How to Nair your stuff, and other helpful tips....
Lol Well, me being me, of course had to do something stupid..ya ready for this?
So I'm seeing this guy Jason. And he likes to pick on me cuz I have this aversion to shaving my legs lol. I figure if no one's touchin em, why fuckin bother right? Well then I forget to shave before I see him lol and what was that he called me…sasquatch I think it was lmao. So I get home from work yesterday and I'm in my bathroom searching for a decent razor and guess what I find…NAIR. Sweet. Says it works in as little as 3 minutes. Sweeter. Easy applicator, blah blah blah, simple right? WRONG!
I figure what the hell, what can it hurt? If it doesn't work, I'll just shave anyways, no harm, no foul. So I'm in my bathroom, stripped from the waist down (cuz yeah I shave EVERYTHING if you catch my drift) So, standing there in my tshirt lol ( oh yeah , hot look for me, lemme tell ya) And I get my foot up on the edge of the sink and start applying "an even layer to cover hair" I squeeze the bottle and this goopy pale yellow stuff comes oozing out. Kinda looks like that Bavarian cream they stuff into donuts..but I wasn't about to lick the shit to see if it tasted like it too. OK so even layer, I can do this…Apparently not. It starts sliding down my leg and PLOP lands in a big blob on my favorite boot (god knows what the shit will do to suede, so pause in the operation while I mop the crap off the boot, then stupidly throw the boot right back on the floor) Repeat above step, finally realizing "Hey dipshit, throw the boot in the hall" So now there's blobs of the shit on my bathroom carpet..oh fuckin well, the rug is trashed anyways (polka dotted from all the hair color I use lol) So anyways, I get my legs covered, then right about where they meet in the middle I ask myself, I wonder if it will work on THAT too…so (smart move for once) I read the label. "Can be used on blah blah bikini line" woohoo lets slap some on there too. By now I've abandoned the crappy little applicator thingy and am just squirting the goo into my hands and slathering it on my legs and other body parts. So I get all covered ankle to girlie goodies in this crap, and look at my cell phone…3 minutes right? Well it's been 3 minutes since I started, I wonder if it's working yet. The bottle says wait 3 minutes, then check, if it doesn't work, leave on up to but not exceeding 10 minutes. Well I checked it, it didn't work yet. So 7 minutes later (yes I timed it) I get the little hair scraper off-er thingy and start basically shaving my legs…without a blade, how much damage can it do? Well let me fucking tell you, I started at my ankles and by the time I worked up to my hootchie, my goodies were ON FIRE!! AND THE DAMN HAIR WASN'T COMING OFF!!!! WTFFFFF????? I'm hopping from foot to foot, biting my lip to keep from screaming as I'm scraping this crap of my monkey, then just say fuck it and climb in the shower. Now again, checking the bottle, it says, do not rub or use soap, just rinse. Rinse my ass, I felt like my legs were covered in an inch of burning Vaseline (tasty thought, I know) So I bust out the scrubby loofah thingy and the baby shampoo (mild is good right?) and start scrubbing the crap off my body parts. Well it came off…took the hair with it…and oh about a layer of skin too. My legs weren't too bad, but ya know how stuff says not to use on broken skin? Well THEY WEREN'T FUCKING LYING!!!!! I had some (almost healed) razor burn from the last time I felt a little furry and now dear friends it looks like I have creepin fucking crud taking over my thighs and bikini line…all these red bumps and some weird looking scratches ( oh that was from me, I had a freaked out scratching fit when I couldn't get the stuff off and started itching it…BAD IDEA friends and neighbors) So anyways, I finally finished rinsing all of it off me and got out of the shower, wrapped my towel around me and…SCREAMED! Girlie goodies sirens go off OUCH OUCH OUCH not fucking good. It felt like someone was aiming a blowtorch at my hoo-hah (not that I know what that feels like, but I'm sure it ain't fuckin fun) I start freakin out, looking for some lotion or something to put on my stuff and find this Neutrogena stuff…yeah brainy fuckin maneuver Another scream, followed by me, soaking facecloths in cold water and pressing then OH SO gently againt my stuffing…tears in my eyes and hands just a-shakin. The pain finally dulls to soft stabbing (picture a thousand tiny sadistic people all pole vaulting across my hooch using flaming skewers as poles) Yeah Ouch. I hobble out of the bathroom, and try to find some clothes that don't rub against me (god it sucks to be the queen of tight jeans) I find this old ass skirt that's 2 sizes too big that doesn't make me want to scream when I wear it. Then I call Jason to inform him that while I no longer have furry legs, he isn't touching any of my lower body til it heals. He went and bought me a really nice razor lmao. So dear readers, take it from me..DO NOT NAIR YOU'R GIRLIE GOODIES!!!!!!!!!
