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What are you waiting for?
Its 3am and once again I cant sleep and I wonder what lead me here alone in the dark. Sad part is Im far from alone. I have amazing friends who created the family I have around me but some how I feel empty everytime I feel my lil girl kicking inside me. Im holding on to something so tight that I am realizing isnt really there and using it as the way to run away from the world outside. Some how I judge the measure of my happiness on whether or not Kevin is around me in some form. A text or a pic. I havent heard his voice since the day he left back in January and it scares me that I cant remember it. If I ever had to describe it to our daughter I couldnt tell her. I look at the pictures and feel like Im dying. Im tired of this feeling and I need it to be over. I need to run away with the chance I have in front of me yet I cant get get him off my mind. I am so scared to give a fuck about anyone else again cuz at least with Kevin I expect to get hurt and I expect to cry and rarely laugh and never with him by my side. I dunno how to accept the idea of someone wanting to be here for me and my daughter and its scary cuz when I lose all faith in Kevin and the life I imagined he says something that shows me in some strange way I matter and that he does think of our lil girl and wants to protect her from the bad people in the world. Only problem is thats never gonna be enough and I dont think hes ever really gonna be here so I have to get on with life. Some how some way I gotta get passed this and breathe without him and it breaks my heart in so many fucking ways cuz Im so afraid I will take away my lil girls daddy from her by doing so and I dont have that right yet if it were to happen then itd be by his choice not mine and its just not fucking fair that Im who feels the guilt of that and the burden of that pain. It really sucks being the mommy sometimes==Loving your kids enough to kill yourself is too much sometimes...
Who am I
To not know where I am going
To only know where I have been
And to not see the joy therein?
Who am I
To see only darkness
To not come into the light
To not see the beauty in life?
Who am I
To prove to others
What exactly I can be
Instead of first impressions?
Who am I
To not see me as me,
To see me as a former shell
Of myself?
Who am I
To let my choices and my self
Be overshadowed with sadness
In a relationship ended?
Who am I
To let someone dictate
How I feel
What my worth is?
Who am I,
To judge myself so poorly
To deem myself bad or unworthy
To hate myself so much?
Who am I
To know I am worthy
To know I am loving and loveable
To know I am my own true self?
And although it is difficult for me to see, in time
I will continue
I will survive
I will accept myself again
I will love again
And I will be loved again.
While this may take time:
Who am I?
I am me,
That is all,
And that is enough.
Sometimes love means
Knowing when something isn't working.
Painful as it is
It is far better to let go
Let loose
Before the love turns to something else.
Vile, evil thoughts
Blames, you did this or that
Recrimination, jealousy
Angry words and actions
Hate and rage and bitterness.
Sometimes love means
Letting go.
Loving someone enough
To look inside, to see past
The fear of being alone
The painful loneliness of coming home to no one but yourself.
To say that it has to end.
Not for your selfishness
But to save you both
From worse things in time.
Sometimes love means
To not only love the other
But to love yourself enough
To realize that
You have to have the strength
The will, and the power
To persevere,
To not give up and give in
To not say "come back, all is forgiven".
Sometimes love means
To be alone,
To have nobody
To live inside yourself
To continue with life
When all you feel is hurt.
And to be all right with that.
I want to be rid of every memory. Every second of the days I spent with you. Every kiss. Every embrace. Every stupid I love you because I cant live with and with out you. Yet you are apart of everything and what I am now. Every dream of your face staring back at mine but never seeing me, looking through me because I dont exist. Youve become my biggest fear when only weeks ago you were the only thing that calmed them. I keep waiting for this pain to stop so I can breathe. I dont know what was ever real cuz more and more you rob me of that. How did a year of my life become bullshit nothings and mean absolutely nothing? But every time I put my hand to my stomach and I feel this wave of relief wash over me and I remember how proud I am of being Rebel and Presleys mother and I know that for every lie and ever tear and every time you will break my heart theyll tape me back together. I can feel you every day and I hate it. I cant run away from facing the mistake I made in you. I cant deny we existed or that I love you or forget what it felt like in your arms at nite when youd whisper it in my ear. Some days are better than others but even thats a lie I guess. I just learn to put on the happy face alittle better. Its so hard to live with you in my life so completely when Im living every day completely without you. I wish it was different and that I could turn it off and let everything go. I miss laughing. I miss not cringing when Im touched simply because the hand isnt yours. I miss my fucked up little life before you saved it. I miss you and nothing will change that. Im sorry for all the things Ive said and all the things Ive done. Im sorry that I wouldnt change a thing. Im sorry that the only thing I want different about me is you and that while maybe the things you said to me werent honestly what you felt or meant but that to me it didnt make them untrue. Im sorry everything went away. But I thank you for not letting me forget. For making me remember and how I am some how better because of you. And thank you for making me love you
That I should likely be more paranoid of those who are paranoid of me.LoL I mean to a degree I am used to the normal baiting and hooking that most people do with me in attempts to either pull one over on me or get the upper hand.But when its done in a way that I realize what is being done and what the angle its kinda pointless. At that point Im clued in to the other person and thus put up my guard simply because if there is some reason a person doesnt trust me or thinks Im up to something then its very likely that they themselves are.Granted Im not gonna lie--90% of my life I usually have an agenda and I rarely care what or who gets in my way as long as in the end I am happy--Blame my fathers encouraging my Daddy's Girl mentality, thus inducing the self serving nature I tend to have. Granted, however, in some situations I really dont have agendas and do feel remorse or at the very least sympathy for people who dont deserve the nasty shit that happens to them.Yet it is usually that sympathy or remorse that leads to the other persons paranoid intent and their steadfast belief I am out to get them.If I didn't show sympathy I am beginning to believe people would trust me more simply because they would expect me to be a self serving bitch and know that 90% of the time I only care for my own amusement thus no angle just me simply being me.LoL Funny how that works--When I am actually not doing anything vindictive or malicious is when people trust me the least and are paranoid instead of when they really should be paranoid and worried cuz I am actively attempting to seek my own amusements despite the harm it may do to another person. People are stupid.
I have a Pattern. This Pattern has ruled my life for years it would seem. I have a Pattern of falling for men and a woman(love you Robin) that are incapible of ever truely being mine and mine alone. I fall for married men, engaged men, significantly attached men or men who just in general live far enough away as to they may as well belong to someone else anyways. Not to say that any of these people or the relationships were/are bad ones. In fact they are the best ones of my life. They have been the relationships that had the least bullshit, the most honesty and in general were the reasons I survived relatively emotionally intact this long.
These men I have loved. I have cried for and cried with. They were my best friends. Some where lovers. Some never did more than hold me. But each loved me with all they had and their devotion was complete. Granted for the most part save one or two relationships, every second I have had with them, every I love you, every desire and hope was stolen away from their partners. Women who were completely in the dark that I ever existed. Women who never knew the renewed joy these men found had nothing to do with them. I was both the devil and angel.
Maybe it was the desire to be loved with out the commitment of the every day that made it so easy. We got the best of eachother, never any of the bad. We filled the empty spaces with the intentions of forever, both of us knowing it was simply pipe dreams and pillow talk. We always agreed that they could never leave their women for me. Generally they needed my loves more than I did. They had families and children and homes and every day lives that I had no intention of interfering with. My morality does have some limits.
For me it only proved further that you cant help who you fall in love with or how many people you may love at once. I believe that you can be in love many times over in a lifetime.That soul mates are various and many. No matter how short lived these relationships have been or whatever ones have evolved into deep friendships they were all as real and honest as though I was their only love. Never did I feel like I shared a single minute with anyone else when I had been with them. I was their worlds.
But today I sat and thought about why I develope the unattainable relationships I do. It had occured to me that relationships where I was the first or the one and only failed horrifically and dramatically and ended on very bad terms. The relationships with forbidden men have never ended badly. Most of are still close friends, and a few have gone their own way for one reason or another but never with ill will. Fuck there are a few who's wives/girlfriends found out about me and in the end it saved their relationships and the women are now good friends of mine too. I forever tried to fix their marriages and relationships. It was important to me because even if they shared moments with me that was still the bulk of their lives and so it was the focus.
I believe its easy to fall in love with people that are otherwise taken or live far away because I know the limitations of those relationships. They don't lead to my forever and always. There will be no families or the house with the white picket fences in our future.It is entirely about the moment because there isnt a tomorrow. Rarely will I wake to their faces. Never will I hope to be more than an indulgement of ego and pride.There is no social outcasting because our relationships are private and truely between just us. Few people if anyone knew of these relationships. Maybe that is my lure. The understanding that it will be happy as long as it lasts and that because I went in knowing the limits I cant truely be hurt in the end.
Its a scary realization for myself to be having. Currently I am second and first in my own right and trying to please them and myself at once. I have a possiblity of a future, a lasting relationship and an honest and open one provided I can manage my damage. I would leave behind everything I have built for my life here in Vegas if and when it would be possible to start over else where for this chance. I hid behind fears and thats what gave me the Pattern I have. Fears that if a person was my world and I was theirs then they would leave me behind at some point like Nic and Jeremy did. It was a stupid and yet rational fear give my life and circumstance. Maybe this is all just childish and fairytale hopes but maybe its time to be my own little Cinderella and have the impossible.....Accept love and forever.
