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MONDAY'S JOKES ARE IN BLONDE JOKES
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OOPS! I DIDN'T REALIZE I HAD SO MANY, SO I'LL PICK ON THE MEN TUES. THROUGH SUN. AND RESUME BLONDE JOKES AGAIN ON MONDAYS. *** HEY GUYS, IT'S ONLY FAIR.
******************************************************************** TUESDAY'S JOKE
Wife Control
There were three guys talking in the pub. Two of them are talking about the amount of control they have over their wives, while the third remains quiet.
After a while one of the first two turns to the third and says, "Well, what about you, what sort of control do you have over your wife?"
The third fellow says "I'll tell you. Just the other night my wife came to me on her hands and knees."
The first two guys were amazed. "What happened then?" they asked. "She said, 'get out from under the bed and fight like a man'."
******************************************************************** WEDNESDAY'S JOKE
Oil Change instructions for Women:
1.Drive into Ultra Tune when the odometer reaches 10,000 kilometers since the last oil change.
2.Drink a cup of coffee , read free paper.3.15 minutes later, pay bill leave with a properly maintained vehicle.
Money spent:
Oil Change: $40.00
Coffee: $2.00
Total: $42.00
Oil Change instructions for Men:
1. Wait until Saturday, drive to auto parts store and buy a case of oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree, write a cheque for $50.00.
2. Stop by the Bottle Shop and buy a slab of beer, write a cheque for $40, drive home.
3. Open a beer and drink it.
4. Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.
5. Find jack stands under caravan.
6. In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
7. Place drain pan under engine.
8. Look for 9/16 box end wrench.
9. Give up and use crescent wrench.
10. Unscrew drain plug.
11. Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: splash hot oil on you in process. Curse and swear.
12. Crawl out from under car to wipe hot oil off face and arms. Throw kitty litter on spilled oil.
13. Have another beer while watching oil drain.
14. Spend 30 minutes looking for oil filter wrench.
15. Give up; crawl under car and hammer a screwdriver through oil filter and twist off.
16. Crawl out from under car with dripping oil filter splashing oil everywhere from holes.
17. Cleverly, hide old oil filter among trash in trash can to avoid environmental penalties.
18. Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to gasket surface.
19. Dump first liter of fresh oil into engine.
20. Remember drain plug from step 11. Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
21. Drink beer.
22. Discover that first liter of fresh oil is now on the floor. Throw kitty litter on oil spill.
23. Get drain plug back in with only a minor spill. Drink beer.
24. Crawl under car getting kitty litter into eyes. Wipe eyes with oily rag used to clean drain plug.
25. Slip with stupid crescent wrench tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on frame removing any excess skin between knuckles and frame.
26. Begin swearing fit.
27. Throw stupid crescent wrench.
28. Beer.
29. Clean up hands and bandage as required to stop blood flow.
30. Beer.
31. Dump in five fresh litres of oil.
32. Beer.
33. Lower car from jack stands.
34. Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during any missed steps.
35. Beer.
36. Test drive car.
37. Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence.
38. Car is impounded.
39. Call loving wife, make bail.
40. 12 hours later, get car from impound yard.
Money spent:
Parts: $50.00
DUI: $2500.00
Impound fee: $75.00
Bail: $1500.00
Beer: $40.00
Total: $4,185.00
But you know the job was done right!
******************************************************************** THURSDAY'S JOKE
Types of Men You Might See in the Men's Restroom
* EXCITABLE: Shorts half twisted around, cannot find hole, rips shorts.
* SOCIABLE: Joins friends in a piss whether he has to or not.
* CROSS-EYED: Looks into next urinal to see how the other guy is fixed.
* TIMID: Can't piss if someone's watching, flushes urinal, comes back later.
* INDIFFERENT: All urinals being used, pisses in sink.
* CLEVER: No hands, fixes tie, looks around and usually pisses on floor.
* WORRIED: Not sure of where he has been lately, makes quick inspection.
* FRIVOLOUS: Plays stream up, down and across urinals, tries to hit fly or bug.
* ABSENT-MINDED: Opens vest, pulls out tie, pisses in pants.
* CHILDISH: Pisses directly in bottom of urinal, likes to see it bubble.
* SNEAK: Farts silently while pissing, acts very innocent, knows man in next stall will get blamed.
* PATIENT: Stands very close for a long while waiting, reads with free hand.
* DESPERATE: Waits in long line, teeth floating, pisses in pants.
* TOUGH: Bangs pecker on side of urinal to dry it.
* FAT: Backs up and takes a blind shot at urinal, pisses in shoe.
* LITTLE: Stands on box, falls in, drowns.
* DRUNK: Holds right thumb in left hand, pisses in pants.
* DISGRUNTLED: Stands for a while, gives up, walks away.
* CONCEITED: Holds two-inch pecker like a baseball bat.
* RADICAL: Ignores urinal. Pisses on wall.
******************************************************************** FRIDAY'S JOKES
Statistics
Statistics say that women think they are smarter than men because they can fake orgasms.
Men say "Big deal. We can fake a whole relationship just for a shag".
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How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One ... men will screw anything.
******************************************************************** SATURDAY'S JOKES
Why did God create man?
Because vibrators can't mow the lawn.
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What's the difference between men an government bonds?
Bonds mature.
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How are men like noodles?
They are always in hot water, they lack taste, and they need dough.
******************************************************************** SUNDAY'S JOKES
How does a man take a bubble bath?
He eats beans for dinner.
What's a man's idea of foreplay?
A half hour of begging.
What do you call a man with half a brain?
Gifted.
