Owl's blog: "Life as a Freakonature"

June 18, 2009, will mark my three-year anniversary of being a member of this site. During this time, I've made friends, had encounters, run into old friends, and gotten a good look and the ins-and-outs of what Fubar, in whatever shape, form or name, has had to offer. Recent events, however,  have made me ask myself whether or not what I'm getting out of this is worth what I'm putting into it.

Initially, when I was putting this blog together, I thought about writing how being a bouncer has changed my outlook on the site's progress. I am not going to turn this into a "Bouncer is a Thankless Job" article. Instead, I'm going to take a more generalized approach, since a lot of my thoughts seem to be more related to how I'm interacting with people - friends and strangers alike.

A recent conversation with a member (who turned out later to have feelings for me) went awry. I made the mistake of going to Yahoo chat and uttering the four worst words known to mankind: "Hi, how are you?"

She responded with a simple "OK." No "And yourself?", no "How was your day?", no "I'm busy, screw off," but just an "OK."

It bothered me at first. Just 24 hours earlier, she was complaining to me in my shoutbox about how we always fight when we talk... even though we rarely talk anymore. I spent a lot of energy trying to convince her that we were friends, I harbored no ill will towards her, and I wasn't willing to drop her like a bad habit that quickly. She seemed disinterested in having a normal conversation, but rather, she was in the mood to pick a fight.

After five minutes or so of silence, I finally decided I was going to let her heal from whatever perceived wound I'd caused her and leave her alone. I said, "Nice talking to you," followed by "At least I can't say I didn't try."

This opened the floodgates. Apparently she was watching what she said because she was absolutely sure that something she said was going to trigger a fight. She didn't even try to be civil.

I closed my chat window with her and logged off.

I don't put all of the blame on her. At one point, I was the hardest man on Fubar to get along with. I wasn't happy in my own skin, and I was lonely in an unfamiliar environment, to boot. No one who spoke to me lived within 200 miles of me, and I spent a lot of time physically alone (at home, at work, etc.). I lashed out and cost myself lots of friends.

I thought I'd changed enough after a while... after being conscious about how my words could be perceived in a medium where tone of voice is not a factor. I chose my own words carefully from that point on, and maybe even took things to an extreme to make sure I didn't hurt anyone else (including an attempt to treat everyone on Fubar as though they were customers and clients, but not friends). This, of course, did not give the greatest result, either; the majority of the members who stuck by me while I was drowning in a pool of misery eventually cut ties, too.

It's hard to find a happy medium. It's harder when each time you try something new, you cause more harm than good.

It's affecting my well-being in more ways than one. I would probably be a lot happier if I knew that I could stay in one of these friendships without risking hurting the other party. It would be great if people recognized I was trying to be civil. I would absolutely love it if I could get through one of these things without worrying about how damaged I'd be as part of the outcome.

The risk, alas, sometimes isn't worth the reward. However, thankfully, the modifier is the word "sometimes." People manage to maintain great friendships on Fubar.

I'm still learning.