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A good-looking man walked into an agent's office in Hollywood and said, "I want to be a movie star." Tall, handsome and with experience on Broadway, he had the right credentials.
The agent asked, "What's your name?"
The guy said, "My name is Penis van Lesbian."
The agent said, "Sir, I hate to tell you, but in order to get into Hollywood, you are going to have to change your name."
"I will NOT change my name! The van Lesbian name is centuries old, I will not disrespect my grandfather by changing my name. Not ever."
The agent said, "Sir, I have worked in Hollywood for years... you will NEVER go far in Hollywood with a name like Penis van Lesbian! I'm telling you, you will HAVE TO change your name or I will not be able to represent you."
"So be it! I guess we will not do business together, the guy said and he left the agent's office.
FIVE YEARS LATER..... The agent opens an envelope sent to his office. Inside the envelope are a letter and a check for $50,000. The agent is awe-struck, who would possibly send him $50,000?
He reads the letter enclosed...
Dear Sir,
Five years ago, I came into your office wanting to become an actor in Hollywood, you told me I needed to change my name. Determined to make it with my God-given birth name, I refused. You told me I would never make it in Hollywood with a name like Penis van Lesbian.
After I left your office, I thought about what you said. I decided you were right. I had to change my name. I had too much pride to return to your office, so I signed with another agent. I would never have made it without changing my name, so the enclosed check is a token of my appreciation.
Thank you for your advice.
Sincerely,
Dick van Dyke
(I don't care who you are, that's funny.)
Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind. ~Dr. Seuss
There is a story about a U.S. Navy Admiral who was attending a naval conference that included admirals from the U.S., English, Canadian, Australian and French Navies.
At a cocktail reception, he found himself standing with a large group of officers that included personnel from most of the countries.
Everyone was chatting away in English as they sipped their drinks but a French admiral suddenly complained that, whereas Europeans learn many languages, Americans learn only English. He then asked: "Why is it that we always have to speak English in these conferences rather than speaking French?"
Without hesitating, the American Admiral replied: "Maybe it's because the Brits, Canadians, Aussies and Americans arranged it so you wouldn't have to speak German." You could have heard a pin drop . .
Really shouldn't be asking you this...especially on here. I feel shy, but I want it so bad, don't get me wrong; it's just that I haven't had it in such a long time.
I could already feel it going in so hard and coming out so soft and wet. No one has to know about this. I need it. I'm desperate.
You must think I have a lot of nerve asking you for this, but I can feel my tongue around & in it, sucking all the juice out until there's no more left.
This has been on my mind all day and I hope I'm not being too forward... I'm usually not like this...but, can I have a piece of gum?
I've sure gotten old! I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement, new knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes.
I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts.
Have bouts with dementia.
Have poor circulation; hardly feel my hands and feet anymore.
Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92.
Have lost all my friends.
But, thank God, I still have my driver's license.
A guy with a 25-inch peepee went to a doctor and said, "I can't live with this anymore! It's too long."
The doctor replied, "I can't do anything for you, but if you see the witch doctor in the bayou, she can help you."
So, he went to the bayou and saw the witch doctor. The witch doctor said, "Go into the swamp and find a female frog. Ask her to marry you. She'll say 'No' and you'll lose 5 inches off your member!"
So, he went to the swamp and found the frog and asked her, "Will you marry me?"
"No!" she said. He lost 5 inches off his member!
The guy liked the results, and thought, 20 inches is just too much. So he asked the frog again, "Will you marry me?"
The frog said, "No!" And the guy lost another 5 inches.
He thought, 15 inches is great! But 10 inches would just be perfect.
So he asked, "Will you marry me?"
And the frog said, "How many times do I have to tell you...NO! NO! NO!"
BACK FROM THE WAR Sam had been a soldier at war for more than two years, during which he had been in many battles and won many decorations.
He was finally discharged from service and returned home to a wife and son, whom he hadn't seen in almost three years.
As he was walking up the path to his house, his young son spotted him and yelled, "Mommy, Mommy, here comes Daddy, and he's got a Purple Heart on!"
Turning around to see her husband for the first time in years, she exclaimed, "At this point, I don't give a damn what color it is! Let him in, and you go play at the Jones' for a couple hours!!!"
