Ok....here it is...the final part to all of this..............
I've FINALLY opened up and told my heart and mind to the world, a lot of people have said WTF??? Others have said BRAVO.....I have to say thank you to all for your input, both good and bad.
It was suggested by a very dear and close friend of mine that I find a way to express myself in some manner, so that I could bare my core, showing the world around me that I have a heart and soul, and what it is I deal with from the inside. He told me that I keep way to much inside, and that it's eating away at me. For some strange reason, that brought immediate tears to my eyes, and a horrible feeling in my gut.
I knew he was right, and I thought about it for days until I finally came to the decision that it needed to be done. So there is the reason I did all of this. Good, bad, or indifferent, it's all out there for anyone who cares to read it, and it's gonna stay out there.
So now, here are a few of the lessons I've learned in life:
Honor, such a powerful word, one a lot of people in this world know so little about. It's heart and soul are the beginnings of what a man should be.
Integrity, another powerful word, one that is again, greatly missing in this world. We are all brought up to have it, then shown by the world around us that to have it means that you will lose in life....but God help you if you don't keep your integrity. Because if you don't what else do you TRUELY own?
Honesty, the major portion of integrity, start with yourself, be honest there, then the rest comes easily. Without honesty, there is no trust, only lies.
Discipline, now heres a kicker for you. You have to have discipline, without that, the rest can't work. Discipline in your actions, in your words, in your thoughts, in every aspect of your life. Without discipline, everything becomes chaos, everything you do turns to crap, nothing works, and people see that in you.
I can clearly see how many things in my life brought me to this point, some I am ashamed of, some I'm proud of, many I'm surprised at when I look back on.
My childhood..... not the greatest, but definately not the worst. I had parents that love me, cared for me, and did their best to raise me. A mom that fought for me against insurmountable odds, a dad that tried hard to raise me in impossible conditions.
Grandparents that did the very best they could to protect me, love me, and teach me the right way to live. They took me and my sis in when things got bad, they simply did their best to raise us....God rest their souls.
A brother and three sisters that were pretty basically pains in the ass...but I love them all dearly, I was the oldest, so I was the protector, the elder, the one to look up to...well....most of the time...hehehehe.
A first wife who tried, well, pretty much, just wasn't in the cards I guess.
A second wife, who really tried, put up with my crap for a lotta years. She was, and is, a GOOD woman, I don't want anyone to misunderstand me about that. I just wasn't the man she needed me to be....but I'll always love her, and that fact is undeniable.
Two beautiful step children who taught me sooooo much about growing up, patience, laughter, and love. They will never believe you if you tell them how much I love them, but I do, and I know it. Thats my reward for being a father to them. I get to watch them use some of the lessons in life I managed to teach them, and that is a true delight.
A son of my own that you probably know by now how I feel about him. Still do, always will, and nothing in this world will ever change that.
Friends who have taught me the truest meaning of the word "friendship". My only hope with them is that someday, I can return the help and kindnesses they given me.
Family who didn't turn their backs on me when, by some rights, they should have. But, then again, neither did I....I guess thats a little of how family works.
So you see, I'm not complaining about lifes little twists and turns, I just wonder how it has affected me and my decisions of late? I seem to have taken a trip to this place in my mind that told me I needed to stop and look at me, see what I'm becoming, see what I've done with my life. When I did, I didn't like what I saw.
I had a family that was held together by my own love for my son, nothing more. I had no real career to speak of, no real way of telling my worth as a man in sociaty, and no end to the struggle just to keep myself afloat.
Add to the mix, a wife who had no respect for me, a son who was beginning to doubt me, and friends who were losing faith in me. Well, not a pretty picture.
Then I looked back at my service to the country, so many things endured, so many scars inside. But through it all, I'm proud of my work, proud of my actions, proud of who I was and what I served. Yeah, it caused some damage, but I managed to make it through it and work things out. So lots of good lessons in there too.
Nope, didn't like where the twists and turns I was letting my life lead me too.....not one bit. I knew that changes needed to be made, so one fine day, I decided to make them. Although the changes started at home with me, they soon took on a life of their own, and pretty soon, I was seeing a different man emerging. A man I liked !!! How different was THAT !!!
He actually stood for things that meant something, things like Honor, Respect, Discipline, Honesty.....hmmm...I LIKE this guy.....and that was a novel feeling for me. I liked the fact that I regretted some of my past, I liked the fact that I wanted badly to do different. I liked that VERY much.
Now all I had to do, was do everything accordingly.....oh boy....didn't like that part all that much. Oh well, if things were gonna change, thats what needed to happen. So I started trying to making them happen.
I found it funny how things twisted and turned. One day everything was fine, the next, not so fine, then one day, I'd turn around, look back and see all the foot steps through my own flower bed lead to where I was standing. I looked back and saw how many things I've bulldozed my way through, and saw how many people I'd hurt in doing so
All I can do now is let them all know that I regret hurting anyone, it was never my intention to do so. I just needed it understood that I was at a major juncture in my life that is still leading me down the path I've chosen. That path is already taking me on a wonderful journey of discovery of myself and my own destiny.
So ok, I've made these changes, now I'm sitting here in a lonely little apartment, writing about my life, keeping my thoughts in order. I've worked hard to make things right for my family, still have a long way to go, but I'll get there. Working hard to do things right for my career, finding that part really difficult, it seems that keeping my thoughts and feelings out in view of those around me is a still a bit hard to do.
Mostly......making sure my integrity is intact and not letting it slip back to my old patterns is the tough one. Still finding that eating my words is a bit bitter and usually not a pleasant thing to do. But, I'm learning to do it all right. I mean, don't get me wrong, I'm not a liar, I can't stand that in people, nope. I just seem to have the habit of telling the part of the truth that I think people need to hear......that seems to be my biggest problem.
That has turned things in nighmares for the most part, so I'm really working hard on that. Never told anyone how I felt, or if I did, I held back, I worked my way around things so that if I did tell them anything, I held the core to myself. Never letting them see completely inside of me.
Now I know that your thinking "Hey, thats not so bad", but I did that with EVERYBODY, hell, even myself sometimes....I just simply denied the feelings and thoughts to myself. Pain city there....a bomb just waiting to explode inside of me. So you see, not a good place to be, and it took an extraordinary man to see it in me and point it out.....so to him, I have many thanks to send. Hehe...and he doesn't even know i'm doing this yet....maybe I'll show him someday....just for spite !!!
Ok, now I'm sure your all wondering where this has lead me, well thats easy. You see, I happy now, I see whats in front of me, I look more closely at whats around me, I feel the things that God placed here to be aware of.
I notice the little things, the feelings, the touches, the emotions that they bring. And now, I'm not afraid of them, I don't deny them, I actually am embracing them for a change. And it's incredible how much I've missed !!!
I know now what I need to do, and I'm striving for it. Even though I make plenty of blunders along the way, I pick myself up, dust off my butt, and keep on going. Learning whatever lesson I need to learn.
And I still make plenty of blunders too......plenty of them....but, there is one think in my life now that isn't a blunder, someone out there that has made a world of difference to me. She helped me through, so here it is.....Thank you Kim.......Your a true friend indeed.
More to come.......
