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Forever Lost's blog: "just read it"

created on 12/15/2008  |  http://fubar.com/just-read-it/b265830

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the breakup well things have not been going well for a little while now..

 

I went to talk to him and it was a big fight I felt things did not add up, and went to call him out on it, we both got angry and I said fuck it bring me my key.. He was mad and said fine that's what you want and hung up on me.. I should have worded my words so different, but these feelings have been building up inside me.. All I  did was make him mad and push him away to the point of no return..

 

I still have my doubt, now even more so, if he really cared and if there really is no one else, he would have talked to me about it and I don't think he would have been so mad in doing so.

 

He feels like I am acting like his ex nagging and saying he is doing something he is not.. I did not mean to come across like that, all I really wanted is him to make me feel like what I am feeling is not what the case really is.. I know in my heart had he been that upset and felt the way I do my love for him would make me show him I care and would want to make things right. I feel if he really cared he would have done the same. He sat there and told me there is so much going on in his life right now and he is very stressed out, he did say he is not talking to anyone else and he does want to see me but there is so much going on right now its hard..

 

I really felt like it was more then that, I was not trying to make it into something its not, and push him away and make things worse.  Yet that's what I did.. Now I feel so sick you have no idea, I know he will not talk to me and I have to move on, after all this is what I asked for when I went off and had him bring my key..

 

Truth of it all I love him, but in the end I still have doubt he loves me to.  The stupid things is I hope he calls and we can talk, I would love to work everything out. To be honest I don't see that happening I feel it within he is not going to speak to me and more then fine with it..

 

So I wonder if I did the right thing, and I feel so much pain..

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things are so twisted right now, I have to say honest I feel like if I don't talk to him if I let him come to me he wants to talk, well more then he has been.. Also when he knows something is wrong he wants to talk to find out whats wrong but once he knows and talks to me about it he is busy again.. By the way talking has more so been texting talking, like right now he is texting me because I told him I am listening to music and writing blogs he said why whats wrong I said I just need to write right now he said I know its about me, I was like more so about how I feel again he asks whats wrong and said again I know its about me or us because you always do write about it.. I said things just dont seem the same when ever we talk I feel like I am bothering you *mind you this is through texts* so far he has not responded to that one, witch makes me think I am just bothering him, he has not told me I am not so with what ever he is going on that's stressing him out I am some of that stress that's how I feel, but like I was saying before he texted me and I got even more lost, if I don't talk to him he wants to know whats up where I am how I am and all that again with texts... I feel like we are falling apart I am about to just fucking cry why do you hurt the one you say you love whats the point to hurt someone you love (there goes his text wonder what he said this time I am will to guess before I look I have been real busy my car is fucked up and I am having a hard time) now let me look and see if I am right or how close I am..*** he said sorry (shocked) said everything is going wrong right now and he hates his life (I am a part of his life so that bothers me) he said he is just stressed out (he has been saying this) and he is stressed about money things he cant do anything because he never has the money to all he does is pay bills and fix his car...

 

Notice he did not say its not you tho? Notice he did not say I don't want you to feel that way?

 

So tell me who ever reads this

 

Does he just need time or am I right there is more behind it

 I have this man in my life for the most part he seems great, but as time goes by he seems so busy.. He works a lot and is a very hard worker, when he is off work he has something to do all the time yard work things for his moms house his house his CAR always a friends car something always.. He use to make more time for me and now I feel like he will see me when he has time, I feel like he is no longer making time for me, its like fuck it I am going to do this that and the other and when I feel like it I will call text or come over.. I don't want to push him to be here if he don't want to be here I don't want to push him to talk to me if he don't... I wish he would just break up with me if he don't want to be with me... I am more then lost when it comes to mine and his relationship its like I really don't have a clue, does he want to be with me is he really just that busy and stressed out because he is that busy does he miss me at all?? Do some people (men&woman) have a harder time showing those fee?lings letting someone they care for know how much they care and miss them when they are not spending time with one another or is that just a red flag a sign they really dont want to be with you but dont want to break it off either? I really don't know.. Should I give him the benefit of doubt because I know what all he is going though and be more understandable and let him work out all these kinks he has been going though and then see if he starts to be the man I have fallin in love with or do I get a clue and break it off before I have deeper feelings and get hurt even more then the pain I feel in my heart

I don't get life at all, things are never easy are they? I love this man I am with but things are not right at all within our relationship, I don't know if it will ever be again I am very unsure..

 

To top things off a ex of mine that I am close to and will always hold close to my heart said to me I think we should betogether I think I am the one you should marry, I asked how would we even make it work if we wanted to really try.. He said what he would do I was like I see.. So then I am sitting here and not being able to help what comes to mind his words are there..

 

Then I see his stat on here says how he is sick of head games, I was like what is that about? He said he kept getting blown off all week??? I asked by who he said some girl, how the hell is he going to tell me he thinks we should be together and be upset some girl is blown him off..

 

I know I know I have a man why I even care, well *sigh*

I feel like my man and I are having so many issues when my ex said that shit ofcourse its going to make me think about old times this that and the other.. I don't know

 

I am so thankful for music for with out it I don't think I could fight the tears

 

I feel so down right now my eyes water for the smallest things, like everything is getting to me I feel hurt by so much its wow my head even hurts..

 

Anna Nalick sings this song wreck of the day,

listen to it...

I feel her music

 

IM GIVING UP

I don't know what to think about anything any more.. I sit here and just feel like so many things don't make sense.. Why is it when you let yourself open up to another let yourself love someone, it seems like everything changes?  Does all relationships change right before you hit that year mark?  Is feelings of doubt and being unsure about how your partner's feeling.. How do you express your true feelings about everything with out sounding like your nagging at them?  How can you talk to them when you feel as if your bothering them because they are going through some hard times and have been stressed out lately.. Is it normal for your boyfriend/girlfriend to ignore you at times but want to talk to you when you just decide to let it go and not try and talk to them? I don't understand whats going on right now, he seems so different from the man I feel inlove with.. How can I talk to him How can I change the things that are going wrong? How can I know for sure if he wants to make things work or if he don't I am so lost....

This pain that keeps growing inside me is deeper then words I try to cry for help but no one hears me Screaming as loud as my voice allows me Reaching out for the things to say To get you to hear all of my pain As much as I cry as I look your way you just turn away Cant you see I am in pain I feel so alone even with you right here beside me Words have not worked in healing my pains Art is a much more therapeutic way A canvas is that I crave Some dark red paint to show the depth of this pain Thin red lines painted Red teardrop looking images fall from the canvas Feeling better from all this art work I made I cry in silence for you still dont see this pain My body as a canvas My blood for the paint A razor for a brush My tears for me to feel and not for you As I sit in a bath of paint Red tears rolling down my arms My fingers are cold My body is in shakes I begin to feel numb So I dont feel a thing Drifting into a sleep Only to awake in a pool of dark red paint Screaming in mind felt pains A handful of sleep might be a better way With one silent swallow My pain and fears start to go away Just to reawake in all the same pain Is this so bad I cant get away
Ethan I hate you! This is me venting so, you have been warned this is like a hate entry. My sons father is a worthless piece of shit. A mere dickhead, a nothing, a bum, a poor excuse of a man, because he sure the hell is not a man. You think your Mr. Great well your not. Your diluted, you think all you say is real, you lie so much you've lied to yourself. You lost concept of that witch is truth. I just cant understand how you can believe your thoughts, makes me think you need to see a psychologist. Maybe get put on some medication so you can sort your head out. Look you have not been around consistently these past 5 years, about to be 6 in 3 weeks. How can you not see that, how can you honestly feel you've been there? What's wrong with you that you can believe something so far from truth? You think you're the father of the year, your not even a father, you just fathered a child. There is a big difference, big! A father is there no matter what, a father takes care of his child and wants to, a father has love so deep nothing could keep him away. that's not you, when will you see that, maybe if you see it you can change it! You was there for 6 weeks when I was stupid enough to take a job as a stripper so I could pay my bills, and then poof you was gone. (do you have any idea how had it is to find a good baby sitter wtf) 2 or 3 months had gone by, and I had not heard of you. Kris was acting out in school more and more and there you were not. So then bam here is Ethan right before Christmas, like as if you had not skipped a beat. Wow and the father of the year award goes to…. Dream on! Its not you! So because I love MY son I welcomed you in my home and fed you dinner with MY son. I even let you come back the next day and take him with you for a few hours. Then when you bring him home, this is where you really fucked up this is where you burned you bridge to seeing your son through me, you stupid fucking loser your so fucking worthless. You come in my home my where I raise MY son (that you donated sperm to create) and was like when he stayed with me he was doing great in school Misty I don't know what's going on….. WOW HOLD THE FUCK UP RIGHT THERE! Every time I went to get Kris when he was with you the teacher said I don't know what's going on but Kris don't have his homework done often, he has not had under clothes on, his clothes are dirty, (even I got on you about that because I was like dude your making out son look like a scum bucket) you cant even wash his clothes. You are so broke because you can keep a job all you can feed him was roman noodle soup, that's not fucking healthy. So as your sitting in my home and had ate my food that I paid for (not with fucking food stamps asshole my fuckin money) where I pay rent where I pay my bills. When I pay for everything Kris needs clothes his privet school, toys, food, bubble bath, shoes, winter jacket, anything he needed and as much as I could of what he wanted. With out a dime from you! The only time you wanted to help and try and be as right as you can, was when I was single and was like I don't want to be with anyone and you was all about spending time with me and Kris. Wow dude get it through your head never again will be a us! I left you when I was 3 months pregnant, and since then I have not even so much as kissed you, that don't tell you anything? Not to mention how fucked up it is that you used Kris to see if you could have a shot at getting back together! I hate you I thought you knew that, bet you do now! I don't understand how you can think your such a great father? Just because your not welcome to my home to see your son don't mean you cant talk to your own father who takes him next to every weekend so I can work. You don't even call him and see how Kris is and you call him your son, nah get it right you don't have a kid.. If you do its not Kris, poor Kris don't have a dad. But to be honest its better for him to not have a dad then to have a dad like you. I hate you, hate you! I mean it a strong ass word, I feel anger when I think of you a intense anger damn I feel hostile I feel nothing but animosity when it comes to you!!! So id say that's fucking hate, I hate you! Keep on believing your diluted mind the lies that are within yourself go on, ignorance is bliss, that way you can at least think you're a good person and not have to deal with the ramifications of your life, because your so far gone you don't even know how things really are. All you know is what you and only you believe in and think is truth. Your on your own that's why no one likes you on the real everyone talks about you behind your back. Just so you know. At least I can tell you flat out how the fuck I feel about you. I feel that you're a nothing, and always be a nothing. I wish that was not true I wish I could feel and believe different. This is just the facts! You're a fuck up and always will be.
No one knows where the road they are on will end or what turns they might have to take. Driving down this road is not always easy or what you thought it would be. Take one day at a time plan for what it is you really want, be ready for it never to happen. They say what don't kill us can only make us stronger, if that's true I would be strong, here is something most people close to me don't know, I am not strong, I am in fact weak I am in pain I feel the same pain we all hate to admit we go through, I am not all there at times and I indeed and a person of passion, but my passion can only give so much compassion to those who hurt me and stab me in the back. I love each and everyone person I am close to, I hold my friends close to my heart but that might not say much because I wear my heart on my sleeve. I am always the one that paints a smile on my face and says everything is fine, truth be told its all a lie. I am easy to fall and easy to crush so for those of you who hurt me crushed me don't take to much pride in that cuz its just that easy I am trusting and I believe the words people tell me, I give my heart to anyone that makes me believe they care for me, but how much longer can I be this person and says I am fine when all I feel is this unbarring pain. People want to play so many games have we forgot that the people we play feel just as we do or have I had it wrong this whole time and there is some people that feel no shame no pain and will step on anyone and everyone to make themselves feel better? So walk on me and hurt me some more the day will come when I get tired and turn my back to you and to all that have hurt me. What's most sad is there is one person, I have in mind as I am telling you all this and that person will never even read this, not because he just don't care he don't even have this stupid ass myspace bullshit. I guess to just be able to say these things might help make me feel better but in the real the one person I need to say it to I don't even know how to talk to. Oh well right I mean who on here even gives a fuck. Life is what it is and this is just one of them turns I never meant to take and now that I have I need to find my way back. This time no words are going to help me, I have been through so damn much these past few years that I unfolded these past few months. I have took these turns that I cant hid from my scars show me that everyday, to some you know what I mean to the rest use your mind. So as for this rainy weekend I shall drink a bottle or 2 take some pills and dance it away sing in the rain as if I were not to live another day! I will get over this to! How is that one saying, this to shall pass, I sure hope that's true. To all that has been there for me, thank you! Real friends are hard to come by and I love each and everyone of you. To those who have not maybe because they just don't know how down I am and took the time to read this thank you for letting me share my pain. Feel free to say anything you please good or bad, it at least shows some people do pay attention to the friends they say they have. Have a great weekend and live life as if there is no tomorrow because we never really know what tomorrow will bring.

HIM

lies deceit manipulation is what i feel right now as i think. you sit there with all these words none of witch feels real to me. heartless untruthful is what i feel i believe. thoughts of sleepless running about. mean and cold as you think you can speak to me any witch way, i was sleeping i just woke up today but oh so much more vulgar and rudeness with in thoses words when them are form you to me. what kinda ground do u believe we stand on n this relationship? all i can think is wow there is yet to even be a foundation where i stand and believe this one to have some truth this is where u stand when u stand with me... underneath our feet you see cement or gravel thats a unreal jester thats not what it is for what lies beneath us is a thin sleet of glass and with every lie you tell another crack appears and before we both know it we shall fall through all the lies you speak.
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