My young friend Jeremy recently had a revelation. "Women want sex as much as men!" While that is, in many cases, very true, things are still different for many women than for many men. (Disclaimer that all of the following applies to me and other women I know, but nothing I write is ever intended to cover the broad spectrum of human behavior and attitude. On top of that, of course a lot of what I say here about many women also applies to some men as well.)
The pitfalls of the booty call or friends with benefits relationship have been on my mind lately. While I was on vacation, I found an old Cosmo in my aunt's cottage and got absorbed in it. (Wonder what it says about me that I find more fodder for journaling in Cosmo and Vogue than in my favorite feminist magazine, Bust.) One interesting article was "When Booty Calls Make You Blue." And a frequently discussed issue on Fubar is "Why don't women like casual sex as much as men," so it's an issue I've thought a bit about. In addition, I frequently run into guys with severely different ideas of "friends with benefits" than I have. (Calling someone when you're horny, coming over for sex, then leaving is a booty call, not friends with benefits. Talking to someone about sex, and only sex, doesn't make you a "friend." It makes you boring. At least to me.) On top of that, I ended a relationship a few months ago that was too much a booty call and not enough of friendship for me, and I've tried to express to the guy in question why, exactly, it didn't work for me.
So here it is, some of what came out of my brain upon reading Cosmo:
For many women, consistent sex means your brain goes into relationship mode. That means that subconsciously you start thinking you're going to get non-sexual interest in your life. Emotional support. Friendship. Curiosity about something in her life other than "are you horny?" But for guys, consistent sex is mostly just that -- convenient sex. If he wanted a girlfriend, he'd be dating you, not just, well, screwing you. Now, guys, you're probably wondering why her brain goes into relationship mode. Well, it just does.
There's also that internal battle -- the constant "Madonna/whore" issue. Many men still think that women in touch with their sexuality are whores, and treat them as such. They are expected to have no discrimination, taste, or boundaries, and if they turn a guy down, or don't want to continue a relationship, things get nasty. Plus, if you're in touch with your sexuality, and you're open to sleeping with the guy on a friendship basis, he subconsciously thinks you're not girlfriend material because of that. I imagine some of the people who are reading this journal are subconsciously thinking "whore," even if they won't admit it to themselves. A few of the rest are thinking, "Whore... so, I bet she'd sleep with me." (Again, women in touch with their sexuality are expected to have no discrimination and taste.)
Plus - women don't necessarily get into sexual relationships for the sex and the sex alone. A lot of women crave intimacy just as much as the sex. Not that sex isn't great -- they just want the cuddling, the hugging, the kissing, and the feeling of togetherness as well. The problem is -- in the end, sex without that intimacy, or much of it anyway, is ultimately not fulfilling what the woman is really looking for. As Cosmo says, "After a while, hooking up with your sex buddy can start to seem pointless and mechanical. It's like eating a giant piece of cake. It tastes amazing for several bites, but when you're finished, you wish you could take it back." At this point, my friend D would be saying, "Why can't you just enjoy the sex for what it is -- a lot of fun. When it happens, it happens, and when you don't hook up for awhile, no biggee." Well, sometimes people just don't work that way. Sometimes they're greedy. :)
On top of that, the woman may start feeling used. I mean, she's getting hers, too, but the initial confidence boost of "he finds me sexy" may wear off into "but why doesn't he like me for more?" Over time, the fact that the guy doesn't want a real relationship -- only sex -- can wear on the self-esteem. It's nice to feel sexy, but that's not all there is to anyone. A lot of women have fought very hard for the right to a fulfilling life, and she may view settling for sex as simply that - settling.
Of course, there's also the danger of starting to romantically like your booty call partner. And in all likelihood, he's thinking of you only as a sex partner while he's shopping around for a "real girlfriend," and you'll only get hurt if you try to take the relationship where you'd prefer it go.
Booty calls also are a danger to finding another relationship. If a woman has a consistent healthy sexual relationship going on, she may stop putting out the "availability" signals she would typically be putting out if she weren't sexually satiated. Not only that, but emotional walls built up to protect her from getting hurt in her booty call relationship may also prevent her from being as open to romantic possibilities.
So, how do you feel about all of this? Does it make sense? Do you agree? Disagree?
