I spend a lot of time talking to people on here. I listen to problems; I offer advice. I'm the sarcastic and often disgustingly optimistic voice at the other end of the 'net, telling you everything's going to be okay. And sometimes that makes people think that I don't get depressed.
Well, people, I'm here to say... I get depressed. I usually get pissed off at myself shortly afterwards, because my life is pretty kickass in comparison to most people's lives. But, still, I have my moments.
'cuz being single at this point in my life was NOT in my plan... and I am a planner, people. I was supposed to be living in that four-bedroom suburban house now, with at least one kid. Dealing with all of the problems, and joys, that come with that type of life. And I was supposed to have someone to share that life with. I'm a loving, affectionate person, and right now I don't have anyone to lavish that affection on.
Instead I'm looking ahead to a future with no shared laughter, kisses, or cuddles (and regular sex would be nice). If I want that child, I'm adopting and going the single parent route. Otherwise, I'm living alone, lavishing affection on my adorable nephews and going home to my own empty (except for needy cats) house.
Sure, OK, I have a whole house to myself. I never have to share the computer, the remote. I can eat when I want. I don't have to budget my money. I can cook whatever I want. I could sleep with whomever I wanted... if I could find someone I actually wanted to sleep with! And I'm driving a really kickass (fun, impractical) car. And if I don't have that "special someone," I do at least have people who like me, love me, and support me.
But, still, there are nights when the loneliness sets in. When my house, and my life, seem empty. And when I long for that "other side of the fence."
So sue me. I'm human. Don't worry -- I'll be back to normal in the morning, and I'll pat your back and tell you all that everything's going to be okay. But tonight, maybe I'll let myself sniffle a little for the life that I expected to have, and don't.
