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MONDAY'S JOKES
A personal question
A drunk young man walked up to an attractive girl and said, ''Do you mind if I ask you a personal question?''
''Yes, but I know you're going to ask eventually anyway, so let's get it over with.''
''Great. How many men have you had sex with?''
''That's my business!'' she snapped.
''Great! How much?'' he replied.
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TUESDAY'S JOKE
Two hookers standing on a corner
Two hookers standing on a street corner started discussing business. One of the hookers said, ''Gonna be a good night, I smell cock in the air.'' The other hooker looked at her and said, ''Sorry No, I just burped.''
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WEDNESDAY'S JOKE
Drinking with friends
A fellow drank with friends until they closed the bar. He staggered home about 2 o'clock and was met at the door by his wife. She was madder than hell and wanted to know where he had been all night. He said, ''I have been bird watching!''
She said, ''Bull shit! What kind of bird is out at this time of night for you to watch??''
He said, ''A double-breasted, red-headed, mattress thrasher!''
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THURSDAY'S JOKE
S and M.
Sue and Sally meet at their 30th class reunion, and they haven't seen each other since graduation. They begin to talk and bring each other up to date. The conversation covers their husbands, their children, homes, etc and finally gets around to their sex lives.
Sue says ''It's OK. We get it on every week or so but it's no big adventure, how's yours?''
Sally replies ''It's just great, ever since we got into S and M.''
Sue is aghast. ''Really Sally, I never would have guessed that you would go for that.''
''Oh, sure,'' says Sally, ''He snores while I masturbate''.
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FRIDAY'S JOKE
Is Sex Work or Play
A man wonders if having sex on the Sabbath is a sin because he is not sure if sex is work or play. He asks a priest for his opinion on this question. The priest says after consulting the Bible," My son, after an exhaustive search I am positive sex is work and is not permitted on Sundays."
The man thinks: ''What does a priest know of sex?" He goes to a minister... a married man, experienced... for the answer. He queries the minister and receives the same reply..Sex is work and not for the Sabbath! Not pleased with the reply, he seeks out the ultimate authority: a man of thousands of years tradition and knowledge... A Rabbi.
The Rabbi ponders the question and states,'' My son, sex is definitely play.'' The man replies,'' Rabbi, how can you be so sure when so many others tell me sex is work?!'' The Rabbi softly speaks, ''If sex were work... my wife would have the maid do it."
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SATURDAY'S JOKES
She Took Her Troubles to a Psychiatrist
A young woman took her troubles to a psychiatrist. ''Doctor, you must help me,'' she pleaded. ''It's gotten so that every time I date a nice guy, I end up in bed with him. And then afterward, I feel guilty and depressed for a week.''
"I see,'' nodded the psychiatrist. ''And you, no doubt, want me to strengthen your will power and resolve in this matter.''
"For God's sake, NO!'' exclaimed the woman. ''I want you to fix it so I won't feel guilty and depressed afterward."
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Warm and Inviting
It looked warm and dark, and juicy and inviting. I wasn't sure just what I wanted to do with it. I carefully pulled it apart with my fingers to look into it better. I knew how great it would be if I just started eating it.
But first I decided to put ketchup on my burger. SHAME ON YOU, WHAT DID YOU THINK I WAS TALKING ABOUT?
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SUNDAY'S JOKES
Undertaker
Grand, an undertaker in Pennsylvania came home with a black eye.
"What happened to you?'' asked his wife.
"I had a terrible day,'' replies Grand.
"I had to go to a hotel and pick up a man who had died in his sleep. When I got there, the manager said they couldn't get him into a body bag because he had this huge erection.
Anyway, I find the room and, sure enough, there's this big naked guy lying on the bed with this huge erection. So I did what I always do; I grabbed it with both hands and tried to snap it in half."
"I see,'' says his wife. ''But how did you get the black eye?"
Grand replies, ''Wrong room!"
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Vaseline Survey
A man doing market research knocked on a door and was greeted by a young woman with three small children running around at her feet. He says, 'I'm doing some research for Vaseline. Have you ever used the product?'
She says, 'Yes. My husband and I use it all the time.'
'And if you don't mind me asking, what do you use it for?'
'We use it for sex.'
The researcher was a little taken back. 'Usually people lie to me and say that they use it on a child's bicycle chain or to help with a gate hinge. But, in fact, I know that most people do use it for sex. I admire you for your honesty. Since you've been frank so far, can you tell me exactly how you use it for sex?'
The woman says, 'I don't mind telling you at all... My husband and I put it on the door knob and it keeps the kids out.'
