Gizmo's blog: "Trucking"

"JUST A FEW REASONS WHY "YOU'RE PROBABLY A CHICKENHAULER"!

IF YOU'VE EVER TRIED TO CONVINCE JB THAT "POON TANG" IS THE CAPITAL OF TAIWAN.

IF YOU HAVE LOTS OF "JEWELERS ROUGE", BUT DONT EVEN WEAR JEWELRY.

WHEN RETIREING FROM TRUCKIN', IF YOU HAVE EVER THOUGHT ABOUT PUTTING A ''CONEX BOARD'' IN YOUR ''HEARING AID''.

IF YOU'VE EVER THOUGHT OF HAVING THE "OIL CHANGED ON YOUR CB ANTENNA".

IF YOU WAKE UP IN THE MORNING AND THE FIRST THING YOU HEAR IS,
"ANYBODY WANT TO BUY A BLANKET''?

IF YOU KNOW THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A "WINEO" AND A ''LINEO''.

IF YOU HAVE EVER ASKED ANOTHER DRIVER IF HE HAS EVER SEEN AN "ASSHOLE WRAPPED IN PLASTIC". THEN TOLD HIM TO LOOK AT HIS DRIVERS LICENSE.

IF YOU HAVE A FRIEND THAT HAS A DIFFERENT MEANING WHEN HE SAYS, ''I'LL CALL YOU FROM MY CELL PHONE".

IF YOU THINK MCT MEANS "MEXICAN CHICKEN TRUCK".

IF YOU'VE EVER TRIED TO SELL A "THREE STAGE JAKE BREAK" FOR A PUSH LAWN MOWER.

IF YOU'VE EVER ASKED FOR A "JUMP", A "BUMP", AND A "BUTTON FOR YOUR PUMP".

IF YOU'VE EVER SOLD A RADIO THATS BEEN "PEAKED & TWEEKED'' MEANING, IT'S BEEN TURNED UP AND COMES WITH ''SQUELCH MONSTERS''.

IF YOU LIKE HEARING WORDS LIKE ''SALINAS'', ''NOGALES'', AND ''HUNTS POINT''.

IF YOUR ''MUD FLAPS'' COST YOU YOUR WHOLE PAY CHECK.

IF YOU HEAR THE WORDS JB HUNT AND INSTANTLY THINK "TINKER TOYS''.

IF YOU PINCH YOUR WAITRESS ON THE ASS, WITH YOUR WIFE SITTING "RIGHT NEXT TO YOU".

IF YOUR SENTENCES BEGIN WITH ''UH'' AND END WITH ''COME ON BEC''.

IF YOU HAVE "MORE ALTERNATORS" ON YOUR TRUCK THAN YOU HAVE BATTIRES.

IF YOU TELL YOU DISPATCHER, YOUR GIRLFRIEND LIVES IN FONTANA AND HER NAME IS ''LUCY''.

IF YOU THINK "SWIFT DRIVERS'' "AINT REAL SWIFT".

IF YOU HAVE MORE THAN ONE MEANING TO THE WORD ''CRANKSHAFT''.

IF YOU CAN RELATE TO ''TWO STICKS'' AND ''TOOTH PICKS''. YOU'RE PROBABLY A CHICKENHAULER THAT KNOWS A''BULL HAULER''.

IF YOU WAKE UP IN THE MORNING AND BOTH OF YOUR BACK POCKETS ARE FULL OF ''MILE MARKERS''.

IF YOU THINK CDL STANDS FOR ''CHICKENHAULER DRIVERS LICENSE'' OR ''CHICKENHAULER DELIVERING LOADS''.

IF YOU THINK CB STANDS FOR ''CHICKEN BROADCASTER".

IF YOU THINK TRIPLE C MEANS, ''CAN'T CATCH CHICKENTRUCKS''.

IF YOU THINK THE WORD CHICKEN MEANS, A ''CHICKEN HAULIN' CAT KICKIN' ENGINE''.

IF YOU THINK CRST MEANS, ''CHICKEN REJECT STRAIGHT TRAILER''.

IF YOU DRINK RC COLA BECAUSE IN YOUR OWN MIND THE RC STANDS FOR ''ROOSTER CRUSIN''.

IF YOU DRINK CC AND COKE BECAUSE TO YOU THIS IS A ''CHICKEN COCKTAIL''.

IF YOU ARE LISTENING TO YOU POLICE SCANNER AND START TO FEEL BAD BECAUSE THEY DONT SAY "B-BOY "C-CHICKEN''.

IF YOU HAVE EVER USED YOUR RADIO TO ''JUMP START A HARLEY''.

IF YOUR IDEA OF A "COOK OUT" IS ROASTING HOT DOGS AND MARSHMALLOWS ON YOUR ''CB ANTENNA''.

IF YOUR MICRAPHONE DOES LOTS OF ''BUNGY JUMPIN''.

IF YOU ARE ASKING FOR "LUCILLE'' AND YOU'RE NOT IN A BAR IN TOLEDO.

IF YOU MAKE A ''LINE'' ON YOUR LOG BOOK "WITHOUT EVEN OPENING IT".

IF YOU SAY, YOUR JUST LOOKING IN THE MIRROR WONDERING IF THERE ARE ANY "FRIENDS OF YOURS HERE".

IF YOU HAVE ''STRECH MARKS'' ON THE INSIDE OF YOUR FINGERS.

IF YOU HAVE EVER CHECKED YOUR WEIGHT ON SCALES CALLED ''TRIPLE BEAMS''.

IF A REAL NICE LOOKING GIRL IS GIVING YOU A PHYSICAL AND ''BUMPING THE DOCK'' COMES TO MIND.

IF YOU'VE EVER TRIED TO SELL ''STYRAPOME GAS CANS''.

IF YOU'VE EVER TRIED TO SEEL ''CORDLESS EXTENSION CORDS WITH A GROUND WIRE''.

IF YOU'VE EVER TRIED TO SELL A 7 BAND RADAR DETECTOR WITH ''X-BAND, K-BAND, KA-BAND, "WITH FOUR RUBBER BANDS''.

IF YOU'VE EVER TRIED TO SELL ''ANTIQUE DIGITAL GRANDFATHER CLOCKS".

IF YOU HAVE A ''NO LOT LIZZARD'' SIGN ON YOUR TRUCK BUT, LET THEM IN ANYWAY.

IF YOU THINK LOT LIZZARDS CUT THE STRING OFF THEIR TAMPEX JUST TO KEEP THE CRABS FROM ''BUNGY JUMPIN''.

NOW IF YOU THINK THEY USE THIS STRING FOR "DENTAL FLOSS"!

WHEN YOU MEET SOMEONE SPECIAL, AND YOU OFFER TO TAKE THEM OUT TO A "MOVIE" AND THEN TO A "LATE DINNER", AND WITH PRIDE, YOU TAKE THEM TO THE "PETRO THEATER" AND THEN WALK THEM OUT THERE TO THE "BUFFET";

IF YOU PROMISED TO TAKE YOUR WIFE OUT FOR DINNER ON HER BIRTHDAY AND YOU ORDERED "CHICKEN WINGS'', "FROM A CHROME SHOP''!

IF YOU HAVE EVER SEEN A "BEAR IN THE AIR" WITH A SET OF PORTABLES.

IF YOU HAVE "MORE POWER" COMING OUT OF YOUR TRUCK THAN YOU HAVE UNDER YOUR TRUCK.

IF YOUR TRUCK AND YOUR RADIO BOTH, "DO TRIPLE DIGITS".

IF YOU GO DOWN TO A LOWER CHANNEL AND BREAK FOR "THE SPACE SHUTTLE".

NOW IF HOUSTON COMES BACK AND SAYS "DRIVER, "THEY ARE ALL ASLEEP RIGHT NOW".

IF YOU HAVE LESS THAN "2 POUNDS OF AIR PRESURE" IN YOUR DRIVERS SEAT.

IF YOU "WASH YOUR TRUCK" MORE THAN YOU WASH YOUR CLOTHS.

IF YOU THINK "CHICKEN WIRE" AND "WESTERN UNION" ARE THE SAME THING.

IF YOU'RE IN THE LEFT LANE 60% OF THE TIME AND SPEND THE OTHER 40% "TRING TO GET OUT THERE".

IF YOU THINK "COLONAL SANDERS" IS ONE OF THE MAIN LEADERS OF OUR COUNTRY.

IF YOU KNOW WITHOUT A DOUBT WHAT STATE "KENTUCKY FRIED CHICKEN ORIGINATED IN".

IF YOU HAVE A REEFER ON YOUR TRAILER AND "REEFER IN YOUR TRAILER".

IF YOU THINK "MIRICAL GROW" MEANS "REEFER FUEL".

IF YOU RECEIVE WITH AN "AUDIO KING", TRANSMITT WITH A "ROAD KING", AND SLEEP WITH A "THERMO KING".

IF YOU HAVE EVER TRIED TO GET SAVED AT "CHURCHS CHICKEN".

IF BOTH YOUR TRAILER AND YOUR SLEEPER SOMETIMES "SMELLS LIKE FISH".

IF YOUR AT HOME AND YOUR WIFE TELLS YOU TO GO OUT TO GET SOME "OLIVE OIL" AND YOU GO TO "POPEYES CHICKEN" AND ASK FOR HER.

IF YOU GO TO A LUMBER YARD TO TRY TO BUY A "CONEX-BOARD".

IF YOU'RE AT THE DOCTORS OFFICE GETTING A CHECK UP AND YOU "PULL OUT YOUR OWN THEMOMETER".

IF YOU'VE EVER HOLLARD ON YOUR RADIO, "HEY BOBTAIL, DID YOU KNOW YOU DON'T HAVE ANY TRAILER LIGHTS".

IF YOU ARE BEHIND YOUR TRACTOR PUTTING GREASE ON YOUR 5TH WHEEL, AND IT REMINDS YOU OF "A GIRL YOU USE TO KNOW".

IF YOU HAVE A "WIFE IN YOUR TRUCK" BUT YOU YOURSELF ARE SINGLE.

IF YOU ARE DRIVING DOWN THE ROAD AT NIGHT AND AN "AIRPLANE MISTAKENLY LANDS ON YOUR TRAILER".

IF YOU HAVE EVER BEEN ASKED TO "DIM YOUR CHICKENLIGHTS".

IF YOU LOOK FOR A "NICE QUIET FLATBED WITH THE WINDOWS DOWN" TO PARK NEXT TO.

IF YOU'RE RUNNING WITH ANOTHER TRUCK FROM JOPLIN TO PITTSBURG PA. AND YOU VOLUNTEER TO RUN THE DOOR IN MISSOURI AND INDIANNA, AND YOU VOLUNTEER HIM TO "RUN THE DOOR IN ILLINOIS AND OHIO".

IF YOU'RE WALKING AROUND IN K-MART AND YOU SEE ONE OF THOSE "BLUE LIGHT SPECIALS" COME ON, AND WITH OUT THINKING YOU REACH UP FOR YOUR MIC WHILE LOOKING DOWN FOR A MILE-MARKER.

IF YOU'VE BEEN ON THE ROAD FOR SO LONG THAT WHEN WATCHING THE FLINTSTONES "WILMA STARTS LOOKING GOOD".

IF YOU HAVE EVER TRIED TO CONVENCE SMOKEY BEAR THAT YOU WERE TRING TO PICK UP A CIGARETTE THAT YOU HAD DROPED ON THE FLOOR AND "REALLY DID'NT REALIZE YOU WERE GOING 107 MILES AN HOUR".

IF IT COST YOU MORE THAN "$35.00 IN VELCRO" JUST TO CHANGE TRUCKS.

IF YOU HAVE EVER THOUGHT ABOUT PUTTING "CHICKEN LIGHTS" ON YOUR WIFE'S "KIRBY".

IF YOU HAVE "MORE TOYS ON YOUR RADIO" THAN YOUR KIDS HAVE IN THEIR TOY BOX.

IF YOU HAVE MORE LIGHTS ON YOUR TRUCK THAN YOU HAD ON YOUR "CHRISTMAS TREE".

IF YOUR FAVORITE COLOR IS "CHROME".

IF YOU GO TO WORK FOR "DICK SIMON'' AND DONT PICK UP YOU FIRST LOAD BECAUSE YOUR DISPATCHER FORGOT TO SAY ''SIMON SAYS''.

IF YOU TRY TO CONVENCE JB THAT UTAH HAS THE BIGGEST RANCH IN THE WORLD AND THATS WHY EVERYWHERE YOU GO IN THE STATE YOU SEE THAT
''RANCH EXIT''.

WHEN YOU SEE A SNYDER TRUCK AND INSTANTLY THINK ''DAY CARE CENTER''.

IF YOU'VE EVER HOLLERED ON YOUR RADIO, BREAK ONE NINE FOR SOME LOCAL ''NIMFO''.

IF YOU'VE EVER HOLLERED ON YOUR RADIO, ''TRUCK WASH, DETAIL SHOP, CHANNEL 22''.

IF YOU'VE EVER HAD ''SWINGIN' MEAT, LOADED IN YOUR SHINNEY HINNEY''.

IF YOU DRIVE DOWN EVERY ROW OF THE TRUCK STOP BEFORE YOU LEAVE, ''AT 2 MILES AN HOUR''.

IF EVERYTHING IS FINE WITH YOUR MOTOR BUT FOR SOME REASON YOU KEEP SAYING ''ROD NOCKER''.

IF YOU ASK FOR A RADIO CHECK 3 OR 4 TIMES A DAY, ''EVERY DAY''.

IF YOUR NOT A CARPENTER BUT YOU ALWAYS SEEM TO BE PUTTING DOWN YOUR ''HAMMER''.

IF YOU THINK THE NATIONS CAPITAL SHOULD BE ''CHICKENDALE ARKANSAS''.

IF YOU HAVE AN ESCORT ON YOUR DASH AND HAVE BEEN KNOWN TO HAVE AN "ESCORT IN YOUR SLEEPER".

IF YOU THINK THEY DONT CIRCUMSIZE DOT IN TEXAS BECAUSE IT GIVES THEM A PLACE TO PUT THEIR ''SCOAL'' WHEN THEY ARE EATING BREAKFAST.

IF YOU HAVE EVER TOLD ANOTHER DRIVER THAT HE HAS PROBABLY HAD HIS ''FROOT OF THE LOOMS'' ON FOR SO LONG, ''THAT THE GRAPES HAVE PROBABLY DONE TURNED TO "RASINS''.

IF YOU HAVENT SEEN A WOMAN FOR 2 DAYS BUT FOR SOME REASON YOU KEEP SAYING ''DO IT BABY''.

IF YOU THINK THE FCC STANDS FOR ''FEDERAL CHICKEN COMUNICATIONS''.

IF YOU HAVE EVER ASKED A FELLOW FEMALE TRUCK DRIVER IF SHE WOULD BE INTERESTED IN ''GOING 50-50 ON AN ORGASIUM''.

IF YOU HAVE A 10-2 SPREAD ON YOUR TRAILER AND SOMETIMES YOU "10-2 SPREAD SOMETHING ELSE IN YOUR SLEEPER".

IF YOU CAN REMEMBER YEARS AGO BEING IN EL PASO ASKING FOR ''BLACK MOLLY'' BUT HAVING TO SETTLE WITH A "COKE AND SOME ''M&M'S''.

IF YOU HAVE EVER TOLD ANOTHER DRIVER THAT THE BUMP YOU JUST HIT WAS SO BAD, IT KNOCKED EVERYTHING OFF THE FLOOR "BACK UP ON THE DASH".

IF YOU'VE EVER DREAMED OF PUTTING "CHICKEN LIGHTS ON YOUR ''HOUSE''.

IF FOR SOME REASON EVERY TIME YOU GO OUT WEST YOU ALWAYS WAIT UNTIL THE "LAST MINUTE TO LEAVE".

IF YOU'VE EVER TOLD AN ''ARROW DRIVER'' TO STOP AT THE STATE LINE IN ARIZONIA ON I-40, BECAUSE YOU SEEN A SIGN AT THE 359 THAT SAID, ''FREE ARROW HEAD''.

IF YOUY HAVE AN UNDECTABLE RADAR DETCETOR, A SCANNER, A DEPT FINDER, A TRAILBLAZER, A FLORESENT TUBE, BELONG TO LEGAL PAID SERVICES, HAVE A $50.00 BILL BEHIND YOUR DRIVERS LICENSES, AND STILL HAVE A "TICKET IN BOTH YOUR LOG BOOKS".

IF YOU THINK THE REASON THEY PUT SCREENS IN ALL THE ''URNALS'' IN THE TRUCK STOPS NOW IS TO KEEP THE STUDENT DRIVERS FROM EATING ''THE MINTS''.

IF YOU HAVE EVER TRIED TO SELL A "BUG SHIELD", TO ANOTHER DRIVER IN A ''CAB OVER''.

IF YOUR SHOWER CURTAIN AT HOME IS HELD UP WITH A "LOAD LOCK".

IF YOU HAVE A DOG NAMED "MUD FLAP" OR A CAT NAMED "SHRINK WRAP".

OR, IF YOU HAVE EVER BEEN TOLD THAT ANOTHER DRIVER CAN'T SEE TO BACK IN, SO COULD YOU "PLEASE TURN OFF YOUR BUMBER".

''YOU'RE PROBABLY A CHICKENHAULER"