An Irishman Is A Guy Who...

• May not be sure there is a God, but is damn sure of the infallibility of the Pope;
• Won't eat meat on Friday, but will drink gin for breakfast;
• Believes everything he can't see and nothing he can;
• Is against abortion but in favor of hanging;
• Has such great respect for the truth, he uses it in emergencies;
• Is irrational in important things, and a tower of strength in the trivial;
• Gets married for life, but not necessarily for love;
• Can argue either side of a question, often at the same time;
• Sees things not as they are, but as they never will be;
• Believes in leprechauns and banshees, and considers anyone who doesn't to be a heathen;
• Can lick any man in the house he is the sole occupant of;
• Cries at sad movies but cheers in battle;
• Considers funerals a festivity but weddings sad events- to be put off as long as possible, preferably forever;
• Hates the English but reserves his cruelty for his countrymen;
• Gets more Irish the further he gets from Ireland;
• Is not afraid of dying, in fact may prefer it;
• Believes that God is Irish or, at least. Catholic;
• Is against corruption, unless it's a Democrat;
• Takes the pledge not to drink at the age of twelve, and every four years thereafter;
• Believes that to forgive is divine, therefore doesn't exercise it himself;
• Believes that salvation can be achieved by weekly envelopes;
• Considers anyone who won't come around to his point of view to be hopelessly stubborn;
• Loves religion for its own sake but also because it makes it damnably inconvenient for his neighbors;
• Considers a bore to be someone who constantly keeps interrupting;
• Scorns money but worships those who have it;
• Considers an Irishman who achieves success to be a traitor.

The Irish are a very perverse, complex people. It's what makes them so loveable.
They are banking so heavily that God has the same sense of humor.