Sometimes I feel like I need to explain certain things about myself so people, especially ones that are close ot me, will understand why I do the things I do and act the way I act. I had a very…disturbing childhood. I know we’ve all heard that before, in one way or another, from almost everyone we know. Nobody’s childhood was perfect, unless your name is Beaver Cleaver (even that poor boy had to deal with the knowledge that his mom was the only mom in the world that vacuumed in pearls). Everyone has some dark little secret, some deep down shame that they hide from the world, sometimes even hide from themselves. Sometimes its safer to ignore things, its easier to deal with day to day life, forever walking as far from pain and hurt and shame as possible. It may have been all their fault, it may have been something completely beyond their control. It doesn’t matter, shame is shame, whether you brought it upon yourself or were forced, kicking and screaming into it. We all have something we have to deal with. To some people, others finding out is the worst thing in the world. TO others, they could care less who knows about shit. But this isn’t about them…this is about me and my myriad of issues.
First off, let me say that I will not bore or disgust you with disturbing details. I won’t delve into horrible things to bring pity. I won’t try to make you understand, because some of it is just plain un-understandable. Ok well maybe I will, it kind of depends on how long I ramble on about things, anything is possible in my world, and as you see I didn’t promise ANYTHING..I never do. I will try, however, to help you see that, yes I am disturbed, yes I am monumentally screwed up, I am a self-made fuck up. I’ve let my past influence every bad decision I have ever made. I have not ever given myself credit for the good decisions I’ve made. I’ve tried (and usually succeeded) in pushing away people that have cared about me. I’ve let very bad people do very bad things to me. I’ve been used, abused, torn and shamed, all of my own volition. You see…I don’t care. I don’t care what happens to me. I care what happens to my family, I care what happens to my friends. I, on the other hand, I’ve been through the worst. Nothing else that can and will happen to me could be worse than the horrors I’ve already lived through. So I say to the world “Bring it on, bring me the pain, bring me the lies, give me what ya got.” And oh it has, the world has listened intently to my request. Its given me more than any hard core sadist could as for. And I took it, head on, eyes wide, and still openly begged for more, always asking “WHat could be worse?” I always let myself think I’m in control in these situations too, though I never am. I go into relationships, hoping not to get hurt, knowing that I will, and begging for it to be worse. I pretend I don’t do this, but ask any ex boyfriend of mine, and they’ll tell you “Go ahead, hurt her, she breaks easily, but she mends quickly..and she’ll come back for more.”
I get very emotional sometimes, as someone witnessed the other night. Things will seem fine, I’ll appear to be in a fabulous mood, I’ll laugh, I’ll joke, I’ll be looking over my shoulder, wondering, when is it gonna hit, when will I whip through a 180 and become that other girl, that girl that wants to be hurt, the one that picks fights just to make the good time go away. Good times, good things, they never last. Just when ya think you’re on the right track, you’re doing good, you haven’t cried in weeks…BAM there it is, there’s the pain, the shit you bring onto yourself..just because. If there’s no bad, there’s no good. So maybe if the bad is THAT bad, maybe then the good will be better. So, then find someone that can maybe deal with that bad, because the good is GREAT. There’s love, there’s that connection, ya know? When things are really good..everything just falls into place. Life gets easier, just a little bit, day by day. You don’t wake up every morning thinking why do I have to live this day over again? You wake up thinking, today’s gonna be good, I get to see him, everything will be ok…maybe. Maybe not, because even thought THAT person is there, there’s always someone else out there, willing to hurt you, all you have to do is ask. See the hard part, for someone like me, is to stay away from those people, no matter how appealling it may seem. Because as easy as it is to get yourself hurt…its hard not to…so so hard. Its hard to walk away from the thought “Hey I can do this, no one will know, it’ll be over before it starts, then I’ll be good for while.” But you won’t be good. Ya fuck up everything important, and you hurt the one you SWORE not to hurt.
That’s about where I am now. I am happy. For the first time in a very long time, I am happy, plain and simple. Kenny. Its all his fault that I’m happy. Its his fault that I get up in the mornings smiling ( most of the time anyway). Which makes it his fault that I’m once again looking for that pain. Its too good, it can’t last..can it? Who’s gonna screw up? Who’s gonna hurt? Who’s gonna MAKE it hurt? Hmm..a conundrum? I think not. If anyone gets hurt, it’ll be..both of us, but it will be my fault. It wil lbe ALL MY FAULT. As usual. I’m never strong enough to walk away from pain, never have been. But this time its different. He makes me stronger, he makes me love him, more and more, every day. I’m not used to this, I keep thinking, should I just let myself be happy? Or should I just do what I always do..wait for it to change, wait for the pain. I DON’T WANT TO. Not this time. I have made my decision. I will walk away from all of the past. I will walk away from that person I used to be. I don’t want to be her anymore, I don’t want to hurt anymore. I don’t want him to see me cry again. I don’t want to be helpless in love…I want to be strong in love, for me and for him. Now comes the hard question, maybe the hardest…can
