As I sit here, after being hung up on by someone I considered a potentially good candidate as friend and confidante, someone I bared my soul to without fear of harsh treatment or abuse; I ponder what is my loneliness at this point in my life. I am drowning. I can not catch my breath. Im afraid. I am trying desperately to keep my head above the water, and keep the masses happy all at the same time. The masses are using my sinking carcass to stand on ... and while they all continue to breath... I'm smothering.
I look at this situation I have been in for the last two months with great sadness and disenchatment. The realization that I had what I coin now as a little "fantasy world" of friends for the first time in most of my life is like watching glass break once a rock has hit it hard enough to puncture not break through and the cracks run through. At some point a solid pain of glass crumbles and It feels like my glass world is shattered. I almost don't wish to get the broom and dustpan out to clear up the disaster. I just want to walk away from it as easily as my "so-called" friends have done.
What I am finding out, piece by piece from the glass that lays on the ground; reflections of the true situation versus the twisted perception that I had of it. Friends, were not true friends, and I have consistently been in denial over and over again that it is what it truly is versus the facade I apparently made it into. In "my world" (as the confidante stated) behind this tattered glass, I am cared for, I am loved, I am deemed worthy of friendship and trust and loyalty. I command an attentive audience. In reality, the shards deny me this life.
Reality is... that I might be loved, but I don't know by whom for sure at this point. I might be cared for but I have not been shown this but by very very few and only recently has it been shown to me again by a most unexpected individual (which while I sit here crying over the pain of the loss, I still smile knowing that you are here for me). I am not worthy of friendship in their eyes because of where my head is at right now. Loyalty was never an offering because it could not be granted to me if I could not be the light, the sunshine, all of the time.
I sit here fumbling through the pieces of glass as it cuts my hands. The pain of this almost providing some sort of release for the disappointment and disenchantment that I feel with those that I thought I had so eloquently chosen to share my life with. In the end, Im alone and remorseful for the love I had for these "friends" that was stepped on and cast aside without much thought to the time that was spent to build this.
I have very few real friends. They know of whom I speak and there is no doubt in their mind of whom they are to me, of the love I have for them and for the joy they bring to my life even in these last two months where there hasnt been alot of joy at all but rock blast after rock blast that has shattered everything I knew. They "get" me ... the eb and flow of me and they are ok with all of it as the good significantly outweighs the bad. It is realized that those who had only shallow interest would not make it through any storm... but would just float on by with the current. I just wish there was some civil way to convey just how hard it has been for me to handle all of these blows at once. You have been here in this place where I reside at this moment, but the memory of this hell is not fresh in your mind. You can not conceive again what it was like for you thus you can not understand the pain I feel or even bare it again when it is not your own.
But even sitting here, tears pouring down my face, cuts on my hands, blood dripping from me taking some of my life with it.... I'm still alive, I'm still breathing, I'm still taking the punches like a champ and I'm still standing, soon to be dreaming the most eloquent dreams that sooth me til I have to face another day... and You aren't here any longer. You cause me no further pain or turmoil. You judge me no longer and you do not continue to antagonize or patronize me. You have cast me aside now and I am free of your inauthenticity, your insensitivity, and lack of empathy for the rest of human kind. I'm free to be me now; the me you suppressed with your intentions of making me to be something else.. something not quite me at all but your own twisted perception through beveled glass.
The loner in me is glad you are gone.... I can breath again.
