Lucky Mija's blog: "Fuck This Shit!!"

I have a Pattern. This Pattern has ruled my life for years it would seem. I have a Pattern of falling for men and a woman(love you Robin) that are incapible of ever truely being mine and mine alone. I fall for married men, engaged men, significantly attached men or men who just in general live far enough away as to they may as well belong to someone else anyways. Not to say that any of these people or the relationships were/are bad ones. In fact they are the best ones of my life. They have been the relationships that had the least bullshit, the most honesty and in general were the reasons I survived relatively emotionally intact this long.

These men I have loved. I have cried for and cried with. They were my best friends. Some where lovers. Some never did more than hold me. But each loved me with all they had and their devotion was complete. Granted for the most part save one or two relationships, every second I have had with them, every I love you, every desire and hope was stolen away from their partners. Women who were completely in the dark that I ever existed. Women who never knew the renewed joy these men found had nothing to do with them. I was both the devil and angel.

Maybe it was the desire to be loved with out the commitment of the every day that made it so easy. We got the best of eachother, never any of the bad. We filled the empty spaces with the intentions of forever, both of us knowing it was simply pipe dreams and pillow talk. We always agreed that they could never leave their women for me. Generally they needed my loves more than I did. They had families and children and homes and every day lives that I had no intention of interfering with. My morality does have some limits.

For me it only proved further that you cant help who you fall in love with or how many people you may love at once. I believe that you can be in love many times over in a lifetime.That soul mates are various and many. No matter how short lived these relationships have been or whatever ones have evolved into deep friendships they were all as real and honest as though I was their only love. Never did I feel like I shared a single minute with anyone else when I had been with them. I was their worlds.

But today I sat and thought about why I develope the unattainable relationships I do. It had occured to me that relationships where I was the first or the one and only failed horrifically and dramatically and ended on very bad terms. The relationships with forbidden men have never ended badly. Most of are still close friends, and a few have gone their own way for one reason or another but never with ill will. Fuck there are a few who's wives/girlfriends found out about me and in the end it saved their relationships and the women are now good friends of mine too. I forever tried to fix their marriages and relationships. It was important to me because even if they shared moments with me that was still the bulk of their lives and so it was the focus.

I believe its easy to fall in love with people that are otherwise taken or live far away because I know the limitations of those relationships. They don't lead to my forever and always. There will be no families or the house with the white picket fences in our future.It is entirely about the moment because there isnt a tomorrow. Rarely will I wake to their faces. Never will I hope to be more than an indulgement of ego and pride.There is no social outcasting because our relationships are private and truely between just us. Few people if anyone knew of these relationships. Maybe that is my lure. The understanding that it will be happy as long as it lasts and that because I went in knowing the limits I cant truely be hurt in the end.

Its a scary realization for myself to be having. Currently I am second and first in my own right and trying to please them and myself at once. I have a possiblity of a future, a lasting relationship and an honest and open one provided I can manage my damage. I would leave behind everything I have built for my life here in Vegas if and when it would be possible to start over else where for this chance. I hid behind fears and thats what gave me the Pattern I have. Fears that if a person was my world and I was theirs then they would leave me behind at some point like Nic and Jeremy did. It was a stupid and yet rational fear give my life and circumstance. Maybe this is all just childish and fairytale hopes but maybe its time to be my own little Cinderella and have the impossible.....Accept love and forever.