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Well I have been doing some thinking as late and while I always new an "About Me" section would never ever be finished, I have determined that its definitely a "living" document that will be expounded on from time to time. Most of the time it's going to grow from some experience that I have had that has affected me in such a way that there is a personal shift in my way of thinking, way of living or way of being and such. Other times it's just going to be updated to include things that were overlooked previously and that should be stated because too many assumptions (a bad thing by the way) were made about me, about things, etc.

So... first on the list for some truly dear friends of mine:

  • I do NOT have ESP.
  • I am not Clairvoyant on even a minute level. I do not own a crystal ball, and I am not a mindreader.

Honestly, if these are skills that everyone else on the planet has and I don't, then I was apparently wandering around on the day they gave those out. I didn't even see those on the list of abilities once you get to "Oracle" here on Fubar.

So I guess..... if you want me to know that while you were chatting with me, you decided to step away to go to the bathroom, then your mom called, and 45 minutes later your dinner that you decided to start cooking (before your mom called and right after the bathroom) started burning and you had to start all over from scratch after hanging up with your mom... Only to return to the chat window 2 hours after we started chatting.... Im assuming you'd probly NEED to tell me that.

There is NO WAY on God's green earth I would have ever in my life thought to think while I was sitting here off and on for 2 hours waiting for you to respond to what I said (is this indicative of having no life or sincere dedication to pay attention to you and have a decent information exchange?), that you had basically just left me hanging and "life" got in the way.

Im not saying that "everyone" would think that this sort of scenario is rude. Apparently the person doing such a thing didn't think it was rude because he was the one that kinda chewed my a$$ for thinking something like.... "Wow.... I havent heard from him in a while... I wonder if I said something wrong?" Im not allowed to think that, Im not allowed at all to come to any sort of conclusion based on what I know of the situation. I assume that the learning experience for me is to just across the board assume that anyone that "chats" with me online is merely seeking to pass the time and if they stop responding to me something more interesting has taken over and I should go find something else to do. Otherwise, if conversing with me was important; the person wanting to communicate with me, will call or ask to meet me for coffee if it is logistically possible. (The calling or meeting in person is actually MANDATORY if an misunderstanding/argument has ensued. If you dont have the time to call or meet then consider this cyber connection dissolved. Thank you for playing our game.)

Whew.... more to come.

The worst thing about being lied to, is knowing that you werent worth the truth. *kttn*
Love, as defined by wikipedia-- "is a constellation of emotions and experiences related to a sense of strong affection or profound oneness. The meaning of love varies relative to context. Romantic love is seen as an ineffable feeling of intense attraction shared in passionate or intimate attraction and intimate interpersonal and sexual relationships. Love can also be construed as Platonic love, religious love, familial love, and, more casually, great affection for anything considered strongly pleasurable, desirable, or preferred, to include activities and foods. This diverse range of meanings in the singular word love is often contrasted with the plurality of Greek words for love, reflecting the concept's depth, versatility, and complexity." As I am writing this, I have not looked up the definition to love just yet; as I am wasting time on the airplane; drinking chardonnay in First Class, writing my thoughts into blogs again. But I am almost pretty sure that my own thoughts on the “L” word aren’t entirely similar to those in the definition. I could be wrong, and if I am after looking it up, I will certainly make amendments at the end of this blog to incorporate that. But at this time I want to go with the thought that there is an impression in my mind of what Love is, via the social standard of thinking, and then there is my idea of what love is to me. (note, I am thinking in reading the definition of Love per Wikipedia that it does some of the gest of how I perceive love... I didnt get too deep into the definition as I like what i saw in the very beginning). For ME- the L word just isnt all that. Meaning, that in my observation of how people perceive love, or “react” to someone who says “I love you”… it seems to me that ppl put a lot of significance on the word Love. It IS a significant word, don’t get me wrong; but I just think there are other words out there that seem to me to have more of an impact than “Love” and when someone hears THESE words, they should freak, not upon hearing the L word. Adore, Cherish, Worship, Devoted to, Treasure… those are a few I can think of right now. To me though, I wouldnt specifically be afraid of these words either as they dont tend to imply to me that I should be afraid of the emotions that bring forth these feelings, but then again being a woman I am dont tend to be afraid of emotions on most levels. (Id like to mention right now that the Chardonnay is tasting yummy, and making me rather warm and bubbly as I sit and think of the one person who comes to mind as to WHY I am writing this.) Love is the word I use to tell my mom, dad and brother that I care for them deeply and that I am ever so grateful that they saw fit to bring me into this world, raise me to be the person that I am, and teach me to be a good person with good work ethic and an appreciation and respect for others, as well as life itself. I love them for the people that they are, for their tie to me, and for all that they have gone through with me and are still here for me after all this time. They are my family and will always be there for me and I am here for them. Love is also the word I use with my friends. Some of them I tell that I Love them, and those that are ever so close to me understand that the love I have for them is a great appreciation/respect for them as human beings, as people on the planet, as people in my life whom have come my way and chosen to be connected to me in friendship and mutual respect. I truly love (treausre/cherish/adore) my friends and in some rare instances, I worship them (Lisa, Cori). Maybe it is because there are so few of them that “get” me. Being that I am a rather complicated and sometimes difficult person to get along with, the FEW that have made it through the test of time with me, are treasured more than any jewel or precious metal. I hope that they will always understand that when I say I love them, it means that they are so very important to me and that I truly would do anything in the world for them. Love as a connection to people. When meeting someone that I connect with in a way that is unique to that person, I feel compelled to express what I am feeling. At times, I am merely feeling a connection of fate- as if I have spent my whole life living parallel to this person and finally our paths have crossed and I feel the connection there. This is powerful to me and I feel compelled to speak of that connection in what ever verbage comes to mind at the time. Then there is that connection that is something entirely different, completely unique to the person I am connecting with, with such an overpowering sense of emotion. This connection for me, is one of Love (admiration/respect/fascination/passion). Honestly if asked to explain it (and I have been asked or felt compelled to explain it because the response to “I love you” too early in a connection, tends to freak some people out- especially someone who might not quite know what to do with someone like me, that thinks like I do, and is in the specific situation that I am in) it is very hard to put into words. Hypothetically, If I meet someone that is everything I have looked for in a person but wasn’t even aware that I was looking for those things until I meet this particular person, can institute a connection that might bring about the expression of love. If I get butterflies in my stomach the instant that I look into their eyes, and embrace their gorgeous smile, I could be moved to the emotion of love. If the thought of them embracing me, whispering my name in the voice that is only theirs, sends shockwaves through my body, I could easily equate this to love (but in thinking of these more physical signs, it seems they would most likely equate to “lust” for the general populous.) I guess it is truly up to the interpretation of the receiving party more than it is the one speaking the sentiment. This is where it is seemingly dangerous territory in speaking such depth of emotions early on in a connection. I feel no shame in saying that I love the person that I am connected to, and I merely wish he could understand that I mean it with the best intentions, and with the deepest of emotion. I don’t mean it in harm or even as something that I expect the person to return. Love is something I give and do not expect to get in return. If I do get it in return, then all the better as it recharges my own supply to continue to give. So to my dearest friend that struggles with the thought that I have confided in him that I love him (his eyes, his smile, his character, his being), and is not receiving it well- please take it for what it is worth per my definition of the word, not what you are conditioned to know. Know that it is a sincere form of care for you, the deepest of concern for your well being and the desire that your heart holds a place for me, definable or not. You are a wonderful person, with so much to give and experience in life and I wish you the best in everything you do and I hope that you continue to share these things with me. You are a kind soul and I am very thankful that you have come into my life in whatever capacity you wish to be and allowed me the time you have permitted up to this point. I am here for you if you need me, and contrary to what I said the other day… if you miss me, please tell me. Please text me, and let me know. Its nice to know that you are thinking of me; as I am thinking of you. There is nothing more that I want in this time in my life is to resolve whatever issues we might have at this time and move forward from here. *kttn* I love Monkey and everything that he is, even though he doesnt seem to understand me, my way of thinking or how I live my life. Doesnt change that I love him all the same.
And its cover, are just not what you might assume it to be. I have noticed that a lot of people seem to assume a lot of different things about me, that I just don't believe to be true about me. 1. I'm not stuck up or stuck on myself. I have absolutely no reason to be (if anything I'm rather insecure and unsure of myself regarding some things in life). If anything, I'm just different and some people accept that and some see it as a reason to say sh*tty things to me. It bothers me that people do go out of their way to say sh*tty things to me when I feel I haven't done anything to deserve it. 2. Although I live my life a different way, it doesn't make me wrong. It just makes me different. It doesn't make you wrong for not agreeing with the way I live my life. I feel that I am experiencing everything I can in life on as many levels as I can so that when its time to meet the maker, I don't think I have missed out on a whole lot. And everyone has a different definition of what "living life" is all about. To some, its living for their children, to others its living for their spouses and for me, its living for myself and hoping to bring something to the lives of those I touch along the way. 3. I am a very open and honest person. I am not the blunt sort most of the time because I feel that in some instances, some people blur blunt and tactless and there is a huge difference between the two. I honestly believe that you can be blunt and tactful at the same time. It just takes giving a sh*t about the person you are conveying your message to and clarifying what it is you are trying to communicate. But above all, even if your honesty lacks tact, I want it. I need it. I give it, and I want to get it back. 4. I don't play games here and I have nothing to hide. I am a total attention whore and that is why I am here. I am probably more of a tease than anything because I post the pictures I post but I am not going to sleep with the guys who view them. But, in a twisted bit of psychology, I come here for acceptance; and I take the good with the bad... and there is generally a lot of bad here more so than the good. And coming here for such a thing as acceptance has its ups and downs and tends to create a target on my head for the negativity that is just human nature I suppose. Misery loves company and I believe that quite a few people operate on this mentality. I'm not a miserable person, I have good and bad days and its a crap shoot sometimes between the rejection letters I get from interviews I have done; to the weather; to someone saying something negative to me because my nudes folder isn't available to anyone to see; to meeting someone really cool here that I really like a lot and being completely blown away that a place like this could bring me someone like that to be a part of my life. 5. I flirt here a lot, just like everyone else and it's all in fun for the game (I'm a point whore too apparently lol); but the people that are truly important to me, that I know in real life are on the top of my family and friends. These are the ppl that I chat with here pretty consistently or on yahoo, but I either talk to them on the phone or cuddle with them on the couch at night. Better yet, some of those closest to me, don't live anywhere near me but they know that they are significant to me; no ifs and's or but's. I do everything in my power to let them know that they are special to me, that I am very happy having them as a part of my life (even when it's hard to convey the message to someone who doesn't exactly think of interactions with others the way I do). 6. My interactions with people are very important to me and I do not discriminate on where when or how I interact with people, its just interactions in general. From the person I said hi to in the Barnes and Noble parking lot yesterday as I was getting out of my vehicle and headed in, to the person I started chatting with on fubar maybe a week ago that consumes some of the thoughts I have during the day when I am not chatting with him or talking to him on the phone. From the really awesome soul I met at the AVN a few weeks back that I am going to visit this weekend, to the people I support in my volunteer position with the USN. As much as I have suffered such negativity from people as a whole, I still truly love people and their energy and their thoughts and the life they bring to my own life. I know that the negativity I have experienced is truly my own fault for letting it get to me, but that's just another way I am broken. I think though that the more I tend to appreciate the good people that do come into my life; be it for a moment or for a lifetime, the easier it gets to sluff off the negative and truly dive into the positive and soak it in. I was just doing some thinking this evening after having a discussion with a friend and I thought that I would just put some of my thoughts out there.... it helps me to clear my head. *kttn*
As I sit here, after being hung up on by someone I considered a potentially good candidate as friend and confidante, someone I bared my soul to without fear of harsh treatment or abuse; I ponder what is my loneliness at this point in my life. I am drowning. I can not catch my breath. Im afraid. I am trying desperately to keep my head above the water, and keep the masses happy all at the same time. The masses are using my sinking carcass to stand on ... and while they all continue to breath... I'm smothering. I look at this situation I have been in for the last two months with great sadness and disenchatment. The realization that I had what I coin now as a little "fantasy world" of friends for the first time in most of my life is like watching glass break once a rock has hit it hard enough to puncture not break through and the cracks run through. At some point a solid pain of glass crumbles and It feels like my glass world is shattered. I almost don't wish to get the broom and dustpan out to clear up the disaster. I just want to walk away from it as easily as my "so-called" friends have done. What I am finding out, piece by piece from the glass that lays on the ground; reflections of the true situation versus the twisted perception that I had of it. Friends, were not true friends, and I have consistently been in denial over and over again that it is what it truly is versus the facade I apparently made it into. In "my world" (as the confidante stated) behind this tattered glass, I am cared for, I am loved, I am deemed worthy of friendship and trust and loyalty. I command an attentive audience. In reality, the shards deny me this life. Reality is... that I might be loved, but I don't know by whom for sure at this point. I might be cared for but I have not been shown this but by very very few and only recently has it been shown to me again by a most unexpected individual (which while I sit here crying over the pain of the loss, I still smile knowing that you are here for me). I am not worthy of friendship in their eyes because of where my head is at right now. Loyalty was never an offering because it could not be granted to me if I could not be the light, the sunshine, all of the time. I sit here fumbling through the pieces of glass as it cuts my hands. The pain of this almost providing some sort of release for the disappointment and disenchantment that I feel with those that I thought I had so eloquently chosen to share my life with. In the end, Im alone and remorseful for the love I had for these "friends" that was stepped on and cast aside without much thought to the time that was spent to build this. I have very few real friends. They know of whom I speak and there is no doubt in their mind of whom they are to me, of the love I have for them and for the joy they bring to my life even in these last two months where there hasnt been alot of joy at all but rock blast after rock blast that has shattered everything I knew. They "get" me ... the eb and flow of me and they are ok with all of it as the good significantly outweighs the bad. It is realized that those who had only shallow interest would not make it through any storm... but would just float on by with the current. I just wish there was some civil way to convey just how hard it has been for me to handle all of these blows at once. You have been here in this place where I reside at this moment, but the memory of this hell is not fresh in your mind. You can not conceive again what it was like for you thus you can not understand the pain I feel or even bare it again when it is not your own. But even sitting here, tears pouring down my face, cuts on my hands, blood dripping from me taking some of my life with it.... I'm still alive, I'm still breathing, I'm still taking the punches like a champ and I'm still standing, soon to be dreaming the most eloquent dreams that sooth me til I have to face another day... and You aren't here any longer. You cause me no further pain or turmoil. You judge me no longer and you do not continue to antagonize or patronize me. You have cast me aside now and I am free of your inauthenticity, your insensitivity, and lack of empathy for the rest of human kind. I'm free to be me now; the me you suppressed with your intentions of making me to be something else.. something not quite me at all but your own twisted perception through beveled glass. The loner in me is glad you are gone.... I can breath again.

Things that I have learned ... and this might be something I learned recently, or that I just got the light bulb on in one of the Depressive/Manic phases of my "Bipolarness" (either way the list will continue to grow considering I love learning... even the hard lessons). 1. That as much as I and most of my colleagues consider the internet a useful means of communication and connectivity to people we might not have ever run into in "real life"; the rest of the world seems to think it's one big SIMSONLINE game where you pick a character and a personality .... and "act" out scenarios that otherwise they dont have the b*lls to handle in real life. Its just so easy to come here and be something your not, to the people who are actually Authentic. Authenticity.... word of the day!! 2. That no matter how much you think you can change someones mind about something.... its their mind... and Only they can change it. This would apply to things like.... "Well I thought I could change him once we got married" and other things along the same lines. 3. That Macs, are way better than PC; Hands Down. (dont hate on me Scott you just want my Mac, you want it, you know it! - giggles) 4. That some ppl are stupid enough to take their 8 year olds to Vegas!!!! Um hello didnt someone coin the phrase that Vegas is the Disneyland for ADULTS!! Sin City for a reason ppl... 5. That there should be mandatory sterilization for some states ;) lets start with MS, AL, AR and Mexico (yes i know its a country but isnt Baja california still a state considering the illegals come and go from there as they please) 6. That even in California, I am still surrounded by Conservativism that is absolutely smothering me. 7. That after ten years, ex boyfriends can forgive and still love you for the wonderful person that they always thought you were. And I love you back! 8. That for some reason... love can't/won't/doesn't last forever and well.... I guess you just have to be ok with that. 9. That most people .... are really not willing to be a real friend. 10. VERY few people know what polyamorous means. Most people confuse it for Polygamy, or twist it into something that suits their own use. 11. That for whatever reason, some people are just going to be d*ckheads. It's in their blood. They are wishy washy- they say they are interested in meeting you and then continually come up with excuses as to why they cant or they turn it around and say YOU arent doing anything to make it happen. Odd how that works... as it really does seem to be against a law of physics or something. pffft They are Flakey which kinda maps back to the wishy washy thing. They are completely self absorbed and when you arent catering to their self worshipping then you fall below par on the worthiness scale and so on.... As of 7/1/2008; this is it for now. *kttn*

About ~*CutePsychoKttn*~

I am definitely a walking contradiction; an enigma in most senses of the word.


I am happily married; completely satisfied with my life and my partner; but my marriage is flexible and I desire more from life; from people I interact with, and from the experiences that are allowed us in this lifetime. Pushing the envelope of social standards is what I crave; polyamorous is what I am. I truly believe that drama is not a negative; but the spice of life that makes this time we have been blessed with worth experiencing.
I have posted ads on adult websites where "getting laid" is the primary objective for lack of a straight forward avenue I can follow to obtain what I pursue (as sex is not my number one priority). I prefer the intensity of meeting and connecting with someone new and exciting but then the prolonged period of learning each and every nuance of that person. Maybe we develop a relationship full of passion and spontaneous interludes, but maybe we only develop a friendship of caring and sharing- ONLY TIME WILL TELL (if u don't have it to invest, then we will never know).
I know that I am not for everyone and am accepting of that, but I am intensely impacted by the negative energy some people attempt to force upon me here. The anonymity here seems to bring out the worst in most people. So many proclaim to be open minded but are merely sexually uninhibited; which is not one in the same. To judge anyone's reason for being here is not even close to open minded.
I am completely transparent however opaquely complicated. I am simple to please but overtly complex in nature. I am conservative in some of my thoughts and the way I carry myself; but I have participated most of my adult life in alternative lifestyles and am genuinely curious to learn more. I am an intellectual but sometimes I sacrifice spelling accuracy and correct grammar for whatever gets the point across in the least amount of time/space due to impatience. I am completely grounded and level headed while being completely clinically psychotic. Welcome to my world; Cute psycho polyamorous kttn:

Polyamorous = pertaining to participation in multiple and simultaneous loving and/or sexual relationships (relationship being the key word). This doesn't specifically relate to merely hoarding multiple sexual partners. The ultimate situation would be one where everyone I love knows each other and is accepting of each connection I have.

Psycho = Bipolar, ADD, SAD, OCD, Pyromaniac, Anal retentive, Control Freak, Attention whore, Sarcastic Bitch that lives for the drama of life. If you honestly don't seem to understand that you aren't truly living if you don't have some drama in your life, then this is where you should move on to the next fubarian...

Everyone says, its just the internet, its just a facade and I guess for the most part it is what you make of it... but keeping an open mind, keeping it "real", being engaging and willing to engage, while being respectful of the fact that the bottom line is, this is another person you are interacting with on the other end of the computer .... the Golden Rule applies to the internet just as much as it applies to the real world. Internet life is what you make of it.


Likes

Dislikes

Harleys & SportBikes Dishonesty
Leather Bullshit
Manly Cologne (& wearing it myself the next morning) Disrespect
Shaved Heads Self Centeredness
The Color Black Obnoxiousness
Open mindedness Close mindedness
Freedom Feeling confined
Honesty and trust Lacking Sense of Humor
Sarcasm and Wit Passing Judgement

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