Konichiwah Muhfukkas!
It's been a long time/
I shouldn't have left you/
Without a dope blog to step to!/
Damn!! That was kind of dope!!
My freestyle is off the heezy-fa-sheezy!!
As evidenced by my dope ass rhymes in the blogger freestyles across the 'net!!
Ok, so that rhyme above wasn't a freestyle….
I bit like a bucktoothed billy goat, or a certain toupee wearing sportscaster for the NY Knicks with a penchant for roungh sex and womens underwear....or better yet.....a certain deceased funk musician who rocked the chrochet braids, kidnapped white chicks and called himself a super freak as you surely know, but the intro was so appropriate nonetheless.
I gets my Rakim on
Sooooo…..
What the fuck has been up 'round this bitch???
DUDE!! I been waiting on Spring for soooo long!!
memphis had a miserable two weeks of winter...LOL But the one thing i cant stand about Spring is when my allergies arrive. Even as I type this my eyes are puffy and red...and itchy and watery. I have awaken every morning for the past three days looking like a swarm of bees got medieval on my ass and my eylids stuck together. then as i sit in the CBU lab getting my blog on....I am constantly bombarded by good samaritans....If I get one more CBU sororstitute coming in my face asking me whats wrong....Im gonna start moving some furniture....do I look like an abused housewife bitch??? Im crying cuz Im happy to see your perky ass....begone!!! *poof*
Anyways...because ive felt like shit lately....I haven't been able to get my regular bloggin and commentin on just yet..... And quite honestly, it'll probably be at least another week before I'm back to my regular antics.
BUT
Since I'm here now…. you KNOW I got some shit to talk about.
There's just so many things!!
Where do I begin??
Well, when all else fails, ya just do a damn list.
Therefore, Niggas and Niggettes, Hot Hoe's and Not-so's… I present to you:
The Kaviar D'edrick Del Juan Lewis List of Ten Things I've Opined On in the Last Week…..
an' shit.
1. Country Apple Foam Soap.
Ummm….. wow.
My little 19 year old jump offs mom had this shit in the bathroom when I was smashing her daughter in her parents home around Thanksgiving.
Dude.
Like… dude.
This shit is such the bomb shit.
I am NOT the one for frilly-willy-nilly smell-goods, but this shit is on some next-level shit.
And despite how much I used the word "shit" in the previous two sentences an' shit stuff, it doesn't smell like shit at all… unless of course roses really do smell like boo-boo, in which case "shit" may actually be the proper descriptive of the country apple foam soap since the opposite of what it really is denotes what it is perceived to be.
Ya know… kinda like "not bad meaning bad but bad meaning good."
I gets my Run-DMC peter piper on.
Anyway, dude…the soap is the shit.
It comes from Bed, Bath, and Beyond, a store in which no man should go into unless he is with a woman, buying an anniversary/birthday gift, or trying to impress some hoe coming over for the first time.
Or gay, but that goes without saying…. though I just said it.
The soap is a liquid, but when you pump the shit out, it's all foamy an' shit.
And the smell??
Dear Lawd Lawd Lawd!! The smell!! Truly, "heaven is a place on earth."
I gets my Belinda Carlisle on too.
Man, after washing my hands, I would just…. linger…. in the bathroom and let the smell come over me.
"Just like the Calgon commercial, I gotta get up outta here and go somewhere."
I gets my Mariah Carey on too.
So, dear friends, if you have never had the pleasure of experiencing the joy that is country apple foam soap from Bed, Bath, and Beyond, then I implore you to do so immediately. It will be a trip worth taking, trust me.
2. Am I old?
Old people have the greatest wisdom, and proverbs to match.
My great aunt, who will be 91 in March, was at my mom's folks' house for the holiday and she has turned into a proverbial trip — get it?
old people. proverbs.
proverbial. play on words. I rock. — in her old age.
And though I am the nearing the end of my twenties and feeling old as hell, my auntie gave me the one indication on whether you're old or not.
You're gonna want to read this… it's just…. brilliant.
First, let me say that she precedes her nuggets of wisdom with the words,
"As the old man say…"
Nevermind that it ain't grammatically correct… please believe that what follows those words are the most insightful words you will hear…. either that or the nuttiest. But you get my drift
With that said, prepare yourselves for the most profound shit you'll ever hear:
Me: I'm getting old auntie… I'll be 30 soon!
Auntie: Well, as the old man say, you ain't old if you can put on your draws without holdin' on. So, tell me old man, what you hold onto when you pull up your britches?
*blank stare*
Did this chick just ask me about my method of putting on underwear??
Ugh. Uncomfortable much?
Of course, I sit down when I put my draws on…. ever since the great hop-hop-hop-bang incident of '95.
You know when you're putting on your draws standing up without holding on to anything and your foot gets caught in the draws as you try to slide it through and you end up hop-hop-hoppin around until you bang up against some shit and fall with your ass out and draws around one thigh??
Yeah. You know alright.
But after hearing grandma say this, I am happy to report that I tried it once again and I CAN put on my draws without holding on… thus, I'm not old just yet.
But 30 is comin…. and doom surely approaches.
3. Sex Toy Parties
I was asked last week, "why don't men have sex toy parties?"
I mean, women sit around with boxes and boxes of toys and trade orgasmic stories of the utility or futility of various sex gadgets.
"Girl, that butterfly ain't shit! Get yo' ass a rabbit!!
Girl, you'll come in the door from work with presents for that damn rabbit!!
Talkin' 'bout "What's up Doc??!!"
It stay rabbit season 'round my crib!"
But for a bunch of men to sit around and talk about rubber coochies or dick-numbing-spray is just…..
say it with me now…
GAY!
I could not imagine saying some shit like,
"Dog, lemme tell you…. you need to get you one of them plastic Debbie Dick Suck dolls!!
And upgrade that shit to get the battery-powered UltraSuction Mouth Grip!!
The lips be movin!!
I said, the.lips.be.movin!!!"
No thanks. I don't want to be at that party.
Plus, men don't need toys….we can bust just as strong with our trusty hoe Rightina Handy.
She hasn't failed my ass … ever. And the bitch is free, too.
Why I need a party for that shit??
4. Perfect Flushes
Is there anything like it??
Maybe your team pulling out the upset win.
Maybe a fresh pair of draws (drawers).
A close second would be the perfect pump at the gas station when you pump gas like hell and stop on a dime right at $20.00…well, this is 2007…. more like $40.00…. or $600.00 if you drive a big ass Mandingo truck.
But the perfect flush??
Nothing like it.
Ladies, I'm not sure you can relate to this since you don't flush until you get up off the toilet.
Unless of course, you like a little sprinkle on your undercarriage before getting up off the pot.
But for dudes?
The perfect flush is the epitome of toilet usage.
You know, like when you tinkling — yeah I said it… tinkling — and then you flush the toilet before you finish…. YET…. just as the last bit of water flushes down the toilet, you get your last stream of piss in.
Perfect timing… the most efficient pissing can get.
Nothing like it.
5. Love Letters
I am NOT a pack rat.
In fact, I shake my head at those rats that, in fact, do pack… in fact.
I gets Dr. Seuss on that ass too.
But while preparing a bunch of shit to donate to charity that I'll never be caught dead wearing, or using (that was donatied to me after Hurricane Katrina), I had to clear out my trunk.
Let me just say, I don't use my trunk for what trunk usage is supposed to be used for…
I got used to not using it for its intended usage.
I used it for purposes of long term usage as opposed to using it for regular shit its usage is normally used for… if, in fact, usage can be used for something.
So…
In my trunk I had a ton of shit and one of the shits was a bag of old letters and notes from as far back as 1989. YES!! 89!
I never parted with these letters because I just love to go back and read them years after the fact to see what I was thinking during Jr. High, and what others were thinking of me.
My ego is extensive, son.
But I finally decided to get rid of them and not take them across state lines with me anymore.
There is no longer any need for me to remember what Tomeka said to me in October of 1989 after lunch.
There is no need to rehash the latest gossip that turned out not to be true in Tiffany's 1992 note to me in homeroom.
There is no need to re-read the letter from that chick Monica who wrote me a letter giving me her phone #… and also gave me guidelines for its use to include, and I quote, "Don't call me everyday"; "When you call, you better have something to talk about"; and "Don't give my number to nobody." LOL
In all, I must have shredded about 500 letters and notes.
And believe it or not, I felt a little sense of closure from past relationships and friendships that simply died out.
Of course, I kept a couple…. but that is another topic for another day.
*Intermission*
I know this shit is long, but it's probably the only entry you're getting for the rest of this week, (unless my eyeball stop itching so much) so I'm trying to make it worth your while…. or perhaps give you enough to read so you can break the shit up in parts and read two a day to keep your jones at bay.
Yes, I'm all that and then some
Skinny Black and Handsome
Bust a nut inside your eye
Just to show you where I cum from
I gets my A Tribe Called Quest on too
Shall we resume?
Let's.
Fucka 6
7. Oooowwoooowoooohhh
Yes, ladies…. oooowwoooowoooohhh.
In case you did not know, that is the sound you make when you make love.
Ginuwine said so, and really, has he ever lied to us?
Well, except for claiming that the mulatto heffa in his "In Those Jeans" video had a phat ass.
Please. That hoe's ass was on the Pancake Express.
But aside from that trangression, Ginuwine never steereth us wrong.
So, as his new song says, ladies say oooowwoooowoooohhhh when they're making love.
And dudes says mmm–oooo…
but not as cow-like as the spelling may indicate.
Surely my sarcasm has hit it's mark.
And let me show you just why Ginuwine is, in fact, again wrong.
He says girls say oooowwooowooohh when they make love.
Now, this sounds eerily similar to Trey Songz hook on that Twista song.
Because when Twista cuts her, she be like "ooohooowwwoowhoa" as sung by Mr. Songz.
Hmmm…. so a woman and a sixteen year old male soprano sound the same when making love??
Or perhaps both Ginuwine and Trey just sound alike when imitating a woman making love…. perhaps the same woman since they sound so much alike…. and we know Ginuwine was stroking that Sole chick
So, by extension, not only do we know how Sole sounds in bed… but we know Twista hit it too… and Trey Songz was in the closet listening.
Basic logic… I couldn't make this shit up if I tried.
The only possible error is if it wasn't Sole. Ya know, it might be Missy Elliot
You know Ginuwine hit that........ Don't trip.
"She's A Bitch" when she don't get her "Pony."
I gets my Timbaland-produced-artists on too
8. Wifey-san
Dude.....
I have been back in MermphriKKKa for only a year and a few months now and everywhere I turn, some American has his arm around a slant-eyed woman or pushing a little Chow Mein Jr. in a stroller. I was in Cordova at this bar with the mother of this chick I tried to holla at once....turns out her mom wanted to holla at me instead...she was 41.....and much finer than he 25 year daughter who got kinda pissed when she found out I was kicking it with mom dukes.
*it's not like it sounds....I met them both at separate instances....and had no idea that they knew one another let alone was mom and daughter....I had this occur with a set of sisters also (meeting one in Memphis and one in Nashville) but all of this is another story for a nother time...*
Anyhoo....
The 41 year old chick is an athletic trainer.....meaning that she doesnt look 41.....hell I knew she was no older than 30....but anyway....there was this little viet-cong chinese chick (I call all Asians no matter what their form "Chinese") at the bar that tried to get at my date even though we were clearly together.
*blank stare*
Can you believe this shit!!!??
Clearly Im not threatened by some chick trying to holla at my girl...so I sat back in the cut trying to see what happened....well the chick I was with doesnt get down like that...and wasnt feeling the situation....so when she excused herself to go to the ladies room.....I called little Chung Lee over to the table....i was all smooth and shit saying....she (being 41) missed the generation that made it cool for girls to be bisexual....but I date a few other girls that would love to get their asian carpet munch on....**Note** Ive never dated a purely hetero chick in my life.....(I dont know if thats a good thing or a bad thing)...
Well the Asian chick obviously wasnt feeling me....and tried to play me short.....so I was like okay you liitle rice planting muhfukka.....Ima show dat ass....
anyway....so i started coming to the bar twice a week for like a month with a different chick every time.....granted most of them were just platonic friends....but they were all dime pieces (meaning fine as hell for those of you that are tragically unhip)....anyway....so Im parading all of these beautiful chix in her face....and I would never acknowledge even knowing who she was.....and the few that I was actually dating....Id make sure she saw a little PDA here and there....and when i took a few of the chicks that I knew liked chicks Id point Chung Lee out and hip them to the background info....
anyway....this bar is a wild place....complete with DJ and drunk girls dancing suggestively....so the occasional girl on girl displays were not uncommon....
well the last time I went....I brought my baddest bisexual booty with me....I already had hipped her to the game I was playing....and like I said Chung Lee was a bad bitch....word to Trina in this muhfukka.....
anyway....she played her part right and teased, flirted, and seduced the chick all night long....then we both left right when she was about to get off work....
just left her ass hanging without nary a word....
Well...and I know this story is long....but bear with me.....
Chick did a myspace search or found me on someone elses page...I throw a lot of parties and I play in a band....so Im not hard to find....I know everyone in the party scene pretty much....and started E stalking my myspace....LOL
now she is all....how are you?....I havent seen you in a while.....how is your girl...blah blah blah.....LOL......im like that wasnt my girl...just a friend.....like I tried to make you....but you played me....she was all apologetic and we need to hang out...all of us...blah blah blah....LOL
*funny how the tables turn*....so now its my turn to play hard to get....did I mention....Im pretty popular in the bars and night clubs here? So when ever she saw me at her bar....everyone would stop by the table to speak....or give me kisses on the cheek or hugs or whatever....the DJ would always shout me out over the mic and what not.....
long story short....Asian chick and I start talking....emailing...conversing by telephone....or whatever....and she asks me to come out with her for lunch one day....so we could talk...hang out and get to know one another.....
soI meet her at the food court in Wolfchase Mall out in Bartlett....and Im amazed at all of the mixed couples...a lot of them black and white dudes with asian counterparts...
Apparently Chinese ass is pervasive.
Either that or the ass is overstocked and niggas are buying pussy by the pound 'round here.
All I know is if you can't pull women at home, please don't think you have finally arrived because some fine ass Asian chick is suddenly givin your ugly ass some ass.
I'm not saying you shouldn't enjoy it… just be real.
Because, yo' ass gotta go home.
Home meaning back to your city, town, hood, burb, block or whatever you claim....
And everyone is gonna know that the free medical, discounted shopping, and tax breaks are what brought Lucy Lu to your family reunion, and not your personality....
*I told yall all that story......to basically say nothing at all* and yall read all of that shit....hahahahah.....I love being me sometimes......
9. Blog Thieves
If shit can be bitten, niggas will bite it.
My boy Panama already did a superb job of roasting the lastest Negro in the find-a-blog-steal-a-blog sweepstakes, so I won't touch that.
But let me just ask, why steal MY shit??
I mean, steal Panama's shit…. dude is funny as hell to muhfuckas who read and beyond.
Steal Kajuana's shit…. it's not only insightful, but has entertaining one-liners here and there.
Steal Leon's shit….
Steal X's shit, girl gots mad skillz (that's for the NY in you)….
but damn dude… leave my shit alone.
It's just not worth the Ctrl+C...... Why?....... I'll tell you why.
If Sean Connery told a Bernie Mac joke, would you laugh?
Fuck no. .....It just don't sound right.
And you know what? I'm no Bernie Mac!
All the bloggers above are worth the steal and ensuing headaches and lawsuits and statcounter hits.
But Kaviar??…. you're wasting your time taking my shit.
Do you know how long it took for me to be able to say hoe, heffa, dizzle, and pussyage and have people actually tolerate it day in and out???
I am the crazy cousin in the attic who you keep your friends with phat asses away from!!
Don't bite me!
Dude, it just doesn't go over well.......You hurt yourself.
All I'm sayin is Kav-Boogie is not the blogger you should aspire to be like.
So take your right-clickin elsewhere. Ok? Thanks.
Nah, lemme stop… I'm the shit!
I'm a fuckin Gemini…. whatchu expect??
"Prince Oochie… it's all about mmmeeeeeeeee!!"
I gets my Martin Payne on too
10. Customer Service
I have traveled the world....
Arabs know customer service.
Japanese know customer service.
Singapore.
Hong Kongians, or whatever the fuck they're called.
Koreans.
Even housekeeping Hispanics.
They all have good ass customer service.
But niggas?.......sUCK.......With a capital -UCK
Dude, I called United Airlines to see if I could bump up the longest leg of my flight home to Jersey to business class.
I was willing to pay out of pocket…
I wasn't looking for a favor or a hook up or none of that shit.
Just tell me the cost, and let's be done with it.
And who do I get on the damn line??
Fuckin Fablalexuseesha.
Bitch answered the phone with an attitude!!
I'm trying to give your company some money, and you making me jump through hoops like an African rhesus monkey or a I-bite-gay-crackas white tiger 'cause your baby daddy didn't bring no diapers over last week?!?!?
So, with this latest experience, I am convinced that niggas do not need to be in customer service jobs.
Black folks? Sure. Niggas? Fuck no.
I know companies have quotas.
I know affirmative action is in effect to some extent.
But why they gotta hire niggas???
I mean, there are enough unemployed Black folks to benefit from the accomplishments of our people in the past… why you gotta reward niggas with the spoils of war that Black folks attained??
Now don't get me wrong… niggas do serve a purpose.
I mean, it was niggas who started slave rebellions and the riots of LA and Detroit amongst other places.
We needed them shits… sometimes white folks don't understand civilized approaches, so you have to let the nigga out.
But damn…. don't give them customer service jobs!!
Don't let them interact with the general populace when your aim is to make a buck!
Let them muhfuckas do construction or play football or rap or some shit.
Don't put them on the phone with me when I'm tryin to get my customer-servee on!!
Please… Corporate America… hire Black folks… leave the niggas to the evening news.
I'm just sayin…
I gets my Kaviar on too.
Domi Arragato Mr. Roboto an shyt!
