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Devilwolf84's blog: "Army Blog"

created on 09/14/2006  |  http://fubar.com/army-blog/b458
They say all is fair in love and war. But how often do you find yourself in battle? They say there is no passion in every day things. But to fight you must find passion to fight with, because with out it life becomes meaningless. A great man once said, To live without loving everything there is to love is a life not worth living. They tell us to do what we must do and not think of anything but that. That you must not think of how you feel but think of what lies ahead of you, Well i tell you different. I tell you to fight with what you have within you , fight for what you feel you are passionet for. Fight for the rights that every living person has, Remember - With our sacrifice our victory - There have been no better words spoken within a movie that held a secret hidden message within it's actions. Or another - Live for nothing or die for something - Or - They will know that good stood against evil that few stood against many and that even a god king can still bleed. Within all these movies alittle was stured in everyone but few knew the message within. So in the end the question you must ask yourself deep down inside is, Are you happy? Are you where you want to be or are you somewhere else, Do you have what it takes to make it along your own journy? Are you prepaired to fight for what you believe in? Are you prepaired to fight with every ounce of passion for those people and for those things you cherrish in your life? If you say yes then get up now and stand up and be counted for more then a number and stand to be seen as a person who believes in what is right and what is just. To Fight is to live, To love is to fight , to forgive is whats right and learn to forget what has been wrong is what life is about. Forget the mistakes dont count how many times you may of fallen. What counts is how many times you get up and how often you need to before you win. There are no points for second place. There is no room for number 2, So what do you choose to do? I leave the question open to you all. Do you have what it takes to find the answer? And if you don't like the resault do you have the curage to change the things you know need changing and accept those things that cannot be changed and even more so the whisdom to know the differance. There is more then meets the eye they say, Is there more to you? that meets the eye?
Paradice Is there such a thing? is there a perfect place for each one of us. Deep down somewhere inside of me my instints tell me yes. Somewhere out there is paradice, The question becomes after whos paradice is it? Is it meant only for those of us who have not lost touch with the wild side of our souls. Those of us who have not forgotten our instints? I wish i knew more importantly i wish i had an anwser but i do not. So i will simply put it down to this. Pure Instint, and perhaps if im lucky and i do find paradice, that my family my pack is there waiting for my return, or at least thats what i hope. I suppose only time will tell whats to happen, But i know this, i know i will never stop looking for it, one day i will find it maybe then i will feel at peace finally.
Oh kitty cat where are you. Why arent you here to help me when i need you the most. My world has become confusing and lost, Nothing makes sence and your the one i always knew i could turn to and your gone. I know you are standing here telling me its going to be okay but its not the same. I need you so bad and you arent here to help me. Why arent you here, i need my kitty cat. I know you are one of my guardian angels but i wish you were still here with us. the tears are rolling down my face and all i can listen to is your answering machine and its not fair because i need you. I'm sorry i know i cant be greedy but i miss you and i still cant believe your gone. It's been almost a month and you arent here with us. I miss you kitty cat i miss you so much. Your wolfie misses and loves you very much kitty cat.
' Believe it or not petie this world will not come to a crashing end and you will find the ending to the story that you and steph have started here ' ' There is always one thing that never changes about a story Petie and i think you need to remember it , as much as anyone else to you need to more ' "Oh and what exactly would that be Jenn would you please enlighten me as to what never changes about a story because honestly i can't tell where the story ends and real life begins anymore" ' It's Simple pete, Every story has a beginning and an end, Every story is about good and bad, between love and hate , the only question you can ask yourself now is , What ending do you want petie, what story do you want to write what ending is it you want ' ' Do you want to be the Hero of this story? is that it or do you want to be the sad boy who sits at the end of that dock and wonders about what if about maybe about the things that never happened because you were too scared to be the aggressive one, you need to show that you can stand up and that you can be seen for everything you are not for what people think you are , does the story end here petie? does it end like this does it end in tears or does it have a happy ending, i think you are best to pick one because if you just let one happen it will end up being the one you don't want to have happen ' "So what you're telling me i need to go run off and howl at the moon till she hears my cry and comes running do i go to her and pour my heart out and tell her that shes everything to me or is it going to go on deaf ears because he's there with her" ' I don't know petie , i'm not the one thats in love with her , all i do know is that you need to do something, or else all you are going to do is lose her for good and god petie if that was to happen we'd never see the light of day so for god sake go and get her petie for the love of god get over there and take her in your arms and tell her everything and do it now , do it now or never. But if you don't do it i don't want to hear you sob because you couldnt gather up the curage to do it. Don't be the petie everyone makes you out to be , be the Petie i know the Petie that is inside you hidding the Petie i know you can be '
Days go by and though the tears have stoped a day does not go by without thoughts of you fludding my mind. You've been gone now for 17 days, but i find it no easier that time has passed, i miss you so much and yet i'll never hear your voice ever again. I listen to the memorial page so many have worked so hard on for you and i listen to the videos people have shared. And every time i do i cannot help but cry because i miss you. I dont know why god had to take you , i wish you were here now with us because i need your help so bad. I know your in heavan i know that your happy and safe but it doesnt change the fact i miss you. I know one day we will all see each other again, i know one day we'll be happy, We'll all see each other and rejoyce, but until then i'll miss you huni, till that day i'll be sad. I hope you know we all miss you, i hope you know we all still cry. I hope you know how much we love you, i hope you know that you'll always be part of me. I carry you where ever i go i always will, I miss you jenny.
There are so many things we never said so many feelings unshared. And now your gone i can picture you up there with beautiful flowing long hair Never another day of sadness Never a day that goes by of pain Now you are with fox and our friends and family lost to us down here. I hope every day you hear our thoughts I hope every day you feel how much we love you. I hope you know this isnt goodbye I hope you know we'll see each other again. I hope you know that you will never be forgotten. You will live on in our hearts and souls. So until that day comes that we can all be together again sleep sweetly kitty cat, Lay your head on that pillow and rest. Let no nightmares reach you where you are. Let there only be the best of dreams that come true. Remember that we love you. And most of all Kitty cat, Please remember that your wolfie loves you always and forever. until we see each other again, sweet dreams Kitty cat, we love you.
I don't know if im strong enough to get threw this. Now of all times i am not sure that i will make it threw the night knowing at any point in time the phone will ring and it will give us the news that he's not with us anymore. I'm trying so hard to be strong and i'm not doing a very good job of it, I find myself slowly losing grip of everything. Everyone is counting on me being strong but im not sure i can be i dont think i can make it threw this i feel so lost. How will i manage this knowing everyone else will look to me for strength when i have no strength to give. I feel so powerless and there is nothing that i can do to change that, No matter my screams of pain or tear filled eyes will change the fate that we're all bound to. No it's not time yet it cant be he is suppose to live long enough to see his first great grand child. How could he be dying he was so strong, and how do you let go, I can't just say goodbye its impossible im not strong enough to do this not again. How can he look up and say he just wants to go when i still need help. he tells me to not cry that it's okay but my eyes are filling full of tears, i can feel them streaming down my face and no matter how much i beg to wake up from this nightmare it's not happening im still awake. How can this be how can this be right this isn't whats meant to be not yet. I'm sorry im not strong enough to do this, im not strong enough to make it threw this on my own , i can't be looked to for strength when i have none to give. Can't you see im on my knee's begging please not yet please don't let this happen not now not when i know i still need help i'm not ready to let go yet please dont make me please im not strong enough. This just isnt a person this is my blood this is my family this is one of the most important people in my life and he wants to just die and go and be with his brothers and family and i should let him but i want to be greedy i need to be greedy this isnt fair how can this be happening now. No it cant be please someone wake me up please let this be some horrible dream please grampa please dont let go yet please dont you need to stay here with us please you promised me!!! You promised me that you were going to be around to see your first great grandchild your not allowed to leave yet. I still need help... I'm not strong enough to do this im not strong enough to let you go not now not yet please don't make me. Why is this happening why cant this be some horrible dream. Please stop looking at me like im so strong im not im weak im on my knee's with these tears in my eyes because i know whats coming next i know what happens when that phone rings that last time. God please don't take him yet not yet i'm not ready to let go like this....
Today sucked want to know why today sucked? My own brother STOLE from me today. And i dont mean he took someinth small and pathetic he broke into a locked area took things belonging to me and my girl! I cant fucking believe he stole from me after everything i did for that little snot nosed bratt. 144 dollars worth of stuff GONE. And you know i keep everything in pretty good order around my place and so i know where i put shit and where i put certin things they are no longer there so i know he stole them. Plus he BUSTED the lock into my cabnet to get the other things he wanted. I cant believe my own brother could do this to me after everything i have done for him and his puke faced friends! I could kill this kid literally! I cant believe he did this to me and my girl. And due to her being so upset instead of her staying the night like she was suppose to she had me take her home she was so upset! I cant fucking believe he did this to me i cant believe it at all. Im so fucking pissed off! I cant even sleep im so pissed off, Im so pissed off i cant play video games and i love my video games!
So i guess this is another night that i get to sit here pretty much alone and i have nothing but my thoughts to keep me company. I'm working my ass off to get just the simplist things done around here and i often wonder why it is for all my hard work nothing seems to actually get better. I'm lost within the mix of things and i dont know where i am anymore. The 7th is my very last day as a soldier for the rest of my life as i have no intentions of returning to any military service. I do not do that for the simple dislike of the military the army has done nothing but treated me well and for all that the army has shown and tought me i will forever remain in the debt of many who have shown me how good it can be. However in all honesty the military has inflicted more then its fair share of damage in my life too including the loss of friends in combat who often i miss and more then often wish i could of traded my life for any one of theirs. I seem doomed to actually be happy because anyone i like either doesnt like me or has some reason to not like me and anyone who likes me is well... not exactly my taste or simply too far away. Am i doomed to repeat my mistakes? am i doomed to such an exsistance ??? questions and no answers , Nothing stops the pain and only more pain continues to flow threw my body. I want only what most men want from life, a wonderful loving wife , and children of my own. But more seem to be into looks and or into money or even at times both. A difficult thing to fight against when really you have neither. Well i best pack up my gear. Goodnight to you all.
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