Or at least I know I will be. Im in a bad spot I know this. The insanity that is my life and a baby on the way. But I have watched some of the strongest people I know overcome worse odds, some in just the last day even. I myself have been the breaker of odds my whole life. Some because other people were to stupid to not give up on my. Some because I was too stubborn to walk away or die. From the ruins have come my greatest joys. Emily. Nathan. Ivy. Even the children that I never held breathing. From those sorrows I know the depth of my own ablity to love and be happy and survive.
Some people say I need to just get over it and grow up. And I guess maybe from their perspective I should, by the worlds perspective. But it just shows me that they havent ever given into what it means to truely lose their world, their life, their love. I wish with all my heart I was able to let it all go. Yet I cant. I dont want to really. Its all I have left of my former self. The self that lived in an ignorant bliss. A world that didnt know pain and tears and depth of how worthless I was to other people who claimed to love me the most. My parents, my family, my lover, my partner, my soulmate. All these people have done the worst to me. Inflicted the worst types of cruel intentions. Im not saying I was innocent of causing my own wrongs Im just saying that those people took something away with the help of those they valued and loved more than they did me. They took my faith that I was worth loving. That I was a good person. That living for them, loving them was wrong and dirty somehow. Even now those people I still keep in my life because I am too much the fool to walk away. Even though they dont love me and use me I cant let them go. I want them happy and I want them content. Even though most of the time that comes at the cost of my own tears. Simply because the few times their smiles are for only me it gives me some sort of twisted peace. Sense of self that I once had. Most days all I hear from two of them is how wonderful she was. How much they love her. How much they hate me or how stupid I am or worthless. She only has loved them at one time or another the last few years-For me its been so much longer. No matter how they have thrown me away or hurt me or used me I love them to this day and I put myself in their path when ever they need me. Either she was strong enough to leave and not look back or she was too much a cynic to stay. Either way she never has to be haunted. Compared. She is their light and I am their darkness and from them came my children. Thus I believe the true reason I cant let them go. Why I cant get over it. I cant look at my childrens pictures and not remember. Not cry not hurt not wish we had meant more to them than she did. And in many ways its not fair or right I blame her but I cant blame them. That means Id have to accept that my children mean nothing. Are nothing in the eyes of their fathers and I cant ever do that. Thats not good enough. If she had never come around it may not have changed anything, I still would have lost them but to different women, Not the same one. Its hard enough to lose the people who hold parts of your heart, Its unbarable to lose them both to the same person. To realize one woman beat you twice, that she was worth turing their backs on years of history and any reconition of their children.
My parents chose themselves or their vices or their spouses over me. They gave up on me before I ever needed to be saved. My family well I dont even know them cuz they say I am too broken and that I lost the ability to love and all my humanity along time ago and cant be fixed. Irony huh--I cry and live and hurt and laugh but Im just a shell supposedly-A Michael Meyers of sorts only Im able to hide in polite society. I can see that execpt they think I hurt and destoy other peoples lives and the only hack actions Ive ever done were to myself.
Now my soulmate she is the only one who redeemed herself time and time again. We still both hurt eachother often it seems but we have always found our way back. We will never share a life of tradional means, not even in an alternative style. She walks this life with another and I struggle through a throng of others but there is apart that is simply mine thats kept for only me. And I couldnt ask for more than that, She is my best friend and thats worth everything.
I have very little in this life. A room. A few pictures. A few friends. Some clothes. But I have something more than most people. I have a love and an understanding of what that means more than most people ever will. I have learned to not even take for granted the emotion and experience of a broken heart full of shattered dreams. That in and of itself is a gift same as every moment and experience of life. I know the joys I have had even in my lowest points. I know that to some people in the chaotic mazes of their fragments of self I have been the light that has gotten them through even after I have hurt and destroyed the trust of love between us. I may not be the brightest light or the best person but I am sometimes the only thing they got. Thats love. A complete sacrifice of self and knowing and surrendering to whatever is needed to save some part of someone else. I have given and recieved that kind of love and it hit me today that its more than enough to be happy for. That this life is my own and enough to be happy about. I dont care from what or from who this child came from-Its mine and its a chance and a hope and piece of the faith I was losing. I may have to make ammends to many people in this life still and some over this but for once I am not backing down or letting those who want to hurt me take from me the joy of this life. Not again. Not now. Not ever. So I think I am happy...Or at least getting there.
