zebra's blog: "ME - AS IS"

Not 10 years ago - not today - or the years between then and now.  I dont think anyone can be. I want my life back.  The life where I felt I was healthy - normal - not a burden for my family or the society - for my friends - for ME!  Every day I go through a hell.  Getting up - when I can. Smiling and being positive no matter what - trying to live.  Just the simple pleasures in getting dressed - getting ready for the day ahead. Instead - it is not...it is getting worse every day.  I have my ups and downs.  Just like the rest of you.  I feel sorry for myself some times - and other times not at all.  This is the cards Im delt and I have to try handle it as best I see fit and know.  I am the happy one - the sad one - the nutty one - the joker...underneath it all Im just me... Im Torill!  And I have Fibro!  Im not lazy as many may think.  Im exhausted... Easy as that - yet NOT easy at all.  I used to be so FULL of energy.  I am at times now also - but not to the extent I used to be back when i was normal.  Imagine the feeling of pain when you wear clothes.  The skin burns like its on fire.  Yeah - it does. Imagine not being able to recieve a simple hug from your kids...friends....without wanna SCREAM out in pure pain.  Not good at all.  Just sitting down is a painful experience some days. Trying to sleep - cant.  Never feel rested. 

Oh yes  - today Im complaining.  I started today feeling GREAT!! Got up - dressed and walked out the door.  It is so fresh and clean air outside today.  It is raiing and the rain is freezing cold.  BUT - I took a short walk and felt on TOP of the world.  Came back in wet as a washcloth...cold and still smiling.  Now I pay the price...Was it worth it you might think - yes - it was for me!!   I felt alive for a short time. 

There are days I refuse to be sick - I detest it as a hell!  But I got to face it. I am sick!

I damn the day I woke up and couldnt lift my hand to my face...thats the way it started for me. I damn the day I got the word on what it was.  But - at least I got to know it has a name. Fibro...

As the years have passed Ive learned more about this thing I call my hidden enemy.  And it has let me see that I can live with it - even those days I just want to end it all.  Cause I have those days as well.   But - I cant do that now can I?  See - I have kids and Im about to be a grandmother in a short while.  I cant do that to them - nor can I do that to the rest of my family or my friends.

Strange is - I love life - but I also hate it. 

There are those worse off than me - but this is MY days.  And this is MY blog where I write what I feel and like.  For those that cant read this and be open about it  - go somewhere else!  you need not be here then. 

I better sign this one off at the moment. 

Socks for today : light blue... dont ask why I said that - just a joke ....

T

Oh am I ever ready for the season ahead.  Today Ive spent most of my day outside getting everything ready. Been doing stuff Im not supposed to do - but Im DONE!  And even still the pain is REALLY there to be noticed the result was worth it from one end to the other.  See - here we do resycling  - and thats what Ive done today.  Old bikes - stuff you make sure you dont throw away for later to look at it and think : now - why the heck do I still have that?   Well - ALL gone now.  I have made sure its taken care of by somebody else.  I cleaned my closets out prior to this and I gave away 4 big bags of clothes to the Salvation Army - I have NO idea why I had all those clothes.  Or do we ever?  Well - Now I feel better about me and my deed for this day.

The winter is around the corner and it will snow A LOT!  And let it come and make all white - clean and fresh.  I dont like it  - but thats one price I pay living where I do.  Dont get me wrong - I LOVE my country - but you guys need to be here in the winter to experience the snow and the cold we get.  Im lucky I live so far south east as I do - we dont get half of what those living up north do.  But cold?  HELL YEAH!  Brrrrrrrrrrr!  We still see october on the calender but ...its getting freezing outside.  We`ve been under 32 F many nights and mornings already and it even snowed. 

Well - I look outside in the garden  - leaves all over the lawn - trees not completely done yet - but all yellow and sad looking. 

Time turns...things come to an end  - all over the place.   Im born the wrong time of the year I guess...I love all fresh and green...

My few words for today...Maybe I write more later - who knows.

Have a great weekend all :)

Socks : white with RED dots all over...

it’s been a quiet night so far
uneventful, plenty of silence
broken only by the occasional
sounds of the cricket chirping;

a long time indeed since i stayed awake
till the early morning, 4am to be precise,
sleep is the last thing that is on my mind
try as much as possible, my eyes refused to close

my mind, like a clock, keeps thinking
a lot of things from the silliest to the
bizarre, from the good moments to the
bad moments and even scripting
“what if” and “if only” scenarios in my life

as the cold morning breeze played havoc
with my senses, gently trying to disrupt
my thought process and put my mind to rest,
i tried to stay alive and keep it going

with the dawn slowly approaching and my destination
still a long distance away, i needed to keep my senses sharp
and not overwhelm it with the “to be forgotten past”,
as the future is still waiting to be born,
the protest of the mind is quelled down,
only to be continued later


Torill...

Well - its been almost a week since I sat down and got a few words down in here. Its been a week filled with a lot of stuff.  Good days and not so good days. Had fun together with my Wingman ( woman ) Extraordinair DjDoc!  You should get to know her.  She keep getting me into some sort of trouble.  All good though!  We have been rocking fu with autos and bombs.  Even made sure we got helmets on.  We are 2 outta the *RatPack *- need to get that in as a Club of some sort...nutty we are - of this I am sure.  Anyways - she is a star!  Go see her and rater her  a LOT!  She deserves it!!  Make sure you bling her also! 

Other than that....well . we are up to no good  - again!  Make sure you keep at least ONE eye on our statuses.  She has made me laugh so hard I have been crying.

My birthday is slowly getting closer and thats the day I do as I want! You will notice...lol....remember october 9th...  It will be some stuff going on then,  Lift our eyes and pay attention 

Now - weather has changed and my body do not want it!  It makes my days and nights long and ..........well .........painful. 

I need to get myself relocated...maybe to Tahiti?  It is warm there right? 

Well - needless to say - this Giant Midget is plenty drugged more or less 24/7 - BUT do not think she dont know what she is saying...cause she is!  100% as well.

I have learned a lot form different friends in here as well - and for that Im thankful.  you know who you are.  No names will be mentioned at all.

Ive gotten *engaged* also - to Ruff!  He is a sweetheart of dimentions. Makes me smile a lot and is a fun guy to be *around*

He had his birthday yesterday - got to be a *grown up* - he is now in the same leauge as me - the 40`s.

Happy Birthday again Fuancee!  Hope our wishes came true :)

Now - weekend is soon here - and we are planning to still be up to no good :)

Just wait and see!

And do not forget - Smillll - she is my BEST girl!  She is a friend that I cant describe in words.  She knows what I feel and mean! Go see her!  Be nice to her as well!

My friends in here - far og near - you guys make my day! And my night!  Some times I get put to bed when the fun starts as I was  a kid - not always I listen...  tee hee

Socks today : white - Nike... Im COLD damnit!

Pooooooooooofs me

And THANK GOD I dont have shoes on!  I seem to have stepped on somebodys toes. 

I dont even have socks on - yep - thats right - barefoot as most days.  I felt good about myself and me when this day started - but now....I have no idea any more.  I think I do best to lay down and read my book.  The one about The Religions.  It might getmy mind on something else.  Maybe tomorrow bring new nice suprises?  One never know. 

I have smiled myself through the day - with a few *slight* GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR on the way.  I even sat outside for a few - went to the garden and got myself some fresh fruit.  Apples and plums from the trees.  Taste like mmmmmmmmm - even better so!  Was taking a look to see if there was any cherries left - hidden in the branches - but no :(

I sat on the front steps in the sun - looking around at life in my yard - down the street and at my cat.  He is a HUNTER! 

Today he brought me a almost dead mouse first time around.  I had to be the Undertaker - AGAIN.  In the toilet it went - nicely wrapped in paper.   A few hours later he came home with a LIVE one.  NOT much fun.  I have no energy to chase a small mouse around  i my house.  He did NOT agree with me.  Finally I got him to pick it up - and outside they went - through my livingroom window.  Shortly after - he was back - this time he made sure the thing was DEAD on arrival.  Left it on my lap - and elegantly walked into the kitchen with his tail high  to eat HIS dinner.  I had *mine* on my lap.  Undertakerjob for me AGAIN!  A new mouse in the toilet with paper wrapped around.

Needless to say - cats are inside now.  I dont want any more suprises!!

I bid you readers  - the few you are - a GOOD NIGHT from my neck of the woods and hope you have a SPLENDID end to your day.  See - tomorrow is a fresh and new one and I will start it with a smile after I get some rest.  :-)

NiNi Fus!

Pooooooooooofs me!

And I went and did my citizen duty - as I always do!

Watching the news all the time to see what the final result will be.

I hardly ever watch tv but tonight I do.  It is exciting!

It has been a long tiering day in my Daybed - a lot of ups and downs I may add.  Started early and went from there.  Pain?  Oh yeah! No worries - its there.  Meds you ask?  Sure as hell!  They just dont seem to work all that well.  Had some stuff I needed to get done.  Most important and top of my list : To VOTE!  And I did.  With a smile even! 

Have to say - its been stressing me out a bit.  And my body dont like stress at all!  Of any sort.  It starts arguing with me!  Damn thing!  Double doze with the strong stuff calmed it down long enough for me to go and vote.  And that was a good thing.  Bad thing : Im comming off it as I write this.  I hope I get some sleep in a while - right now I shouldnt even bother with it.  Im in my Daybed - remote on the table - candle lit and incent burning.  No music at all.  My blankets and my pillows - my cpu and you guys.  Oh what a GLORIUS life I lead huh?

Its not much but it is MINE!!  And I deal with it and try to stay fine.  Ups and downs I have to deal with - both mental and physical.   I do get tired you see - tired of being me!  I want that sunbeam!  Just ONE!  Only for me!  So I can glow and feel warm and free.

So - socks ....none at the moment.  Im done for the day with that.  I had to wear earlier - and today they were festive and purple.

Sleeping where you think?  Easy answer....the Daybed is the chosen place tonight.

For the time being - my livingroom

Poooooooooooooooofs me!

Im an inspiration I have learned and that came as a suprise to me.  I can think of others that are.  At least they are for me.  Not a few either.  Just so you know.  I have been shown an honor to be written Sonets to.  Blew my mind and still do.  Not one but two!  And the reason is my pictures.  The ones that shows the sencitive - *weak* - open and soft me. 

Thank you over and over again Bill!  I cant find the words to tell you what those means to me!  Thank you for comming into my *life* like you have done.  Make sure you never quite are gone! 

Remember what I said!!  Get those fingers working on a letter, a mail if you wish - to a publisher and let ALL the world get to see what you do so elegant and eminently!  You OWN the words and need to listen when told so.  What you write is a piece of TRUE art.  You capture what you see. 

Talking about making MY day a GREAT and perfect one!

Now I can rest and find my way to the land of dreams.   Run in the green grass - feel the air through my hair.  Smell the fruits hanging from the trees.  Listen and look to the birds in the sky - see the clouds pass quietly by.

Sit under the plumtree with my cat on my lap - feel his warmth and his deep purr that soothens me.    So I log off and leave this place for the night.  As always a warning comes : I might pop back up in here again - if I cant sleep.

The socksituation at the moment : White - brand Nike! They are comming off!  Im off to my Daybed!

I gave up roaming my house for strange places to sleep these past days this week.  Need to save some adventures for later you know.  :-)  And YES Im aware of that Im a nutcase!  But - I love me - dont you?

*Sending smiles and hugs*

Pooooooooooofs me!

What a night!

I finally got to sleeping.  More than 3 hours!  A victory!  And I feel refreshed and ready.  Well - Ive been up for hours already drinking my coffee and listening to music.  Sun is glowing outside , bringing beams of hope for the days to come.  Yesterday was not my best day as you who read already know. 

I have to send a special thank you to Vera!  What a friend YOU are!  Thank you for your kind words and the teddy.  He is soaked!

For those I talk to on *the other side* - thank you as well.  Support on good and bad days are welcome.  I hold you close to my heart and hope I can and do support you.  I sure try my best. 

As I fell asleep I had a babysitter - and I might need another...or I know I do. 

Make sure I relax and *fade* away into the land of dreams.  I dreamt of summer - mountains and the sea.  I was standing on top of *my* mountain - looking down to the green and deep forrest.  Smiling - enjoying - feeling SO damn free. 

No pain no gain :)

Today is a new day - a day I really want to be a good one! And Im sure as HELL gonna do MY best to make it one. 

Another thank you or tons of such goes out to YOU!  And to set the record straight - I OWE you!  

Who YOU are - well , you are reading arent you?  If YOU smile and think - Yes I did a good deed  - then its you Im talking to!  THANK YOU!

Todays socks : non excisting as we speak.  Got some White ones ready if I need.  Until then  : toes are wiggeling as they please.

Daybed : over to my right - ready

Coffee : right in front of me

Ta daaaaaaaa......

Poofs me!

BTW : Im rating!

And so this day are comming to a end.  slowly but surely.  I have to admit that this has not been a good one when it comes to the part about the head in this sick thing.  

My mind have been everywhere and nowhere.

 Am I worth it?  

Can I be loved for who I am at the present time?

Is there anyone willing to sacrefice a good part of their life to be with someone like me?  

Is there any hope for some happiness?

A lot of questions have been flying since I opend my eyes in the am. The other side of the *medal* given to me with this shit!  Oh - yes - she used the SHIT word.  

Depression is a part of this as well as the neverending and evelsating pain.  

All over from inside to outside - Top to bottom.  Even the hair hurts.  a lot of tears have been shed today - secretly so not to worry and hurt those near.  I dont want this!!  I dont want ANYONE to have this.  It is degrading in all ways possible and unpossible.  It is   a living hell and back over and over.  

One minute I smile and laugh - the next Im all broken down in tears.  Maybe Im best left alone and on my own?  Not to be anyones burden but my own.

If I could get one wish granted it have to be to get my Normal life back.  

This is eating me up and I have to say : I just want another day

Head down , sholders lower

Not feeling able to look at the world from shorter distance.  Miles away... It is there - right outside my door and my window.  Hurdles are WAY to high and  hard to overcome.  I stay here  - in my Daybed and see it all pass by. One day MY sun will shine just for ME!  And guess where I will be?  I tell you - right there where the beams gently stroke my chin - allowing the sun to come in.  Put the light back in my eyes  - my smile open and wide.

Can I have than ONE single day in the sun?

Crash - and maybe burned in my Daybed.  Im soon down on my knees BEGGING for someone to hit me over the head with something so I can get som NEEDED sleep.  At least some rest.  I give almost anything for more than  3 hours!

Im sitting here looking outside and up on the clear dark blue sky.  It got flashies all over it!!  :)

Maybe THATS where Yoda and my auto is?

IT is a beautiful night - or rater morning.  The air outside is not warm - nor is it  too cold.  Just perfect for this time of the year.

As every year at this time the heat comes back and stay for a few days - sometimes up to 2 weeks.  Feels like summer is back - but not to be fooled - it get you back if you get caught up in the *summerfeeling*.  Its the PERFECT time to get a cold that last all winter long.  Smart as I am - yes , even I have learned this over the years - I dress varm and dont get tempted to *run* along in short pants and t-shirts.  Oh no!  I put sweats on ( have to get the mail right?) And sometimes even socks! 

Speaking about socks - today (yesterday ) I had to put some on - they are tanned with purple strikes all over them.   ( by mistake a friend of mine once said - AFTER seeing ONE of these socks : why are you wearing dirty socks?? )  (  but when I produced the other one - he could see they matched and they were CLEAN )

Now - no socks on...  Toes wiggeling as they please.

As for body : I have NO problem telling I got one - even my hair tells me IM HERE! 

For you to hug me now - lets keep it at Cyberlevel shall we?  All hugs are nice to get and equal nice to give.  But  - safe distance is GOOD for now.  I might get a bit....fuzzy if tried otherwise. 

A long day have come to end - and I have to find a place to sleep.  Question is where?  I have roamned my house,... maybe the bathroomfloor is a good spot tonight?  Or simply the Daybed?

You know what - I go for the Daybed.  Get the Killer cat outta there and claim whats rightfully mine!

I shall do as said - Daybed it is...

Do not be scared if I pop back up and come see you - never know!

So - until I do....Poooooooooooofs me!

Nite nite   [[HUGS]]]