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Two
caterpillars are sitting on a leaf when a butterfly zooms by, startling them.
One turns to the other and says, "Boy, you'll never get ME up in one of
those things."
A young man
dies and goes to Heaven, where he finds he is third in line at the Pearly Gates.
St. Peter is taking a much-needed break, so an angel is admitting the newly
arrived to Heaven.
The angel tells the three new arrivals that because
so many drug dealers and other criminals have managed to sneak into Heaven that
St. Peter must now be a little stricter with the screening process. Each person
is required to state his former occupation and tell his or her yearly salary.
The first man in line says, "I was an actor, and I earned $1 million
last year."
The angel says, "Okay, you may enter."
He turns to
the woman in line and asks her about her life.
She states, "I earned
$150,000 as an attorney." The angel thinks for a moment and then lets her in,
too.
He turns to the third one in line and asks, "What have you done
with your life?"
The man replies, "I earned $8,000 last year . . ."
"Oh," the angel interrupts. "What did you teach?
We have women
in the military, but they don't put us in the front lines. They don't know if we
can fight, if we can kill.
I think we can. All the general has to do is
walk over to the women and say, "You see the enemy over there? They say you look
fat in those uniforms."
A woman was
taking her time browsing through everything at a friend's yard sale, and said to
her, "My husband is going to be very angry I stopped at a yard sale."
"I'm sure he'll understand when you tell him about all the bargains you
found," her friend replied.
"Normally, yes," she said. "But he just
broke his leg, and he's waiting for me to take him to the hospital to have it
set."
An Army brat
was boasting about his father to a Navy brat.
"My dad is an engineer. He
can do everything. Do you know the Alps?"
"Yes," said the Navy brat.
"My dad has built them."
Then the naval kid spoke: "And do you
know the Dead Sea?"
"Yes."
"It's my dad who's killed it!"
1. You've read
the entire Dilbert page-a-day calendar
2. You discover that staring at
your cubicle wall long enough produces images of Elvis.
3. You've
definitively figured out a way to get Gilligan OFF the island.
4. You
decide to see how many Surges you can drink before the inevitable explosion
occurs.
5. People come into your office frequently to borrow pencils
from your ceiling.
6. The 5th Division of Paperclips has completely
overrun the Pushpin Infantry, and General White-Out has called for
reinforcements.
Doctor, Doctor
I keep seeing double.
Please sit on the couch.
Which one?
Doctor,
Doctor I keep seeing an insect spinning around.
Don't worry, it's just a bug
that's going around!
Doctor, Doctor I think I'm a moth
Get out of the
way, your in my light!
Doctor, Doctor I've lost my
memory!
When did this happen?
When did what happen?
Doctor, Doctor
I think I'm a rubber band
Why don't you stretch yourself out on the couch
there and tell me all about it!
Doctor, Doctor everyone thinks I'm a
liar
I can't believe that!
