She couldn't believe it when he first asked. She felt as though she'd been kicked in the stomach. Anger and resentment welled up in her chest - she couldn't quite breathe, feeling the weight of his words hanging in the air. She peeled his heavy arm from her waist, pushing it away from her, and wrenched from his embrace instantly.
"How could you?" Rang out over and over in her head, but the words couldn't find enough air in her lungs to force their way out of her mouth. She silently rose from their bed and stumbled out of the room. She slammed the door on her husband as he tried to follow, mumbling apologies and excuses.
As the door slapped shut in his face, Jim knew to leave it alone and not pursue his wife into the guest room. They'd been married long enough for him understand that she was done talking to him for the moment. This conversation would continue if and when Meg decided she was willing to bring it up again. He thought it might very well take days before she would speak to him at all, and he doubted this topic would ever be discussed between them again.
Meg fell into the guest bed, still shaking mad and about a hundred miles from sleep. She couldn't quite get her mind to absorb the reality of the past ten minutes. How could it twist and turn in on itself so suddenly? How could the one moment lead to the next in Jim's mind? She began to replay the evening in her head, trying to put her finger on just where it went wrong.
It had been the usual Saturday night ritual. Wine with dinner, a romantic movie… Then they slid into crisp, fresh sheets… Made love. Comfortable, familiar, and caring, if not exactly earth shattering. They lay in the moments after, arms around each other. Jim whispered tenderly in her ear, "I love you, Meg." She echoed his sentiment and said, "I love you too." Then they fell silent and began to drift off to sleep… The usual. Nothing out of the ordinary…
After a few minutes, she felt him stir, curled behind her as he tugged her just a bit closer against himself. She smiled at the sensation and relaxed even more in his arms. And then she heard her name again,
"Meg? Meg honey, are you awake?"
She rolled over to face him and said, "Um hmmm…what is it?"
She touched his face with her fingertips as she waited for him to speak.
"Meg, do you ever feel, I don't know, kind of bored with me? I mean, in bed?"
She looked at him blankly, truly not following the question. She had always felt that their sex life was perfectly okay. She didn't always climax, but that was never a big deal to her. Common enough, right? She thought she was probably way ahead of the average in that she still actually liked her husband after all these years. Sex was not something she gave a whole lot of consideration to. It had certainly never crossed her mind to wonder if she was 'bored' with him.
Since his wife didn't answer, but just looked at him searchingly, waiting for him to elaborate, he did. He said, "I mean, it seems like it's not always good for you and I wonder if maybe we should shake things up a little? You know, try something new?" She said, "You mean like toys? I thought you didn't like those."
"No," he said, "I'm not wild about toys, but I'm sure there's something we could do to spice things up."
"Like what? Do you have some idea in mind, something you want to try out? You know I love you, Jim, and that I'll do just about anything you want sexually. If you recall," she paused here to grin at him, "we used to be pretty wild when we first got together…"
He grinned back, encouraged, and said, "Well, I was wondering if you'd ever want to have a threesome with another woman?"
And it was only in that instant, she realized, that it had all gone wrong.
She didn't sleep that night. She couldn't shove the thoughts out of her mind long enough. How could he? Is there something wrong with ME? He's the one who's bored, that's obvious. Bastard. Bastard! I thought we had a good marriage. He seems pretty satisfied. He gets off every single time. What is wrong with HIM?
By morning, she had already spent 7 hours yelling at him in her head, and she couldn't be bothered to do it for real. She got up early, had her coffee, and slipped out for her Sunday morning run. She tacked on an extra mile, just to blow off some steam. When she was done, she still wasn't ready to go home and face him, so she decided to go into town and do the shopping. She'd have to do it at some point anyway - now seemed like a fine time.
As she was driving to the grocery store, she passed the local bookshop and it occurred to her perhaps there was some book hiding there on a shelf that could help her find some insight into her husband's mind. She noticed the store was open and that they sold coffee too. She was ready for another cup and another excuse to delay going home. She found a parking spot, and determinedly entered the little store. Way in the back, there was a shelf entitled "Sex and Sexuality." She browsed.
There were lots of books telling women how to get/stay aroused, helpful tips on the perfect orgasm, sexual positions, homosexuality, and so forth. They were interesting, and she maybe spent a bit more time than she had planned just looking at them, but they were not helpful. She needed some clue about what was going on in Jim's head. Then just as she was about to give up, she saw a little book on the bottom shelf, not much thicker than a pamphlet, entitled, "What Men Want." She grabbed it.
It talked about all the things she'd heard before, and discussed which were true and which were just common misconceptions. Chapter Six, Page Fifty-Four covered Male Fantasies. She couldn't turn to it fast enough. The very first thing at the very top of the list was:
The most common fantasy for heterosexual men is to be with two women…
REALLY? This was news to her!
She read the blurb discussing the topic in shock. How was it she never knew this? The book didn't waste much space on it, either - it seemed that she was the only person in America who didn't know it already! She put the book down quietly, gently arranging it back on the shelf where she'd found it. She left the store and went to buy the week's groceries.
As she strolled slowly down the mostly empty aisles, it started to feel like maybe Jim wasn't so awful after all. Maybe he was just a regular guy, not the total jerk he had seemed to her in the moment. Maybe, just maybe, she'd reacted a little strongly to his request. She still felt hurt and insulted, but she felt the anger part seeping away as she filled her cart with cereal, milk, coffee, and fruit. By the time she returned home to a very sheepish Jim, she was actually ready to speak to him again.
He helped her carry in the bags and they put the food away together, as they always did. It didn't take long for all the supplies to be neatly arranged where they belonged. As they were folding up the brown paper bags, Meg said, "Jim, how about if you and I talk about last night?" He began to reply, "We don't have to if you don't want to…"
She cut him off and said gently, "I'm saying I do want to. Do you?"
"Uh, okay, if you do." He looked like a lamb going to slaughter - terrified but resigned to his fate.
They sat on the couch in the living room, not touching, but facing each other. Meg began the conversation with, "Do we have a problem, Jim? I mean, is there something missing in our sex life that you need? Please be honest with me, okay?"
He replied, "No, we don't have a problem. I love making love to you. I love coming home to you, love being with you in every way. I just thought it might be fun to do something different and a little crazy, you know, just for thrills. I wanted us to do that together. I am so sorry it came out wrong!"
She said, "Okay."
He thought he had merely been forgiven, for a split second. And then his wife shocked him as much as he had shocked her the night before as she added,
"Let's give it a try."
His wildest dream suddenly grew wings and he felt like the luckiest man on the planet. He smiled perhaps a little too widely, then checked himself and responded, "Meg, you are the best! Are you sure this is something you want to do?" His wife nodded and gave him a careful smile. And that was that.
They agreed that Meg would select the woman, and determine the time. She said when she found the right person she'd surprise him. He enthusiastically agreed and they spent the rest of Sunday pretty much as they usually did, quietly.
They had agreed not to talk about it again. It would happen when it happened, and that was how they left it. Meg began to ponder how she would manage to make it real as she went about her routine over the next few weeks.
She admitted to herself, and only herself, that the more she thought about the idea the more it intrigued her. She found herself lost in the back section of the bookstore more and more often, perusing the books on lesbian sex.
She realized that she was more aroused looking at the pictures of women together than she was by the instructions and illustrations of men and women in various positions. It scared her a little bit - this new awareness. She had never even considered having sex with another woman, and now suddenly she was becoming obsessed with the idea.
She still hadn't come up with a plan for meeting someone to bring home. She knew about those ads in the back of the paper, but that didn't appeal to her. It was too anonymous. She didn't want someone who casually slept around or who did this kind of thing as a hobby! She wanted the right woman, and she felt somehow that she would recognize her when she saw her.
She was right and she was wrong.
One late afternoon, she was interrupted there in the back section, her recent home away from home, startled by a woman's voice just behind her, saying simply, "Hello." Meg instantly closed the book in her hand and dropped it low, she hoped out of polite view. She turned and responded, "Oh, um, hello…"
When she took in the face that was gazing at her, so completely without judgment and so full of warmth, she began to relax. There was something entirely soothing and familiar about this woman, and Meg was struck by a feeling of recognition. She didn't know what else to say, so she merely stood there and smiled. The woman introduced herself as Kate, said she was the owner of the store, and asked if there was anything Meg was looking for that she couldn't find?
Meg began to stutter something about, "Oh no, I'm just browsing… I come in mostly for the coffee…" Kate listened politely, but both of them knew better.
Meg's words faded away and she and Kate found themselves grinning at one another wordlessly.
Kate broke the silence by reaching for a book on the shelf, brushing Meg's hip with her arm as she did, and retrieving a large, purple, soft-cover book with a photograph of two women kissing passionately centered on the front cover. Meg couldn't catch the title as Kate handed it to her and said, "This one's my favorite. Hey, could I get you another cup of coffee? I'll have one with you if you like - it's a little slow in here today."
Meg, stunned and still tingling from the electric rush of that brief contact with Kate's forearm, nodded and mumbled, "That would be, uh, really nice, yes, thank you, um, okay…Kate." She finally managed a smile as she said the name.
As Kate walked gracefully away to fetch the coffee, Meg realized she was incredibly aroused. She watched her new friend stride across the aisles, filled with a sense of something amazing about to happen, or was it already happening? Every nerve in her body was singing, teasing her from the inside out. She hadn't felt like this since - no, wait, had she ever felt like this? She didn't even look down at the book in her hand until Kate turned the corner by the coffee machine and fell out of sight.
And then, as she flipped quickly and surreptitiously through the pages, she realized she should just buy this one and read it when she was alone. She felt so naked, looking at it - as though anyone would be able to see right through her and know absolutely that she was beside herself with excitement. Definitely not a book for public perusal… She managed to peel her eyes away and close the book before Kate returned, if only just barely.
They settled on one of the old reading couches in the store. Kate handed her a freshly brewed cup of steaming coffee, asked her name, and asked if there was a spouse to go with the wedding ring? Meg felt somehow that she could trust this woman, and so she told her about Jim. About the marriage, about his request, and she even confessed her newfound fascination… It had been over a month since that conversation, and rather than thinking about Jim and this crazy thing they were supposed to be planning, she found herself thinking only of the possibility of being with another woman.
Kate listened, nodding and um-hmming in all the right places, encouraging the details from Meg. When the confession appeared to be complete, Kate admitted she had seen Meg come in before, in fact, had noticed her that very first Sunday morning. She also admitted she had spent an awful lot of time wondering about Meg and wishing she could just muster up the guts to say hello.
The women grinned, feeling relieved to have shared their deep secrets, sensing that a powerful bond had already begun to grow between them.
Kate asked, "So you've never even thought about kissing a woman before?"
Meg said, "Never. Not once until about a month ago, but since then, it's almost all I do think about..." Kate carefully leaned into Meg, slowly and grinning. She didn't want to overwhelm or frighten her; she simply wanted to invite. She paused with her mouth just inches from Meg's, hovering, waiting, and smiling.
Meg responded, suddenly feeling brave, and reached that last little distance between them, brushing her lips against Kate's. At the first touch of Kate's mouth on hers, Meg felt something wild come alive inside. She opened her mouth just a little and began kissing Kate for real, gently but seriously…
The kiss was perfect. Kate had soft, powerful lips. Meg felt her tongue, too, playing in her mouth, but unassuming. Kate's hands came up and caressed Meg's neck and shoulders, easing her closer while they kissed, another tender invitation. Meg's hands had ideas of their own, and sought out Kate's slim waist, one hand on each hip, tentatively encouraging Kate to rock against her…
Suddenly, the brass bell on the front door of the store rattled and rang a little warning. The women pulled back, interrupted but not quite caught. They collected themselves and steadied their breathing. Kate said, "Shit. I have to go. Can you hang around?" Meg looked at her watch and realized it was much later than she had thought, and she said, "No, Kate, I'm late. I'll have to come back. I will as soon as I can, okay?"
Kate nodded, disappointed but understanding. She smiled and touched Meg's cheek as she stood, saying, "I hope I see you again really soon." She walked off to wait on the customer who had come in and Meg finally stood on shaky legs.
The purple book was lying on the floor at her feet. She picked it up and headed to the register to pay for it. She waited like a regular customer would wait, patiently toying with the little impulse items arranged on the counter. Kate saw her standing there, and came over and rang up the sale, asking in a nonchalant voice, "Did you find everything you were looking for today?" "Uhm hmm," Meg answered. "I'll be back again very soon for more. You have an excellent selection here." She winked over her shoulder at a smiling Kate as she walked out the door.
As Meg drove home, her moment of courage began to wane. She wondered what to do with her new book - bring it home and share it with Jim, or hide it under the car seat and never look at it again? Her mind was a torrent of brave inspirations and bottomless fear, wrestling for control.
As she pulled into the garage, Jim was already home, about to take a rake off it's rack on the wall. He was hidden in shadow, and she didn't see him until it was too late. He leaned into the passenger window to say hello as she put the car in park. She never had a chance to even attempt to hide her purchase. He saw the bag on the seat and asked what she'd picked up at the bookstore…
She grabbed the bag and told him it was a little light reading, that she'd show it to him later. She feigned concern over being late to make dinner and hurried into the house. He took his rake and headed for the yard, trying to put his finger on that odd feeling he suddenly had in his guts. After five minutes, it had passed from him and he was content to tidy up the leaves and anticipate supper.
Over dinner, Meg brought out a bottle of wine. This was unusual for a weeknight, but she got no argument from Jim. She decided she needed to tell him, at least some of it, and she wanted him a little less than stone cold sober for the moment.
She tried to bring it up slowly, "Jim, remember that conversation we had about a month ago?"
He beamed. He had apparently been just aching for her to bring this up. "Yes, of course I do," was all he said.
When his wife didn't continue, he added, "Is there something happening?"
Prompted by such a direct question, Meg found it easier to answer, if only a little.
She pulled out the book and handed it to him and said, "Well, I've been thinking about it."
Jim's eyes swam over the pages, drinking in as much as he dared. He didn't want to stare - well not in front of Meg, anyway. The smile that spread across his face gave away his enthusiasm just the same. He had to work very hard to pull his eyes up from those images and resume looking at and listening to his wife.
He stammered, "Uh, yeah, so um, you've been thinking… and?"
She couldn't quite bring herself to share Kate with him. Not yet. She couldn't. She said, "Well I just wanted you to know I'm still on board. It's been a while. Didn't want you to think I forgot about it or anything…" Then, just because it suddenly occurred to her as the perfect dry run, she suggested they bring the book to bed with them and look at it together…
Neither of them could remember having such wild, passionate sex before - not even when they were first together. Yet both of them secretly wished there was an actual woman there with them, and not just pictures in a book.
Meg started spending even more time in the bookstore. She and Kate spent every moment they could together, sneaking kisses when they couldn't resist it, but trying hard to keep their relationship from progressing too quickly. Meg was afraid to ask Kate to come home with her and Kate remembered the whole story from the first day they'd spoken, and wondered what she would say to Meg when the question was inevitably asked. They stepped carefully.
One afternoon, the store was empty except for the two of them. It was almost closing time, and the weather was rotten outside. They were alone, sealed off from the rest of the world, cozy in their usual hideout. They were straightening up the books and getting ready to shut the lights out, when Kate caught the scent of Meg as she brushed by. She couldn't wait anymore.
"Hey, Meg?" she almost whispered. Meg paused, saw the sudden desperation in Kate's face, and whispered back, "Yeah?"
Kate grabbed Meg's wrists, tucked them behind the small of her back and pinned her to the wall between two bookcases. She kissed Meg, seemingly everywhere at once - her mouth, her neck, her eyelids, the hollow of her throat, back to her mouth… all the while still holding Megs hands tight behind her. She pressed herself into Meg, turning slightly and using her hip. She was almost lifting Meg from the floor with the force of her passion.
They were both panting, breathless. Meg whispered in broken breath, "I want you, Kate. Please, I want you so much." Kate answered simply, "Yes." They paused for only a moment so Kate could run and flip the sign, shut the lights, and lock the door. They were finally alone.
Kate guided Meg to the couch where they had talked that very first day, sat her gently down and began kissing her, kneeling on the floor in front of her. Her hands found Meg's thighs, massaging them and slowly moving into the crotch of Meg's jeans, caressing her through the clothes- gentle at first, then harder and deeper. The kisses grew to match the wild and frantic press of Kate's hands.
Suddenly the women realized that the jeans had to go. They paused at the same moment, and began wrestling with the button then the zipper, finally tugging at the cuffs and pulling them off and out of the way. The pants fell to the floor in a heap, panties landing right on top of them a few seconds later.
Kate plunged her fingers into Meg, unable to wait another instant. Meg arched her hips and moaned in pleasure. Their kisses were fierce as they swam in the moment, but they had waited so long, Kate couldn't resist sliding her mouth down the center of Meg's body and tasting her. She eased Meg's shoulders back with her free hand while she caressed her inside with the other.
Her mouth found Meg's little hard on instantly. Her tongue rolled over it then her lips expertly curled around and gently pulled it into her mouth. She kissed and played, pressed and then let go, licked and explored and kissed some more. She didn't recall ever feeling so happy as she did right this moment, feeling Meg twisting into this frenzy with her…
Meg rocked against Kate's mouth. She was so high - she was now sure she had never felt this way before. She was overwhelmed with gratitude to have finally found it. She writhed and pushed back into Kate, her legs wrapping around behind Kate's neck, feet coming together by her shoulder blades. Her whole body pulsed with a single rhythm - a consuming ache for more.
She let herself go entirely, and when she came, she shuddered almost violently. She was surprised with the depth of the release. It was so much more than she had ever felt. It was so…everything! Kate paused and waited for this first wave to pass, tenderly brushing Meg's belly with her fingertips, stroking her lovingly until she relaxed and became still again… Then she instantly began a new dance - quickly teasing another orgasm and then another from Meg, over and over until Meg actually begged her to stop.
They fell together into a warm, exhausted hug and cuddled up on the couch, gently rocking and trying to get their breathing to even out. Neither spoke for a while, but Kate hummed a tune in Meg's ear, softly and low as their bodies melted in relaxation.
They knew they had to talk about Jim. It was on both of their minds. Kate felt in that moment that when she was inevitably asked, she would say yes. She would do anything to be with Meg, even that. Finally, now, holding Meg in her arms, she felt that nothing could touch them; nothing could come between them, and nothing else mattered.
Meg interrupted her thoughts, saying, "Kate?"
"Mm hm…"
"I have to talk to you about something…"
"I know."
"You do? I mean do you know what I'm going to say?"
"Well, I could guess, but why don't you say what's on your mind, and then I'll know for real, okay?"
"Okay. So remember that first day that we talked?"
"Yes."
"Well, I haven't asked you to come home with me all this time for a reason. I haven't been sure, not about any of it. I've been struggling inside, trying to know what to do, and how I feel. And now I know."
Meg stopped there. It seemed she had run out of words, leaving Kate dangling and wondering how exactly it was going to sound when The Question finally hit her ears in Meg's own voice…
But it never came.
Meg said instead, "Kate, I've been in love with you for a while now. I haven't wanted to be. I have done my best to deny it, even to myself. I have tried to stay away and tried so hard not to touch you when I am around you. I care about Jim - he's a decent man, and I have felt very twisted up and guilty and confused until now. But now I don't."
She was quiet for a moment, and Kate gave her a reassuring squeeze, waiting. She continued, "I have to go home now and talk to him about you. He deserves a chance to deal with this, to be angry with me, to figure things out. It will be a while before I see you again, because he will need time and I owe him that. But when I do see you again, I will be free to be with you if you want to be with me. I love you, Kate."
Kate could barely catch her breath she was so stunned.
She managed to say only, "I'll wait, Meg. I'll wait. I love you too."
