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To be able to see clearly, and precisely what's in front of and around you can be one of those great attributes that helps a person survive, persevere, grow, and basically navigate through this crazy world we live in. That vision can be such a blessing, especially when surrounded by so many who just can't see things that well. To process those images quickly and efficiently puts you at an advantage in most situations you may find yourself in, good or bad.
However, that vision forces you to see so much that you don't want to, or can't handle. And I don't mean just the images of the world. I mean actual perception. Seeing through bullshit, fronts and facades, manipulation and lies, schemes and plots. Seeing things for what they are, and what they mean, can turn you into a cold-hearted, untrusting human being.
I really don't wanna be that person. But I've been cursed with this sense of deep perception. My ability to just objectively observe, without letting my own opinion or prejudices taint or skew what's actually there. So many times, I've noticed all the lies and bullshit that people close to me, near and dear to my heart, right in front of my eyes. So many failed or terminated relationships. So many people putting on a "show" for me, so they can be the person they want to be or what they want others to think they are, and they're just not that person. So many times I've called out individuals on their shit, and watch whatever friendship or commitment slowly crumble and crash.
So what do you do when that seems to be the inevitable case? Well, in my life, I've let a lot of shit just slide without a word of protest. Enabled so many to lead false lives, delusional tales of strong character, good nature, solid morals, and virtuous hearts and souls. While sitting there KNOWING that what they're doing in front of me, or what they're telling me is just a bold-faced lie. But is being that good friend exposing their con? I mean, so many people in my life, past and present, have lied to me, and have no good reason to do it! There is no inherent benefit in misleading me with whatever story I'm being told.
I've done a lot to become a non-judgmental person. Hell, I've done enough dirt in my short time on Earth, I have no reason judging others on whatever dirt they do. However, I don't put on a front about it. I've accepted the bad things I've done, and will do during my life. But so many won't look at it that way. I believe that most of the times, a majority of these individuals are trying their best to convince themselves they are who they say they are. That they are doing the right things, making the right decisions, being upstanding and noble. But end up in a pit of self-loathing and fear of exposure, that they can't even keep most of their fables straight.
And when most that truly know me, who know that I have a good sense of reading "between the lines", they still continue to fudge things, but instead of telling the whole story, they give misleading and fragmented bits and pieces, throwing me off the trail. But the funny thing about that is I'm also good at math. When things don't add up, I look back at the variables, and put in the right "numbers", until it does add up. And end up disappointed knowing the answers....
So where does that put me? In distant forms or shells of friendships and relationships, letting those who fib here and there, continue to put on the show. And I know it's wrong at times, and lots of times purely fucked up, but what's the alternative. I'm already a loner, don't have many people that are close to me that I can trust. I end up being more alone. And the sad fact of it, I guess I already am. My vision won't allow me to see it any other way. But I take a lot inside and bury it. Maybe I'm being the bigger person by letting others get by here and there with it, to keep their sanity. To develop some sense of trusting me that I won't judge them. Maybe one day some of these people will come out and say what's really real. Who knows?
Maybe I just wanna be lied to sometimes. The truth and reality can be harsh. And to be pelted with it on a daily basis can be nerve-wracking. Maybe things aren't that black and white. The hues and tones are a multicolored prism for the eyes to take in. However, bullshit seems to always have the same color to me. And I see it way too often. Guess it's just a curse (or gift) that I'll take to my grave....
