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To be able to see clearly, and precisely what's in front of and around you can be one of those great attributes that helps a person survive, persevere, grow, and basically navigate through this crazy world we live in. That vision can be such a blessing, especially when surrounded by so many who just can't see things that well. To process those images quickly and efficiently puts you at an advantage in most situations you may find yourself in, good or bad.
However, that vision forces you to see so much that you don't want to, or can't handle. And I don't mean just the images of the world. I mean actual perception. Seeing through bullshit, fronts and facades, manipulation and lies, schemes and plots. Seeing things for what they are, and what they mean, can turn you into a cold-hearted, untrusting human being.
I really don't wanna be that person. But I've been cursed with this sense of deep perception. My ability to just objectively observe, without letting my own opinion or prejudices taint or skew what's actually there. So many times, I've noticed all the lies and bullshit that people close to me, near and dear to my heart, right in front of my eyes. So many failed or terminated relationships. So many people putting on a "show" for me, so they can be the person they want to be or what they want others to think they are, and they're just not that person. So many times I've called out individuals on their shit, and watch whatever friendship or commitment slowly crumble and crash.
So what do you do when that seems to be the inevitable case? Well, in my life, I've let a lot of shit just slide without a word of protest. Enabled so many to lead false lives, delusional tales of strong character, good nature, solid morals, and virtuous hearts and souls. While sitting there KNOWING that what they're doing in front of me, or what they're telling me is just a bold-faced lie. But is being that good friend exposing their con? I mean, so many people in my life, past and present, have lied to me, and have no good reason to do it! There is no inherent benefit in misleading me with whatever story I'm being told.
I've done a lot to become a non-judgmental person. Hell, I've done enough dirt in my short time on Earth, I have no reason judging others on whatever dirt they do. However, I don't put on a front about it. I've accepted the bad things I've done, and will do during my life. But so many won't look at it that way. I believe that most of the times, a majority of these individuals are trying their best to convince themselves they are who they say they are. That they are doing the right things, making the right decisions, being upstanding and noble. But end up in a pit of self-loathing and fear of exposure, that they can't even keep most of their fables straight.
And when most that truly know me, who know that I have a good sense of reading "between the lines", they still continue to fudge things, but instead of telling the whole story, they give misleading and fragmented bits and pieces, throwing me off the trail. But the funny thing about that is I'm also good at math. When things don't add up, I look back at the variables, and put in the right "numbers", until it does add up. And end up disappointed knowing the answers....
So where does that put me? In distant forms or shells of friendships and relationships, letting those who fib here and there, continue to put on the show. And I know it's wrong at times, and lots of times purely fucked up, but what's the alternative. I'm already a loner, don't have many people that are close to me that I can trust. I end up being more alone. And the sad fact of it, I guess I already am. My vision won't allow me to see it any other way. But I take a lot inside and bury it. Maybe I'm being the bigger person by letting others get by here and there with it, to keep their sanity. To develop some sense of trusting me that I won't judge them. Maybe one day some of these people will come out and say what's really real. Who knows?
Maybe I just wanna be lied to sometimes. The truth and reality can be harsh. And to be pelted with it on a daily basis can be nerve-wracking. Maybe things aren't that black and white. The hues and tones are a multicolored prism for the eyes to take in. However, bullshit seems to always have the same color to me. And I see it way too often. Guess it's just a curse (or gift) that I'll take to my grave....
Guess I felt like writing, or venting, however you want to view it. It's been awhile since I "blogged", so I guess I'll start writing about what's been on my mind lately.
I'll be 35 this year, and in my 30-some odd years on this earth, I have experienced a lot. More than most have. And on a daily basis, I'm amazed on what I continue to learn about this world, even more about what I learn of myself. I've been to every state in the lower continental US, Canada, and Mexico. I've held about 20 jobs, and have quit 19 of em lol. I've met almost every type of culture, race, religious affiliation and creed, and still find more to learn.
I've always been a person who strives to know more, even though the more shit I learn, the more depressed I get about the world I live in lol. I feel that I do have a vast amount of insight and knowledge that helps me socialize with all types, but still find myself being a rather cynnical and sarcastic asshole. Most times, it's a reflex. I don't even notice how I act or respond to others until long afterwards. And as much as I find no problem admitting I'm wrong and owning up to it, I do find it rather difficult to apologize. Which has strained or ended a lot of relationships in my life.
As much as I love to "chat", and meet and continue to converse with many folks, I am horrible at "keeping in touch". It's not that I get bored, it's just that my brain moves at light speed at times, and I lose focus or attention of those who seem to "keep tabs" on me.
I'm a rather empathetic person. I do feel others pain and melancholy, and seem to relate to a lot when they're going through issues, especially women. I was raised by mostly women. Never met or have known my father, and I do seem to have a rather blahzay attitude towards the male gender. I relate to women better. Not even the sexuality or sensuality is a factor. I just socialize better with women. Hell, I might even be a great gay man, if I was actually attracted to men lol. But even though I relate to women better, most of my issues with socializing are with the fairer sex.
I'm handcuffed by rationality and common sense. However, when it comes to me, or how I think and act, I'm an extremely "abstract" soul. Lots of things just don't make sense to me, but if you give me time, I can see the reasoning behind it. Just seems that during that time, I'm being my "asshole" self, which starts a lot of drama and spats, which is par for the course, but I do admit, it is a major flaw of mine, which I need to work on.
And that's just it. I have a lot of shit to work on when it comes to myself, my character. Sad part of it, I don't notice it until it's "too late", which I guess I have to work on timing. I feel at times that I'm doomed to be a lone soul, even though no man is an island. But if I'm not an island, I'm an archipelago lol. And if many don't want to make that "journey" out to me, I understand. If the trip ain't worth making, don't take it. I wouldn't.
Again, I'm just rambling, thoughts that race through my mind as my fingers seem to meander across the keyboard tyring to put fragmented ideas together into a makeshift tapestry that probably doesn't make sense, but tells part of my story. I'll end it here for now...
