You wonder why he pulled you over and gave you a ticket for speeding

He just worked an accident where people died because they were going too fast

_________________________

You wonder why that cop was so mean

He just got done working a case where a drunk driver killed a kid

____________________________________________

You work for 8 hours

He works for up to 18 hours

_________________________

You drink hot coffee to stay awake.

The cold rain in the middle of the night keeps him awake.

__________________________

You complain of a 'headache', and call in sick.

He goes into work still hurt and sore from the guy he had to fight the night before

__________________________

You drink your coffee on your way to the mall.

He spills his as he runs code to a traffic crash with kids trapped inside

__________________________

You make sure you're cell phone is in your pocket before you leave the house.

He makes sure his guns are clean and fully loaded and his vest is tight.

__________________________

You talk trash about your 'buddies' that aren't with you.

He watches his buddy get shot at, and wounded in front of him.

__________________________

You walk down the beach, staring at all the pretty girls.

He walks down the highway looking for body parts from a traffic crash

_________________________

You complain about how hot it is.

He wears fifty pounds of gear and a bullet proof vest in the middle of July and still runs around chasing crack heads

__________________________

You go out to lunch, and complain because the restaurant got your order wrong.

He runs out before he gets his food to respond to an armed robbery.

__________________________

You get out of bed in the morning and take your time getting ready.

He gets called out of bed at 2 am after working 12 hours and has to be into work ASAP for a traffic homicide

__________________________

You go to the mall and get your hair redone.

He holds the hair of some college girl while she's puking in the back of his patrol car

__________________________

You're angry because your class ran 5 minutes over.

His shift ended 4 hours ago and there's no end in sight

__________________________

You call your girlfriend and set a date for tonight.

He can't make any plans because on his off days he still gets called back into work

__________________________

You yell and scream at the squad car that just past you because they slowed you down.

He's in the driver seat of the squad car, going to cut somebody out of their car only to find out that their dead when he gets there.

__________________________

You roll your eyes when a baby cries in public

He picks up a dead child in his arms and prays that it was crying

__________________________

You criticize your police dept and say they're never there quick enough.

He blasts the siren while the person in front of him refuses to move while talking on their cell phone and doing their makeup.

__________________________

You hear the jokes about fallen officers and say they should have known better.

He is a hero and runs into situations when everyone else is running away in order to make sure no one else gets hurt and loses his life doing it

__________________________

You are asked to go to the store by your parents. You don't.

He would take a bullet for his buddy without question

__________________________

You sit there and judge him, saying that its a waste of money to have them around.

Yet as soon as you need help he is there

___________________________

If you support your local police officers, repost this with a 'An Officer's life'

If you don't support your police officers, don't repost.

Also a shout out to the men and women of the fire departments , EMS and dispatchers as well. Without all these divisions, public safety wouldn't be available!!!!

May you always have the strength of eagles' wings,
The faith and courage to fly to new heights,
And the wisdom of the universe to carry you there.
May you always be blessed.

There was a blind girl who hated herself because she was blind. She hated everyone, except her loving boyfriend. He was always there for her.
She told her boyfriend, "If I could only see the world, I will marry you."

One day, someone donated a pair of eyes to her. When the bandages came off, she was able to see everything, including her boyfriend.

He asked her,' Now that you can see the world, will you marry me?'
The girl looked at her boyfriend and saw that he was blind. The sight of his closed eyelids shocked her. She hadn't expected that. The thought of looking at them the rest of her life led her to refuse to marry him.

Her boyfriend left her in tears and days later wrote a note to her saying: 'Take good care of your eyes, my dear, for before they were yours, they were mine.'

This is how the human brain often works when our status changes.
Only a very few remember what life was like before, and who was always by their side in the most painful situations

Life Is a Gift

Today before you say an unkind word -
Think of someone who can't speak.

Before you complain about the taste of your food - Think of someone who has nothing to eat.

Before you complain about your husband or wife - Think of someone who's crying out to GOD for a companion.

Today before you complain about life -
Think of someone who went too early to heaven.

Before you complain about your children -
Think of someone who desires children but they're barren.

Before you argue about your dirty house someone didn't clean or sweep -
Think of the people who are living in the streets.

Before whining about the distance you drive
Think of someone who walks the same distance with their feet.

And when you are tired and complain about your job -
Think of the unemployed, the disabled, and those who wish they had your job.

But before you think of pointing the finger or condemning another -
Remember that not one of us is without sin and we all answer to one MAKER.

And when depressing thoughts seem to get you down -
Put a smile on your face and thank GOD you're alive and still around.

My comments are in red

---

Handwriting:

Men: To their credit, men do not decorate their penmanship. They just chicken-scratch. (Very True with me!)

Women: Women use scented, colored stationery and they dot the "i" with circles or hearts. Women use ridiculously large loops in the "p" and "g". It is a pain to read a note from a woman. Even when she's dumping you, she will put a smiley face at the end of the note.

Groceries:

Women: A woman makes a list of things she needs, then goes out to the store and buys those things.

Men: A man waits till the only items left in his fridge are half a lime and a beer. Then he goes grocery shopping. He buys everything that looks good. By the time a man Reaches the checkout counter, his cart is packed tighter than the Clampett's car on Beverly Hillbillies. Of course, this will not stop him from going to the express lane. (Hey when I go grocery shopping, women get envious, because I actually know what I am doing and I can usually make a small killing while I stock up)

Relationships:

Women: When a relationship ends, a woman will cry and pour her heart out to her girlfriends, and she will write a poem titled "All Men Are Idiots". Then she will get on with her life.

Men: A man has a little more trouble letting go. Six months after the break-up, at 3:00 a.m. on a Saturday night, he will call and say, "I just wanted to let you know you ruined my life, and I'll never forgive you, and I hate you, and you're a total floozy. But I want you to know that there's always a chance for us." This is known as the "I Hate You / I Love You" drunken phone call, that 99% of all men have made at least once. There are community colleges that offer courses to help men get over this need. (Not me, I don't drink, but I do get down in the dumps for a while but after I get past that, I am fine)

Sex:

Women: They prefer 30-40 minutes of foreplay.

Men: They prefer 30-40 seconds of foreplay. Men consider driving back to her place part of the foreplay. (Hell's bells!! This is nonsense, I like to take my sweet time with the "appetizers" before I go in for the "main course".)

Maturity:

Women: They mature much faster than men. Most 17-year old females can function as adults. Men: Most 17-year old males are still trading baseball cards and giving each other wedgies after gym class. This is why high school romances rarely work out. (Listen up, it is called "Male Bonding" deal with it)

Magazines:

Men: Men's magazines often feature pictures of naked women. Men are turned on at the sight of a naked woman's body. (Hey I look at it like this, if women were not meant to be looked at while naked, then they would not have been made so good looking.)

Women: Women's magazines also feature pictures of naked women. This is because the female body is a beautiful work of art, while the male body is lumpy and hairy and should not be seen by the light of day. Most naked men elicit laughter from women. (OK girls, who ya trying to kid? Do you really know how many times I have caught a woman checking out my ass? Gotta give you credit though, you all sure as hell are a lot sneakier than we are in this area.)

Bathrooms:

Men: A man has six items in his bathroom -- Toilet paper, a toothbrush, shaving cream, razor, a bar of Dial soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn. (Hey we just stick to the basics. Why get so damn fancy anyhow? We basically low maintenance creatures.) Women: The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 437. A man cannot identify most of these items. (So very true, too damn confusing, but it is a good idea to be able to indentify the really important things as it may save our asses so we know when to keep our damn mouths shut when the "visitor" shows up each month and our weekend is totally shot) Shoes:

Women: When preparing for work, a woman will put on a wool suit, then slip on Reebok sneakers. She will carry her dress shoes in a plastic bag from Saks. When a woman gets to work, she will put on her dress shoes. Five minutes later, she will kick them off because her feet are under the desk. (Let's not forget the number of shoes that she has in her closet, many of which she has only worn once and will never wear again, I have known a few women that would give Imelda Marcos a run for her money when it comes to the amount of shoes owned.)

Men: A man will wear the same pair of shoes all day. Let's not talk about how many days he'll wear the same socks. (Once again, we keep things real simple, maybe a couple of pairs of shoes, a pair of sneakers and a pair of boots. I change my socks daily and during the summer I rarely wear socks.)

Cats:

Women: Women love cats.

Men: Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats. (Cats can be nice and cute, but they can also be a pain in the ass too. In all honesty though, I do love cats, they are easier to care for than a dog, I just wish they were as obedient as a dog.)

Children:

Women: A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and soccer games and romances and best friends and favorite foods and secret fears and hopes and dreams. Men: A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house. (How many of these belong to me? There would be times that half the damn neighborhood would be at my house, and at DINNERTIME)

Dressing Up:

Women: A woman will dress up to: go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, get the mail.

Men: A man will dress up for: weddings, funerals. (Usually his own)

Laundry:

Women: Women do laundry every couple of days.

Men: A man will wear every article of clothing he owns, including his surgical pants (the ones that were hip about eight years ago) before he will do his laundry. When he is finally out of clothes, he will wear a dirty sweatshirt inside out, rent a U-Haul and take his mountain of clothes to the Laundromat. Men always expect to meet beautiful women at the Laundromat. This is a myth perpetuated by reruns of old episodes of "Love American Style." (Reminds me of when I was in the Army and when I would go to the Laundromat and play the "Inept Bachelor" and some woman would take pity on me LOL) Eating Out:

Men: When the check comes, each man will each throw in $20 bills, even though it's only for $22.50. None of them will have anything smaller, and none will actually admit they want change back. (Here we just apply the K.I.S.S. method "Keep It Simple Stupid") Women: When the girls get their check, out come the pocket calculators. (Ladies, please take a lesson from us on this, OK???)

Mirrors:

Men: Men are vain and will check themselves out in a mirror. (Once again we just keep it simple)

Women: They are ridiculous; they will check out their reflections in any shiny surface: mirrors, spoons, store windows, bald guys' heads. (I cannot top this)

Menopause:

Women: When a woman reaches menopause, she goes through a variety of complicated emotional, psychological, and biological changes. The nature and degree of these changes varies with the individual. (and heaven help the poor guy who is going through it with her, life can truly be a living hell at this stage)

Men: Menopause in a man provokes a uniform reaction - he buys aviator glasses, a snazzy French cap and leather driving gloves, and goes shopping for a Porsche. (Hey let's not forget looking at the gals who are young enough to be our daughters)

The Phone:

Men: Men see the telephone as a communication tool. They use the telephone to send short messages to other people. (Once again we are just really simple creatures, we do what we gotta do and then we get back to watching the game on TV)

Women: A woman can visit her girlfriend for two weeks, and upon returning home, she will call the same friend and they will talk for three hours. (This truly baffles the hell outta me) Richard Gere:

Women: Women like Richard Gere because he is sexy in a dangerous way.

Men: Men hate Richard Gere because he reminds them of that slick guy who works at the health club and dates only married women. (and we want to kick his ass)

Madonna:

Same as above, but reversed. Same reason. (They wanna kick her ass, we just want to tag her)

Toys:

Women: Little girls love to play with toys. Then when they reach the age of 11 or 12, they lose interest. (Nonsense, after a few years of marriage they start getting friendly with "BOB")

Men: Men never grow out of their toy obsession. As they get older, their toys simply become more expensive, silly and impractical. Examples of men's toys: little miniature TVs. Car phones. Complicated juicers and blenders. Graphic equalizers. Small robots that serve cocktails on command. Video games. Anything that blinks, beeps, and requires at least 6 "D" batteries to operate. (Hey you left out the power tools, especially the cordless ones)

Cameras:

Men: Men take photography very seriously. They'll shell out $4000 for state of the art equipment, and build dark rooms and take photography classes. (I never spent that much in my life on photo equipment)

Women: Women purchase Kodak Instamatics. Of course, women always end up taking better pictures. (Sometimes)

Locker Rooms:

Men: In the locker room men talk about three things: money, football, and women. They exaggerate about money, they don't know football nearly as well as they think they do, and they fabricate stories about women. (True)

Women: They talk about one thing in the locker room - sex. And not in abstract terms, either. They are extremely graphic and technical, and they never lie. (I have overheard some women engage in "locker room talk" and I thought us guys were bad, damn these gals could make a sailor blush)

Movies:

Women: Every actress in the history of movies has had to do a nude scene. This is because every movie in the history of movies has been produced by a man. (Hey we are men and we like to see some skin)

Men: The only actor who has ever appeared nude in the movies is Richard Gere. This is another reason why men hate him. (and we want to kick his ass)

Jewelry:

Women: Women look nice when they wear jewelry. (true)

Men: A man can get away with wearing one ring and that's it. Any more than that and he will look like a lounge singer named Vic. (true)

Conversation:

Men: Men need a good disagreement to get talking. For instance, "Wow, great movie." or "What are you, nuts? No REAL cop would have an Uzi that size."

Women: Women, not having this problem, try to initiate conversations with men by saying something agreeable: "That garden by the roadside looks lovely." "Mm hmm." Pause. "That was a good restaurant last night, wasn't it?" "Yeah." Pause. And so on.

Leg Warmers:

Women: Leg warmers are sexy. A woman, even if she's walking the dog or doing the dishes, is allowed to wear leg warmers. She can wear them any time she wants. (True, I haven't seen any women wearing those in ages though.)

Men: A man can only wear leg warmers if he is auditioning for the "Gimme the Ball" number in "A Chorus Line." (Why would I want to wear those damn things anyhow? Plus didn't they go out back in the 80's?)

Friends:

Women: Women on a girls' night out talk the whole time.

Men: Men on a boy's night out say about twenty words all night, most of which are "Pass the Doritos" or "got any more beer?" (What about, "Look at the size of them things")Restrooms:

Women: Women use restrooms as social lounges. Women who've never met WIll leave a restroom giggling together like old friends. Women also go to the restroom in packs, at least two women at a time excuse themselves to use the restroom. (Why the hell is that? Are they comparing notes or something?)

Men: Men use restrooms for purely biological reasons. Men in a restrooms will never speak a word to each other. And never in the history of the world has a man excused himself from a restaurant table by saying, "Hey, Tom, I was just about to take a leak. Do you want to join me?" (We use it for its intended purpose and then we get the hell out of there. However if it is overly crowded and we can't hold it any longer than maybe another 30 seconds, there are two words that will clear out a mens room in record time and that word is "Nice dick", a note of caution is in order here; this tactic is only to be used in a very dire emergency and never in San Francisco, Fire Island or Provincetown)

You know you've been in Iraq too long when...

1. When mortars land near your compound and you roll over in bed and think "still way off, I got another 5 minutes"
2. When you start humming with the Arabic song playing on the radio on the shuttle bus Every woman that reports to your unit starts looking attractive
3. Every guy that reports to your unit starts looking attractive
4. You walk an extra 6 blocks to eat at the KBR (contractor run) dining facility to have the exact same food they are serving in your dining facility because you think it tastes better
5. You actually volunteer for convoy security duty because you still haven't seen the country yet
6. You start picturing your wife in traditional Arab dress
7. The contractors have more fire power than the military combat units. (This is true)
8. You take the time to add your lines to this list
9. You've spent $200 dollars at Haji mart on DVDs buying Basic Instinct, 9 and ½ weeks, and Body of Evidence just for the sex scenes
10. You drink the water from the tap because you want to drop 20 pounds in two weeks
11. Driving around in SUVs with weapons pointed out the windows and forcing cars off the road seems very normal to you
12. You can put your body armor and helmet on in the dark in under 5 seconds
13. When the organization you work for has changed its name more than 3 times
14. When you can actually talk to people in the United States on a cell phone, yet you can't get people on their cell phone a block away
15. When you actually spend more time writing e-mail about the dog in the compound versus how to conduct the fight in Najaf
16. Your idea of a fun Thursday night is to go to the Palace pool to watch the State Department folks get drunk, naked and try to pick each other up
17. When you actually get excited to get a package that contains 3 pair of socks, 12 bars of soap and a Victoria Secret Catalog
18. When you start to enjoy the rocking of the trailer every time the MEDEVAC choppers fly over
19. You memorized every episode from the 4th Season of Sex in the City
20. You enjoy the audience commentary while watching a movie bought at Haji mart
21. You see celebratory fire going over the compound at night and think, "wow the colors are so pretty" and want to fire back
22. Your thinking of buying real estate in the green zone
23. Your idea of sex is 20 minutes of Instant Messaging with your wife on the computer, OK, 10 minutes, who are you kidding?
24. You wake up and think Baghdad, I am still in friggin Baghdad
25. You make the new guy show you his count down timer just to make you feel better about your time you have left in country
26. You're in the Army and you start saying Ooorah
27. You're in the Marines and you start saying Hooah
28. You're in the Navy and you realize you are in the middle of the desert, the exact opposite of being in the middle of the ocean, where one might normally find the Navy.
29. You're in the Air Force, and you're on the plane home because an Air Force tour is too short to have been a long Iraq tour. Ignore this list, zoomie, you won't get it.
30. You only notice the stench of Haji funk when its not there
31. You plan on removing all trees and grass in your yard when you get home so it will look more natural
32. You forget there are other colors than brown that can be found in places other than power point slides
33. The temp drops down to 102 degrees and you shiver while reaching for your Gortex jacket
34. You have noticed a change of season, from long, hot and dry to short, cold and wet.
35. When you call home and your kids ask "Who is this?"
36. You call home and your wife says hello Bill (your name is Sam)
37. When you go on R&R, you duct tape your child to the roof of your car, hand him a pellet rifle, and assign him a sector of fire for the ride to "The Olive Garden."
38. When you can comfortably shave and brush your teeth using bottled water, but don't mind showering in the "non-potable" local water.
39. While on R&R, you look out the window and find Nature, which leads you to wonder who stole your sandbags.
40. When some of the contractors wear their DCUs (Desert pattern camouflage uniform) more properly than some of your soldiers.
41. When 12 hours is a short work day
42. You go Battle Captains!
43. When, During the BUA, "DIV asked MNSTC-I for the FRAGO that MNC-I was supposed to publish, but couldn't because MNF-I hadn't weighed in, since they were too inundated with MOD and MOI war-gaming the JCCs within the ISF to square us away!" is a valid comment and generates no questions.
44. When you start using words like G'day mate, Cheers, and Bloody hell as part of your normal vocabulary
45. When you have your opinions printed in the STARS and STRIPES more than 3 times
46. When the palace catches fire and instead of helping to put it out you grab a bag of marshmallows and start roasting
47. When you step into any office and there are 6 colonels, 12 lieutenant colonels, 15 majors, and 8 captains supervising the work of 1 sergeant
48. When you end every phone conversation with "Out"
49. When you're ordered to get an air mission together on short notice because it's a "Hot priority" only to have the Major call back once he is in the air to ask "Does anyone know where I am going?"
50. When the weapon buyback program has become so successful that you have issued the same AK-47 to the Iraqi army 3 times
51. When you can actually tell the difference between the sound of an exploding car and an exploding mortar
52. When on R & R you tell your wife that your weapon status is Red and your looking for the clearing barrel
53. When on R&R you go to Church and wonder why no one is wearing body armor or carrying an automatic weapon to the service
54. You see an indirect fire attack take out a generator and get angry at the enemy for not hitting the one that powers your computer
55. You see an indirect fire attack take out an air conditioner and your vigor to fight is renewed
56. You yell at the FNG for shouting incoming when the rounds don't impact close enough to hit your tent with dirt
57. You know that you need to run inside immediately after any win of an Iraqi sports team to keep from being hit by celebratory fire
58. You decide for that for shits and grins - lets take a run around Lost Lake at Camp Victory to see if we can get shot at by the sniper
59. You never worry about oversleeping because if the morning call to prayers doesn't wake you, the daily 0430 mortar attack will (most mornings)
60. The highlight of your shopping experience at the PX is to see that they got in a new shipment of Schick Tracer razor blades
61. When you send out your laundry and your whites become grayer, your blacks become grayer and your DCU's become grayer - makes it easier to sort loads...
62. You get offended by people wearing clean, pressed DCU's
63. You decide that it is a better course of action to pull your blankets over your head than put on your body armor during a mortar attack - the woobee will save you and at least you are comfortable
64. You make a contest out of seeing who can wear their uniform for more days before becoming entirely disgusted with themselves
65. You wonder if the fish served at dinner really was carp caught out of the Tigris or Camp Victory's lake
66. You find it completely acceptable to pick your nose while talking to a complete stranger or member of the opposite sex
67. A rocket or a mortar really isn't a big deal until the crater it leaves is big enough to trip over in the dark on the way to the latrine
68. You go to a social gathering and intermittent gun fire or explosions don't even cause a pause in the conversation

The other day I was reading Newsweek magazine and came across some poll data I found rather hard to believe. It must be true given the source, right? The Newsweek poll alleges that 67 percent of Americans are unhappy with the direction the country is headed and 69 percent of the country is unhappy with the performance of the president.

In essence, two-thirds of the citizenry just ain't happy; they want a change.

So, being the knuckle dragger I am, I started thinking, "What are we so unhappy about?"

1. "Is it that we have electricity and running water 24/7?"
2. "Is our unhappiness the result of having air conditioning in the summer and heating in the winter?"
3. "Could it be that 95.4% of these unhappy folks have a job?"
4. "Maybe it is the ability to walk into a grocery store at any time and see more food in moments than Darfur has seen in the last year?"
5. "Maybe it is the ability to drive from the Pacific Ocean to the Atlantic Ocean without having to present identification papers as we move through each state?"
6. "Or possibly it's the hundreds of clean and safe motels we find along the way, where we find temporary shelter?"
7. "I guess having thousands of restaurants with varying cuisine from "around the world is just not good enough. Or could it be that when we wreck our car, emergency workers show up and provide services to help all and even send a helicopter to take us to the hospital?"
8. "Perhaps you are one of the 70% of Americans who own a home. You may be upset with knowing that in the unfortunate case of a fire, a group of trained firefighters will appear in moments and use top notch equipment to extinguish the flames. Thus they save you, your family and your belongings. Or if, while at home watching one of your many flat screen TVs, a burglar or prowler intrudes , an officer equipped with a gun and a bullet-proof vest will come to defend you and your family against attack or loss. This all in the backdrop of a neighborhood free of bombs or militias raping and pillaging the residents. This is neighborhoods where 90% of the teenagers own cell phones and computers."
9. "How about the complete religious, social and political freedoms we enjoy that are the envy of everyone in the world? Maybe that is what has 67% of you folks unhappy."
10. "Fact is, we are the largest group of ungrateful, spoiled brats the world has ever seen. No wonder the world loves the U.S. , yet has a great disdain for its citizens. They see us for what we are. The most blessed people in the world who do nothing but complain about what we don't have , and what we hate about the country instead of thanking the good Lord we live here."
11. "I know, I know. What about the president who took us into war and has no plan to get us out?"
12. "The president with a a measly 31% approval rating?"
13. "Is this the same president who guided the nation in the dark days after 9/11?"
14. "The president that cut taxes to bring an economy out of recession?"
15. "Could this be the same guy who has been called every name in the book for succeeding in keeping all the spoiled ungrateful brats safe from terrorist attacks?"
16. "The commander in chief of an all-volunteer army that is out there defending you and me?"
17. "Did you hear how bad the President is on the news or talk show?"
18. "Did this news affect you so much, make you so unhappy you couldn't take a look around for yourself and see all the good things and be glad?"
19. "Think about it......are you upset at the President because he actually caused you personal pain OR is it because the "Media" told you he was failing to kiss your sorry ungrateful behind every day?"
20. "Make no mistake about it. The troops in Iraq and Afghanistan have volunteered to serve, and in many cases may have died for your freedom. There is currently no draft in this country. They didn't have to go."
21. "They are able to refuse to go and end up with either a 'general' discharge, an 'other than honorable' discharge or, worst case scenario, a 'dishonorable' discharge after a few days in the brig."
22. "So why then the flat-out discontentment in the minds of 69% of Americans?"
    Say what you want, but I blame it on the media. "If it bleeds,it leads," and they specialize in bad news. Everybody will watch a car crash with blood and guts. How many will watch kids selling lemonade at the corner? The media know this and media outlets are for-profit corporations. They offer what sells , and when criticized, try to defend their actions by "justifying" them in one way or another. "
23. "Just ask why they tried to allow a murderer like O.J. Simpson to write a book about how he "didn't kill his wife, but if he had, he would have done it this way"......Insane!
24. Stop buying the negativism you are fed everyday by the media.
25. Shut off the TV, burn Newsweek, and use The New York Times for the bottom of your bird cage.
26. Then start thinking for yourself and concentrate on being grateful for all we have as a country.
27. There is exponentially more good than bad.
28. We are among the most blessed people on Earth and should thank God several times a day, or at least be have an attitude of appreciation.

One thought puzzles me: "With hurricanes, tornados, fires out of control, mud slides, flooding, severe thunderstorms tearing up the country from one end to another, and with the threat of bird flu and terrorist attacks, are we sure this is a good time to take God out of the Pledge of Allegiance?"
Jay Leno

Congratulations to Larry Birkhead, winner of the 2007 Anna Nicole Smith Vaginal Dumpster Invitational

NASSAU, Bahamas (CNN) -- Larry Birkhead is the father of Anna Nicole Smith's baby daughter, Dannielynn, a Bahamian judge ruled Tuesday.

"Everybody, I hate to be the one to tell you this -- but I told you so," Birkhead said outside the court as he smiled and threw his hands into the air.

When asked what's next, he said, "I'm going to the toy store."

Crowds applauded in front of the courthouse as Birkhead, Smith's former boyfriend, made the announcement, and Birkhead teared up as he thanked his supporters.

A DNA test confirmed him as the father with 99.99 percent certainty, said Dr. Michael Baird, who performed the test and revealed the results to a closed session of a Bahamian court Tuesday.

The court had ordered DNA testing to determine the father of the child, who has been at the center of a paternity dispute since she was born in a Bahamian hospital in September.

Smith had publicly identified Howard K. Stern, her lawyer and live-in companion, as the baby's father and listed him as the father on the child's birth certificate.

Stern hugged Birkhead and said he is not going to fight him for custody. "I'm going to do whatever I can to make sure that he gets sole custody," Stern said.

When asked when Birkhead would get custody of the 7-month-old girl, who has been living with Stern in Nassau, Stern said he wanted there to be a "gradual transition."

He said Birkhead could come to the house any time and spend as much time as he wants with his daughter.

Virgie Arthur, Smith's estranged mother who lives in Texas, said she was happy with the outcome. "All I care about is the safety and well-being of my little granddaughter," she said.

Another hearing is set for Friday to discuss the custody issue, which involves Stern, Birkhead and Arthur. It was unclear how Tuesday's news might affect that.

Birkhead sits in a good position to take Dannielynn home soon, according to B. J. Bernstein, a defense attorney and CNN legal analyst.

"It's very difficult for grandparents ... to trump the natural, biological parent," Bernstein said.

Birkhead, an entertainment reporter and photographer, said shortly after the baby's birth that he accompanied Smith to doctors' appointments until a "minor disagreement" took place while she was pregnant.

In September, Stern said on CNN's "Larry King Live" that he and Smith were confident he was the father, and "based on the timing of when the baby was born, there really is no doubt in either of our minds."

Zsa Zsa Gabor's husband, Frederic von Anhalt, also said he could be the father.

Dannielynn stands to inherit millions of dollars from the estate of Smith's late husband, oil tycoon Howard Marshall II. Until her death, Smith was involved in a legal battle over the inheritance.

After a protracted dispute over the burial of Smith's body, Stern and Birkhead began battling in Bahamian courts over the child, and a judge ordered that a swab be taken from the girl for DNA testing.

Stern then asked the Bahamas' Court of Appeal to block release of those test results, arguing that the judge had misinterpreted the law and his order invaded the girl's privacy.

Earlier this month, appellate judges questioned why Stern was raising legal claims after giving consent to the DNA swabbing.

Stern was ordered to pay $10,000 in court costs for the abandoned appeal.

Police: Mom offers 7-year-old daughter for sex

POSTED: 4:37 p.m. EDT, April 1, 2007

TAYLOR, Michigan (AP) -- A 33-year-old woman was arraigned Sunday on charges alleging she offered to let an undercover investigator take pornographic photos of her 7-year-old daughter and have sex with the girl, authorities said.

The woman was arrested Friday after taking the girl to a hotel in Romulus, near Detroit Metropolitan Airport, where she had agreed to meet the investigator, the Wayne County sheriff's department said.

A not guilty plea was entered on behalf of the woman, who wasn't represented by a lawyer at the arraignment, department spokesman John Roach said. She was held in lieu of $1 million bail, and a preliminary examination was scheduled for April 12.

Authorities said the woman offered to let the investigator take the photos for a fee and, when she met with him, discussed being paid in exchange for sex with the child, the Detroit Free Press reported.

"This is truly a horrifying case," Sheriff Warren Evans said in a statement. "To think that a woman would offer up her own daughter in this way impossible to comprehend."

The girl and her four siblings, ages 12, 11, 9 and 6, all were in protective custody, Roach said.

The name of the woman, who lives in this Detroit suburb, wasn't being released to avoid identifying the child, the sheriff's department said.

She faced five charges, including child sexually abusive behavior, illegal use of the Internet for child sexually abusive actions or materials and distribution of child sexually abusive material, Roach said.

She also was charged with prostitution, since the department said she propositioned the investigator herself. The department said the woman advertised herself online as a prostitute.

If convicted, she could get up 20 years in prison.

Copyright 2007 The Associated Press. All rights reserved.This material may not be published, broadcast, rewritten, or redistributed.