Written in response to this blog on what internet dating is like for a man.
Since he's outlined what it's like to date on the internet as a man, I thought I'd talk about what, exactly, it's like to date as a perfectly average woman on the internet.
Outgoing Messages: If you ever made any attempt to contact guys on dating sites, you quickly gave it up, as you receive no responses whatsoever. Not even an "I'm not interested." Whether guys think you're overly bold, or guys think you're unattractive, or whatever -- the response rate is basically zero. So you end up reverting back to passivity.
Incoming Messages: The majority of messages you receive from men are idiotic or downright offensive. They can be broken down into several categories (obviously some fit into more than one):
- Mildly offensive: Usually they start with some variation of "u r so hot." In many cases, they are a blatant come-on. In probably 75% of the mail I receive, I have no desire to ever go out with the guy because it's obvious there's nothing about me that interests him other than the fact that I'm a woman and I might put out.
- Obviously haven't read profile: I get some email from people who obviously haven't read my profile. Either they ask me questions that are answered in my profile, or there are obvious dissimilarities that make us clearly incompatible. For example, anyone that talks about their deep involvement in the church and contacts me probably has not read my profile.
- Geographically undesirable: I'm sure all of those Muslim men in the Middle East are great guys, but I wouldn't date anyone more than 100 miles from me, let alone in another country. There are a lot of wonderful guys that are simply too far away. I've done long-distance dating. It sucks.
- Undesirable age: Probably 75% of the email and IMs I receive are from guys age 18-23. I'm sure some of them are great guys, but let's face it -- they're not looking for a romantic relationship with someone my age. They're lookin' to get laid, even if they're polite about it. Older chicks are trendy, I guess. I also receive a lot of email from men over 50. Again, same problem -- I don't see a lot of romantic compatibility there, especially considering most of my friends, and interests, skew younger.
- Married: I get a lot of email from married guys looking to cheat. I personally find this offensive.
For the record, I respond to all non-spammers that don't downright offend me. I may say "I'm sorry, I do not think we'd suit" but I do respond.
About half the time, I do not ever hear back from those I send positive responses to. They took the time to write an initial email that hooked my attention, but when I respond positively... nothing. However, if he does respond, then begins the initial weeding-out period. We talk online for a bit. In most cases, the conversation limps along and it's obvious that we don't have enough in common to really carry on a decent conversation. Often he's incredibly needy right away. In the first conversation, any guy that says "I so want to be your boyfriend" prompts in me an immediate desire to flee. I also often run into people with whom I simply cannot see a relationship working. We don't have anything in common, or I don't see how our life choices would be compatible (unemployed guys living with their mothers, for example).
But once in awhile there's someone cool! Exciting! Conversation flows well! Unfortunately, often this is where I encounter what I call the "Enthuse and Run." We'll have long conversations for days to weeks then... nothing. He doesn't come online. He doesn't respond to emails or IMs. He's dropped off the face of the planet. This particular phenomenon is the most discouraging of all, because I've allowed myself to get interested and involved and even the teensiest bit enthusiastic, then WHAM!
From there, of course, it goes pretty much the same way for both men and women. The meeting up in real life. If that goes well, which it often doesn't, the expression of desire to do it again... which most of the time results in nothing. I haven't actually gotten past a second date with anyone from the internet, so I can't speak for the rest of the process.
