Devilwolf84's blog: "Army Blog"

I've really done alot of thinking about this because i didn't know if i was even going to post this or not but i figure everyone should know. Soon as i can aford it i'm gone because i can't take it here anymore, I have no idea if i will even stay in town or what but right now i just see no reason to even bother to stay. I've been delt the last blow I've been stabbed threw the back and into my heart for the last time and i just ... I just cant do it anymore it's no longer fair to me because i've honestly done nothing to deserve whats been happening to me. In the last year ive had to deal with more drama more lies and more bullshit then ive ever had to in my whole entire life! So very simply i'm outta here. I don't want the dawsons creek drama anymore and so there is a very simple way to stop it, By leaving. Anyone cares to know why i'll be glad to tell you. The following people are my reason for leaving. Chrissy - You lied to me over and over , you fed me line after line and i believed you because you looked at me and told me you'd never lie to me and then you stab me in the back straight threw to my heart. Michelle - No better then Chrissy because you made promises you never intended to fofill you said sweet little things and i bought it thinking you were better then others when you were just as bad. Ali - What can i say Ali you punished me for one thing i did and you never got over it and so you like everyone else fed me lines and then told me to not give up on you but any time i tried to see you any time i reached out all you did was pull away. I broke one promise you and never did after that. You broke so many promises i've lost count. All i wanted to do was to be your pacey i guess you decided to choose your dawsons insted. Shay - I don't even know where to start shay i really don't. I didn't even wanna fall for you but i did whats worse is part of me always will feel that way. I knew the things we talked about were far fetched but you can't blame a wolf for wishing... I just hope he treats you well. Meg - You stabbed me in the back the worst. Why ? because i knew you for 8 god damn years, you go off and confide in me and tell me things , horrible god awful things that someone shouldnt go threw and then the next day you tell me everythings fine and to forget everything said and everything shared. Told me how the feelings were really just stupid anyways. You wouldnt know a good thing if it came up and smashed you in the nose, Apparently you know a bad thing when it does tho. Shea - God damn you, I bent over fucking backwards for you and you repay me by cheating on me. With a dirty fucking flower boy, i dont care what you said his job is he plays with mother fucking flowers and piddles on the lawn like some stray dog, God knows he looks like one I hope you get some dirty STD's from your new dirty little dog!! So from this day forward, I no longer believe that everyone has a soul mate, i will never believe someone if they say they care because every last one of these people have said it to me and then i've pulled a dagger out from inside me from every last one of these people. Before i had a hard time believing in people, Trusting people. I will never trust anyone ever again, Nor will i ever let someone inside my wall ever again. Because its not worth getting hurt not again, Not ever again.

theres an old story a tale of heartache, a white rose was given to a young girl by a young boy the two were in love back then roses where white, the boy grew into a man and was taken away to fight when he came back he found his love with another bereft with greif he found the rose he gave her and he killed himself over the rose the next day the woman found the rose it was red with the mans blood distraught she took the mans sword which was still covered with his blood she ran with it and killed the man she had been with as his blood soaked into the earth next to the rose bush, as u see there was only one rose bush back then, like a tree the woman angered at herself and at love hacked it into peices setting free its sporres on the wind then slit her throat the misting blood mixed with the spores and turned all the roses red so next time you look at a red rose remember that it has thorns wich is the mans sword and the rest is the blood of broken hearts for eventually we all feel that crushing agony.

"I Don't know Jenn, Maybe i am better off to forget about her but every time i attempt to do that all i do is sit here and wish that she was with me and not with him but i guess it just isnt going to happen that way" ' Well it's simple pete i mean either she can start thinking with her heart and not her crotch or you gotta learn to get over her and move on , because...' ' Suffering because of her is not the answer , you are a smart funny caring guy and if she can't see you for all that you are then the only one really missing out in the end of all this is her petie ' "Yeah i guess so Jenn but i mean what is left to do where is left to go in all this? I mean if i can't even hold a candle to the biggest drama king on the other side of the creek i mean where does that leave me honestly" "I don't know maybe i am simply not meant for this maybe i am just not meant to be loved Jenn, Maybe i am destined to be the screw up that everyone in this town knows me to be... Petie the screw up" The wind gently blew threw the tree's and the sun sparkled off the water , only the sound of the crickets and the birds could be heard ' Petie you aren't a screw up , just because you werent an A plus student or because you didn't get accepted into some fancy college does not make you a screw up ' "Yes well my family deffinitly thinks otherwise Jenn and honestly they will never let me forget any of it. I'm the screw up they had, dougy got to make something out of himself and Sarah got accepted into the accadamy and what did good old petie do.... He got left here in this town because he isn't good enough to leave this little mellow drama town behind" ' You know petie maybe your attitude is half the problem maybe you listen too much to your family when you should be out there making something of yourself and insted you listen to them and you let it effect who you are and what you do with yourself and you shouldn't.' ' And they shouldn't say it either because they are your family they should be supporting you not putting you down ' "That's just my family Jenn that's the way they've always been and every time steph goes running off to coby man they love that because they love to bring up that i can't even keep the girl who i've been in love with since i was 15 years old" "But like i said that's just how it seems to go because that's how my life is gone my whole entire life so why should be anymore surprised when something doesn't want to work out my way... God forbid it Jenn because if once just once it worked out my way i think the world would stop turning the sun would explode and life as we know it would end in this little town and the rest of this big blue green world we call earth"

So how long are you going to go on like this petie, how long will you wait for her ' "I don't know how long i'll wait for her, i wish i did know i wish i could put a time frame on how long i can let my heart hurt but i don't know" ' So where is she right now ' Jenn asked softly, "With him" petie replied. ' why do you stand around and wait for her if she can't even give you a real answer petie are you a glutton for punishment do you enjoy having her in your life so much that being hurt by her is okay with you' "I don't know Jenn okay i don't know but like you asked, if i felt the sparks, i mean if they werent there this would be so much simpler ,i wouldnt care but they are there and no matter how much i might want to i cant see past the sparks" ... "It's like someone lit a fire inside me and all i see is the sparks from the flames" " Honestly if this is love i think maybe i hate it because its completly consumed me and all i can think about is her and how i want to hold her and how i want to kiss her and just... be with her" ' you can't wait forever petie you know that right, i mean if she isn't it then why wait for someone who doesn't love you as much as you love them? ' He sighed and ran a finger over the picture of himself and steph and looked up at Jenn ... "I know but what else am i suppost to do, where else am i suppost to do Jenn, she knows i love her.... I've said it to her enough times she should know" ' yea and then something happens and then all that hard work you put into the relationship or the work towards the relationship comes to a crashing end, and whats the point if she rather spend time with another man and not you petie , sooner or later you have to draw the line ' "I can't help it Jenn, I love her what do you do when you are in love?" She sat beside Petie and rubbed his shoulder .... ' I don't know petie but i wish i did, i just hope she comes to her sences soo because honestly she is missing out if she doesn't realize how wonderful you are '

So Im not meant to be happy... Why should i be surprised. Every time i think this week cant get worse it does, It will get worse still i am sure of it as i feel it inside. So... No one wants me.... No one wants to have me ... No matter what i try, I guess it was true i guess i just cant be loved can i. Why am i surprised? I shouldnt be should i? maybe this is some sick joke?? or maybe this is just it maybe i am meant to be misurable. maybe... i guess... No where to go... no one to love... im alone. Just.. alone goodbye

Long after the night of passion came to an end Petie sat outside quietly thinking to himself when he heard someone walking up to the house and low and behold it was his friend Jenn. 'Hey Petie' she said with a smile and quietly he opened the door and stepped outside... "Hey Jenn , what are you doing here shouldnt you be packing for New York?" 'Yea but i thought i would come stop in on you and see how you are doing, I heard about how have things have been with you and steph too' Quietly looking down he took a deep breath and said "there is a complicated situation if there ever was one" Smiling she said back to him... 'I know a steph trance when i see one' "it is deffinitly good to have her back in my life" .... 'Do you feel the sparks' she asked with a smile ... "Well you could never really denie the sparks between the two of us ... When she's around me i just feel more...I feel more alive" "I think people under estimate how important that is" ... 'I think they over estimate it too' Jenn said softly but as much as you want to you can't relie on someone else to make you feel alive.. It's an inside job' .... "True" he said ... 'So do you plan on barrowing or stealing her from these other guys' ... "I'm hoping that it's a little different now i think we've moved beyond that" 'I just hope after i'm gone no matter what you all stay close... stay in touch and never forget what you mean to each other the effect you've had on each others lives these friendships can never really be over or under estimated' "We will Jenn don't worry about that we will"

It seems im getting called an asshole. Im sorry that you find me an asshole , because im not an asshole i just go by what i know how i feel and what in life i've learned. Theres only one thing you need to know , Anything thats ever been learned or discovered in all the Centuries of life on earth means nothing right now, No one can tell you what to be prepaired for. Your enemy has a Dark blood thursty heart assume everything is dangerous if in doubt kill. - Col T.C McQueen Thats what i know thats what i've learned I Am A Wolf. I cant be held responcable because something changes thats just part of life. I said i was sorry and it isnt enough So you know what..... whatever ..... I'm trying to make the best out of my life and make something happen if you want to call me an asshole for surviving then fine im an asshole. The sun will set tonight... And it will rise in the morning. Those are the only things that are for sure in this existance. Always going to be friends huh? I guess not.

Standing there his body pressed against hers, eyes closed so tightly. His mouth pressed firmly against hers he wrapped his fingers around hers embressing her tightly deep breathing he felt for once at peace with the world almost not caring about things going on around him. He stopped kissing her and looked at her lost deep in her eyes , he kissed the tips of her fingers and she leaned up and kissed him again. Breaking the kiss she unbottoned his shirt which fell promptly to the floor , then slowly removing her blouse she looked at him and whispered, "Are you sure this is what you want is this really what you want are you totally sure, Because i wont go further if you arent ready for this Petie" He ran his fingers down her face and smiled, * I have never been more sure of something then i am at this very moment, here with you right now* Looking down at her he pulled her closer and kissed her tightly moving towards the bed she crawled up still kissing him getting onto the bed their kissing became deeper...filling with passion. pulling off his jeans and tugging down on her hip huggers they layed there kissing in barely anything his arms wrapped around her... her finger tips brushing against his back. He kissed down her neck to her chest kissing and nibbling. Unhooking her bra it slipped to the bed and then pushed to the floor, her hands slipped down his body slowly the loss of his boxers was next as they were tossed to the floor. Slipping down and out a pair of panties landed on the floor, still kissing this whole time one arm wrapped around her the other cupping her face ever so gently , her hand brushed down his arm to his hand and he moved his hand to hold her hand as he kissed her again. Gently brushing his lips against hers he looked into her eyes ,she wrapped her arms around him and gently pulled him over top of her. He kissed her again and gently words spoken he said... *I love you steph* and in her soft sweet voice she replied...."I love you too Pete , make love to me pete..Make love to me"

About an hour after Pete got home he sat there quietly so lost in his thoughts of what might be what might not be. So scared that he had met the woman of his dreams and let her go simply because she didnt seem to know what she wanted. The phone then rings ... He paused for a moment not sure whether or not to pick it up or not, Finally he reached over and picked it up. *Hello* He answered and the voice on the other end said..... "I didn't like the way things were left when you sped off Petie thats not how i wanted to say goodnight" Speaking back he said *Yeah well you don't ever leave me much choice most the time now do you* "No i suppose i don't do i Petie...I'm sorry for that it's not honestly something i do on purpous..... Can i come over?" *Sure why not* He said in a calm voice and then a knock on the door. He opened it to see her big beautiful eyes stairing at him.... "You asked me something Petie .. you asked if i loved you like i loved him you asked me to make a choice in what i really wanted .... Do you want the answer" Taking a deep breath he replied *Yes i do* Stairing down into her eyes she reached up just alittle and kissed him. *Woah wait thats not an answer thats a kiss Steph are you sure you know what you are doing here i mean really isn't a kiss what started all this in the first place?* She looked at him a moment and placed her hands on his chest looking up at him and said...."This is your fault darling.. you kissed me first , you took my hand and kissed me like no other has ever kissed me before and then that moment my heart was yours i was just too scared to say anything and so i ran" "So i am going to give you till the count of 10 Petie...then i'm going to kiss you again and if you don't want me to kiss you then you better stop me otherwise i'm going to" Reaching his hand down and cupping the side of her face in his hand he leaned down and kissed her. Wrapping an arm around her and still cupping her face he broke the kiss and looked into her eyes. *You know how many sleepless nights ive had thinking about this moment ? how many dreams i've had wishing this very thing at this very moment to come true* "No" she replied ..."But we have the rest of our lives to count the nights we've both had .. dreaming about one another. Now are we going to stand here all night or are you going to kiss me again Petie" *I don't know maybe i'll make you wait like you made me wait all these years* He chuckled softly looking at her.... "Now i so don't think so" Leaning up she kissed him and he kissed her back ever so sweetly and all so gently running a hand threw her hair. Finally the moment he wanted had come... Now he just hoped that the moment could last forever, Knowing it wouldnt but deffinitly hoped tho this moment would not last forever... that moments like these would for as long as he lived and breathed.

He quietly after then walked by her towards the door grabbing his keys from the dresser and moves towards the door when she grabs his hand and said. "And where are you going, you tell me all this and then expect to walk away and leave me to stand in a puddle of my own emotional thoughts left to drown in them like someone who can't swim?" *Yes that is exactly what i had in mind Steph because i simply have nothing else that i can say i've said it all. I told you how i feel , from the bottom of my soul i have told you how i felt and either you can at least show me some sign that my feelings are important to you or i can leave and let you run off back to him since you are always running back to me because of him maybe this time you can run to him and leave me out of it because ....* "Because what Petie huh because what? Would you please tell me because you have what you want im standing here drowning waiting for you to toss me a life line and i don't know how long i can hold on before i go under for the last time" Taking a deep breath he looked at her with her big bright blue eyes and said , *Because i can't keep looking into your big blue eyes because every time i do i fall alittle deeper and alittle farther and you tell me your emotionally drowning but guess what steph i fell into the deep blue ocean coloured eyes you have and i drowned along time ago waiting to be tossed a life line* Turning away from her he pulled his hand away an walking out the door towards his truck she followed him out attempting to stop him, "Wait just wait for one moment can you wait so i can gather my thoughts here" *You shouldnt need to gather your thoughts not if you love me like you keep on damn well telling me you do Steph, you know what call me soon as you know exactly what it is you want cause till then you can splash around in simple ignorance that you created for yourself* Getting into his truck he started it up and drove off leaving Steph to figure out exactly what it was she wanted.