Some people say life isnt something to fear, only death is. For me death isnt something I worry too much about. Its what leading up to death that I fear. Life is the hard part, learning to accept what is, fixing what you can and praying you just make it. In this life I have had pain, hurt, abuse of many forms-some self inflicted, joys, sorrows and defeats with a few victories. I put on this face that life is ok and that I am happy. In truth, life isn't ok and I am not very happy. I am alone. My heart is in a million pieces and I don't think I have any super glue to fix it. I lost the man I loved. He walks with another for reasons both known and unknown to any of us. I hope and pray for the ability to learn to live again with out him and find some one new someday. The few chances I have in this life to make amends are high on my list to fix the karma I have given myself. There are so many people I took for granted and broke. Some of them I have been blessed to have back in my life, others I pushed past the point of no return. I have few things I am proud of, millions of things I am ashamed of, and too many things I wish I regreted. But regret is something lost in me, everything has brought me to this moment and no amount of regret is worth not being who I have become regardless of what I have been. Being happy is something I also am not sure of how to get. The things I have now that bring me joy are also the things that bring me pain, mostly cuz I am only getting those things on loan for awhile so to speak. Happiness is bittersweet, and all too tempting to try and forget it. Alone to wander in my own void of soul and human emotion, I have concluded this:
I am lost. I will always remember who I am, who I was and those in my life that make me everything I will later. I may or may not be a good person in the end, but I hope at my final curtain call, I won't be banished to the empty places of my own mind.
