Mistress Tonie's blog: "Poetry"

Feelings

As days go by and the nights grow dark and weary my heart sinks with the sadness that seems to want to consume me.  The tears want to fall from the darkness surrounding the pupils of my eyes.  When the tears fall a waterfall they will become without an end to the dreariness that my heart feels inside. There is an emptiness that seems to hide away in the shadows of a Fallen Angel.  Life is like a star that twinkles and slowly fades away to evaporate into the universe.  Life is short for those that live however even shorter for one that will never breath upon birth.  People take the breath given and take it for granted but innocence robbed before it can have a chance.  Self centered and self consumed people seem to forget that they are not the only ones that hurt, feel pain, cry, care or even love.  Relationships that seem to fade with each blossoming of the roses that fill a room of scents unknown.  Changing for everyone around you to become who you may never have been meant to be.  Dizziness filling my every thought and movement wondering what will ever become of me and who I am.  No longer wanting what could have been but moving on to the best of my abilities.  Trying to show that I care about someone who only cares about herself.  She pushes me away as if I never existed within this life.  Hatred flares like the flames of hell burning the lost souls that have become nothing to anyone. Screaming into the crowd to no avail that anyone hears the words that I speak.  No one to care about what certain choices made might affect me.  A wonderful and intelligent woman that has become bitter as the taste of lemonade on a summer day. There are days I wish her life would come to an end as suddenly as the life taken from me yet I only want to reach out and her grab my hand to show her the understanding of a friend that is not a simple round in the silk sheets that surround her milky complexion.  A life grows in her that she seems to not care about and would rather end.  I want to know what lies deep within that tattered soul of yesterday and see how she can shine like the moon upon a mid summer night.  Why can’t she see what I can really be to her?  My words cut through her like a knife into the steak of feeding time.  I want her to hurt as she hurts me yet to only comfort her after all is said and done.  My pain inside from loss and rejection has clouded my thoughts like clouds the rush in to cover the ground in tears from angels above.  I want my girls back just to know they are all right but when they return I send them away and reject them as that infant of a woman growing has rejected what could be a wonderful friendship.  Through her self consumption of self pity and want she forgets who is really here for her.  Confusion with self doubt that I will be anything but that pitiful child that came here a year ago.  I have come so far and fear has brought the past to haunt me with no avail of what used to work to make it disperse from the salvation that has been given to me. I want to be with her to taste her upon my lips to ease the longing that has flooded me for so long.  A slave respectful and grateful to a Master that has been true of purity within the soul but afraid another can make him forget me while upon the home I live in.  Creator just flood me with the insight that will set me free of all the pain and suffering I must go through.  Nothing seems real but only the dream of yester year.  Where do I go from here and what do I think?  Who and what have I become over the last year to make me lose sight of what should be?  Anger with lightening bolts shooting at anything in my path.  Wanting to destroy and hurt to make others feel the pain that is radiating from me, within me. I work hard everyday struggling up the rope that dangles down in front of me to find the right path to take along the rocky road on the journey that I know one day I must travel without someone holding my hand. Scared of all the possibilities that have been laid in front of me but willing to jump and take the chances.  I just don’t know how I have come so far yet so little in the time that I have been here and I don’t know how someone so selfish can easily come in and seem to destroy all that I am working so hard for.  I want to care and love her with concern and passion but she is so closed off to anyone except those that she chooses to surround in the silky web she is weaving.  How can someone be so unconcerned about the pain others go through and only think that she is the only one that matters?  I sit in tears from the knife wounds of words that I have caused while she sits there so proud that she thinks she has control of what may be.  Will he take into consideration the pain and consequences that will come from her coming here for just a few days or will he give to her what she wants while I get nothing from actually wanting her to be here?
 
Waiting
Her smile has faded
There is no spark in her eyes
Her hair dingy brown
She sits waiting
For all that isn’t found
She fights to win
But she only loses
Most of all now she has lost herself
What others have seen she doesn’t
The glow is diminished to not even candle light
And still she is waiting



Anger

Fire burning deep within
Pain burning under the skin
Lightening flashing from my eyes
Don’t touch me as I despise
Despise the way you look at me
Even the touch of your hand
You say ask and you shall receive
What have I gotten?
I ask and am denied every time
Take your pity and shove it up your ass
Take your selfishness and throw it in the trash
There is no room here for you any more
I have no time for your half truths and lies
Don’t cry to me no more
As my anger burns with wrath of fury
Enough to burn your being to the ground
Take your one way ticket to hell
Leave me be to be the hollow you turned me into
I am no longer innocent and precious
But fire and rage of no independence
I will not be there to help you when you need
As I sit alone wondering why
Only to fuel the fire that burns my skin
Only to hear the thunder as it rages through my ears
Only to feel the lightening that can no longer be controlled in my eyes
You have been the death of me in ways never seen
No rebirth there will be
From my anger and my pain
Broken Wing
I have soared the skies above searching and waiting Seeing nothing but the emptiness around me Rain falls upon my wings Thunder clashing all around me As the day grows old and the dawn becomes dusk I begin to fade Fading into silence and despair Losing all my flight to the storm that threatens the air Eyes clear like the daybreak sky Skin milky white like sparkling stars A smile of innocence, pain, and torment Hair like brown spun silk All these things fall crashing to the ground Cement meeting wings of feathers and air Blood dripping from injuries unknown Crystal tears begin to fall A stranger walks up and tilts her face Looking into eyes of the clear blue sky Wiping tears away Carefully lifting the broken winged fallen angel He protects her and keeps her safe Wiping tears and blood from her face Placing bandages gently upon the feathers of fate He fixes her broken wing just so she can fly away
Soul Mate

He entered my life like lightening in the sky.  Rocking my world like thunder reverberating through my very being. To have him so far away breaks the very being he has turned me into being.  Loving the idea of just being in his arms when April comes to an end.  He is the stars that are unnamed upon a galaxy yet to be discovered.  He is the black hole that I wish to become lost in for ever.  He is the one that I have waited a lifetime for and never will I let him go.
Afraid

Twisting and turning I know not where to go.  The road seemed clear until the phone call arose.  It seems as though trust will never be there even though it is said that it will be.  I know now it will never be that easy.  I know in the past leaving has hurt those close to me however as time has past by why hasn't it been forgiven?  Did leaving really leave those hearts that damaged that they can't recover and forgive after all the loss they have been through?  I just don't know what to do any more.  Maybe every decision in my life will always be a mistake and I will always hurt those I care and love deeply.
????

Do you love?Do you hate?Do you regret?Are your choices sound?
Is your thoughts clear?How about your visions of life?Is your heart free of the hate?Are you like your fore fathers?
Have you been tainted by the ideas of others?Are your morals the ones given by those that raised you?Have you a heart to always do what's right?Are you searching for what you want?
I am searching.For what I do not know?Is it for someone or something?This I know not.
I am free.But only in my mind.I am safe.But only in my heart.
Be mindful.That is what they always say.Be truthful.But first to your self.

Thoughts

thoughts racing with no where to goquestions of uncertaintyhow r things to bewhere am i goingwho will i beam i always going to be lostwithout a soulwithout regard
have i spent to muchof my life worryingabout othersabout medoing for otherswith no regardto me or mine
will i always be lostwill i never find my wayis this the way it shall beis this where i belongis this who i amwill my journeycontinue along a pathof uncertaintyof questionswith no answers
do i havethe answersdo i askthe right questionswhere will this pathand journeytake mewill there besomeonewaitinga hand totake and holdor will ialways bealone
i don't knowno cluedefenseless to thatwhich ishopeless tobe damnedi worry abouteverythingthe wind iknow is my answerbut whereis it taking mewhen i think iknowi realize i knownothing of what is
i need to knowwhere i am goingwhere this journeyis taking mewhere it willleadi know thedestinyyet i am afraidof iti am confusedconfused like neverbefore
i am becoming selfishi know not whyi think aboutme and minefirstbut i don't knowwhat to dowhere to gothis is notwho i once wasi am fearfulof who i ambecomingwhat i amturning intoand wherei am going

Disappointed again

Plans madePlans cancelledExpectingDisappointed again
Where is she?Has something happened?No callNo show
ScehdulingReschedulingTime and time againNo more
I am throughWith the gamesThe run around
I must really careAs I keep believingIn what will never beIn what is not
I need closerI need peaceI need clarityI need to be done with her
How do I do that?Is there steps I must take?Is there something that I must do?Something I must say?
I know not where I am goingI know not how I feelI know not what to doNor what to say
Am I wrong for believing?For expecting?For hoping?For hanging on?
I want to be madTo be angryTo be hurtTo lash out
But how can?Will I?I know notI am confused
Just a callThat would be niceA noteEven that would be good
But nothing I receiveNothing I hearWhat do I do now?How do I do it?