Mistress Tonie's blog: "Poetry"

Wanting to die

Last night a friend asked me if I wanted to die I said not today. But today I want to die. I want to die because of the loss of life. Because not being next to those that I love. I want to die as I feel I am unloveable and that I am not wanted. What would people say if I died to today? Would they mourn me or throw a party? I believe people would throw a party singing the bitch is dead. Many people say they love someone but how true is it? Are they only saying the words to make someone else happy or do they mean it? I say I love you only to those closest to me. Today one of the people closest to me turned and walked away not caring about what I was going through but because how she felt was important to her. Telling her I didn't want to live any more didn't matter to her. Yes people deal with things in their own way. But if you are close to someone and they want to die do you really turn your back on them and walk away? Wouldn't you want to stay and keep them company if you really love them not knowing how much time you actually have with them? I hate everything about me. From my looks to me as a person. Dying seems the only way to ease the pain. The only way the pain will be released from my body. I hate hurting those around me. I am finding less and less reason to live any more. Yes Tommy, Mercedes, and Mystic are reasons to live but they don't seem to be enough any more. I need more reason to continue upon this journey. I know I will not be missed and if I am it will be a shock. I know there is someone that loves me but I still have to wonder why. Is it because I am able to be loved or is it from pity? I know not why and neither does he. I just want to die. Die alone so not to hurt anyone. I just wish someone would let me die. Let me die and be done with it. I hate not being able to take my life as all life that is made within me is taken. The life I am to give breath to dies while I stand here breathing the breath that someone gave me. I hate not being able to be in control. I hate my life and my self. Now it should end and I will be done with it.

Forbidden

No fix for the lust of flesh in her most primal state.Chemicals are spoken.For there are no more words left.No more will she accept your conformity.Traveling through you much like electricity.
Moving,Taking,Loving so freely.You're pulled to her eager hands extended.Wanting with all your being.The taste of breathe inside you.The animalistic hunt.For as many as she'll have with hunger sustained.
The ritual fire has left you as ash.Her memory soaring like a storm.You weren't the only one you know.A haunting wind keeps her memory with you.
And with the damage done she'll live her life fast,Fierce,Like the wolves in her mind.
An individual freedom you search to find.What she gives you is a gift.What she reveals is a nipple of the truth in the drift of time

He's the vampyr that haunts me

He haunts me I know not howHe comes to me and draws me nearHe cradles me and not let goHe says those wordsFrom long ago
My love My vampire princessCome to me againLet us be oneLet me lead you unto the darkness
Be unto me that which you once wasBe the bride that I made you to beMy wife my love my mateIn death it took for us to be
You are the life I always hadWithout you there is only sadCome unto me againBe with me
Take my hand as I lead youFrom sorrow and painTo love and destructionTo torture and pleasure
You belong to me as I do youDon't deny me that which I seekYou never left me as I left youI come to take you back to a time anew
Our destiny awaitsNow join meCome unto me that which you areThe vampire princess that all bow before
Your darkness flows deepAs light ascendsCandles flare under your hands
Come my love let it beUs again in harmonyLet us destroy that of filthLeaving a path of bodies despair
Come follow meI can't take you unless your willingDon't deny me longForce is upon you
I will bring you backWhether it be your corpseOr the flesh upon your back
You can not hide from meAs I will always find youNo matter where you roamYour life is mine and mine alone
There is no protection from meAs you already knowI find you when you sleepI see that your awake
Sleepless nights once againAs the first time I found youRoaming the streets before youWandering aimlessly around
Now I find you again not that different from thenI love you and you shall be mineA fight I will do to earn your heart in handIf I must kill you then so shall it be
It means nothing without you here with meYou give meaning when none is givenYou seek salvationYet you take not my hand
You will be mine as I said beforeYour death is before you and this you can not hide.
 
Poetry

Taken away,Destroyed,Thrown,And torn.Where do we turn?Who do we go to?Silent tears and cries unheard.Our innocence stolen.Always afraid.Unsure of who to trust.Everything gone and stolen away.Love is dirty.Everything contaminated.We want to care.We want to trust.But Stolen Innocence is all we have.

The Journey

Buried Talent: The medicine bundle:Symbols of connections,With Allies of the Earth,Medicine to heal usAnd give us rebirth.Talents to honor,Abilities to praise,Strength and compassionGuide our Medicine ways.
This is the meaning of being asked to honor the wisdom of the the Ancestors and Allies.The strengths that are now possessed are my personal Medicine. Finding assistance from all around in that I may find the courage to support myself.

Strength to be gained: Smoke SignalsSacred language of the skyPlease speak to me.You who live where Eagle flies,Spirit I can see,In the form of Cloud People,Coming from the Fire.Sacred smoke you call meTo be my desires.Let me travel skywardWith a heart so true,That may fly like EagleAnd be close to you.
The meaning is clear intent. It is time to walk what I speak. A reminder from the Spirit World. Clear intent brings rewards on all levels and will speed my growth process. Take advantage of the power of my intentions.
The Trunk: KokopelliKokopelli play for me,So my heart may sing,Magic flute of mystery,Fruitful dreams you bring.Song of Aztlan,Fertile Fire,Canyons of my mind,Sacred union,Heart to heart,Speaks of the divine.
The meaning is to listen to the song of the flute. The song of fertility. Started projects need to be finished and new ones began.
The Branch: The DrumDrum that marks the heartbeatOf our Mother Earth,Constantly reminding usWho gave us birth.The rhythm of connectionPulse of flame and Fire,The perfect reflectionOf our heart's desire.
The meaning is to find internal timing. To honor my own rhythm is to come back into harmony with myself. Allowing myself to be supported by Mother Earth's heartbeat. Slow down recover.

The Father Sky: The Stone PeopleRecord holders of the Earth,Will you please explainThe history that gave us birth,The truth you do contain?Like your cousins of the seas,The shells that let us hear,Sacred whispers are the key,To the history we hold dear.Stone People we will hear you.Teach us the ancient ways,So we may build a futureBased on prayer and praise.
The meaning is that which I know will be revealed. Memories of past lives may bring new awareness. A strong person assists me in focusing my intent, dispelling confusion, changing habits, retrieving records from long age, or gentle grounding. Opening my mind to the new understanding that comes my way.
Some where I belong

Where do I belong?
Where have I been?
I look back at the things that I have done.
But what have I really done?
Have I been a good friend?
Am I proud of myself?
Is there other things I want to do?
When I leave this world we people even notice that I am gone?
Have people recognized the things that I have done?
Everyday is a struggle to find where I truly belong but is that even enough?
Nothing seems as important as it use to.
Will the tears fall or will smiles appear when I am done with the work that has been set before me?
Will others think of me as an important part of their lives?
Will I be easily disgarded or even missed?
Sometimes I think to myself that if I left today it would be as if I was never here.
So where do I belong?
No where to go

Time and time again the days roll byThings good and bad happen everydayConfused as darkness over takes mePlans made maybe too soonWhere do I go from here?Is the only question askedIs there light at the end if the tunnel?Or is there only darkness to come?I sit amongst what I called friendsBut are they really friends?After all I have done for others why?Is it me or something I did?I am not worth it to help and not be homeless?Will I always pay for those before me?Are the sins of others mine to repent for?I just wonder what I am to do nowWhere must I sleep in order to keep my sanityMy heart aches with agonyI help always but no help in return do I receiveA home is all I wantA place to rest my headTo walk amongst others with my head held highIs all this to much to ask for ?Should I be ashamed of swallowing my pride?Ashamed is what I feelAnger for the sins of others that make no senseAm I not human and deserve comfort and guidance?Are my questions of no importance to those around me?And still I have no where to goA shelter is where I will call home
Visions

Vision of the past come through clearly. As sleep washes over me. Sleep well deserved. I haven't slept much in a week. Today I took sleep medicine to fall into darkness.Visions of the past rushing upon me in waves of water. This means change. Now do I welcome the change or do I fight it? Even fighting it won't change the fact that in the end it will still happen. I sit pondering about the change to come. I want and welcome the change yet I still fear it. What is to come will be regardless if I want it.Eagle Bear calls to me from afar. My daughter don't fear what is meant to be. Come to the other side and see what change lies ahead. I reach for him yet he doesn't take it. My daughter you must do this alone. The path before you is yours. Embrace the destiny the awaits you. Shima tells me that I must walk with her. Tatonka says come we will show you the way.The tunnel to the past will not harm you yet it will be disturbing. The tunnel to the future will become you. You are growing my child my little one. Embrace that which is meant to be.The vision is to be had upon this night of sleep. I am afraid of what will be. Come and walk the lands with the ancestors. Nissa and Grandfather embrace me with kisses of light upon my face.The Dolphin: Breathe with me, Breathe of the divine, Manna of the universe, In oneness we entwine.The Elk: Your antlers reach the sun, Show me that strength, and stamina is one.The Ant: Oh tiny ant your presence grows, like sands of time, Can I learn to be like you or is it too sublime.The Squirrel: You have gathered nuts by the score, exactly predicting, If you'll need more, teach me to take no more than I need, Trusting Great Mystery to harvest the sea.The Turtle: Great mother feed my spirit, clothe my heart, that I may serve you to.The Frog: Sing frog sing. Call the rains, quench the dryness, cleanse the Earth, then fill me again.The Fox: Where are you? Under the ferns, becoming the forest, So I can learn, You are watching invisible to me trying to teach me to become the tree.The Prairie Dog: Calls me when it is time to rest when it is time to honor, the eternal quest I go into retreat so I may see a way to replenish the potential in me.The Rabbit: Scared little rabbit please drop your fight running doesn't stop the pain or turn the black to light.The Opossum: Roll over... Are you really dead or just playing opossum? Was it something I said.We walk with you our friend of misery. The pain is within and needs to be released. Come and follow us to the light so that you may be free again. Do not punish yourself for what once was. It be not of your fault. Come and join with us that vision that befalls upon you.Oceans roll over me. Light becomes bright. My eyes close to the world around me as the vision takes me. Embracing all that is to come. Mother Earth is watching, holding me. Singing voices from the elders. You have found what you look for. Do you accept that which is shown to you? Tears have no place here our child. From the earth you have come and to the earth you shall return. You are given grace into this light. Dance and rejoice for thou has been returned to you. You need to be freed with your spirit as your spirit walks the earth without you. Connect again, become one.I raise my hands to Father Sky. Guide me my Father. Take the fear from within away. Toncashula wakan tatonka palami. Ashontoanitaway migwhich yaway. Take the fear from within my spirit. Guide me to that which is meant. Show me the way. Tatonka show me your ways. Motto strengthen that whichs lies within me. Mehee you trick me and this I know but I welcome the lessons from you. Wamblee soar high and give to me the power to fly with you in Father Sky. Take my prayers to Toncashula. Bring to me the answers that I seek.A prayer for guidance flows from me.The tunnel is dark yet it seems so bright. The touch of rock upon my finger tips like tiny needles pricking the skin. The smell of salt upon the sea. Barefoot I walk towards the opening of the tunnel. Before me grass so green. I am where I belong but thou that should be here is not with me. Tears to remember flow. Wiping at them to remove them. Trees flourish through the valley. Tepees of homes beyond the trees. Grandmother, Shima, and Grandfather call to me. I walk in wonderment towards them. Here I am but a child. Child of innocence. Running into their arms crying. Holding them as I do not wish to let them go. Tatonka roam here. The animals speak to me. What message to you give me my four legged friends. Speak with us they tell me as you always have. Take the knowledge we give to you into the lives before you. You are the princess of princess honor that as we have always honored you. Take the message of Toncashula with you. These messages are that to who you are promised. Listen not with your ears but in here your heart your soul. It is old our wise one. The messages is not for you to understand but to be given to the one who knows not who he is. Show him the way back. Bring enlightenment to him so that he may understand. As he might leave but he will return to you. You are not alone here nor there. Grandfather and Grandmother are there as that is who you and he is. Believe as you never had. One day the connection will be complete and together again you will walk again. Bare the fruit of gifts together as you have done before. No mother no father will be like you to. Things will change accept it with all the heart. It is you who is to deliver the message and from you all change shall come. When the change is complete come back to us our dear princess and lead us once again as this is your place. Find it within you to make him believe his destiny as this is the message being given. Only you can bring him home and this is your destiny.The lives before now were tests these people will always be you. In truth you are them but do not let the past consume you as it does now. You are the leader of the people. Now go and lead as this is what is meant to be. Bring this world back to what it once was. It is meant.With the words told I still do not understand but understanding in time it will come. Winged ones of the sky will help as I soar above who I am. Four leggeds will bring to me the fruit of what is meant.Our shaman and teacher of the old ways come to us. Bring to us the messages of which only you posses. You lead and we shall follow you to the end. You are powerful embrace it and accept. Do not question that which has been given.

Words

Last night he came to me and I wondered why. He came to warn me about time no longer being my ally. I will take you back to when I knew him and then maybe you will understand.
It was a time of death. The air smelled of it. I sit here and smell the air vividly as if I am there. The scent of blood flowing freely. I see his face of love within my mind. His touch soft and sensual. His kiss of roses upon my lips. Walks down the town streets after midnight. The gentleman that he was. Our love was strong and we thought nothing could take it away. Then death came. He died. He visited me and looked upon me in my dreams and my life. I wanted to die to be with him. I was taken unwillingly then. I searched for ways to die again. To be without him was better than the darkness that had then become me. He was my protector my life. Then it was all taken from me. Life was never the same. I strolled in search of blood to stay a float to be with him. I thought that I was happy as long as I was with him. This has taught me to be careful of what I wish for. My dresses pulled tight upon my breasts. Long and flowing to the ground. He would put his jacket over the puddles from the rain. I missed him and as time grew on I died again never to come back. He left me. We were no longer.
As he comes to me again he brings to me only things that I and a few others know. He knows of my children. He knows the darkness that surrounds me. He knows that it can and will destroy me if I don't take action. Fear holds me and I know not why. I will not give up. My death isn't upon me but my anger is. Time is now an enemy to me. Choices I must make and a change I must embrace. You know who you are you know what you have brought to me. Now embracing what is to come isn't easy. Choices that I am making will only show to hurt. I am trying to embrace things well but sometimes I know not how. I don't understand why the past loves of my life are choosing to find me now. So much is happening and I don't know how to react or embrace what is happening. I am unsure of who to trust any more. I don't trust my self or what I do.
Poetry

To be freeTo fly againTo feel aliveTo know death
Why did he love me?How did he love me?When did he love me?Where did he love me?
ConfusionUnanswered questionsNo peaceNo clue
A pastA presentA futureNothing known
CluelessQuestionsAnswersLost
I need directionI need someoneI need no oneI need everyone
A princessA warriorA kingA peasant
Yet today IFeel as IAm nothingNo one
Nothing in betweenNothing hereNothing there
I walked thisEarth for thousandsOf years
SearchingWaitingWonderingWatching
They comeThey goAloneIn the darkness
To dealTo acceptTo acknowledgeTo become
Who I once wasWho I amWho I will be
Everything collidesThe presentThe pastThe future
One by oneThey drop inThen they leaveNo where to been seen
Go thenLeaveYour good at itAs you always have been