Just Me's blog: "Thoughts"

Today, my supervisor said that I had to go to a Memorial Service because we need to be prepared in case we have to give one. Well, First Sergeant put out that all Staff Sergeant and above have to go. Well, I begrudgingly went. Not that I did not want to pay my respect, but I know what happens. Well, out of the 30 something people in Rear Detachment who should have been there, there was two of us. The other is a guy that I'm pretty close to, and we always laugh and joke together. The memorial service was over in 1st Cavalry Division, and I was thinking he was killed in Iraq. I did not know the Soldier. I'm holding up pretty good, and the mention that PFC Gambles died in the barracks of a undetermined cause in his sleep. That was a wake up right there. 25 years old, and he died in his sleep. Now I just turned 31, and haven't done much with my life, but to know that it can end that easily. Then they got to the final part of the service. We bowed our heads in prayer again. Amen. Had a moment of silence. Then, his First Sergeant came walking out. He started calling out names, and each time it was "Here First Sergeant" in reply. Then the First Sergeant Called out: PFC Gambles. Nothing. (Tears started forming in my eyes) PFC Jacob Gambles. Nothing. (Tears started flowing) PFC Jacob Paul Gambles. Nothing. (I had tears STREAMING) Then, you could hear the firing party outside. The first volley. The second volley. The third volley. Then the sorrowful beautiful sound of a bugler playing Taps. (I am almost sobbing) We wait our turn to pay our respect since we are in the last set of pews in the chapel. I have managed to dry my eyes, and so has my buddy. We are both just sitting there in silence. Finally the ushers get to our pews. He asks if we are going, and all I could say was: We have to. That is our brother. He nodded, and solemnly we made our way to the front of the chapel. Towards the picture on a stand next to the boots. The rifle turned muzzle down, ID tags hanging from the pistol grip, and Helmet resting on the buttstock. We come to the position of attention, render a salute, and I had to force myself to drop the salute after several seconds as tears were streaming down my face. I dropped my salute, and we executed a right face and marched off, our boots making a hollow thud as we marched in silent cadence. We gathered our headgear, headed towards the parking lot, and someone stopped us, and asked us to come with them. We followed this Sergeant First Class, and there was the grandparents of PFC Gambles. They asked if we knew Jacob, and I replied "No Ma'am, I did not know him personally". They asked why we came, and I had to hold tears back as I said: Ma'am, I may not have known him, but it is the least that I can do for someone who is so willing to place their life on the line for my sons. His grandmother hugged us both, and we walked out as I started sobbing. I stopped at a bench, and my buddy did too. He had to try and regain his composure too, because his face was as wet and he was crying as hard if not harder than me. If you ever want to know why I continue to serve in the Army, it's not for glory, not for fame, definitely not for fortune. It's not because I get to play with guns, but because we are a family. We come from different backgrounds, different cities, states, and even countries, but when it comes down to it, I know they have my back. I know they will look my mom, my dad, and my kids in the eyes and tell them that they were proud to be my brother or my sister. I am proud of everyone of my brothers and sisters.

Well, here I am, almost my birthday, and I'm doing thinking. A LOT OF IT! Unfortunately, finances suck, so I can't get a couple of beers and try to get my mind off of it. Things I'm thinking about (in no particular order.) Why did they have to improperly slot me at work so that my replacement shows up when we are so close to deployment, and here I am without a job? Why does what I want seem like it is so far away, but yet so close at times? Why does that email you send when you been drinking seem like it was so right the next morning, but still feel so wrong? Does anyone read this thing? Why is it someone can come into your life, and be gone before you realize it was the best thing? Why can't I get used to being alone every night? Why do I say I need someone in my life, but then push them away when they do? (STUPIDITY!) Why can't I remember how to make cows crap crude oil, I know I found that answer! Is all of this work for a couple of dollars which never stretch far enough worth it? Why didn't I go home when I had the chance (more often)? If something happens to me, how will all of my friends in real life and here know? If something happens, will my boys know what they mean to me? Maybe it's just the stress of not getting any closer to being ready for deployment, or the usual predeployment thinking. Maybe it's this having been alone every night for the past too many months. Maybe it's just stupidity, maybe it's just anxiety. Maybe I am evaluating my self-worth again. Maybe it's the fact that the new boss in my shop threw me for a loop today. It could be a million things, but it could be nothing. Maybe it was me redoing my will on Tuesday. It could be as simple a fix as just a good night of drinking, or it could be as complex as actually coming face to face with my mortality. Or maybe it is the fact that it has been 7 years since a good friend of mine was killed. I know, they say in the Army it's not if you lose a friend, but when. It could be the fact that one of the Soldiers that could be working for me in a few weeks if I change companies like I think I will be, got pretty seriously injury, and the Doctor said that he broke his leg in three places, and about 4 inches was POWDER! Oh yeah, and I passed by the accident, and debated on stopping to render aid. I didn't stop. (I had been taught that since I am in the Army and we receive more than most people, we are supposed to stop.) I have stopped at worse looking accidents. I have stopped at nothing looking accidents. I'm just thinking too much. Just needed to put some stuff out there. And for those who don't know, I am deploying soon or soon after I return from a Professional School that starts in April. Nope, the Iraq troop withdrawal does not affect me.

Today I'm clearing the air. Today I am done hiding. Today, I have to put it out there for the world to see. Nine years ago today, I said my vows to the ESUTB. 10 months ago she said "Jared, I don't want to be married to you anymore, and oh...this should help. You will be the last man I'll ever be with." Yeah. Now, why would this matter to the average Joe who is reading this? Well, because if ya give me a call, or if you come by the house, or if you shoot me a message and it is kind of hard to understand, I am drinking myself into oblivion. Work tomorrow be damned. If I oversleep, I'll take the ass chewing and drive on. If I don't, ALRIGHT! Now, I'm not feeling down for myself, today I am celebrating! I am celebrating my freedom. I am celebrating living in a land where I can drink, I can make choices, I can live my life for me. I am celebrating being free from oppression (the ESUTB, no references to the nation's leadership now or the past). I am also mourning the fact that once again, my kids are not here, but hey. I'll be there to see them as soon as possible. If ya get a chance, take a shot for me, and show me the lust.

I was sitting here catching up on some rates, and just drinking some beer. It's been a decent weekend. I did some woodworking, and was generally have a relaxing time. I was also listening to some music I had downloaded (legally). I had downloaded some music from Luke Bryan (I like his songs We Rode In Trucks, and All My Friends Say.) There's a song I had not heard, and it just hit me right. See when I was home last time, I stopped by and saw Grandma Wila Mae, my step-mom's mom. She told me how one of Grandad's prized possessions was a picture of me holding a fish. It was the first time he took me fishing at the Konawa Power Plant. I was the only one who caught a fish, a 3 and half pound bass. He loved to tell this story, and his favorite part was about the ride home. I was "awfully" quiet, and he asked how I liked the trip. He always had to stop and laugh, but his face would light up and tell about how my face lit up and said: I like it a lot, since I was the only one who caught anything. Grandad was never my step grandpa. He was my grandad. He always had time for me, and he always listened. He died when I was in Warrior's Leadership Course in July 2007, and I still have yet to visit his grave. I can't bring myself to do it. I have lost so much due to my career, and I am still kicking myself for not being there to say my final goodbyes. The song is "Tackle Box" by Luke Bryan. It is not that great of a song, but it just hits home because he would always take me fishing. I had to get up and walk away to let me regain my composure. I cried when I saw Grandma Wila Mae, but she told me that he understood why I wasn't there. I just can't forgive myself. I've lost too many people. I wasn't there for too much.

Let's see....I started the new year off with a heckuva good time. I spent it at Wild Country, and had a GREAT time. It's amazing how nothing more than hanging out with your friends, doing a bit of drinking, and good music can start the year off right. I have decided, that I only have a couple of goals for the year, not that I need anymore or anything like that. #1. Be a better friend. I have some awesome friends, in real life and online. I suck as a friend. I forget birthdays, get names confuzzed, and don't call/text/email as I should. #2. Deploy. I am going to do it right this time. I am going over, I am going to do the job, and I am going to take care of my Soldiers. I am also going to stay in contact with those who mean a lot to me better. #3. Be a better dad. I have really sucked at being a dad. I don't call as often as I should, I don't write as often as I should, and I frankly have not been there a whole bunch. (That last one is not my fault.) #4. Get in better shape and take care of myself. I need to start eating healthier, quit smoking, work out more, and just try to live a bit more right. I am not giving up steak or beer. #5. Go see friends and family more often. #6. Do things for me more. I do quite a bit for others, I mean I am pulling a 24 hour duty for one of my Soldiers, but I need to be doing more for me. I spend a lot of time worrying if others are taken care, but I have to make sure I have the time for me that I deserve. I might go out more, might go find a good range, or maybe I will eventually get all of the stupid paperwork in that Troy University wants so I can get started in college again. I need to relearn my hobbies, get my Concealed Carry Permit, and just be me. I have to find the time to turn the SSG off, and turn Jared loose. (During leave, I spoke to my first sergeant EVERYDAY!) #7. Grow. #8. Just be happy being happy with what I have. I am a pretty laid back guy, so why can't I be happier with the stuff that I already have? #8 Quit hating on the tree hugging, leftist, radical, liberals so much. Even though their thoughts are way off base and nowhere near right, I have to realize they are people too. For those who have been there for me, and seen my changes, thank you for the support. For those who wanted to be there, but weren't....thank you (see I am embracing a few democratic ideas.) For those who are there, have been there, and will continue to be there, I can never thank you enough. For the one who doesn't mind some of my phone calls when I am convinced my life is over, but she listens anyways and never says "I TOLD YOU SO!" (more than once). She is the unsung hero of the past year. She is the one who stood beside me, occasionally got behind me, but only long enough to hold me up to let me get my feet under me. She always knew how to help me out, and when I really needed her. Never figured that one out, but I can never even begin to repay her the debt of honor I have for her. Thank you Babz. To all of my friends, my cohorts, my acquaintances, my to be made acquaintances, HERE IS TO AN AWESOME 2009!!!!

Well, here I am, in an extremely bittersweet position. I am in Maryland freezing my ass off. Yes it was cold in Texas, but it is fricking frigid here in the DPRM. Merry Christmas ya'll. My kids have grown too danged much.

Just sitting here hanging out, listening to some music, and it dawned on me. I have one more Monday left in theater. One more Monday. I have 8 days and I get on that blessing, that sweet bird of freedom. After a year, I have done a lot, seen a lot, and been through a bit. I have learned a lot as well. One of these days I'm going to reflect back and summarize the past year. For now, just know I have enjoyed it, am enjoying it, am looking forward to getting back stateside, but at the same time, am going to miss being here. I am going to miss the desert. Not the sandstorms, lack of beer, or being on Camp Arifjail, but I have made some outstanding friends and had some fun. Now, I'm back to sorting out stuff to be packed, carried, or mailed.

Well, HOLY HELL!!!!! HOLY BATCRAP BATMAN!!!!! Now what can have me saying that at 5:11 AM? Just a couple of things. Really quick things even. 1. Things at work came to a screeching halt yesterday. I spent the day screwing off. I went to my supervisor, the new one who was the acting Sergeant Major for the 3 shop, and is now on the list to be promoted, well.....he told me that he pretty much just expects me to show my face a couple times a day, and other than that, I'm on mission. 2. They come pick up my stuff on the 4th. WOOHOO!! I mailed a trunk to my dad's house yesterday. It's mainly my winter clothes and stuff. I just don't know how cold it's going to be to me. Coming from 100+ heat to I only know what kind of worries me. 3. I was issued all of this gear here. A closet full of it. I went and inquired as to what I had to turn in before I leave. Well those not nice people changed the policy. I turn in my body armor. That's it. The two rucksacks, the two duffel bags, and all the other crap that fills them, well, I get the great pleasure of having to haul that with me. Luckily it will count as professional goods and not count against my 500 lbs of Unaccompanied Baggage. 4. On the 9th, I clear my room. Housing comes by, does a walk through, and makes sure my room is clean. The guy yesterday who did my pre-inspection was like, you don't have much to do. I guess me getting anal about all the dust has paid off, I hope. 5. And the biggest thing. The absolutely biggest thing to make me sit back and say what is happening? 19 DAYS!!!!!!!!!!!! Where in the world has the time gone to?

As of midnight tonight, in 1 hour 12 minutes, I think there is something you all should know. Something REALLY REALLY important. 66 DAYS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 66 Days and I'll be on that sweet bird of freedom. I have been informed of a way to get a civilian flight out of here on my DEROS. Gotta love Chaplains. They have all the good information. So in approximately 67 days, I'll see my wonderful loving exciting excitable kids. I'll see my dog. I'll see my kids. And sometime while I am on leave, I'm having lunch with my best friend, and major source of support. Yeah, I'm driving to PA and having lunch, and hopefully an ice cream this time. Oh yeah, and in 67 days, (unless I can swing it on the flight and not break some law that is very vague and only applies when it is convenient for the higher ups because for some reason Qatar and Bahrain are still "deployed" but they can drink) BEER! Oh yeah, and Happy Independence Day Everyone!