Mistress Tonie's blog: "Poetry"

i just dont know
Nothing ever seems to change no matter what I do.  I feel like that 3 year old back at her gradmother's house being blamed for everything that her brother has done. I try and nothing I seem to do will ever be right.  When do I get that break in life where I am allowed to be happy and not be blamed for everything?  Is everything around me always going to be my fault regardless of what it is?  When I am wrong I will admit it. As a submissive I take my punishments without question.  As a wife I didn't do anything right either otherwise maybe I wouldn't be getting a divorce. Cause to him it was my fault that he cheated.  My children have nothing to do with me because other people have refused to take the blame for what they have done to keep me from my children's lives.  I am getting sick and tired of everything. I am not suppose to be walking and yet everyday I do even though it is painful.  I live  after cancer even though I was supposed to already be dead.  I am here and strong in my own ways each day.  Nothing is the same always with me.  I've only wanted the best for people in my life and for myself but it is looking like the best for anyone in my life is for me to not be around.
 
feeling
Inside and out I feel as though I am losing.  Losing with myself and losing with life.  Nothing seems to make any sense in all this turmoil that we call like.  I feel as though I am falling through the air without anything to break that fall.  My wings broken and I can't return from once I came.  Tears start flowing like waterfalls upon the rocky caves.  My heart breaking like shattering glass upon the cement floor.  I am twisting and turning with no where to go.  I am giving things up to better me yet inside I seem to be feeling guilty.  I don't want to make mistakes in decisions any more nor hurt anyone.  Not knowing what is going on inside of me makes any relationship hard.  I left my girlfriend tonight and have decided that being friends is for the best until my emotions are under control and there is no more trust issues or jealousy issues with her.  I love her and I would and will do anything for her.  Even my ex that I am submissive to was let go.  I can't do this with them any more and I am having to many things go on at once that my head of thoughts is ready to explode.
 
y me
Each day I sit back and I watch as the storm clouds form.  The tears flooding my eyes as the the blue of each day disappears into the grey of storms.  Lightening begins to flash from no where.  Taking over as the emotions begin to flow from place that I never knew existed.  I don't know how to feel or what to do or even where to go from here.  Everything inside seems as though it wants to die and never return. There was a time when there was no tears or frowns.  Now on most days there are only tears and sadness with despair and an uncomfortable glare to only wonder where I belong.  I don't know what to do.  I love purely and with everything that I have.  When it seems as though I have it all I begin to feel it slip away and fall to someone else.  I watch the disrespect float around and tear me up inside.  I don't know what is true or even real any more.  Blurred visions overtake all that I am inside.  I want to run and never return but to hurt another isn't in me.  I said I would live in a cardboard box for her as long as she was there.  To give a child to her so that what she wants becomes reality so she is happy once again even though it kills everything that I am inside.  Now with a possible child I don't know what to do.  I sit here right now and watch her smile and hear her laugh and just wish it was me who has made her this way.  I don't exsit except when others want something.  I can't do anything and it hurts me.  So many storms have just flooded me in ways that no one should be flooded.  I will give everything that someone wants just to see them smile and be happy.  I will sacrifice to give all of me regardless of what it does to me and when it all falls around me I will stand again and repeat.  I can tell my story and watch the surprise on anyone's face just to wonder how can my heart and soul still love.  To wonder where it all comes from.  I can't say where it's from or why it's even there.  All I know is there aren't roses in my future but they will be given often over the years and never be regretted. I am not the typical person nor will I ever be.  I was only meant to be a gem to give give give and never have anything for me.  I would put diamonds from the sky upon her silk skin never wondering where it will take me.  However right now at this minute I just want to be alone with my fear and pain.
 
 
it hurts
Love is that of an emotion that hurts.  Cutting like a knife so deep leaving scars that never seem to heal.  His love was deeper than any ocean that runs through the core.  A scent of purity that leaves you begging and longing for more.  I fell hard and fast for a heart that chooses to ignore.  I'm left high drying like leaves falling to the floor.  I've become lost within a love that will never be.
 Waiting

I lie upon this bed waiting for your arms to embrace me once more. Your heart was always pure and kind even when mine held hatred inside.  How do I ever get back things I cherished the most just to push them away?  I loved you and I couldn't handle you loving me back yet I wanted it.  Your love grew like roses in the spring.  Your scent that of pure innocence.  You never seen the flaws only enhanced on what was true and pure.  I never wanted to hurt you and now I'm missing you and only wish that you were here with me even for a moment.  To feel the safety of arms of warmth and a loving embrace.  I don't know how to go on without you a constant in my life.  You were everything to me and now that your gone I feel lost and alone with nothing to spare.  I love you with a passion that will always burn for only you cuz for another it would only be blue. 
 Impulses

Impulses rage through a being uncontrolled.  Nothing can be rash during a time a women is in need.  Desires withheld for fear of a rejection beyond control.  Fantasies denied never to be told.  A longing clenches deep within so rage rises upon the storm within.  Regret of swords spoken better left unsaid.  Pain deep like the double edged knife.
 Unexpected turns

Life takes unexpected turns when we least expect the tidal waves.  People come and go bringing forth the sun then the clouds of storms.  Each turn we make becomes unknown.  Tears begin to form as the realization comes to mind that you've let the perfect one slip away.  The smiles have begun to fade as strangers we've became.  The storms have begun to settle upon a heart of regret.  Nothing is the way the cards had foretold.  A life turns to shambles as everything fallsaway from these blue eyes as I know inside that you were the only way I could envision myself soul of hatred with unexpected turns have lead this wandering angel to lifes end.  in terror is the place I find myself to be.

Life as it is

As life resembles the mysteries within I find myself searching deep inside a lost soul.  Decisions become clear as the haze of yesterday begins to raise.  My life seemed so hard yet it was I that made things so much harder than they needed to be.  I pushed and pushed then I pushed everyone I cared about away.  I wanted things so bad but I tried to hard and started to be someone I wasn't.  I realize that no one really knew me and I never really knew those I met.  It wasn't anyone's loss but my own.  There are so many wonderful people that I have met and yet knowing nothing about them has been my regret.  I didn't believe within myself and if I could have been true to me and accepted things for what they were then things would be so different in my life.  Hopefully as my words reach the eyes of true friends they will understand that I screwed myself up and I cheated myself of all the  opportunities I could have had.  To apologize would be an insult to everyone that has felt the paon that I have caused.  So hopefully within these words you will find me attempting to redeem myself inside and out.
Eternity

An eternity passes as time slips by like seasons come to pass.  Your smile has faded even from memories of yesterday as I'm erased from times shared.  The rain pours upon only me as others feel the warmth of sun that is you.  Forgiven is not what has to be done as solitude becomes death of innocence pure and free.
 
 
Death Within

The rain pours upon the windows like a river of blood.  My heart aching not feeling your touch.  To be apart is torture upon my soul.  Death is a blessing if I'd never see you again.  Love soaring upon the eagle filled sky while inside I'm dying without you by my side.
It was all a joke

I came to have a good time and spend time with someone that seemed to have wanted me around for my birthday.  The first 3 days were great and since Monday everything seems to have been a joke.  Everything he told me has been a lie.  He wonders why I don't love on him or show affection and it's because that damn phone is his life.  I gave mine up to be here.  He seems to think that it was alright to make me choose between him and my best friend and seems to think my best friends words are what is coming between us and in all reality what's doing it is him.  He is allowing someone's words and protective manner affect how and what he does with me.  I have told him I can't do this and that it is too much.  I am hopefully back on a bus Monday to return home.  Some birthday huh?

My love
Pure of heart and soul he flew in like the wind from the North.  His heart like mine in ways that not even I can explain.  He became that knight in shining armor that every woman dreams will save her from the destruction of a world so cruel and unkind.  Dreams that were only fantasy for so long have started coming true.  Finally have I found the things in life that I can cherish and deserve?  Will he finally show me what love is and how to love others in ways that have always eluded me?  How can this finally be happening to me?  Have I finally done the right things and made the right choices that those above have finally noticed me and gave me something and someone deserving of a fallen angel?  My love has grown deep for a man I barely know and fear rises everyday wondering if he will finally turn into that monster that all others have shown in time.  I expect what always has been yet stay open minded enough to know that maybe this time things will be different because I have finally gotten what I have longed for my entire life.
Alone

 
I sit alone listening to the silence of my tears as they flow like rivers from blue skies.  The sound of my voice just thunder echoing through the hollowness of the empty room.  My heart shattering like glass upon the cold hard ground of winter from the hurt that I have inflicted upon a love I have loss.  The daylight poison like the venom from a black widow striking its prey.  The moon losing its glow as each day comes to an end.  The empty space beside no fault but my own.  I long to have him near me as my skin grows cold.  A love had is now a love lost from words that never should have been spoken.  As boxes get packed and lives rearranged nothing said or done can be erased.  His love was pure and kind as the rain on summer’s day.  I took it for granted and misjudged what was give.  In the end I’ve caused a loneliness that I can never explain.