yup..thats me..standing alone in the kitchen after everyone is asleep..eatin my "dinner" over the sink.. what a sad sack I am. As I stood there picking at the cold noodels i began to ponder my life..my existance. I sometimes wonder what the fuck have i done with my life? I am trapped in an insane and mundane existance... I am so ready for a change its pitifull.. But I haven't a clue where to go. I have often thought of moving far far awsy where no one knows me and i can start over with a clean slate. England.. Ireland.. Canada?
But as i have never been out of the states..whats to say i will have any better luck in these locations? They say you can't run from your problems..that they just follow you. But i feel like i never get a real chance to fix them. I try and everything always just blows up in my face. I find myself resorting to burying my self in a foggy fantasy. One where i am happy.. cared for.. loved. One where i can be the person I want to be. Not this silly woman waiting on someone else to ghange things for her. I know its all up to me. To make a better life for me and my kids. I want to be away from the scrutiny of my family's eyes. To run far away from those who keep hurting me over and over.
I want to go back to school..but not real sure what for..
I stay in this house everyday..hiding from the world around me.... I know i need to get rid of the giant monkey on my back first if i am gonna ever get anywhere. He is my biggest mistake. I had a life and was going somewhere with it... and i let this peice of worthless matter suck me in and ruin me. But no more... 30 days and counting .. 30 days... please i don't think i can hold out for any longer than 30 days.
tax time..take the money..get a divorce.. take a vacation..alone.. no kids ..just me.. find myself again.. I have mentally begun the journey already.. but i am at a stall with him still here.. trying to dominate my every move. Trying his damnest to make me feel inferrior. To him..please.. what a joke.. he is a nobody.. he will never go anywhere or be anyone of signifigant knowng.. and as long as i am with him..neither wil I.
I heard a joke the other day.. and its my new mantra.
Do you know why divorces cost so much???...... because they are woth it!!!
giggles
amen willie..amen
As a side note...lmao... as far as my new infatuation,, i am still very cautios... I am still very confused on his intentions.. i know mine.. but i am wary of his. I want to beleive he wants me as i want him.. but you never really know. it's all a leap of faith i guess. So leap on .. hear i go ... what else do i have to loose.. nothing.. what do i have to gain?...possibility.. and right now thats enough for me....And beside..what do i have to feel guilty about.. i am just talking to someone..yes i am emotionally attached..but i am not fucking every guy i can get my legs around.. like he does with every whore in the state... i don't even really care anymore.. i don't care what he thinks.. i don't feel guilty..and i won't..ever!!!
