To most of you, you see me on here and really have no clue to anything about me, you know the things that you've read on my profile...and what I make my profile to be, but actually knowing me, no one really does.
Let me first start off by saying that I am a hella huge music supporter! I believe that music is a true and uncensored form of self expression. With that said...I believe in expressing myself through the music I listen to, or associate with. Most question why I have chosen a band like Evanescence to 'represent me' well it's like this. I love the music first off, secondly I am totally 110% in love with Amy, even tho she has a man, I bet I could take him, LOL. But I haven't heard a band that puts so much into something...that prides its self with the act such as Amy does. For most you have no idea who Amy is..she's the lead singer. Simply put, I think society should take another look at beauty...and then take a look at Amy, shes by far, and bar none the most beautiful woman I have laid eyes on. Not because of her looks, but mostly because of her style, and personality. She's a lot like me in the respect of not giving a 'shit'. She doesn't care what others think, yet at the same time, she listens to see what people are saying about her. True greatness is knowing that you have nothing to lose when everything's at stake. When she called John to fire him, she didn't give a shit what people thought, she was going to do what SHE wanted to do. Another reason I love her she is HER OWN WOMAN, she doesn't allow others to play her, and walk all over her like many others do. I'm not saying that's a bad thing, it's your life, live it how you wanna. But for me, this is the one that I've chosen. I for one am seriously considering a career change....I don't know to what, depends one how and what this year holds for me. I will start guitar lessons in the fall, learning to play ALL OF EVANSCENCE's songs, and a few others. But I will focus on them because again I can mostly relate to what they are saying.
For example...Take the song Everyboy's Fool....the point behind that is that by being famous, you sight and value of what you find in life. That you are an icon of "self indulgence" and I for one honestly believe that. Anymore in the world today, it's like it's who you know, and who you've fucked to get to where you are at. I don't think that's the case...I think you can be a senseable person and still toe the line persay. Amy is an example of that, she is totally amazing in the fact that she isn't focused on herself, rather other people, and those around her. To me it takes a stronger person to stand up and say, "Look, I am who I am, and if you don't like me for that then fuck off." point blank that's what she's said. I have read many news reports, I have read things from family, and friends...basically anything I can get my hands on I've read. I want to know this band inside and out. But most of all, I want to see how Amy relates to me, and how I feel. You can like music, you can be a fan of a band, you can like the members of the band, but to truely understand what makes the band, the people, and the emotions, you have to RELATE to them. You just simply say, "I like this song because it is me." Okay, that's really nice, but WHY? Why does this song relate to you? How does this song relate to you? Some people will say I don't know, others will tell you "it just does," yet still the assholes like me, will tell you word for word how it does. I can tell you that damn near everysong I have for them I can relate to in some form or another.
With that said, let's take....ummm let me see.....humm....what would be a good song....Tourniquet...Hell of a song, I can STRONGLY relate to this one. For the simple fact that it talks about, yet is not directly related to suicide. Comeon, I know all at one point or another have thought about it. I know have...This song simply tells the story...that she's in essence 'coming undone.' The song talks about her 'God' her tourniquet, to return her to salvation...that her soul cries for 'deleverence' not so much what it's saying but to what it is saying. "I've tried to kill my pain, but only bled more, I ain't dying, but I am pouring crimson regret and betrayal, I'm dying, I'm praying, bleeding, and screaming, am I too lost to be saved, my god my tourniquet, return to me salvation." Yeah tht speaks scores to me...tells me that no matter what I do, it's never good enough, that no matter what I do to prevent it from doing that....it doesn't matter, because it's never good enough. Pretty much the story of my life, never been good enough for anyone, never been good enough for anything. Sometimes I wish I could return to salvation...but I don't know. Sometimes I think that if I ended it, would it infact be better for me? Then I think "Will I be denied...Christ...my God...my Tourniquet..." Sometimes People can't really understand things, parts of this song contridict each other....then again some parts don't. The part that you don't hear, unless you are listening to the album song...not the one on the radio...she says "I WANT TO DIE." At times, I wonder if that's how I honestly feel and don't want to admit it.....or that I am being self centered. I honestly don't know sometimes....Sometimes it's just one of those things....my wounds cry for the grave...will I be denied...christ...my tourniquet....my suicide. A part of me only wonders what if, yet another part of me says do it, and still another part of me says don't. Yeah all sorts of confused. Yeah that's what depression will do to you, coupled with something else, it's almost a cry for help in its self....rest assured my therapist says that it is normal for me to feel this way. I speak like it's okay, it's not, but it's what i know...I know what it's like, I have been there, done that, and been brought back. I have seen things that defy and type of religious belief there is. I am not a very religious person, I guess that's why the dark side screams out to me, makes me feel welcomed....then again, to an extent it doesn't. Morbid, yes......a danger, no. I know the limits, and I toe the line toughtly....sometimes too hard. But I'm okay, I am just opening up, and relating to how one song can effect my moods...my thoughts, and things like that...for you it could be totally different. I will say this you have to know yourself pretty damn well to know anything at all. And for someone to tell you what I just told you....I think I know myself, the psychological, and physiological parts are there, they click, that tells me that I'm keeping myself in check. Yeah it's a hard process...in other words your head, heart, and gut all agree with that you're doing. Call me crazy...wait....don't....unless you think I am...then we should talk....then again...maybe I like being crazy...that means that I can identify with where you're coming from....because you are crazy too! Anyhow, take this for what it's worth, I get in these moods sometimes, and just start writing....I"ll read this in the morning after a few hours of sleep, and be like what the hell was I thinkin? But it's truely how I feel. I can't help that I feel that way, I know it's not normal...but for me to feel that way is normal...trust me, it is. Once you live your life in pain, it makes you see that your life is pain, and that you have to be stronger to over come things...be better at what you do....I don't keep many people close....that usually tends to be a bad thing...as something I tell them, they turn around and use on me when they get mad...so I just don't let anyone get too close....when I start to open up and talk about my son...you'll see what I mean. I feel like I am bleeding....that I'm lost...sometimes too lost to be saved....when all I want is salvation. Sometimes asking something....greater then you...to take pitty in you, and spare you the senseless crap is too much to ask. So insted you just become lost....and distant, until you can't take it anymore, then you have no idea what to do. So you end up writing like I did. If I have offended you, or made you think differently about me, I am sorry.....but from time to time I will get in these moods, just roll with it. This blog will only be open to friends and family, so if you wish to copy and paste it, please ask me first. I hope this at least opens another door for you to understand me, and how music shapes me. If not, hang on, I'll be in another mood and will write then. Have a good night. ~~MATT~~
