zebra's blog: "ME - AS IS"

Not 10 years ago - not today - or the years between then and now.  I dont think anyone can be. I want my life back.  The life where I felt I was healthy - normal - not a burden for my family or the society - for my friends - for ME!  Every day I go through a hell.  Getting up - when I can. Smiling and being positive no matter what - trying to live.  Just the simple pleasures in getting dressed - getting ready for the day ahead. Instead - it is not...it is getting worse every day.  I have my ups and downs.  Just like the rest of you.  I feel sorry for myself some times - and other times not at all.  This is the cards Im delt and I have to try handle it as best I see fit and know.  I am the happy one - the sad one - the nutty one - the joker...underneath it all Im just me... Im Torill!  And I have Fibro!  Im not lazy as many may think.  Im exhausted... Easy as that - yet NOT easy at all.  I used to be so FULL of energy.  I am at times now also - but not to the extent I used to be back when i was normal.  Imagine the feeling of pain when you wear clothes.  The skin burns like its on fire.  Yeah - it does. Imagine not being able to recieve a simple hug from your kids...friends....without wanna SCREAM out in pure pain.  Not good at all.  Just sitting down is a painful experience some days. Trying to sleep - cant.  Never feel rested. 

Oh yes  - today Im complaining.  I started today feeling GREAT!! Got up - dressed and walked out the door.  It is so fresh and clean air outside today.  It is raiing and the rain is freezing cold.  BUT - I took a short walk and felt on TOP of the world.  Came back in wet as a washcloth...cold and still smiling.  Now I pay the price...Was it worth it you might think - yes - it was for me!!   I felt alive for a short time. 

There are days I refuse to be sick - I detest it as a hell!  But I got to face it. I am sick!

I damn the day I woke up and couldnt lift my hand to my face...thats the way it started for me. I damn the day I got the word on what it was.  But - at least I got to know it has a name. Fibro...

As the years have passed Ive learned more about this thing I call my hidden enemy.  And it has let me see that I can live with it - even those days I just want to end it all.  Cause I have those days as well.   But - I cant do that now can I?  See - I have kids and Im about to be a grandmother in a short while.  I cant do that to them - nor can I do that to the rest of my family or my friends.

Strange is - I love life - but I also hate it. 

There are those worse off than me - but this is MY days.  And this is MY blog where I write what I feel and like.  For those that cant read this and be open about it  - go somewhere else!  you need not be here then. 

I better sign this one off at the moment. 

Socks for today : light blue... dont ask why I said that - just a joke ....

T