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Its 3am and once again I cant sleep and I wonder what lead me here alone in the dark. Sad part is Im far from alone. I have amazing friends who created the family I have around me but some how I feel empty everytime I feel my lil girl kicking inside me. Im holding on to something so tight that I am realizing isnt really there and using it as the way to run away from the world outside. Some how I judge the measure of my happiness on whether or not Kevin is around me in some form. A text or a pic. I havent heard his voice since the day he left back in January and it scares me that I cant remember it. If I ever had to describe it to our daughter I couldnt tell her. I look at the pictures and feel like Im dying. Im tired of this feeling and I need it to be over. I need to run away with the chance I have in front of me yet I cant get get him off my mind. I am so scared to give a fuck about anyone else again cuz at least with Kevin I expect to get hurt and I expect to cry and rarely laugh and never with him by my side. I dunno how to accept the idea of someone wanting to be here for me and my daughter and its scary cuz when I lose all faith in Kevin and the life I imagined he says something that shows me in some strange way I matter and that he does think of our lil girl and wants to protect her from the bad people in the world. Only problem is thats never gonna be enough and I dont think hes ever really gonna be here so I have to get on with life. Some how some way I gotta get passed this and breathe without him and it breaks my heart in so many fucking ways cuz Im so afraid I will take away my lil girls daddy from her by doing so and I dont have that right yet if it were to happen then itd be by his choice not mine and its just not fucking fair that Im who feels the guilt of that and the burden of that pain. It really sucks being the mommy sometimes==Loving your kids enough to kill yourself is too much sometimes...
