MADAMEREBECCA's blog: " FUNNY THINGS !!!!!!"

Clocks in Heaven! > >> > >>> A man died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of St. Peter at the > >>>Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. He asked, > >>>"What are all those clocks? > >>> > >>>St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a > >>>Lie-Clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move." > >>> > >>>"Oh," said the man, "whose clock is that?" > >>> > >>>"That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved, indicating > >>>that she never told a lie." > >>> > >>>"Incredible," said the man. "And whose clock is that one?" > >>> > >>>St. Peter responded, "That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have > >>>moved twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire life > >>> > >>>"Where's Hillary Clinton's clock?" asked the man. > >>> > >>>"Hillary's clock is in Jesus' office. He's using it as a ceiling > >>>fan."

"Love is the greatest instinct- Follow your heart!" For all those men who say, Why buy a cow when you can get milk for free. Here's an update for you: Now days, 80% of women are against marriage, WHY? Because women realize it's not worth buying an entire pig just to get a little sausage. Men are like.... 1. Men are like .Laxatives ....... They irritate the crap out of you. 2. Men are like.Bananas The older they get, the less firm they are. 3. Men are like ......Weather Nothing can be done to change them. 4. Men are like .......Blenders You need One, but you're not quite sure why. 5. Men are like .....Chocolate Bars ... Sweet, smooth, & they usually head right for your hips. 6. Men are like ...Commercials ....... You can't believe a word they say. 7. Men are like Department Stores ....... Their clothes are always 1/2 off. 8. Men are like ...Government Bonds .... They take soooooooo long to mature. 9. Men are like ....Mascara They usually run at the first sign of emotion. 10. Men are like ..Popcorn They satisfy you, but only for a little while. 11. Men are like Snowstorms ..... You never know when they're coming, how many inches you'll get or how long it will last. 12. Men are like Lava Lamps ..... Fun to look at, but not very bright. 13. Men are like Parking Spots All the good ones are taken, the rest are handicapped. Now send this to all the remarkable women you know, as well as to any understanding good-natured, fun kinda guys you might be lucky enough to know !!!!!!!!!!

THE WASHCLOTH Ladies this has to be read, laughed at, and passed. There isn't a woman alive today who won't crack up over this! I was due for an appointment with the gynecologist later in the week. Early one morning, I received a call from the doctor's office to tell me that I had been rescheduled for that morning at 9:30 am. I had only just packed everyone off to work and school, and it was already around 8:45 am. The trip to his office took about 35 minutes, so I didn't have any time to spare. As most women do, I like to take a little extra effort over hygiene when making such visits, but this time I wasn't going to be able to make the full effort So, I rushed upstairs, threw off my pajamas wet the washcloth that was sitting next to the sink, and gave myself a quick wash in that area to make sure I was at least presentable. I threw the washcloth in the clothes basket, donned some clothes, hopped in the car and raced to my appointment. I was in the waiting room for only a few minutes when I was called in. Knowing the procedure, as I'm sure you do, I hopped up on the table, looked over at the other side of the room and pretended that I was in Paris or some other place a million miles away. I was a little surprised when the doctor said, "My, we have made an extra effort this morning, haven't we?" I didn't respond. After the appointment, I heaved a sigh of relief and went home. The rest of the day was normal ... Some shopping, cleaning, cooking. After school when my 6 year old daughter was playing, she called out from the bathroom, "Mommy, where's my washcloth?" I told her to get another one from the cupboard. She replied, "No, I need the one that was here by the sink, it had all my glitter and sparkles saved inside it." NEVER EVER GOING BACK TO THAT DOCTOR. EVER

country biotches A city bitch will take you where you need to go. *A country bitch throws you her keys and says it needs gas in it! A city bitch will tell you not to fight, it aint worth it. *A country bitch will say beat her ass and look at the crowd and say "better nobody jump in". A city bitch will let another bitch know she can back the f*** up or get knocked the f*** out. *A country bitch will just knock her out!!! A city bitch tells you, she's had enough to drink. *A country bitch tells you we need another shot, we bout to get f-ed up! A city bitch goes to the club with you and sits down. *A country bitch goes to the club with you and says lets show these city bitches how we do it. A city bitch wonders who your new man is. *A country bitch knows his first name, last name , his birthday, where he lives, who he's related to, what kinda car he drive's, where he works, how many babies mama's he has, and how many bitches he is talking to right now!!! A city bitch thinks the friendship is over when you have an argument. *A country bitch lets you know that was f***ed up, but I still love you ." A city bitch expects you to always be there for them. *A country bitch knows you will always be there for them, they don't have to expect shit. A city bitch reads this e-mail, realizes that she is a city bitch and then deletes it. *A country bitch passes this to her country bitches without thinking about it. Pass this to all your country bitches......if you don't get it back that's because you sent it to a city bitch...XOXO Bitches

the sister-in-law My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me. It was her beautiful younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was bra-less. One day "little" sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome. She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister. Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word. She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me." I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. When she reached the top she pulled off her panties and threw them down the stairs at me. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door. I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car. Low and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping! With tears in his eyes, my future father-in-law hugged me and said, we are very happy that you have passed our little test.....we couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family." And the moral of this story is: Always keep your condoms in your car.

married couple A married couple in their early 60's were out celebrating their 35th wedding anniversary in a quiet, romantic little restaurant. Suddenly, a tiny yet beautiful fairy appeared on their table and said, "For being such an exemplary married couple and for being faithful to each other for all this time, I will grant you each a wish." "Ooh, I want to travel around the world with my darling husband", said the wife. The fairy moved her magic wand and -abracadabra!- two tickets for the new QM2 Luxury Liner appeared in her hands. Now it was the husband's turn. He thought for a moment and said: "Well, this is all very romantic, but an opportunity like this only occurs once in a lifetime, so, I'm sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than me." The wife, and the fairy, were deeply disappointed, but a wish is a wish. So the fairy made a circle with her magic wand and -abracadabra!- the husband became 92 years old. The moral of this story . . . Men might be ungrateful idiots. But fairies are. . . . . . female. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Ahhh...imagining that irresistible "new car" smell?

A young man shopping in a supermarket noticed a little old lady following him around. If he stopped, she stopped. Furthermore she kept staring at him. She fi nally overtook him at the checkout, And she turned to him and said, "I hope I haven't made you feel ill at ease; it's just that you look so much like my late son." He answered, "That's okay." "I know it's silly, but if you'd call out "Good bye, Mom" as I leave the store, It would make me feel so happy." She then went through the checkout, And as she was on her way out of the store, The man called out, "Goodbye, Mom." The little old lady waved, and smiled back at him. Pleased that he had brought a little sunshine Into someone's day, he went to pay for his Groceries. "That comes to $121.85," said the clerk. "How come so much ... I only bought 5 items.." The clerk replied, "Yeah, but your Mother said You'd be paying for her things, too." Don't trust little Old Ladies!!!

Fucked up Jokes!! Two old men decide they are close to their last days and decide to have a last night on the town. After a few drinks, they end up at the local brothel. The madam takes one look at the two old geezers and whispers to her manager, "go up to the first two bedrooms and put an inflated doll in each bed. These two are so old and drunk, I'm not wasting two of my girls on them. They won't know the difference." the manager does as he is told and the two old men go upstairs and take care of their business. As they are walking home the first man says, "you know, I think my girl was dead "Dead?" says his friend, "why would you say that?" "well, she never moved or made a sound all the time I was loving her." His friend says, "I think mine was a witch." a witch, why the hell would you say that?" "Well, I was making love to her, kissing her on the neck and I gave her a little bite, then she farted and flew out the window." ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A man goes to his doctor's and says, "Doc, I've just been raped by an elephant!" The stunned doctor replies, "What makes you say that?" "Well," says the man holding his hands about a foot or so apart, "my asshole feels this big!" "Bend over, and let me have a look," says the doctor. The guy bends over and sure enough, his asshole is about ten inches across. "But I thought that elephants only had a long, thin penis?" states the doctor. "Yeah, I know," says the agitated man, "but it fingered me first!" ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------- There were 2 cavemen, Ug and Og. Ug was sat in his cave wanking (he had just invented it) when Og walked in. "What you doing?" said Og. "Wanking" said Ug. Ug showed Og how to do it and Og left to try it for himself. Later, Ug heard a loud scream from Ogs cave and ran in. Og was sat on the floor with his dick in one hand and a club in the other. "What happened?" asked a curious Ug. No reply. "What happened Og?" After a minute or two Og replied, "when I tried that thing you taught me, it spat at me so I hit it with my club!"

DUI INFORCEMENT Body: One night, a police officer was stalking out a particularly rowdy bar for possible violations of the driving-under-the-influence laws. At closing time, he saw a fellow stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb, and try his keys on five different cars before he found his. Then, sat in the front seat fumbling around with his keys for several minutes. Everyone left the bar and drove off. Finally, he started his engine and began to pull away. The police officer was waiting for him. He stopped the driver, read him his rights and administered the Breathalyzer test. The results showed a reading of 0.0. The puzzled officer demanded to know how that could be. The driver replied, "Tonight, I'm the designated decoy."

Weight Loss Program For Men A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 10 lb. weight loss program. The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic,19-year-old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck. She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me." Without a second thought, he takes off after her. A few miles later huffing and puffing, he finally gives up. The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens. On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 10 lbs. as promised. He calls the company and orders their 5-day, 20 lb. program. The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life. She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, "If You catch me, you can have me." Well, he's out the door after her like a shot. This girl is in excellent shape and it takes him a while before he can continue, so for the next four days, the same routine happens with him gradually getting in better and better shape. Much to his delight on the fifth day he weighs himself only to discover that he has lost another20 lbs. as promised. He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day, 50 lb. program. "Are you sure?" asks the representative on the phone. "This is our most rigorous program." "Absolutely," he replies, "I haven't felt this good in years." The next day there's a knock at the door, and when he opens it he finds Richard Simmons standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads, "If I catch you, you're mine."