its this mountain or
its this molehill or
it is what it is and im not exactly sure what it is.
yes. ill take that last one
final answer and everything
maybe peoples timelines in their lifetime are the same on certain lines and thats why certain paeople are drawn toward each other and remain friends thru hell and highwater. i dont know.
what i do know is this.
where she is now is eerily similar to a place i was such a time ago id almost forgotten.
maybe her line and my line are exactly where they're sposed to be so that she could have someone who almost completely understands and i could purge while remembering the good and exactly how i felt. i say 'almost' cuz hardly anything is identical.
it just seems lately all my lines are crossing someone elses lines so that i have some insight into their situation and while this is an incredibly good and enlightening thing, it also leaves me feeling...odd man out...if only cuz it feels like there isnt someone ahead me on my line. someones who's been in an eerily similar situation. maybe they have and they're just not telling...which is their right. i suppose im just tired...tired of feeling like the pioneer. no matter how right or wrong i might be.
once upon a time i thought love was being treated like a piece of furniture and completely ignored only to be berated and other such things which made me lose my me. my edge. and a part of me died. til i said 'when'. yes. thats her line over there.
once upon a time i fell utterly and completely head over heels in love with a man i hadnt met yet and when we did meet...it was as if i had the other half of me and was finally complete. yes. thats her line over there. whether she knows it or not...it is.
once upon a time i was terrified of every noise and movement in the dark and worried i would never be the same while striding toward determination to refind me while also trying to fill a void while telling myself i wouldnt do it...and doing it. yes. thats her line over there.
ok so. i left the mean man. i refound me. i stopped relationship jumping. the other half of me who knew me better than i knew myself ripped my heart out thru my bowels without a single word...and im here...trying to pick up the pieces of me...and wheres my line? wheres my pioneer.
my pioneer doesnt even have to have a happy ending. its just theres this inner need to know someones been there. actually there. not that i dont appreciate the listening ears and shoulders of my incredible support system of friends who in my heart are family...its just...
my brain and my heart argue. and my brain wont let my heart cry anymore and my heart is used to getting its way. its used to crying until theres nothing left to cry and then picking up the pieces. yet my brain fired my heart. and said your ways sucks ass we're doing it this way now. and this way takes much longer and hurts much more than my heart thinks it should. maybe its sposed to hurt this much. i dont know why...but maybe its a reminder? of what? to not trust? to not give? to not believe? thats the antipathy of the un-me...maybe thats a good thing.
maybe the she and i line is cuz she holds back too much and i release too much and we're sposed to find the medium together?
i dont want cliches. i dont want i dont knows. i want someone whos been there. to tell me the truth about how long and how hard it is. so i dont feel so utterly and completely alone. as i do at this particular moment.
yet i know.
i wont be firing my brain...and i wont be holding my breath anytime soon.
it would be nice if...different meant different instead of really all the same in a roundabout way which doesnt really matter if the end result is...well this.
i dont know if i have any faith left in me for 'different'
maybe solitude is the best bet.
from here til eternity or something stupid like that...cept...solitude and i...while we cross paths and enjoy each others company...just arent meant to be for long periods of time...its just...not me...i dont know.
God only knows...and right here? right now?
He's just not telling...me at least.
