTHING in common but being in replacement at the same time, but I am me, and that ain't changing. The bills are going to kill me. If they don't hurry up and get my pay straight, I am SCREWED!!! I already had to put off part of my child support because of money being so tight when I had to put down all of the deposits. If it wasn't for the food my mom had sent me, I would probably be living on bread and water. Luckily I got plenty of pork chops, ham steaks, bacon, and even some hamburger meat and fish to live on. I haven't cooked the fish or ribs yet, but may invite some people over this weekend after I am getting into my unit. Being stateside, and having my cell phone, and of course the home phone (which will be turned off once my cable is hooked up, and let's not even talk about the screw ups that went with me trying to get Dish network service) has done wonders with my ability to talk to my family. Granted, sometimes I am actually trying to do something but it is nice to be able to be where I can be gotten a hold of. Granted leaving my cellphone in the truck last night was kind of nice too. I am slowly letting Texas grow on me. Although, I am an Okie, I did celebrate when one of the most overrated teams in college football (Ohio State, USC, and LSU being some others) beat another one of the most overrated teams the other day. OU LOST TO TEXAS! Granted, I couldn't watch the game, and had to keep hitting refresh on fox sports.com. Then had to do the same to keep up with the Oklahoma State vs Missouri game. Wish I could have watched it. My Cowboys are in the TOP TEN! GO POKES! The Big 12 has 4 teams in the top 10, six in the top 25. Just goes to back up what I have been saying, the Big Twelve is a helluva conference. Oh yeah, and all of my crap from Kuwait should be here on Wednesday. I get all of the military crap, my desktop, and more clothes. Oh yeah, and the part I am missing a lot, my stereo system. My laptop speakers just don't cut it. I picked up a desk and a dresser the other day, CHEAP! Well, the desk was $30 and the dresser was free because it was missing a drawer. It is an old fashioned chest of drawers, and each drawer is different sized so they only fit in it just right....still have yet to figure it out the right way. I'm off to bed. 4 AM comes awful danged early.

Well, I'm in Texas. Got here on the 28th. Signed in, took my free "time-off" to find a place to live and to go get furniture from my house in Arkansas. I found a 3 bedroom, 2 bathroom duplex with a garage. It's about 1300 square foot, in a quiet new subdivision. The house is only a couple of years old, and well, it's safe. I looked at a bunch of places before deciding on this one, and even continued to look before deciding, and some of them closer to base scared me. Then I signed into the replacement detachment for some inprocessing. That is nothing new. Same old same old. I am SO danged glad I do not have to live in the barracks. They are having formations at 10 PM everyday, and on the weekend 10 AM. The weekend formations include this weekend which is a 4 day weekend. I went by my unit on Thursday to say hi and let them know I'll be there probably Tuesday because I'm a Senior (E-5 and above is considered senior NCOs, and E-6s are almost treated GREAT!) and Seniors only inprocess the replacement detachment for 3 days, Juniors do it for 4. I walked into the personnel section, and was greated warmly by a fellow NCO. Then another NCO looked up and her face lit up. I looked at her face, and her nametape, and thought that the face did not match her name. She told me what her name was supposed to have been, she and I were in the same unit in Okinawa. Then she told me who she married, and he was in my unit then too. I went over to their house last night and watched a couple of movies, and am liking this place more and more. I am slowing working on getting furniture and stuff I need. I'm hitting garage sales today and tomorrow. I need more pots and pans, a microwave, and a few other things. I just can't bring myself to pay some of the outrageous prices they want for some new stuff around here. I've met a few people, and am constantly on the lookout for some friends.